In Love With Best Mate.

[ConfusedAussieBoy]

Hey guys. New here, and I need some advice badly.

Let me start off with some background.

My problem is I am completely and irrevocably in love with my best friend. I have been in love with him for about 3 years now. He knows as well. I've always been up front with him it's just the nature of our friendship, complete honesty. But he doesn't feel the same way back. I cannot get over him. I love him as a mate, and I love him as more.

Anyway, the thing is, he says he is completely straight, BUT, I and a few other people have some doubts about his orientation, just things he says and does lead to me believing otherwise. This is causing me to hold out for hope that one day he may feel the same way about me.

He has a girlfriend right now and I'm insanely jealous and it's also causing me to become depressed. I'm over feeling like this, it really hurts and our friendship is suffering because of it. It's also causing alot of trouble with other relationships I have with family and friends. I just can't seem to be able to find the will to give them a chance. I've pushed nearly all of my close friends away and also my family.

I'm 19 and my family doesn't know about me and most of my friends dont either. I don't even know about me. I don't know if I'm bi, gay or straight. The only guy I've ever had feelings for and actually had any sexual desire for is my best friend.

I don't want to have to stop seeing him and distance myself from him. He is a massive part of my life, I would be 6 feet under if it weren't for him. He has saved my life a number of times.

Can someone please shed some light on this for me.

Thank you

 

[G-Lexington]

Sorry, but you already ARE six feet under.

He's been very up front with you. He's straight, and he's not interested in a relationship with you. Even if by some miracle he ends up admitting to being bisexual (or gay), there's still no guarantee that he'll be interested in a relationship with you.

The good news (relatively) speaking is that you're wrong. You're not irrevocably in love with him. You've simply chosen him at the expense of everybody and everything else in your life. To use a lousy metaphor, you're at the roulette table, and you've put everything you own on triple-zero...hoping that sometime soon, the roulette wheel will sprout a triple-zero slot. Sorry to say, but your odds here are zero.

What can you do? Exactly what you said you couldn't do. You stop seeing him, and you put distance between you two. And since you've been up front with him about everything, you can be up front with him about this, too. "I've realized that mooning after you is starting to have a lot of negative effects. I'm insanely jealous of you and your girlfriend, and it's causing major issues with everybody else in my life. So I think I'm going to need to take a break from you, and get my brain back into a better spot. I do appreciate all that you've done for me, but I think it's something I need to do." I can't imagine he'd have any issue with that. Then, do it. Go cold turkey. Block him from your phone, your e-mail list, your IM. Start spending time with the rest of people in your life. And start getting your life back.

Lex

 

[Audio Tech]

I have been down this exact road as well. It's NOT a good one. That was 19 years ago, actually. I STILL love him, and always will. He also saved my life, that long time ago. I was also in the closet back then. It took a lot of time to get over the "wanting him" part. I actually had to avoid him nearly 14 years!

What DID change is that I still see him now and again NOW, but as true friends. He's long married and has kids. He's happy, and our friendship is better than ever. I am also no longer in the closet. He knows the deal, as do I.

I see him as one of my best friends now. I'll always love him, and that's ok. There are many forms of love.

At some point we have to look elsewhere for the physical love we all want and need, but it is possible to love someone and remain friends without needing to "be" with them. That just takes time and maturity.

 

[ucfknight12]

You need to bail and distance yourself from him, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but its the truth. I "fell in love" with my best friend once (the only difference is that he's gay) and it ruined our friendship because I kept looking for the little signs to "show that he was interested." We ended up not talking any more because I didn't like not getting attention back even though he made it clear he wasn't interested back. If you value him as a friend and want to stay friends, back off for a little bit and find someone who is interested in you back

 

[ConfusedAussieBoy]

Thanks for the advice guys.

But I'm being totally honest I cannot stop feeling the way I do about him. I've tried. I have done the distancing. For 12 freaking months and it didn't do shit. And to make things worse is he's just broken up with his girlfriend on Friday, that would be your Thursday over in the US and that part of the world.

I had planned to have a conversation with him in regards to having some time apart, but I can't do that to him. Not right now. He needs me, he's always been a loner so has very few friends and none, other than me he turns to for help. He has nothing to do with his parents or any other relative as they had a massive falling out when he was 15. He is family, my baby brother nearly. I have conflicting feelings, I know, on one hand I love him and want to be with him in a relationship. But on the other I also see him as my baby brother who needs my protection and my guidance.

He's been here since Friday lunchtime and hasn't left my side. He has basically clung to me all weekend, if I leave the room, he follows, and 8/10 times will grab my hand and hold onto it. Even when we went down the road to get some groceries, out in public, and we ran into a group of friends and he still wouldn't let go. I've held him while he's cried his eyes out and he won't go to sleep unless I'm holding him. I've just extracted myself from his grip about an hour ago, I'm finally getting feeling back to my body. Lol.

What do I do? He's begged me to never leave him. To always be there for him. To always love him. I could have sworn he kissed me the other night when I was just about to fall asleep. No he did, I still feel his lips on my cheek, half my lips.

What the freaking fuck do I do? I'm torn up inside to see him like this. I'm confused as to what he means, and why he's doing some of the things he is. I know he doesn't want me like that. I would never take advantage of him in his emotional state, that is just completely wrong and immoral. A friend, let alone a brother would never do that.

I think my family now knows about me, and to be honest I couldn't really give a flying fig anymore. I am me, couldn't care less anymore think of me what they will, but I've accepted myself. They haven't said anything but the way they look at me, it's that I know look your parents get, but there is no hostility or hatred or anything of the sort in their eyes or their actions so I guess they don't care either. When they ask I won't deny anything.

Sorry for the long post gents. Just needed to vent.

 

[KaraBulut]

As soon as this crisis period passes, you need to get perspective on this situation.

The obsessive nature of this relationship isn't healthy for either of you. The key here is the way you have isolated yourself from other people which allows you to place all of your focus on your obsession with your friend.

You've reached a point where your feelings for your friend makes you depressed and the depression makes you cling more to your friend which makes you more depressed which.... It's an endless cycle that you're going to have to break.

The best thing for you to do is get counseling. A good therapist will help you get some perspective on things and will help you find insight. And it may be that you need to treat your depression in order to get back on track.

 

[rareboy]

^ What Kara wrote.

For goodness sakes, get out there and make some more friends.

This doesn't sound like it will be a friendship.

It sounds more like co-dependence.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'd say you've made your choice, and it'd be useless to give any more advice.

Lex

 

[MorrisseyX]

Has the OP thought about maybe your friend just likes the attention. Some people get off on the fact that someone else is "into them". It feeds the other person's ego. Maybe your friend isn't such a good friend.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? Maybe, the OP needs to talk to someone about why he feels the way he does? I had been in a similar situation as the OP and it sucks. The rejection sucks and it just lowered my self esteem. I am currently in therapy and it is a start. I know it is going to be hard for the OP but he's got to try to get out there and meet new people. I haven't met anyone new yet but I hope I do one day.

 

[slnattak]

Be happy with you. Be around people that cherish your individuality and independence and help you grow as a person. Then, when you're fully confident and in control you'll be able to select your mate much better. Relationships are great to have but the most important thing is really liking yourself! I mean that. Did you ever wonder why those straight male jocks in high school were so attractive? Because they had a lot of self-confidence! That's what is sexy. Not this sick 'I NEED YOOOOOU' shit that people do. Although yeah, separating and then reuniting is romantic and sweet- but only if the payoff is worth it and you get your reward. The pain might not be worth the reward. It doesn't seem like it is.