In love with my new best friend.

[rich81790]

I know you see it all the time on this site, another guy falling for their best friend. When will they learn lol. So here's the situation:

I am totally in love with my new best friend. We have only been friends for about 4 months, but it quickly turned into a best friends thing. He has told me stuff he says only his parents know and that he is so lucky to be friends with me and he is all around such a great guy. The problem is I'm kind of in love with him even though I know he is 100% straight. He doesn't suspect I'm gay and I just don't know what to do. A part of me wants to tell him we can't be friends anymore and try and keep my distance from him so as to try and get over him. But on the other hand, I need him as my best friend just as much as he needs me. I am just so tired of having feelings for someone that won't return the same feelings. I guess what I'm asking is should I just try and take a break from him or just find some way to get over him? I just need some advice from anyone. Thanks.

 

[MartyO]

Ok First of all Don't keep a distance. I tried that and it ended up driving me insane cause i couldnt stop thinking about him. You Should tell him your gay. If he's told you stuff that he has only told his parents then he may accept u.

Find someway to get over him. He's your friend

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forums at JUB.

Finding a way to get over someone is the same as not developing romantic interest in the first place. You do that by maintaining boundaries. What I think happens almost every time I read a post like yours is the confusion that arises when a guy we admire likes us and enjoys being close. Our closeted egos seem to go berserk and fantasy and pining are then just around the corner.

Please don't make the usual mistake and admit to him that you have romantic feelings. Don't confuse his liking you with his wanting physical involvement.

The closet and coming out are personal decisions, but I don't think friends or close family members keep sexual orientation a secret with damaging themselves.

Friends are important for 90%+ of the population. Friends self-reveal, which seems to be something he's done. Now it's your turn, but leave out the attraction piece, because that is a fantasy if revealed will likely scare him off.

Good luck to you.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's very easy to have mixed feelings for friends. While intellectually, we can define different types of love, in practice it's very hard to distinguish deep abiding love for our closest friends from romantic love.

Too often these things happen- particularly with closeted guys- because of a lack of romantic love in their life. Simply put, "You need a boyfriend". But more to the point, the best way to solve this is to start having a normal life- living honestly as a gay man and dating men who can return your feelings.

 

[DiverDude]

I've always found one thing that works well in these situations: HONESTY.

Lost a best friend because I kept my secret bottled for about 5 years. He told me I hurt him because I couldn't trust him with who I was, and he was as straight as they come.

Your friendship isn't over. You just need to be a good friend and communicate.

 

[rich81790]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It seems the general consensus is to tell him about me. I have thought of doing it, it's just that there are a couple of openly gay people at our work and he says that they creep him out. Now mind you they are very flamboyant and is very off putting for a lot of straight guys but I'm very "straight acting" as you would say, and hope I wouldn't "creep" him out. I think I will tell him soon though. You know if it doesn't work out then fuck him. Obviously it would mean we weren't as best of friends as we thought.

 

[Newmercedes]

I just lost my best friend- my hot straight roommate. if I were you I will tell him and see what he says. if he doesn't accept it. Try not to hang out with him or around him cuz the time you spend more with him and you will love him more and more. Its hard to love someone but they don't have any feeling for you. In the past, I love some straight guys but it doesn't hurt me as much my ex roommate cuz I lived with him for 4 years. I try not to see him cuz it really hurts me every time I see him.

 

[KaraBulut]

I think I will tell him soon though. You know if it doesn't work out then fuck him. Obviously it would mean we weren't as best of friends as we thought.

If you are best friends, then it's something that a best friend should know.

But give some additional thought to whether you want him to know how you feel about him. Given his feelings toward gay people, it might be a challenge for him to deal with.

 

[rareboy]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It seems the general consensus is to tell him about me. I have thought of doing it, it's just that there are a couple of openly gay people at our work and he says that they creep him out. Now mind you they are very flamboyant and is very off putting for a lot of straight guys but I'm very "straight acting" as you would say, and hope I wouldn't "creep" him out. I think I will tell him soon though. You know if it doesn't work out then fuck him. Obviously it would mean we weren't as best of friends as we thought.

Our friends don't love us in spite of who we are, but because of who we are.

I'm sorry, but I think that you are going to find that he drops you like a stone if he has even bothered to comment on the other homos at work.

But yes, you have to tell him and tell him that you hope that it won't damage your friendship.

And if it does, time to do what others have suggested; get out there and find a real boyfriend.

 

[Spensed]

It's in the nature of some guys (straight and gay, bad and good) to lead others on and to take advantage of one sided friendships from a lack of awareness, being flattered by the attention or whatever.

Someone more experienced or instinctively clued up on relationships may have already picked up on your feelings towards him, even if you haven't expressed them, or at least the possibility of of your feelings towards him being different from his to you.

So this isn't about taking breaks from him. The next one is right behind him.

It's about you taking care of yourself and not letting yourself be sucked in emotionally or sexually before you establish what the other person's real interest in you is. Not always, of course, but most men know whether they want to make out with someone very quickly without choosing not to define what is going on.

If I were you, I'd look out gay friends and gay orientated social situations, if you can find them, in terms of common interest, drama or sports or whatever clubs and groups, where the chances of finding more mutually supportive friendships are better.

As for this guy, I would stop taking the initiative in the friendship, but play the ball back, if his interest in pursuing the friendship continues. I may be wrong, but I suspect that what is really keeping the relationship going is your falling in love with him and while he enjoys the attention you're giving him, if he really is straight he's not available for it. If you let him do at least half the work and there is the basis of a friendship there, then it may be worth preserving. If by any chance, he's gay, you've already become "sisters", which also makes any sexual connection difficult, if not impossible. So either way the deck is stacked against you.

The bad news is that if you don't learn your lesson, you get to repeat it. The good news is that that, if you do learn the lesson, you don't need to. Obviously, my opinions reflect my experience and yours may be different. Good luck.

 

[rich81790]

Yeah I'm well aware that nothing will ever happen between us sexually. I just don't know why I can't get over him. Maybe it's cause he treats me really well and I have never really had that in my friendships before. I do feel like he would be ok with me being gay, it's just that it's a huge step for me cause nobody knows about me. Maybe the next time we get drunk I'll tell him. I think I need a bit of liquid courage perhaps.

 

[rich81790]

Just thought I would update this situation. I am no longer in love with him but I care so deeply about him. He is a great guy and I am so glad were best friends. I finally told him I was gay this past Sunday and I could not be more thrilled with his response. He said I am who I am and nobody can change that and he said he will always treat me the same and that he was happy that I put my trust in him. I also told my brother I was gay as well and had the same response. I'm just very fortunate the two people I care most about will always be there for me .

 

[terry61_99]

Its great to hear that it went so well for you!!!Gives me hope that when I come out it will go well too! Thanks so much for taking the time to update us!! I wish you all the best!!

 

[altlover85]

I'm glad it went well! Congrats on coming out to him and your brother.

 

[TurdPuncher]

Our friends don't love us in spite of who we are, but because of who we are.

I'm sorry, but I think that you are going to find that he drops you like a stone if he has even bothered to comment on the other homos at work.

But yes, you have to tell him and tell him that you hope that it won't damage your friendship.

And if it does, time to do what others have suggested; get out there and find a real boyfriend.

i think this is the most important on 'right on' sentiment here on jub. our friends and true boyfriends love us in spite of our shortcomings, or more accurately, love us even more because of those shortcomings. so often when we as young, gay, men, fall 'in love' with someone else, it is an idealized (not real) version of the boy we wished was real, instead of the actual, real, version of the boy. you know it's true love when you love your boy more because of his shortcomings rather than less.