In love with straight best friend?

[KaraBulut]

Not out, never did anything with a guy, nothing. I don't really do much. I like girls too. I think I am falling for my straight best friend and it makes me nervous. Reading anonymous advice and things like that, people say put space between you. The thing is. I don't wanna do that.

Whether or not your friend is gay/bi/whatever is irrelevant at this point. The most important thing is that he says he's straight. The next most important thing is that he is your best friend.

What I want is for him to feel the same way. And I don't think that's ever going to happen. But something deep inside says maybe he feels that way and doesn't show it. dunno what to do -_-

You have a crush. You're looking for any sign that the crush is mutual.

You already know the answer on this one.

The only solution here is for you to move on and find a guy who is interested in kissing you because he wants to- not on a dare.

Stay friends with the straight guy. But go find a second best friend who is gay and wants to get naked with you.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Reading anonymous advice and things like that, people say put space between you. The thing is. I don't wanna do that. What I want is for him to feel the same way.

And what I want is for my car to fly over traffic jams. But as Mick Jagger astutely pointed out, you can't always get what you want.

First off, if your friend isn't aware that you're bisexual, it's time he knew. Because if a miracle occurs and he IS bisexual and interested in you, then he at least has to know there's a chance you're interested in him. But if he knows that, and he still isn't making a move, then consider that a dead end. A wouldn't-it-be-amazing-if-this-street-went-somewhere dead end, but a dead end nonetheless.

Then what? Turn around, and find yourself a street that ISN'T a dead end. Get yourself a gay guy. You know why? They actually want to have sex with you. And you don't have to resort to late-night games of truth-or-dare, or "I was so drunk I didn't know what I was doing" to have sex. You just have to say "Wanna have sex?"

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

If you'd rather continue torturing yourself, hey, enjoy your hell. Feel free to keep posting regular updates here as to all the signs that maybe your friend is changing your mind. Those threads tend to be pretty popular, and seem to provide further impetus for other people who fall from their straight friends to live in torture pining for what they can't have rather than break free and find someone who will actually love them for them.

Lex

 

[Muscles4daze]

I would leave that one alone if I was you. The whole "I'm In Love With A Straight Guy" scenario is drama waiting to happen. Right now there is a guy at my gym who gives me the impression that he may be attracted to me. I don't know if he's gay or straight, but the minute I find out he is labeling himself as that I'm gonna leave that one alone, I'm not going to catch feelings for someone who doesn't like men.

 

[xrph1670]

First of all, Lex, you made me laugh again. "And I want my car to fly over traffic jams." I'll have to remember that one and use it in the future.

Next: I've made the choice in the past to live with the torture, reading love and possibility into what are, in reality innocent comments not meant as pick-up lines. And I've chosen to get away from that torture..though it is still tempting at times. Being away is way better than being in it.

I think the best advice is to tell him you're bisexual. If he has any interest in playing with you and the bath toys, he'll tell you. If not, he won't.

 

[backpacker]

Lex's advice is good as always. Tell him that you are bisexual, but don't give any indication that you are interested in him. Once you tell him, then the ball will be in his court. Keep in mind that the chances that he is also bisexual are slim.

If he doesn't reciprocate, then you should make a concerted effort to find an available guy. If you are busy with a new guy, it will help make it easier to draw some appropriate boundaries with your friend.

 

[Lube]

You can't make someone want you.
You can't make someone love you.
You can't speed up someone's timetable.
If a guy says he's straight you have to take that at face value.
Many times that's a lie or he's just confused, but if he says he's straight, then he's straight. End of story.
It is very difficult to be "friends only" with someone you're attracted to. It can be done but it's kind of like a mild, ongoing torture.
The pain of letting go of someone is intense, but short-lived and serves a purpose.
The pain of hanging on to someone you can't have goes on forever as long as you hang on, and serves no purpose.
In your case I think you would be just letting go of a fantasy, that's all, so that would be a little easier.
It's always better to live in reality than to live in fantasy, even if the reality sucks compared to the fantasy.

What he said.

Your friend self-identifies as straight. Maybe because he is. Or maybe because you haven't come out to him.

If he's such a great friend, he's worth coming out to, anyway. But you're setting yourself up for a big disappointment if he's not interested in you.

 

[Lube]

Sorry, I'm not good with filtering when I type or anything, you're basically getting word vomit stream of consciousness. Sorry if it's hard to follow!

It was actually kinda fun to read, until you made it so graphic. Now I am ready to vomit.

Anyway, relax. He obviously likes you. How far will he take it? How far will you take it? That's the fun part. You don't know yet. That's what makes it exciting!

Just enjoy it. Don't be so passive. He's looking for some positive feedback from you--he's taken a huge risk by kissing you. You should be a little more proactive.

 

[KaraBulut]

The only solution here is for you to move on and find a guy who is interested in kissing you because he wants to- not on a dare.

Well, it seems that the situation has changed.

The missed opportunity was that when he did finally drop you off, you should have said, "If you're gonna kiss me, you should do it right" and then returned the favor... with a little tongue this time.

 

[angelus]

I hate to be the one who's raining on your parade. When I first started reading this thread, in my mind I was like, "this is me writing this, me from this time last year," and I was willing to launch into the whole speech of 'stay away from him, give yourself some space to get over him etc" you know the story by now. But your last update changed things, in pretty much all of these situations where the OP falls for his "straight" friend, the OP is either adamant that his friend is DEFINITELY gay and just won't come out and say it (I fell into that category) or he'll say, "I'm just not sure, he gives off mixed signals..." I thought you were part of the latter group, but you can be pretty certain that he is gay or at the least bi and that there's a certain amount of interest he has in you as more than a friend.

Everyone who's replied since your last update has (it seems to me) said you should pursue something with him, and I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm just saying, you should ask yourselves some serious questions about what a relationship of any sort with him would be like, and would you be able to handle it? You said you're not out so I guess a secret or downlow (whatever you wanna call it) relationship would be okay with you. At the same time though you seem to have accepted yourself as a bi man, has he done so, because if he hasn't I'm pretty certain were you to get together with him, there'd be a whole lot of issues that were to arise from that. Also if he has accepted himself as gay or bi, will he be willing to give up the other women or will you be willing to accept that as a part of your relationship?

I got to this point in my situation where my doing something about it became a reality, I decided that I wasn't willing to put myself through that rollercoaster of emotions and I finally extricated myself from the situation. I distanced myself from my friend for the whole of 2008 and have only recently started seeing him again. I wish I could say that in the year I was able to hook up with somebody but no such luck I'm afraid. I'm not saying that you should do what I did, all I'm saying is, ask yourself those questions I mentioned (and probably a few that I haven't thought of) and if it's okay for you then go ahead with it, if not, get out of the situation.
Best of luck

 

[backpacker]

Time to tell him you are bi and see what he does with the bait. The kiss last night definitely makes me think he might be in the closet like you.

As far as the anti-gay comments, that's very common for guys in the closet. They do it for one of three reasons: a) they are in denial and trying to convince themselves; b) they are trying to appear straight so that others don't think they are gay; c) they are looking for your reaction to figure out if you would be accepting of him being gay.

Good luck and keep us updated.

 

[amyleeisjesus]

I can honestly tell that him doing that doesn't really mean anything.

Uh... what? You're being delusional about the whole thing. It does mean something. Guys don't just kill the engine and kiss their friends, hello? lol. I'm just in disbelief that you would say that. I don't get why you just sat there after he kissed you when you've been lusting after him for so long. And how even after he made a move you're still in denial.

It's up to you now to show him you're interested since he gave you the opportunity and you froze. I probably wouldn't want to initiate anything further if I were him given your (non) reaction the first time.

 

[backpacker]

Congratulations!!! It looks like everything is going your way.

 

[Lube]

Awesome. So this is a lesson to all guys with "straight" best friends who they haven't come out to: it's often a question of who comes out first. He's "straight" only because he's hiding in the closet--just like you are.

So, all gay men everywhere*: come out, come out, wherever you are.

Not everything is going to have a fairy-tale ending like this, but you'll at least be able to be yourself around the people who are important to you.

*--the usual disclaimer applies: if you're in a country that beheads out gay men, obviously this doesn't apply to you.

 

[PhunkSpunk]

I don't know if this thread is for real or an evolving fantasy.

When I was in college I had a friend on whom I had a crush. It was driving me nuts. It was one of the reasons I decided to take a semester away and do a student externship in California.

We stayed in touch for a bit. But I found myself staying in better touch with other friends, and making new friends. When I returned to school the following fall, my friendship for my crush had waned. We really had very little in common, and I appreciated that my friendly feelings for him were a contrivance of my desire.

 

[Muscles4daze]

I hope everything works out man, but I am just curious to know if you guys will come out to everyone if this gets really serious.

 

[youngnihilist]

It sounds really sweet. even if it doesn't last long (and I hope for you it does last a good long while) you are experiencing something most of us wanted to but didn't get to because the friend was actually straight. so whatever happens, you've been fortunate.

 

[asian87]

From my experiences, my advice to you is forget them now. If you can, try to stop seeing them. It's not easy but that's the only way of avoiding a broken heart.

I had fallen in love with 2 of my best friends and it was obviously just dreams that would never come true. It always hurt when I saw them with girls. I was too kind with my best friend that he took advantage of me. Then one day he went abroad to for his continuing studies. I was sad and depressed for a whole year.

I did my best to forget him and now I live happily. I've even met a wonderful man online, he is willing to relocate for me.

So please, forget your friends and get a happy life.

 

[youngnihilist]

^That was your experience, but everyone is different. So far this is working well for Smeyers. And maybe it will continue to for a long time.

 

[DVM26uk]

Congrats on actually getting to sleep with your straight best friend, that's no mean feat i'm glad it paid off for you!

Unfortunately though, that means that the very next day he became your gay lover and maybe not so straight afterall.