In Love

[silversmith1213]

I've had crushes, I've had really insane crushes, really really insane crushes, but this feels different.

It's guy I've known for about a year. Around the holidays we started hanging out more often. We had mutual friends, and all of us would go do things as a big group. We had lots of fun and it was a good way to get to know him. I've always thought he was cute and learned that he was a really great guy. A couple months ago he got his first cell phone (how odd is that), and I got his number to hang out and stuff. Since, I've been calling him directly to hang and what not. Twice now we've gotten to hang out just as the two of us.

Tonight we went to a movie. Other people were invited, but none of them wanted to come and it ended up just being me and him. He wasn't afraid of that, and it wasn't awkward. Of course to me, well, I was dying. I'd describe him for you, but I think you can imagine. Great listener, not quiet but not loud, funny, shares all the same interests as me. So anyways, I an in such a... peculiar mood right now.

I'm stoked, I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm terrified, but I'm not in a hyperactive state. Actually I'm proud of myself for keeping my cool tonight.

He doesn't yet know I'm gay, and I have no clue if he is. To tell the truth he really could be straight or gay, he's quite void of signs, or at least has very contradicting signs. But at the same time, I know that he's such a great guy that when I do tell him, he'll be ok with it. Of course I want him to have equal feelings for me, but I won't be telling him of my crush until after I come out to him. After all, best not overwhelm the poor guy.

So I'm not exactly sure what to do. He's going to the same college as me next year, so I really feel that I need to be careful. And he's such a great friend, I'd never ever want to lose that. I think that after graduation I will be coming out to him and two of my other friends, so I guess we'll have to wait until then.

Sorry theres not any direct questions for you. Feel free to question me or leave comments. All are appreciated.

 

[G-Lexington]

It seems amongst homosexuals (especially younger ones) that we'd rather live in limbo than take the plunge. We'd rather stay "friends who might eventually become more" than actually come out to them and find out they're either not gay or not interested in us "like that". Better the potential for something happening (and the agony of not knowing) than the chance that it's not going to happen, I guess.

You seem convinced that he won't have any problem with your homosexuality. In that case, you may as well tell him. First off, it gets you past that hurdle. Secondly, if there IS interest on his side, it'll give him an open. Ideally, it'll prod him to come out to you as well....if he's gay of course.

So why not do it? You don't have to drag a soap box along on your next outing. Just give him the information in another context. "I'm hoping next year at (school) will be better than this past year. My courses should be better, and with any luck, I'll find a boyfriend before too long."

Lex

 

[silversmith1213]

Thats a good idea Lex. Thanks. I'll think about when is best to tell him (soon). I might still wait for graduation, but it would be great to have him know.

 

[silversmith1213]

Uh oh. This just got a lot more complicated. Turns out due to a complex series of events with university housing, we will now be renting an apartment together! If that isn't a speed bump in my plans (more like a mountain) I don't know what is. Relationships with room mates are always an infinite amount more complicated

 

[G-Lexington]

Then you have a new opening. "You don't mind rooming with a gay guy, do you?" And yes, it may be problematic, but then again, maybe not.

Lex

 

[Lube]

Yeah and if you do try to have a relationship and it doesn't work out, now you have to live with the guy--or move.

 

[Eagle653]

Good luck with all this.

Remember, though, that you're dealing with two issues and it's important that you keep them separate. The first issue is your sexuality and when/how you tell him that. The second issue is that you have a crush on him. Don't mix the two up in your coming-out conversation, or you could freak him out. First, come out to him. See what his reaction is. If he's cool with it, accepting, and all that--well and good.

During these kinds of talks, it almost always becomes evident if the other person is or not. They don't even have to say "Oh, I'm straight." You can tell if they are by their reactions, their comments, or the types of questions they ask. If they are gay or bi, too, they usually (but not always) take the opportunity to tell you too (such as "well, while we're on the subject...").

If he's straight, don't ever mention the crush thing. Find a way to get over it or you'll almost certainly lose the friendship. Put yourself in his (straight) shoes: It's very awkward to have a friendship with someone who has a crush on you that you can't return.

If he comes out to you too, then I still wouldn't mix the crush thing into this conversation. Just because he's gay or bi does not mean he feels toward you the same way you feel toward him. It does give you hope, though, for a possible FUTURE romance if, at some time in the future, you both decide that's what you want.

Good luck! I can't wait to hear how this plays out.

(By the way--off topic--I can't figure out what your avatar is. I like it, but can't figure it out )

 

[silversmith1213]

Good luck with all this.

Remember, though, that you're dealing with two issues and it's important that you keep them separate. The first issue is your sexuality and when/how you tell him that. The second issue is that you have a crush on him. Don't mix the two up in your coming-out conversation, or you could freak him out. First, come out to him. See what his reaction is. If he's cool with it, accepting, and all that--well and good.

During these kinds of talks, it almost always becomes evident if the other person is or not. They don't even have to say "Oh, I'm straight." You can tell if they are by their reactions, their comments, or the types of questions they ask. If they are gay or bi, too, they usually (but not always) take the opportunity to tell you too (such as "well, while we're on the subject...").

If he's straight, don't ever mention the crush thing. Find a way to get over it or you'll almost certainly lose the friendship. Put yourself in his (straight) shoes: It's very awkward to have a friendship with someone who has a crush on you that you can't return.

If he comes out to you too, then I still wouldn't mix the crush thing into this conversation. Just because he's gay or bi does not mean he feels toward you the same way you feel toward him. It does give you hope, though, for a possible FUTURE romance if, at some time in the future, you both decide that's what you want.

Good luck! I can't wait to hear how this plays out.

(By the way--off topic--I can't figure out what your avatar is. I like it, but can't figure it out )

Thank you for this advice. I have a feeling that this will take some time for me to figure out, so news will come eventually but it may be a little ways off still. I understand that it would be very detrimental to our friendship if I told him of my feelings for him when he was unable to return them. For sure I will try to keep the issues separate and I have spent enough time thinking to know that although it is hard to say: his friendship is more important than fulfilling my own selfish wishes. I'm not really sure what reaction to look for when I do tell him that I'm gay, as he's usually very quiet and intent on listening, but I'll just have to see what happens and not kill myself trying to prepare beforehand.

He's also leaving tomorrow for Costa Rica (for 10 days) and I'm so worried about him! I had to fight myself not to give him a huge goodbye hug today and tell him I hope that he will be safe, but I was able to control myself.



In other news, my avatar is the dragon symbol from the book series The Inheritance Cycle, most known by its first book Eragon. The symbol was actually invented when they turned it into a movie, but the movie was extremely disappointing and not a valid representation of the book.


PS- I won't be able to access a computer tomorrow and most of Saturday because I will be taking the trip up to view and inspect our apartment. However I will respond to any replies as soon as possible and thank you all again for your advice.