In open relationship and not happy

[altlover85]

I haven't been in an open relationship, but I can see how you would be jealous about this new guy.

I have a few questions for you that would help me help you by clarifying things.

Have you talked to your partner about how you feel about this new guy? I think communication is key, especially in this type of situation.

What kind of parameters had you set down when you opened up your relationship?

If you set up parameters, has he violated any of them?

Finally, how long have you two been together?

 

[Seasoned]

Are you truely in an open relationship or have you reluctantly acquiesced to his desire to have sex outside the relationship? In other words, are you getting any? If he can demand to have outside sex you can demand that he not Bevin contact with new partners while with you. As you wrote, you already know what the answer is to your problem. Sooner or later this new guy is going to be in your place. Your bf seems like a guy who is ruled by ego and his sex drive. He can choose to live as he likes. It's his choice. It's your choice as to whether having him part time is worth the wear and tear on your emotions. Good luck to you. Stay mentally healthy

 

[NineOfClubs]

This could be a momentary infatuation your BF is having.

Or not.

Who knows?

But, if you're willing to be into a REAL open relationship, then this is one of the risks.

I, personally, wouldn't worry about it. If you're both strongly involved, a little fun on the side on his part shouldn't be a threat.

 

[KaraBulut]

Have you asked him about it? It sounds more like an affair than a casual fuck.

After that the question will be "Are you willing to be priority 2 for a while and are you just counting down to the inevitable?".

 

[hylas]

heres two articles that deal with jealousy in polyamorous relationships i found very enlightening. (polyamory is something else than an open relationships, but i still think the articles make points that might be helpful.)

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html

http://www.serolynne.com/poly_jealousy.htm

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

Why not make the third guy a boy toy for you both?

You need to talk to your bf, about how you feel. You might be able to come to a compromise on dealing with the third guy.

 

[cumwhore]

Open relationships are very dangerous areas...there is ALWAYS the possibility that one of the partners will develop an emotional attachment (fall in love) with what starts out as just a simple "sexual partner".

Usually they led to problems and are not worth it.

 

[wooffy]

Any one else here in an open relationship that could give me some prescriptive?

Open relationship for 19 years, most of that polyamorous. We've both had other relationships, including one lover (mine) who lived with us for 6 years.

What you are feeling is entirely normal, and something everyone will experience sooner or later. Even outside of open relationships - I've had friends feel jealous and insecure of their partner's new best friend! It also sounds like your boyfriend is crossing the line from having a fuck-buddy to falling for another guy - which is a big change and one you are right to feel concerned about. You have a right to your feelings, but so does your boyfriend.

It's hard to give advice in these cases, but I can make two suggestions. First you need to talk to your boyfriend. Tell him how you feel, honestly and openly. Stay calm, no point making him feel confronted, just explain how you feel. If he is indeed developing feelings for this new guy, that changes things big time for you two. What's done is done, though, so no turning back.

Secondly, don't make assumptions. You may be reading too much into the situation. And I can attest personally that it is possible to have more than one relationship at a time, so you need not feel rejected or fear abandonment. Make sure you base your decisions on the situation and your needs, not on your fears.

Feel free to ask questions. Some people here are extremely closed-minded about relationships, so if you prefer you are welcome to PM me.

 

[TX-Beau]

Open relationships are very dangerous areas...there is ALWAYS the possibility that one of the partners will develop an emotional attachment (fall in love) with what starts out as just a simple "sexual partner".

Usually they led to problems and are not worth it.

...Momogamous relationships are very dangerous areas...there is ALWAYS the possibility that one of the partners will develop an emotional attachment (fall in love) with what starts out as just a simple "friendship"...

The likelihood of losing your partner to someone else isn't higher in an open relationship than it is in a monogamous one. Just look at all that cheating that goes on in monogamous relationships.


If you want this to work, you have to talk to each other. Why did you get into this in the first place? Was it your idea? His? Mutual? Were you actually interested or did you go into this for him? Are you playing around with other guys or is it just him?

What are your rules?

If the only reason that you're sticking around is because you don't want to be alone, the problem isn't the "open," it's the relationship.

 

[breatheH20]

I'm in an open relationship at the moment as well; maybe I can help myself by helping you (@OP).

In your post, I noticed a couple things. You mentioned that the other guy is "younger" and "hotter", which kind of breathes an air of insecurity on your part; what I mean is, you seem to have an issue with your esteem, and don't think very much of yourself.

The fact that you can't stand to be alone also compounds this. You can't enjoy the company of yourself, so you constantly keep the company of others, to avoid having to be alone.

That being said, I'm built the same way.

Ultimately, you just have to choose. Talk to your boyfriend about it and see what his thoughts are. If you two can work through it, more power to you. If not, you need to establish what you want and expect from romantic relationships, and stop settling (like many people do).

Don't lose yourself for fear of losing someone else.

 

[KaraBulut]

These things usually have to have rules and boundaries. Very few people are able to successfully juggle more that one lover. And very few people are secure enough to deal with competition. It's much easier to handle when both parties agree to the open relationship and both parties agree that their relationship comes before casual fucks.

From your last post, it sounds like you've passively accepted the status quo and his fooling around. If you're not happy with that, then it's up to you to speak up. Be clear about what you want. Figure out what the rules are that work for you both.

But give some thought to what will happen if he's not able to provide what you want and need.

 

[MorrisseyX]

It sounds to me as though the OP's boyfriend is having his own way. Why would the boyfriend change things up if he can have the OP and another guy? He is getting what he wants but what does the OP want? I think that's the real question. The OP must ask himself the question what does he want in this relationship?

I think it is time for the OP to take control of the situation. Why be unhappy with someone that is NOT giving you what you want? I would rather be alone than be unhappy in a relationship. The OP has to have the courage to have a SERIOUS talk with the boyfriend and if the relationship ends at least he will have his sanity. If the OP wants a serious relationship that IS monogamous then he NEEDS to tell the boyfriend his feelings. If the boyfriend doesn't agree then the Op has to split and move on. The OP has to realize his happiness and mental health is very important. He cannot allow another person to ruin his self esteem.

 

[altlover85]

Do you guys normally talk to each other when something bothers either of you?

 

[Georgiadude]

you need to talk to him NOW. Let him know exactly how you feel about this and that your not ok with it. Maybe he doesn't have a clue that it's bothering you. Maybe he knows and doesn't give a dam. We don't know, but you need to talk to him and find out. Be open, honest and upfront about it. The longer it goes on, the worse your going to feel.

Sorry this is happening. I hope your able to get it resolved soon.

Steven.

 

[altlover85]

I don't really think there is ever a perfect time to bring up something that's bothering you. There are times when I probably wouldn't bring it up, such as during sex or while either of you are at work, but other than that, I would pick a time when there isn't a lot going on around you and when you know he is able to devote some time to listening to you and discussing this topic with you. You probably know those times better than any of us do.

Good luck and I hope things improve and this turns out to be an issue you can resolve together.

 

[thisisinteresting]

There are no ground rules in our relationship really, I mean we never talked about any.

Maybe it's time to start. Perhaps the idea of him having a regular fuckbuddy outside the relationship is not something you want?

[/quote]Perhaps I just need to talk with me and explain how I'm feeling.[/quote]
Correct. Do this. If he cares about you he will want to hear.

Or just say nothing and ride it out.

Wrong. Do not just bottle it up. You really need to communicate this issue or it will just get worse.

As far as this guy being hotter, well, he is. It's not really self esteem thing, it's just a matter of fact thing.

That's an esteem thing. You only have your own level of judgment on how hot someone is, not your boyfriend's. Even so, maybe he's got a nicer body or something - so what? You think he'll want to date him because he's hotter? So he gets to fuck a hot guy. I say be happy for him. Haha.

All I know is this all is really bothering me, so much in fact that it's beginning to effect our sex life. Like when we are together all I can think of is him thinking about that new guy and well, you get the point.

Oh life is so complicated.

TALK TO HIM. It's not that complicated - there's something that bothered you, you ignored it. It starts bothering you more, the longer you ignore it. The solution is simple. I know it's scary sometimes but just start the conversation. Just interject with "hey I need to talk to you about something." and just go for it. It feels good to get it off your chest. Trust me.

 

[altlover85]

It's a sad reality but guys always look for the next best thing. Never satisfied and content with what they have. It's just the nature of the beast.

Some guys do this, but not all.

 

[chance1]

They broke up, problem solved for now. I guess I was worrying over nothing.

i guess that's good

or your bf could do the same thing with another guy

i think a heart to heart is in order

for me ....... open relationship means sex on the side is fine - but emotional attachment?

if you're ok sharing him emotionally, more power to you - i could not do that

but either way, you should set ground rules

that you both agree to

 

[Georgiadude]

I'd still have the talk with him. It's bound to happen again. For your own peace of mind. Sit down and talk it out. I really think you will feel better about it. I know it won't be easy but in the end you will be glad you did it.

Steven.