In the Closet but everyone seems to know.....

[aquamememe]

So I work in a grocery store, where it seems like 1 out of every 7 people is gay.....which is a high percentage in SW Virginia. Therefore there is always this awareness of people as to who is gay and who is not, sometimes some of the more bigoted workers use this knowledge to avoid certain but, but thats not the point.

The point is in this situation when you don't have a girlfriend, never talk about anything in the same vein, chat up gay friends and don't reject or otherwise repel comments that straight guys might find.......strange to receive from another guy (like on how you look or something similar). But everyone around here is always seemingly whispering about me, some say I am gay, others say I am not, I'm masc enough to maintain this kind of...confusion among these people.

Buts it weird because at times I have to just completely try to divert a conversation or reroute a line of questioning or simply dodge certain people/situations. So any tips, ideas, comments on this situation, how to deal with it, and all that in the light that I am not ready to come out, hell I'm just really getting a grip on this myself.

Allright, have a nice night everyone.

 

[M4P]

Gay or straight it is no one's business unless you choose to make it otherwise

You might want to confront one of the busy bodies at work with something like this:

"I understand you've been asking other's around here if I'm gay. I'm curious as to why you would want to know?"

That'll shut 'em down

Come out when you're ready

 

[KennyD]

^^ Exactly ! Ask them, "Why, Ya' want a date or something ?"

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Gay or straight it is no one's business unless you choose to make it otherwise

You might want to confront one of the busy bodies at work with something like this:

"I understand you've been asking other's around here if I'm gay. I'm curious as to why you would want to know?"

That'll shut 'em down

Come out when you're ready

Well-said.

Another point: Do they really want to know, if you are gay or do they really want to know, if you'll sleep with them?

SC

 

[drhladnjak]

Frankly, there's not a whole to do besides what you have been doing. Don't worry though, the constant frustration and annoyance will continue to apply gentle pressure to get you out of the closet

 

[jockboy01]

Personally, I wouldn't worry about it.

The same is true at my work (although some people know) in a sense. I actually love watching those that don't know try and figure it out without ever asking me (which I think is none of their business to do unless we are close friends... in which case, they probably already know).

For instance, there is one guy who has been asking EVERYBODY if I'm gay. He's dumb as a brick (and a bit of a homophobe) and so I'm sure somebody at some point said I was and he doesn't believe it. Anyway, I hear all of the reports back from everybody that he's been asking. It's obviously driving him nuts to know. And nobody answers his question (even those that know, they figure it's my business to tell who I want... don't I have the coolest friends?) or if they do, the answer is something like "why, you want to ask him out?" LOL.

So from my standpoint, it is totally fun to just sit back and watch the show. Just don't let it bother you.

All the rest of the stuff.. about the gay guys knowing just based on who you look at and talk to and such... probably true. The gay guys know about me... and nothing was ever spoken.

 

[hermanding]

it's not gonna stop. some people can't be happy unless they try to inflict pain on someone else - and the general consensus is that the predators can always attack the weak - which they think is a gay. i've been through it soooo many times in my life. i think it probably does motivate one to do what they have to do - be themselves finally. that doesn't mean the homofobes shut down completely- but at least you will be you
ding

 

[aquamememe]

aqua, I think your gay workers are a little more aware of things you do then the straight co-workers. Maybe they notice the guys you look at, the customers you chat up and who you seem to be friendly with.

Can you say why it's important that you stay in the closet? Maybe we could advise you better if we knew your thinking. Maybe even give some advice that is less confrontational. If you tell everyone just to mind their own business I bet they'll be even more likely to wonder about you..."What's he hiding? Why's he so defensive?"

"why it's so important that you stay in the closet?"

Interesting way of phrasing the question. But here's the short: I'm just coming to terms w/ this myself, so really the last thing I want/am comfy w/ is other people whispering and "knowing" and the nightmare is being confronted with the question directly. So right at this stage in my life, I'm just not ready to really even deal w/ other people's ideas/views/whatevers towards it.

The other big reason is that I'm just out of college, still living at home, and am trying to focus on finding myself a better job. And honestly, its just a distraction that bugs me. Right now to come out would disrupt my life and its current momentum in a way I can't deal with. When I'm out on my own, have a good job, and am more comfortable with my sexuality, sure I'll come out.

But right now, no.

 

[jockboy01]

there was a good reason in there and a bad one

Good reason: you're not comfortable with it yourself. I think it is paramount to be comfortable with it personally before telling others. Good for you

Bad reason: "it's a distraction" and life's too busy. You'll find that these things will never change. Don't let it become an excuse.

 

[aquamememe]

there was a good reason in there and a bad one

Good reason: you're not comfortable with it yourself. I think it is paramount to be comfortable with it personally before telling others. Good for you

Bad reason: "it's a distraction" and life's too busy. You'll find that these things will never change. Don't let it become an excuse.

I see your point, however you gotta admit the first job search outta college isn't the best time to be dealing w/ such sensitive things. Don't get me wrong, I'm always dealing w/ it in some way. But right now things are chaotic enough, I'm not sure I could deal w/ some people's reaction. I truly hope I don't use it as an excuse.

I'm particularly concerned how my Mom would react. Because I've kinda seen the blueprint for how she would: My brother says he is gay. She handled this exceedingly badly, picture it: take someone who is already on anti-depressants because of other problems, add in a gay son coming out and then rushing off to not deal with any of the emotional issues that might ensue (this happened years ago), and cut to mother in tears months later about it, then years later saying that he's lying, and blah blah blah. Point is: she never accepted it, never let go, always blamed herself and never tells anyone because she thinks she'll be judged as bad because of it.

Enter me. I knew I liked guys in 6th grade, although I denied it until probably the second semester of my junior yr in college when I got tired of lying even to myself, and all this time have never made a peep about it to anyone I know. So here I am, the "last" hope for grandchildren, with a brother who I kinda doubt is gay entirely, its a long story there.

Again my point: my life situation (live w/ mom still) sucks for coming out and partner that with the fact I'm just coming to total grips with this myself.....yeah not a good time to come out.

 

[Theyoungman]

Take it this way...

You may be in the closet, but that doesn't mean the door is completely closed.

 

[backpacker]

I think you have every right to come out on your own terms. With that said, my guess is that you are not as good about hiding it you think. As you noted, the people at work are already talking about you and I would imagine that the most common comment is "who does he think he's fooling". As others have pointed out, it just may be the way you react to the gay guys at work, the way you look at hot guys or comments that you make.

You still seem to have some issues with being gay. Your brother has maintained for years that he is gay, but you doubt him. In light of your mother's reaction, why would your brother hold himself out as being gay if it wasn't true? When in college, you probably decided to wait until you were out in the real world. Now you are waiting for your first real job. Once you have that, you won't want to jeopardize it by coming out. There will always be a reason not to come out.

I think your work situation presents a perfect opportunity for you. You work in a somewhat gay friendly environment and you could make friends with some of the gay guys. You don't have to "come out", but you could take advantage of the chance to spend more time with gay guys and become more comfortable with who you are. Your job won't be in jeopardy and if things don't go well, it's only a temporary job anyway.

With regard to your mother, you already know how your mother will react. The response may not be as receptive as we would all like, but it doesn't sound like she disowned your brother either. Your brother has already made a path for you, now you just need to walk down it.

You have done the hard part, which is to admit to yourself that you are gay. You have every right to come out on your own terms, but just be careful that you aren't looking for excuses to avoid coming out. Already being out before starting your career will be much easier than coming out once you have established yourself in the career.

 

[aquamememe]

I think you have every right to come out on your own terms. With that said, my guess is that you are not as good about hiding it you think. As you noted, the people at work are already talking about you and I would imagine that the most common comment is "who does he think he's fooling". As others have pointed out, it just may be the way you react to the gay guys at work, the way you look at hot guys or comments that you make.

You still seem to have some issues with being gay. Your brother has maintained for years that he is gay, but you doubt him. In light of your mother's reaction, why would your brother hold himself out as being gay if it wasn't true? When in college, you probably decided to wait until you were out in the real world. Now you are waiting for your first real job. Once you have that, you won't want to jeopardize it by coming out. There will always be a reason not to come out.

I think your work situation presents a perfect opportunity for you. You work in a somewhat gay friendly environment and you could make friends with some of the gay guys. You don't have to "come out", but you could take advantage of the chance to spend more time with gay guys and become more comfortable with who you are. Your job won't be in jeopardy and if things don't go well, it's only a temporary job anyway.

With regard to your mother, you already know how your mother will react. The response may not be as receptive as we would all like, but it doesn't sound like she disowned your brother either. Your brother has already made a path for you, now you just need to walk down it.

You have done the hard part, which is to admit to yourself that you are gay. You have every right to come out on your own terms, but just be careful that you aren't looking for excuses to avoid coming out. Already being out before starting your career will be much easier than coming out once you have established yourself in the career.

I have no doubt some of the gay guys around where I work know about me. I'm the first to admit I check out hot guys, wait on the younger guys (guys my own age) when I can, and I have been recently chatting up regularly a really cool guy who you'd never suspect is gay but he is and I've learned a lot from him, I'm pretty sure he knows about me.

But I mean at large most people think I'm straight, I'm not overly effeminate and I don't fall into some of the more prominent stereotypes. And I still get people asking me about what girls I'm seeing and crap, although I realize they could easily be fishing to see how I'd react to that.

As for mi madre. Yeah she was great to my brother to his face, but to me she said all the stuff you'd expect "well maybe he just needs to be with a woman" or "he wasn't effeminate" and of course she blames her said, she told me once she never told a single person about it because of how it might reflect on her...Sadly my mother is part of the baby boomers that once pretended to open and liberal but at heart are pretty bigoted towards gays and other minorities.

So if I came out to here, I know she'd be doing all of that crap internally while being nothing but nice to my face.

I don't know........and I might add, this thread has gone a completely different way than I anticipated. Not a bad way, its actually been quite helpful.

 

[backpacker]

I think you are a little like me; you just don't like people talking about you. The reality is that people are going to talk no matter what, so why not just live your life and be happy? With your mother, it doesn't matter if you come out now or five years from now, the reaction will be the same. Unless you plan on being in the closet the rest of your life, why worry about how she will react? From your description, you sound like the closet door is wide open, but you haven't taken the step out yet. You should come out when you feel ready, but my guess is that it will probably be sometime soon.

 

[Soilwork]

There's nothing more painful than watching a guy who thinks he's in the closet either try to divert conversation or change the subject or play coy.

It causes more rolled eyes than anything.

Even at Fratmen we had one guy who was out to everyone but himself. we all knew and didn't understand why he kept insisting he wasn't gay. He eventually got over it and we all respected him a lot more once he was out to us all.. before we just thought he was kinda lame.

Just sayin.

 

[tallguy297]

hey aqua,

Mate the most important thing here is that you are comfortable with yourself...and like you've said you're only just coming to terms with being gay. Thats a huge step and one that takes some courage to face up to. You should be proud that you've had the strength to do that, especially with your brothers experiences. Admitting it to yourself is a lot harder than telling others at times....

I admire the way you understand yourself and know your limitations...it is your choice as to how and when you deal with this stuff. You're at a stage where you see other priorities as being more important...and thats fair enough. If you were in denial of being gay thats a different story, but you're not...youre acceptance of that fact means that you can see clearly the other things that need attention for right now.

What makes your situation different is you either know or suspect others are talking about you or are questioning your sexuality, and that throws a different pressure on you that if you were blissfully ignorant of others thoughts and whispers. It really is a case of what you dont know doesnt hurt you, but the reality is people are always talked about. As humans its what we do best - gossip. But usually we just dont know that its happening.

Whether or not you are obvious, noticable, or have everyone completely fooled it doesnt matter. This is about how you feel about yourself, your ability to see yourself as a true, honest, trusting, open and loyal friend, son and co worker. This is about your ability to be happy with who you are and how you feel. Its obvious you are compassionate and caring. Thats the real you.

Take your time with this aqua. When you are ready confide in those around you who you can trust and are comfortable with. Until then mate, deal with it however you feel is best and in your own way. People will always talk and gossip - and most likely for most of them its because they dont understand why someone like you hasnt got a girlfriend. Its not because you give away who you are....its because you should be with someone because you are worthy of that.

 

[aquamememe]

I think you are a little like me; you just don't like people talking about you. The reality is that people are going to talk no matter what, so why not just live your life and be happy? With your mother, it doesn't matter if you come out now or five years from now, the reaction will be the same. Unless you plan on being in the closet the rest of your life, why worry about how she will react? From your description, you sound like the closet door is wide open, but you haven't taken the step out yet. You should come out when you feel ready, but my guess is that it will probably be sometime soon.

'

See you seem to have nailed my situation, yeah I live my life and I don't go around thinking "don't act gay, don't act gay." Mostly, it bugs me people would rather talk behind my back than ask me point blank..altho once that happened at college and I pretty much tripped and stuttered my way out of the room lol.

But yeah, I've gone out on date a date or two in full public view, but I'm just not ready for this to enter my concrete, everyday reality, especially as I'm just figuring it all out.

That so bad?

 

[Reprobate]

Does your closet look like this perchance?

 

[aquamememe]

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm no.

which is lucky b/c I think the background would give people an idea when I peak out from my cave at people.