in, then out, then in again.

[trikky]

Hi guys, I only just found this site and have been reading lots of the posts and wanted to post my story and hear any feedback from you all.

Well I'm in my late 30s and have known for 20yrs that I like guys and girls didn't really do anything for me. But like so many other people I tried to go along with societies expectations, so I didn't do anything about my sexually and essentially buried all feelings and emotions deep as I was in denial about my sexuality for a long time. I decided that I didn't want to / couldn't come out and so as long as I lived alone and never got involved with anyone it would not be a problem and I would not have to confront any issues and could live in self denial. I did not want to try and marry a girl to cover things up as I felt that this would only ruin someone else's life and would be completely wrong.

Over time I got used to being self sufficient and comfortable in my own company, as I had little choice as one of the big downsides of being closeted is that you either lie to your friends about relationships, which I never did, or you avoid letting people get close so they don't ever ask you personal questions, which is what I have done. Due to this avoidance of personal stuff I have only 1 close friend (male) who I have known for 20 years. He is married and I am godfather to his children. Anyway over the last few years I ummed and arhed about whether to come out or try to get involved with anyone and always put if off, until about 3 years ago I was working for a short time with my best friend and we had to stay away at a hotel as we had a sales meeting next morning with a company. I built myself up to coming out to him whilst we were there, and the moment came when we were having a drink in the empty bar and he asked me why I wasn't ever involved with anyone, and so I told him it was because I was gay. At that moment the bar man came back in and my friend suggested we go somewhere else to continue the discussion, and so we went to my room. ( I had booked us separate rooms in case things went bad.)

Once we got to my room I just fell apart and a whole deluge of pent up emotions and anguish came out, and he listened as 20 years of anxiety, confusion and baggage was sobbed out before him. He didn't really say much at first but hugged me and listened. He didn't really believe I was gay and asked why I thought I was and so I said because I fancy guys! He said so does everyone! So I said well for me the attraction is 80% guys and only 20% girls ( I lied is was really about 98% and 2%) but he reacted as if I was over reacting to things. Anyway we ended up talking until 5am before he left to get some sleep before our sales meeting. Anyway next day we carried on as normal and after the meeting when we were driving back we started talking again, not just about my sexuality but being in a fragile state I decided to offload other baggage whilst I was at it which I did. Anyway as we got close to my dropping off point we returned to the subject of my sexuality and it was clear that he didn't believe me as he said he would soon snap me out of it but then changed 10 minutes later to saying he didn't know what to say cause he didn't want to say anything that might insult me. He suggested I speak to his wife (who I get on with) to see what she could "tease out" That really put me off because after being in denial for so long and getting mixed reviews from him I didn't want to be interrogated and was now feeling confused. So I asked him not to say anything to her because I wasn't ready and then I found myself kind of backing off back into the closet.

 

[trikky]

in, then out, then in again (part 2)

Anyway he dropped me off and asked if I was ok and I said I was, and he drove off. We carried on as normal after that but he never asked me anything related again and I think decided that the subject was off limits. On one or two occassions during conversation he made the odd homophobic remark in unguarded moments, but not aimed at me, it was as if he still didn't believe I was gay, although before coming out to him I always thought he knew but in our deep discussion he denied having any idea. He is the only close friend I have and although I have never had any sexual feelings for him, he is closer to me than any of my family and more like a brother.

Anyway working together didn't really work out and a few months later instead of letting me know how he felt he just stopped coming into work until I had to go and see him and tell him maybe we should call it a day on the work front. He seemed relieved but left me annoyed that he had done this to get me to call an end to it instead of him and I ended up falling out with him because I felt like we had lost the ability to communicate. The fact that he knew all that stuff about me and now we had fallen out made me decide not to come out to anyone else. So I climbed back in the closet, and shut the door tight.

We went through a period of about a year when we didn't speak but I sent the odd short email and got just a short reply.

 

[trikky]

in, then out, then in again (part 3)

Anyway recently him and family came over and stayed at my home for the weekend, but we now seem to have only a superficial friendship. I don't think there is any animosity about my sexuality but my friend seems to have decided that the subject is off bounds, as he never mentioned it or asked me anything ever since that day. I am sure he has told his wife quite soon after I told him, which I don't mind about, I just wonder who else he has told.
Anyway the whole experience put me back in the closet, where I still am. As I am not in a relationship I don't see any reason to come out at the moment. I think the problem is that human sexuality is too complex to be summed up in just 3 words, and people have pre conceived ideas of what those words mean. However one good thing that came from the whole experience is that I did manage to rid myself of 20 years of baggage and anxiety I had carried around and which had depressed me at times. I also find that I am no longer always worried about being found out and I think that my personality has become more open as a result of the confidence that has given me. This is the first time I have posted like this and I would love to hear any feedback. Sorry if I rambled on a bit.

trikky

 

[JoeyLj]

Re: in, then out, then in again (part 3)

Hi. I enjoyed reading ur experiences

I think its a good sign him and his family came to stay. Perhaps he doesn't mention you being gay just because it doesn't matter much to him? Maybe you could invite them again for dinner or something? Try and rebuild the friendship a bit more with him as well as his wife

Also before I came out I did the same thing with regards to not letting people get too close- but ever since I find I've been more outgoing and stuff and its easier to let my guard down.

 

[KaraBulut]

Re: in, then out, then in again (part 3)

Anyway the whole experience put me back in the closet, where I still am. As I am not in a relationship I don't see any reason to come out at the moment. I think the problem is that human sexuality is too complex to be summed up in just 3 words, and people have pre conceived ideas of what those words mean.

Not to start this out on confrontive note, but to instead make it clear that this is in your control...

This experience is not what put you back in the closet. You put you back in the closet.

You had a friend that was uncomfortable with your confession. You didn't talk to him (or his wife) about that discomfort, so your friend is now wondering, "What the hell do I do with this information?".

However one good thing that came from the whole experience is that I did manage to rid myself of 20 years of baggage and anxiety I had carried around and which had depressed me at times. I also find that I am no longer always worried about being found out and I think that my personality has become more open as a result of the confidence that has given me. This is the first time I have posted like this and I would love to hear any feedback. Sorry if I rambled on a bit.

Coming out is different things for different people.

Sometimes it is that face-palm moment where you stop lying to yourself and admit to yourself that you're gay.

Sometimes it means that you just put it out there, stop hiding the gay books at the house, you stop changing genders when you talk about "the person that I'm dating", etc.

But sometimes it means that you just don't lie when asked and you just live your life honestly, like you are entitled to live it, just like anyone else- gay or straight or whatever.

I guess the question for you is, "What now?". Where do you want to go from here?

 

[Halifaxboy8]

Here's a point of realism.

I read your posts so I understand the history as you wrote it. I can feel the anguish that you must have gone through to open your heart and soul to this person who you felt should have understood you. That he didn't understand is tragic, and really, really sad. That said, at the end of the day, he is one person.

Also, at the end of the day, its your life. Realise that. Its your life, and your happiness. It is shitty that this happened, but it is, as I said, one person. There is an entire world out there full of people that will accept and embrace you.

The closet is a safe place, but its not a true place to be, is it? You feel like you've gone backwards, into a place to hide, of rejection and fear of reprisal.

But, you aren't supposed to be there, are you? You came out to your friend, and you are reaching out to us here. One foot in, one out. As Tony Sopprano said, "You can't put the shit back in the donkey".

God, you're in a painful place, but you're not alone buddy. Until you can find people, you have us. We're people too There's a ton of us who've gone through similar things, survived it, and gone on to have wonderful, openly gay lives.

Please post more, even to just get it out. We'll listen.

 

[Lube]

Re: in, then out, then in again (part 3)

However one good thing that came from the whole experience is that I did manage to rid myself of 20 years of baggage and anxiety I had carried around and which had depressed me at times. I also find that I am no longer always worried about being found out and I think that my personality has become more open as a result of the confidence that has given me. This is the first time I have posted like this and I would love to hear any feedback. Sorry if I rambled on a bit.

trikky

Yay for trikky!!!
Yes, coming out can be hard, but you've pointed out some of the exquisite benefits! Isn't it great to finally be who you are, and not have to hide, pretend, and change descriptions of things to fit how you think people want it to sound?

Yes, you took a tentative step out, and got burned a little bit. But don't let that stop you. The fact that you posted that story says, to me, that you want to move beyond that, but you're a little afraid.

Don't be afraid. Move beyond it. (Personally, the way he acted I think shows him to be a closet case, but others may disagree with me.)

Be who you are. And surround yourself with people who are OK with who you are.

And, yes, we want to hear more about you. Spill it all out here. That's what we're here for.

 

[crowboy]

Hi Trikky,

After replying to your PM I found your thread. I think you and I know how each other feels. I can only say that I hope you find the strength to keep going and get back out of the closet. Yes the problem doesn't end there but it is a start. Now I'm out I don't know where to go. The closet is behind me and I sure as hell will not go back in. I'm looking left, looking right, looking ahead. I don't know which way to go but at least I'm out of the damn closet.

Stick around, who knows, you may find inspiration, courage, drive, what ever you need to take those steps.

I don't know your friend. But if I may offer a thought from what you have posted. If he was not OK with you he would not have come to stay with his family. Yes the friendship was strained after your coming out to him. Maybe it is because he does not know what to do, or how to act with you. This can only be resolved with you being honest with him again. You've done it before, perhaps you should consider doing it again. One thing I have found out in my very limited experience is that while coming out was a big big big deal to me. It was not to others. It was like yeah tell us something we didn't already know..... I suggest you have talk to him. Does he know how important his friendship is to you, tell him. That's just my two cents worth. Only you can know what is best. But I think honesty (again) is a good place to start.

I wish you well Trikky

 

[hvk1989]

Hey Trikky,

Reading your post, I relate to you living alone in a state of self-denial for years because that was me as well. Since you told your friend and were able to get the 20 years of baggage and anxiety off your chest, you know what a relief that is. And quite the accomplishment! Being new to coming out to myself and getting past my years of self-denial, going back is not an option for me. If I look back now, I can see the adverse affects living in the state of self-denial had on me. I don't know what my own road ahead will bring as far as coming out to other friends and certain family members--at times it will be smooth, other times it will be rocky. I only know I need to keep going forward and want to encourage you to keep going forward as well--even if it's slightly slanted.

Regarding your friend, I may be more direct than most because of my profession/background. I would meet face to face with him at a comfortable location and ask direct questions about the turn your relationship has taken--not in a confrontational manner, but in a tone and manner that expresses the concern you've expressed here about your relationship--it's obvious you care about it--I think you should let him know how much you do care.

Sorry if I rambled on a bit.

No, you are far more succinct than me! Keep posting!! People do read them and, at least for me, just working through typing things out helps a lot because I'm not suppressing my emotions/doubts.

 

[spencer]

I think when you move on and continue being gay, you can introduce and show your friend that it's not that different from being straight in the sense of wanting to find love and be loved (if you're into that). Then he'll be able to identify with the information he's choosing not deal with mentally. He's probably thinking of horror stories in is head. It's up to you to demonstrate for him otherwise to help him out.

He's still friends with you, he didn't forget.

 

[trikky]

hey guys thanks for all your feedback and encouragement. This website really rocks. But only because of guys like you.
I don't know if my best friend has taken on board that I am gay or whether he is in denial (lol!) I know the only way to find out is to talk about it but my instinct is that, whilst he is fine with me (although we are not as close now) he does not feel comfortable taking about it. He's probably scared of having another 20 years of garbage dumped on him lol. However compared to how some of these things go it was still probably a good reaction.
I am going to work on rebuilding our friendship and with his wife over the next few months before doing anything. I think that me next discussion with him should involve his wife also as I'm sure he has told her and perhaps he would be more comfortable if it was a threesome. (hehe)

Previously I thought that there was no point in coming out because I wasn't doing anything anyway, and wasn't looking. Now I think I will take the next step but from within the closet, ie I will try and embrace a bit of my sexuality first which hopefully will then only strengthen my resolve that I'm doing the right thing.
The most positive thing for me though was that before I told my best friend I was always very conscious of my body language and what I said and wore as I was trying to appear straight although I didn't date girls. Now I am not so conscious even though I'm not really out. Also before, I avoided casual eye contact with strangers in case they thought I was gay and taking a sexual interest in them, never thinking the reverse could be true. All this letting my guard down and not being so obsessive about whether people might think I'm gay has had the benefit of making me seem more approachable to others, and I'm sure that the vibes I was sending out before were saying do not approach.

The only strange thing about all this is that recently I have been getting a lot of sexual interest from girls. It's really ironic that when I was trying to play it straight girls never looked at me and gay guys seemed interested, now that I'm more open the situation seems to have reversed! Has anyone else found that.

Maybe it's just that my confidence is better now and my personality is more open?

 

[TX-Beau]

We as gay men deal with this issue all our lives, and if we’re not out, it occupies a huge amount of our time and energy. We deal with it for decades sometimes before we ever tell anybody.

The people we tell haven’t been dealing with this for years, it occupies a tiny part of their lives and energy, and they don’t start to deal with it until we bring it up.

Small wonder it may take them time to process and work through it.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

You might find that a lot of people will be attracted to you when you become comfortable with yourself. If I meet someone who won't look at me, I think there a shifty person, so you could have given off a weird vibe and people avoided you.

Friendships, relationships and acquaintances can tell when something just isn't quite right with someone. It's our basic instinct. So we avoid people like that and we don't pursue friendships or relationships with them.