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Incapable of making friends

M

me12121

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Ever since I learned I was gay in 8th grade, my life has been at a standstill. I just finished my undergrad and it seems like it was a total waste of time since I haven't been able to change anything in my life.

-I still don't have any good friends
-I have no social skills
-I push everyone away from me
-I feel inferior to everyone
-Comparing myself to people around me makes me feel inferior
-I feel hopeless about the future
-I don't think I'll ever be able to connect with anyone

I'm starting a new program at a new school and I'd like things to be different this time, but I'm not really sure what to do to accomplish that. It seems like I'm incapable of making friends, and I'm not sure what to do.
 
I feel the same way sometimes.

I end up tolerating people only briefly, and seldom bother seeing people again.

But have no fear. You will find your niche... just be free with yourself and dont expect anything. The moment you stop looking for friends, you'll suddenly make them.

:kiss:
 
Self-confidence will make you very attractive. Do things you believe in. Live your life the way you think you should

What's stopping you?
 
The fact that you want things to be diferent is huge. Now you just need to learn how to make those changes. A life coach or group therapy of some kind would be my suggestions. It seems as if you have allowed being gay to become a social barrier. Good luck to you.
 
A good gay mentor can help. I was fortunate to have been "brought-out" by a 48 year old mostly masculine gay man who reinforced the fact that gay is good and we are not second-class citizens as well as told me that I was sexy and handsome despite my weighing only 150 lbs.
 
My school offers two group counselling programs that I may attend: "Support Group for LGBT Students and their Allies" and "Developing Social Confidence". I'm not that optimistic about them helping, and I'm not sure what else I can do...it's like all I know how to do is push people away.
 
me12121 said:
My school offers two group counselling programs that I may attend: "Support Group for LGBT Students and their Allies" and "Developing Social Confidence". I'm not that optimistic about them helping, and I'm not sure what else I can do...it's like all I know how to do is push people away.
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I'm with soreknees and alt. And, . . .

Definitely go. At least 3 times. And take the opportunity to see if you "click" with any of the counselors and maybe want to do some additional individual work.

The "lack of optimism" you mention might be more than just an attitude. It can be chemical/physiological. It is possible that you can't just "get over it."

Everything you've said sounds really familiar to me. PM if you want to vent more.

ned
 
me12121 said:
My school offers two group counselling programs that I may attend: "Support Group for LGBT Students and their Allies" and "Developing Social Confidence". I'm not that optimistic about them helping, and I'm not sure what else I can do...it's like all I know how to do is push people away.
Click to expand...

You really need a self-confidence boost. I understand where you're coming from but, trust me, you're capable of so much more than you think you can. You need to snap out of that self-pity mood you're in...that ain't gonna solve nothing! Yes, change is scary but one must take a chance on things, take risks in life...life IS a risk, hence why it can be both rewarding and a pain in the ass at the same time.
You've convinced yourself that you're incapable of many things...that's what's stopping you, that's what's making you feel stuck, in some sort of limbo.
Don't think so much about things, be a bit more impulsive, more spontaneous...DON'T THINK, JUST DO IT!! May you screw up sometimes being more spontaneous? Yes but, more importantly, you'll also learn a lot and grow...you're afraid of making mistakes, of not being successful, of not "making it"...well, fear has the power to paralize you.


When I went to college I was so scared of the new and making contact with other people I wouldn't even go to the places where everyone hung out at. I was always very bipolar...I was extremely extroverted but extremely shy at the same time...I've always had this craziness in me but the shy part of myself was holding me back, was preventing me to let loose and be myself.
Then, despite the fear, I took a few chances and then I radically changed for the better...I became gradually more and more confident in my capabilities and comfortable in my own skin and that's why in the 2nd year of college I already had a HUGE social network.
I know how you feel but sometimes it's better to just do things and think about them later...|
 
Yeah, you either need a "self confidence boost" or a motivational kick in the ass. I can't tell which.

OK, what are you doing to change your situation?

Is it possible that you are clinically depressed and need some professional Help?
 
I tried counselling at my current school but it didn't really help...my counsellor didn't really push me to do anything, and I was too scared to do anything so it was kind of pointless. I was also on Paxil for 3 months. I felt more optimistic while I was on it, but I was sleeping 12+ hours per night so I had to wean myself off of it. I haven't tried any other drugs after my bad Paxil experience, but I'd be open to it.
 
Studies have indicated that the best results seem to be obtained through both psychopharmacological and psychotherapeutical approaches, not through only one or the other. Why not try that?
 
me12121 said:
I tried counselling at my current school but it didn't really help...my counsellor didn't really push me to do anything, and I was too scared to do anything so it was kind of pointless. I was also on Paxil for 3 months. I felt more optimistic while I was on it, but I was sleeping 12+ hours per night so I had to wean myself off of it. I haven't tried any other drugs after my bad Paxil experience, but I'd be open to it.
Click to expand...

If you had some + effect (more optimistic) but way more - effect (too sleepy), it's worth trying again. The choice of the med and dosage are always guesses that need to be checked. And 3 months is not a very long time for some people to get solid results.

Like others here, I encourage you to keep trying, whatever you choose.
 
Some good advice here. Keep us posted on the progress you make. Recognizing that you want change is an important step to making it happen.
 
me12121 said:
-I still don't have any good friends
Click to expand...
This takes time, but it does happen. It happens naturally, organically, can never be forced. I know that saying "have patience" isn't very helpful, but something like having a good friend can't really be rushed. In my opinion.

me12121 said:
I have no social skills
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Fortunately you can learn social skills and you do get better at them the more you use them. I'm one to know from experience, being a reclusive shut-in with depression and severe social anxiety.

me12121 said:
I push everyone away from me
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Do you know why you push everyone away?

me12121 said:
I feel inferior to everyone
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This can take time to change, but it's absolutely changeable. The truth is that you're not inferior. No one has any idea what the hell they're doing in life; if they appear to, it's just because they're good at keeping up that appearance.

me12121 said:
Comparing myself to people around me makes me feel inferior
Click to expand...
You can train yourself to stop doing this. I find physical aversion therapy with a rubber band really helped me.

me12121 said:
I feel hopeless about the future
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This can also be changed, it takes a willingness to want to change and encouragement from others. The future is inherently nebulous because it's not a real thing: It's an expectation. The only reality is now, there is no such thing as later.

me12121 said:
I don't think I'll ever be able to connect with anyone
Click to expand...
You will, don't worry. You're a primate, dude. It's in your DNA, it's hard-wired into your brain. You got it in you, you just gotta work through some stuff first.
 
me12121 said:
Ever since I learned I was gay in 8th grade, my life has been at a standstill. I just finished my undergrad and it seems like it was a total waste of time since I haven't been able to change anything in my life.

-I still don't have any good friends
-I have no social skills
-I push everyone away from me
-I feel inferior to everyone
-Comparing myself to people around me makes me feel inferior
-I feel hopeless about the future
-I don't think I'll ever be able to connect with anyone

I'm starting a new program at a new school and I'd like things to be different this time, but I'm not really sure what to do to accomplish that. It seems like I'm incapable of making friends, and I'm not sure what to do.
Click to expand...

I know exactly how you feel, because I feel the same way. Worst part is I'm almost 50
which makes it much harder for me to change. It should be easier for you to change.
Whatever it takes to change, do it! Don't waste your whole life like I have. Get out there and get in the game!
 
Royal Heart said:
Do you know why you push everyone away?
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I started doing it when I learned I was gay because I thought it would be the end of the world if someone found out. I don't feel the same way anymore, but I still push people away because it has pretty much become habit I guess.
 
me12121 said:
I started doing it when I learned I was gay because I thought it would be the end of the world if someone found out. I don't feel the same way anymore, but I still push people away because it has pretty much become habit I guess.
Click to expand...
Ah, that can be a tough one. I still have to work hard not to ignore people and pretend I can't hear them over my music, because, to me, it's easier to ignore someone than it is to engage them. It's a bad habit that I picked up when I was really struggling bad with crippling anxiety, and it's a habit I'm still working to completely kick.

It takes some mental prep beforehand, and some serious exercising of willpower, but it does get easier the more you do it. Sometimes you just gotta really kick your own ass and git 'er done.
 
me12121 said:
I tried counselling at my current school but it didn't really help...my counsellor didn't really push me to do anything, and I was too scared to do anything so it was kind of pointless. I was also on Paxil for 3 months. I felt more optimistic while I was on it, but I was sleeping 12+ hours per night so I had to wean myself off of it. I haven't tried any other drugs after my bad Paxil experience, but I'd be open to it.
Click to expand...

So why don't you? Not to be rude, but why should your "counsellor" push you to do anything? That's not his fault, it's yours! So you hate people, but want to be loved by said people you hate. See the conflict there my friend? The biggest turn-off in anyone is being a sourpuss. Why do you hate everyone? Because you hate them before they get a chance to hate you?
 
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