Infatuated with a guy, why does it feel like an addiction?

[thefishinthesea23]

So I am infatuated with this guy and I can't stop thinking about him. It makes no sense, its like a drug and I keep thinking about him wanting more. He constantly pops up in mind even though hes never really shown open interest in me.

I made a post about this some weeks ago. I made a VERY subtle approach to this guy almost undetectable LOL and I felt he ignored me. So I decided to let it go. Days later we had this assignment in class were we had to draw each other and i had to draw him, while he drew someone that drew me. It was a coincidence that I was assigned to draw him, but I didn't mind.

Boy what a mistake. I had an excuse to stare at his every detail and i just "fell for him". Seriously the more I looked at him the more I liked him. I think I was even blushing . It was damn good drawing too and the professor congratulated me. Then he saw it and smile. He told me next time I drew him he would let his hair loose to make it harder for me and then he asked me if I would like that? I just stood there like an idiot, because in my mind maybe he was making a move on me, but my self defense mechanism told me it wasn't so I just smiled.

Anyways after that I just kept thinking of him and having that damn drawing doesn't help either. I keep catching him looking at me, sometimes with sparkly eyes and sometimes he just looking at me with attitude . Again maybe I imagine it all, but I am so tired of him occupying my thoughts like this! This Thursday is the last day I see him before the holidays and I am just going to straight out ask him and give him my number! Even if I look like a fool, I just want him out of my system! I'm not used to falling for guys like this so I sort of feel vulnerable.

To make it even more weird, he is everything I supposedly don't like! Should I go ahead with this? I suppose like with all addictions it will eventually subside with time. Woah I hope this wall of text makes sense!

 

[Stoopid]

It's infatuation babe.. can we see the drawing?

 

[bw92116]

I've been infatuated and even a little obsessed with particular guys in the past. It's no fun and it blocks out the possibility of a healthy relationship. And yes, you are vulnerable to being hurt by this. It's hard to stop thinking about them and trying to stop thinking about them just makes it harder. The book "Obsessive Love" by Susan Forward helped me a lot. One of the key points is that to escape from the torture of obsession you have to refocus your mind from him to you. From what you have posted I think he is just toying with you and not really serious about a relationship with you.

Maybe this break for Christmas will be a good chance to "get over" him. But I would start getting over him now, so that it doesn't occupy your mind over the Christmas holiday. I wouldn't bother to ask him or do anything in particular this Thursday. If he is genuinely interested in you, he will do or say something. He might not, though, and you might feel hurt by that, but the hurt will go away quickly, and you can move on. It's easy to say, but hard to achieve, but your happiness is ultimately up to you and not to him. You can't allow your feelings to be dependent on what another person says or does to you, because even though it can make you feel happy if they are nice to you, it can make you feel miserable if they are not nice to you or ignore you. That's placing responsibility for your own happiness on someone else, and that's a mistake in general.

Also, having a wide social circle with a lot of people in it will help reduce the impact of any one person on you. That's about all I can say about it now, but I hope Seasoned reads this and provides one of his thoughtful, well-written answers.

 

[jensu846]

yes that makes sense. I was "addicted" to a straight guy for a long period of time. I would be at work and constantly thinking about what he is doing "right now" and wondering if he ever thought of me. He occupied my brain every other minute it felt like, and I bet I jacked off to him in my head 1000 times. I would see him on a daily basis and that made it that much harder. I completely understand what you mean.
Finally I just couldnt take it, I had to clear my head so I finally told him I liked him but he wasnt into guys. That hurt, but now I am over him and feel alot better. My brain is clear of him and I can focus on better things. I suspect alot of guys on here go thru this tho, so youre not alone.
Hope you have better luck with him than I did with mine!

 

[bw92116]

It's almost a daily thing on this forum! "Help! I'm in love with ----" often a straight guy or a best friend, and the situations are often different, the feelings different, but there's always an attachment, or an obsession, or an addictive feeling, of some kind associated with it. These things can be very hard to dismantle, in fact I still have one going on, that is not as powerful, but I still haven't broken off completely from it for over 3 years! So I know how hard it is to make the break in your mind and you can easily fall back into it. The most effective way to get over it is to have no contact with that person whatsoever, for a period or time or even forever. No texts, no calls, no seeing them in person, no communication at all. That can be a painful thing to go through and it's tough, but it usually results in a breaking of the addiction or addictive nature of the relationship. Besides all the good advice you will get on this forum, you might also take a look at the forum at http://www.enotalone.com/forum/index.php as there is a wealth of good advice there too.

 

[TX-Beau]

...If he is genuinely interested in you, he will do or say something. He might not, though, and you might feel hurt by that, but the hurt will go away quickly (maybe not quickly but it will), and you can move on. It's easy to say, but hard to achieve, but your happiness is ultimately up to you and not to him...

bolded is my comment

This is so fucking true. Back when I was closeted, and then for a period when I was not, I did this, obsessed over a guy, accommodated him, subordinated my emotional health to that, and it never worked. Early on when I was closeted the guy was straight (and I convinced myself that he was closeted) later he wasn't but the pattern was the same.

Along came a gay guy who I didn't like very much at the time - who in the end taught me a whole lot of useful things - including the above.

You can chase the guy, but if you get nothing in return, if there is never anything there in the first place, you aren't in love, you have an infatuation.

If it's all you, you are the one calling, you are the one maintaining, you are the one pining and getting nowhere, you have a problem.

So what was the advice I got. Stop. Stop calling, stop giving, stop involving yourself and see if your fantasy in your head bears out.

So I tried it, and you know what, unless that last obsession wanted something, I never heard from him. He didn't call me to hang out, after I stopped calling him, he didn't come over to see me (he never did, I was the one going to him,) he called if he wanted to borrow money, or borrow my car, or anything like that, but after a month or so it was clear, even to me, that what was in my head was just in my head.

Maybe you'll get lucky, but the lesson here is that you don't even have a friendship unless it goes both ways.

All that "but he was looking at me," is incredibly suspect. If he's going to be a freind - he needs to meet you half way - and if you want him for more, he's going to have to show some REAL interest. Not interest you've constructed in your head.

So, stop. Ask him to go get a beer sometime, leave him YOUR number, then walk away and see if he ever calls you.

 

[jensu846]

bolded is my comment

This is so fucking true. Back when I was closeted, and then for a period when I was not, I did this, obsessed over a guy, accommodated him, subordinated my emotional health to that, and it never worked. Early on when I was closeted the guy was straight (and I convinced myself that he was closeted) later he wasn't but the pattern was the same.

Along came a gay guy who I didn't like very much at the time - who in the end taught me a whole lot of useful things - including the above.

You can chase the guy, but if you get nothing in return, if there is never anything there in the first place, you aren't in love, you have an infatuation.

If it's all you, you are the one calling, you are the one maintaining, you are the one pining and getting nowhere, you have a problem.

So what was the advice I got. Stop. Stop calling, stop giving, stop involving yourself and see if your fantasy in your head bears out.

So I tried it, and you know what, unless that last obsession wanted something, I never heard from him. He didn't call me to hang out, after I stopped calling him, he didn't come over to see me (he never did, I was the one going to him,) he called if he wanted to borrow money, or borrow my car, or anything like that, but after a month or so it was clear, even to me, that what was in my head was just in my head.

Maybe you'll get lucky, but the lesson here is that you don't even have a friendship unless it goes both ways.

All that "but he was looking at me," is incredibly suspect. If he's going to be a freind - he needs to meet you half way - and if you want him for more, he's going to have to show some REAL interest. Not interest you've constructed in your head.

So, stop. Ask him to go get a beer sometime, leave him YOUR number, then walk away and see if he ever calls you.

I know this isnt even my thread, but damn TXbeau, what you said is so spot on! I was the one initiating everything! and when I stopped, he never once made an effort to contact me. Looking back, he never liked me at all, and EVERY little look or conversation he had with me convinced me that he must be closeted and likes me and its just a matter of time. God, I must have looked pathetic in his eyes. We didnt even have a friendship. I drummed it all up in my head.

I hope some of this info helps fishinthesea.

 

[Seasoned]

I'll tell you what I like best about your post. I like your instinct for taking care of yourself. I haven't read the book, Obsessive Love so do take that advice, but the instinct I'm writing about has to do with you handing over worrying what to do next but wanting to give him your number and let him decide if and when to call.

Let me tell you a bit of a story. Many years ago the same thing happened to me. I hooked up with a really sweet, attractive guy. I called him several times to go out and each time he had an excuse. I knew I was getting obsessive and I'd get nervous calling only to get the same line, can't meet up but it's ok to try again. I knew it wasn't healthy for me to keep asking and to keep getting turned down. I gave him my number not even sure if he wrote it down and then let go of any thoughts of wanting something with him. A few months went by and I thought of him again, but had forgotten his name. A few weeks after that he called me.

That hook up will be 29 years ago next March. His phone call was in July. We got together in July of 1983 and have been together ever since. We were married in NYC last month and we just got back from our local wedding reception! I'm living an effin fairy tale.

I'm not saying this will happen to you but I like you thinking you'll give him your number. You'll then be able to get on with life. Even if you get a weird ass reaction you'll benefit. It will snap you out of any obsession and might even prevent other ones. Good luck to you whatever happens.

 

[bw92116]

Wow, that's an amazing story, Seasoned. Thanks for that. The most interesting line in it, for me, is actually, "and then let go of any thoughts of wanting something with him." How did you do that? For me that has always been the toughest part, to stop wanting something with him. The "wanting something" doesn't go away easily for me.

 

[thefishinthesea23]

Well some of these replies were a much needed slap in the face. I thank you for that. I wonder why so many of us put ourselves in this position. This doesn't mean that I am over it, because id be lying if I said, he still poking around my brain!

Yet something has changed and come Thursday I will give him my number and tell him to call me anytime he feels like talking about anything. After that I think it will bring closure to this whether he calls me or not. If I get lucky like Seasoned then good for me! Otherwise I will just focus on moving on.
Next semester is my last semester here and I plan to go to graduate school in a place where meeting other men isn't such a hassle and being afraid to ask them if their gay for fear of retribution, Im thinking NYC area or Madrid.
Also I am glad to taste my own medicine of rejecting people or flat out ignoring them. It is indeed a bitter one .

P.S. Im sorry Stoopid I turned in my portfolio last week for grading, but it will be returned to me this Thursday. I might post a picture of it when I archive it digitally... or maybe ill just burn the damn thing if he keeps occupying my mind!

 

[NCDogGuy]

Seasoned - as usual, a fascinating tidbit about your relationship. Wow.

To the OP:
It seems like an addiction because it is. I've been going through the same thing.

Each time your guy gives you positive feed back (a smile, any contact) I think that is like a "hit" - and it feels good. You literally get a high from it -- "He smiled at me! Maybe he does like me!!!" But then nothing more happens. And you get worried. And feel a little rejected. And it hurts. Kind of like a withdrawl. So you crave a bigger better hit from him. And that feeds the fantasy. And then he gives you another little hit. Repeat.

It's like the gambler playing the slots. A few coins out now and then. And you keep putting money in, hoping for the jackpot. And people do win the jackpot sometimes. But many don't.

You've got to decide whether it is worth it. But if you stop initiating things, the truth will come out. And it may hurt. There are a lot of gay guys out there.

But it sure sucks, doesn't it. And the worst is when you really realize, and believe, and know, that he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him.

 

[thefishinthesea23]

Seasoned - as usual, a fascinating tidbit about your relationship. Wow.

To the OP:
It seems like an addiction because it is. I've been going through the same thing.

Each time your guy gives you positive feed back (a smile, any contact) I think that is like a "hit" - and it feels good. You literally get a high from it -- "He smiled at me! Maybe he does like me!!!" But then nothing more happens. And you get worried. And feel a little rejected. And it hurts. Kind of like a withdrawl. So you crave a bigger better hit from him. And that feeds the fantasy. And then he gives you another little hit. Repeat.

It's like the gambler playing the slots. A few coins out now and then. And you keep putting money in, hoping for the jackpot. And people do win the jackpot sometimes. But many don't.

You've got to decide whether it is worth it. But if you stop initiating things, the truth will come out. And it may hurt. There are a lot of gay guys out there.

But it sure sucks, doesn't it. And the worst is when you really realize, and believe, and know, that he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him.

Im wordless... this makes so much sense and it makes me a bit disappointed in myself

 

[NCDogGuy]

I repeat. I'm going through this myself. I'm convinced this is how it works. Feelings of love and lust give a high. Which is fine when directed in a good place. Not so good when perpetually unrequited.

Think of the songs and sayings. Drunk on love. Your love is my drug. I'm addicted to you.

I think in my situation what makes it really bad is it happens when we are in the phase where we see what we want to see in the target guy. He really seems quite perfect even though he is really just a normal guy.But the perfect image is there and then all other guys pale in comparison. So we keep going to the dream.

It really is hard. I like the advise of you stopping doing all the work. But it all hurts if he really just likes you as a friend.

Good luck to you.

 

[TX-Beau]

...I wonder why so many of us put ourselves in this position. This doesn't mean that I am over it, because id be lying if I said, he still poking around my brain!...

This isn't unique to gay men. I've seen straight guys do it, women do it, they just usually go through it earlier. It's a learning experience, once you realize what you're doing to yourself, you should learn to manage your feelings better.

One of the biggest ways gay men are cheated by the society we live in is that we don't get to learn these kinds of lessons at the same time straight people do, because we don't get the opportunity to play until we are a lot older than straight people are when they start to learn this stuff.

I think that retards us socially and emotionally, and we end up doing and saying the same things straight people did years later than them.

Then you toss in the closet issues, closeted gay men fixating on the impossible as a means of avoiding dealing with the gay and taking the risks. It makes for a bad combination and exacerbates the situation.

 

[bw92116]

I have noticed that too regarding the addictive quality. If he is friendly to you, you feel happy and high the rest of the day. If he is cold, mean or ignores you, you feel sad and horrible. These are the same kind of things that happen when you're just plain "in love" but with addiction it's more powerful and harder to break off from. If you try, you go through a withdrawl period which is difficult, even with physical symptoms. But it is a relatively short period. Then somehow you readjust to living without him and without that high/low. It may not be as high as the highs you got when he was nice to you, but it's a lot more stable.

I think the only real way to break that addictive type of relationship is to have no contact with him at all for a period of time. How long varies. But you have to be separated from him in every way, no communication whatsoever, until you can break that addictive bond. It's far more important for your overall health and happiness to break that addiction than it is to "get him." You need to take a mental vacation from him for a while, even if it's painful at the beginning, by the end of the vacation you will feel much better.

The obsessive type relationship, where you can't stop thinking about him, you endlessly fantasize about seeing him again, even scripting and rehearsing potential conversations in your mind, is also difficult to overcome in your mind. It takes a lot of concentrated effort to overcome it, and sometimes trying to stop the flood of obsessive thoughts is futile - they just keep coming and coming. Rejection triggers obsession, whether it's an overt, explicit rejection by him, or a more subtle form of rejection such as not responding at all, or not responding how you expect him to respond. Any of these can trigger obsessive thoughts about him and obsessive fantasizing. People who have a pattern of obsessive relationships often have a certain "target" type that they obsess over.

Some of these books and theories go into the deeper theories about how this forms in childhood, your relationships with your parents, and so forth. Sometimes it's trapped pain deep in you that resurfaces when someone rejects you. That triggers the obsession. Sometimes crying releases some of that pain, and afterwards, you don't obsess nearly as much. It's different for everyone, but it also helps to take a "mental vacation" from him and hopefully from the obsessive thoughts. Just this afternoon I said to myself, "Man, I'm just exhausted from obsessing over him. I can't do it any more. Even if it means giving him up completely. I'm just tired of spending so much mental energy on it."

The problem with both of these is that they block out the possibility of a real, healthy relationship. So you have to get yourself out of the addictive or obsessive state however you can. And yes it means stop. Stop doing everything you were doing, to contact, communicate or initiate any interaction with him. It's hard to do, you mind will fight against it, constantly urging you to contact him again, but if you are serious about getting out of the addictive or obsessive phase, you have to.

Sometimes, if he sees you just as a friend, but you see him as more, a potential boyfriend or friend with benefits or whatever, the problem will continue as long as you see him. Sometimes it's an impossible situation and it's best to just go your separate ways. Sometimes some guys can adapt to it, and just accept it as a friendship, but I think not many can or will.

 

[refujiunderground]

don't worry. you'll get over it. i know exactly what you mean. just roll with it and if nothing happens, you might get a bit upset, sad, angry, or whatever disappointment goes along with heartbreak i guess if you want to call it that, and you'll be back to normal. crushes are fun though even though they're hard to get out of. just enjoy the moment while it's there.

 

[Ephemeral]

I'm having this same problem.

There was this guy I really liked on campus (I posted a thread about him a few months back). Things would go in cycles with him:

When I first met him, he was friendly. Kept his distance, but friendly. Then, he became more friendly, texting me when's dinner and little trivial stuff even though he had limited texting. Then all of it stopped. The texting, the conversations, everything. I asked him what was up. He said he knew I liked him and that made him uncomfortable. I denied it. Days later, things went back to the same. We were friendly when we left for the summer.

Returning back from the break, I approached him first. We had a long conversation about general topics then started up the friendship again. Two months, he was the one initiating everything: asking to hang out, go to church with him, to dinner. Our conversations got longer and deeper. For an entire month, we saw and texted each other every day, him often texting me first. He wouldn't attend an event if I wasn't going, he would ask me to cheer him on when he played sports.

Then one average day, it all stopped again, for good this time. He stopped asking about dinner and started answering my texts about it with 'maybe' and 'we'll see'. Started showing up to dinner at the cafeteria 30 min. late then an hour late with no apology. Made no mention to hang out with me whatsoever. Only texted me when he needed something for class and kept the convo short. I approached him about this and he bluntly told me he's "just being honest" and that "no one wants to be my friend anyone". He smiled and laughed throughout the entire thing. He said this before but I didn't take him seriously. Now whenever he seems me, he makes it a point to rub it in my face how we barely see each other. He recently had the audacity to make me feel pity for him b/c he was failing the class we shared. I laughed at him. I try to avoid him at all costs now and he does the same. I didn't provoke any of this either.

Looking back on whatever it is I had with him, it was truly an emotional rollercoaster. He was extremely inconsistent with his feelings. He went from being upset that I left a sporting event without saying bye to him to treating me like a stranger the very next day to treating me like his best friend the day after that. I relied on his actions to determine my happiness. It was a very stupid mistake. There were warning signs from the very beginning and I chose to ignore them.

The reason why I shared this with you is to show you what could happen if/when this guy approaches you in whatever way. Maybe it's better if he doesn't approach you, so you can avoid what I went through. Like me, having obsessively romantic thoughts about a stranger is a very unhealthy way to start off a friendship/relationship. And the "On one Tuesday, I looked to my left and totally saw him giving me googly eyes for 3 seconds!" misconception is laughable. When we like someone, our heart hijacks our brain. What we see is altered and edited to fit what our heart demands. It's a fickle, immature little beast.