Initiallyyours - Archived Blog Post

[initiallyyours]

As my first post, I may as well start off with by mentioning what just happened.

So I've been in sort of a relationship thing (but I wouldn't call ourselves boyfriends) with this 15 year old guy, who I've known for about 7 months now, for a little over a week. I had a feeling we weren't going to work out because the chemistry just wasn't there (for a romantic relationship but friendship wise, yes). I've only really been in a relationship with one other guy, which lasted 2 weeks and 5 days, and it was an online thing too. Sigh... at least I'm still friends with him (my friend now, not online dude).

For anyone actually bothering to read this, you may have questions about things, like the online guy, and I'll address them later in other posts, but I feel like I should talk about things in the present.

So another year over/a new one just begun. I think it's slightly ironic that we (mutually) ended our relationship on New Years. The thing that really bothered me about him was that we were on a break for a few days now and he told me about one night where he was drunk with his friends (something he rarely does... get drunk) and he made out with this girl for 10 minutes before pulling her pants down. Two things wrong with that:

1) Making out with a GIRL and pulling her pants down.

I know he's done things with a girl before (not having sex) and he said he was really really drunk and wasn't aware of what he was doing, but it still really bothered me, drunk or otherwise. I don't want the person I'm in a relationship with to making out with girls. I wouldn't be as bad if he made out with another guy because that would just imply again that he's gay, but again, he's done things with girls in the past and even though he says that he's gay, this incident only made me question that.

2) 10 minutes of making out was more than we ever did.

I guess that's jealousy right there, and I admit it. The kissing we ever did was this one-time event where we probably kissed for all of 20 seconds, and it was the first time I had ever kissed another boy. Most guys do something or another with other guys before they turn legal age, right? Is it then sad for me to have my first kiss at 18 with a 15 year old?

We talked a bit more, and he told me he wanted to know what the term "carpet muncher" meant. (I had previously given him a pin that sad "carpet muncher" on it, but didn't tell him what it meant). I proposed a deal: I would tell him if he no longer made out with girls. He said he could do it... until he was 18. I was instantly confused; it's not very hard to just not kiss/make out with girls. He gave me the excuse of being a teenager and believing it was what they do during the high school years, but I strongly disagree. I never, not even close, ever did anything like that, but then again, I was just the quiet gay Asian kid in the class. Maybe I'm just overreacting... but maybe I'm not.

I told him I wasn't sad or mad when we called it off, but now I'm not so sure. I don't want him back or anything, I just... wish I could win. Just once.


~~Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

Words can be pretty powerful things; they can stimulate emotions, draw memories, and change attitudes. I place a lot of importance on memories. I collect random little things about people that I find interesting and worthwhile to have around.

A few months ago, I had met this boy on a gay teen website. From the first moment I saw him picture, I knew there was something special about him. Eventually, we got into a relationship. During the few times we IM'd, I saved our conversations. They made me smile when I read them.

Here's a bit of one of them:

Him: hey babe!
Me: hey you
Me: hehe, i like it when you call me that
Him: lol
Him: hugs and kisses
Me: and right back at ya
Him: awww..thanks
Me: how's it going?
Him: good, what about with you?
Me: well, now that we're talking, i feel great
Him: wonderful
Me: my friends sorta got in an argument yesterday and i got caught in the crossfire by trying to help out
Him: im sorry...i really do hate it when that happens
Me: yeah
Me: but it's okay, i think.
Him: that's good
Me: hey, i left you a surprise
Him: u did?
Me: i wonder if you've found it yet
Him: hmmm...if it's not the comment on myspace then i haven't
Me: nooooope
Me: muahaha... i'm sure you'll figure it out
Him: ok...is it on gyc?
Me: perhaps
Him: hehe
Me: why? are you looking for it?
Him: not yet
Me: so what are you doing?
Him: i had to help my mom, but im finished now
Him: i shall go looking for your surprise
Me: hehe, if you want
Me: anything special happen in your day?
Him: yes...i just found your surprise
Me: haha
Me: what do you think of it
Me: ?
Him: i think your the sweetest guy i know, and i love you more than anything!!!!
Me: aww....
Me: i don't know what to say
Me: except that i've never felt this way about anyone my entire life
Him: its great!
Me: my surprise?
Him: you, your surprise, our friendship
Him: ...your just great
Me: nah...
Me: you're greater
Him: we aren't to discuss this again
Me: oh yeah... we decided you were the greatest
Me: or was the sweetest?
Him: whatever you want baby
Me: haha, sure
Me: i thought about us, a lot, and i realized you have so much to give me, but i don't know what i have to offer you (except maybe writing some songs), and sometimes i feel like... i'm not good enough for you
Me: is it wrong to think that?
Him: i'm not going to say that it's wrong, but your wonderful
Him: and you give me everything i need
Him: i promise...babe, your awsome!
Me: aw... thanks
Me: i guess i have to believe that
Him: yep
Me: you're the best
Him: nope..your the best
Me: what do i give you exactly?
Him: you give me love, happiness to look forward to at the end of my day, strength to make it through long days, you give me a friendship like no other i have
Me: wow... that's... pretty good
Him: no..your just awsome
Me: nuh uh
Him: yep
Me: if only you knew how much i think about you in a day, and all of your sweetness and awesomeness
Him: same to you...you are always on my mind
Him: i have msn now if you wanna try your cam again
Me: oh cool
Me: maybe later? i'm rehearsing stuff with my sister
Him: ok
Me: mmm.... tell me something random again
Him: if i could give you all the stars in the sky, and all the oceans in the world...for you, i would
Me: awwww.... that's so sweet
Him: hehe...
Me: i may not know what i'd do with all that, but anything from you would make me happy
Me: and i mean anything
Him: likewise
Him: guess what
Me: you gave birth to an elephant?
Me: you discovered a black hole?
Me: you know a guy named Fry?
Him: haha..no....
Him: i love you
Me: i love you too
Me: well, that was the next one on my list of guesses, so i was getting there
Him: lol
Me: do i really deserve someone as sweet and caring as you?
Him: the question is do i deserve u
Me: well, i asked first
Me: so there
Him: well...i don't know how to answer that question
Him: i guess that is up for you to decide
Me: hmm... i guess you're right

And just like that, it was all over. We spoke very briefly a few more times after and I haven't heard from him in quite a while, and the times that we do talk, he seems distant and his answers are usually one-worded and generic. He's become a stranger.

He always told me friendships should last a lifetime.


Words can be pretty powerful things.

I used to believe I had actually found someone worthwhile. Now I'm suspicious towards people's intentions.

I used to reminisce about those times. Now I don't like to look back on it.

I used to smile when I read those conversations. Now I cry.


~~Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

WHERE: At the New Year's Party

WHAT HAPPENED: a few minutes after midnight, he came up behind me and said in my ear, "You're very cute. Happy New Year" before leaving. I didn't get a look at his face as his back was facing me, but he was wearing a red shirt and with bandana across his forehead.

WHAT I DID: I think I said, "Thanks!" before thinking about what the hell to do next, since nothing like that had ever happened to me. I ended up dancing a bit more before looking for him later to no luck, but I'm not sure what would've happened if I actually found him. Needless to say, I was really, really, flattered (the first time I've been contemplated by another guy who isn't my friend).

THE LESSON LEARNED: Ditch your sister who is "dancing" and go talk to him, you idiot boy!

~~Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

WHERE: At the Metrotown mall

WHAT HAPPENED: I was holding the door open for my friend when this really cute guy, with a white plastic bag in his hand, told me to walk in, but I insisted that he go first. As he was about to walk, a small family strolled in through the door, and he jumped aside for them to enter. When they were in, he again offered me to walk in too, but again I inisited. He gave me a "Thanks" to which I replied,"No problem" and exited. My friend told me after that I was "flirting" with him, but I totally wasn't because I don't know how.

WHAT I DID: Basically nothing except talk briefly about him to my friend and have him linger around my head the rest of the day.

THE LESSON LEARNED: Instead of saying, "You walk first!", I should've said, "If you don't walk out the door, I'm gonna... ask you out on a date!". Or something.

~~Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

I had always wanted to write a song about what it's like to come out, and this is the song. I like to describe it as a "coming of age, coming out story" because the lyrics unfold over a passage of time.

This is one of my most important songs I've written, and although some of it isn't actually based on my own experience of coming out, I hope some people will be able to relate.

Secret Life

What do all these feelings mean?
Is it a phase, or simply just me?
And I wonder if there's a word to describe
Who I am, or what's inside.

Is there any way to explain
Why I'm the only one on this island?
Don't know who to trust, to confide in
How long will I be hiding?

Chorus:

Will you tell me to change?
Will we become estranged?
Are you ashamed of who I am?
Will you love me less?
It's the ultimate test
To confess my secret life.

So I finally admit
That I might be just a little different
It's so heavy carrying this burden
A facade I must perpetuate

Chorus

I believe in my heart and my soul this is how God created me
I believe if I don't breathe a word that no fist or slur will ever make me bleed
And I believe with no doubt that there isn't anyone I would rather be.

So now we're sitting face to face
The words I say, I say with pride and strength
Tears sliding down our cheeks
And through it all, I'm surprised to find relief

Chorus

Please don't tell me to change
I hope we don't become estranged
Don't disown me for who I am
Please don't love me less
It's the ultimate test
To confess.... my life.

 

[initiallyyours]

The problem with... teenagers and sex.

At the core of every boy's mind lies one thing that we all already know: SEX. Yes, that's right. Apparently, the average male thinks about sex every 6 seconds. I think it's true; of course, there are bound to be exceptions (ie. me) Perhaps it's because I always take an larger view on the world, or that I don't have sex on my mind like all these horny guys.

I met a guy on the a gay youth site who commented on my good-looks (something I'm not used to at all) and then we exchanged IM addresses. On MSN, he told me he was surprised I don't have a boyfriend, and even more that I hadn't had any kind of sex before. He then proceeded to say that he'd totally have sex with me if he lived in my area. I was so taken aback, I started laughing to myself, not knowing if this guy was for real or not. I had just met this guy, literally, ten minutes ago and he was already offering to have sex with me, like it meant nothing to him, based on a single photo. He mentioned something about wanting to exchange pics with me, and wanting to see "more" than just my profile picture. At this point, I was a little wigged out and extremely sketchy about this guy because this kind of thing never happens to me. I tried to have a deep conversation with him, telling him that sex wasn't something that he should give up so easily, but after he told me he sometimes has casual sex with other guys around his age/area, I kind of figured it was pointless to talk to him about this kind of issue, especially when he replied with, "Well, I have sex with you if you lived closer". Ugh... he was totally missing my point, and it was very frustrating to me.

Does the act of sex lost all kind of meaning in today's society? if this is the way the next generation is heading into, I have lost all hope.

I am distraught and angry about this incident. I can't be the only one who feels this way (well, I know at least one other person who shares my view on this issue).

And just now, I was chatting with my friend on MSN when he told me he was going on a date... with two other guys. He cleared that up by telling me that he was actually trying to set two of them up, and after that, he would ditch them. I was a little bit relieved because of what I had initally thought, but then the feeling came back again; apparently one of the two guys really (and apparently, reeaaaalllyyy) wanted to make out with the two of them. I called that guy an idiot, but then again these three guys are around 16 years old, so I guess I can understand, but I rolled my eyes infinity times at this. My friend then told me that he would be an "idiot" too, and proceeded to message me about how he wanted in on the action and how he wants to have sex (...again).

And now he just told me that a total of six people are now coming; they're all going to have some pizza and then buy tickets to a movie and all make out in the theatre. I've never, NEVER, heard of such stupidity. First of all, I'd never just make out with some guy. Second, I wouldn't pay money to go sit down in a movie theatre to mack on some people. He keeps using the excuse that he's a teenager and they do these kinds of things, but I've never done it, and I don't ever recall anyone in high school doing something as dumb. I don't want to say this, but right now, I can't believe I'm friends with a guy like him.

Okay, so I don't really want to give out all the details about my friend, but let's just say his first time was very pleasant, which is why I was surprised to read that he wanted to try it out again already. And I thought he would at least have the intelligence to maybe wait a bit to have sex again, but that's seemingly not going to happen. After it had happened, he told me he regretted it, and now I don't know if I should try and talk to him again about this or just leave him and his sex-life alone for good.

What is it with kids these days? Sure, some of them are old enough to understand sex and I suppose that hormones also play a factor in teenagers' lives, but does it always have to be about sex, or making out, or exchanging pics, etc.? I look at today's media and society: music, movies, fashion, news... and a lot of it is consumed by ridiculousness. To me, yeah, you can go out and have all the sex you want, sure, but at the end of the day, can you handle how you're going to feel? I don't know... I just feel like everything should mean something: the person you kiss should mean something. The person you embrace should mean something. The person you do it with should mean something.

Part of me wants to lecture him, and part of me wants to let him go do whatever the hell he wants with whomever he wants. I don't believe I place over-importance on sex and all that stuff, right?

Teenagers... so dumb you want to hit them repeatedly with a ping pong paddle.

~~Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

I don't have a recording of this song yet, but it's one of my favourites to play, and also one of my darkest ones musically.

I had a friend whom I met online and I thought he was just a fantastic guy; he understood weird crazy things that no one else had understood, he got my humor and he seemed to be a really good guy.

But of course, fate has a way of messing with me.

I stupidly sent him an e-mail one day and hinted at the fact that I liked him (don't worry, I knew he was gay), only to get a "I don't really like you that way" back. We still talked on MSN and stuff, but after that, he seemed to lose the charm that I had initially found in him. He seemed ordinary.

"Let Go" was his screen name on MSN, and it/he inspired me to write this song. The song can be interpreted in different ways, I have learned. Hopefully it can be one that you can understand and relate to.



Let Go
By: Aaron Chan

Everything seems to be faded
Everything seems to be fake
Everyone thinks they can handle
Life nowadays

Nothing is ever as it looks
Nothing is truly ever new
Nobody sees in the darkness
Or the constant stream of light

CHORUS

I still have yet to know
I still have yet to know
Let go
Let go

Looks like you've got me hooked
Looks like I can't swim away
Looks like you appreciate my absence
From your heart

I still have yet to know
I still have yet to know
Let go
Let go

I still have yet to know
I still have yet to know
I still have yet to know
How to let you go
How to let you go
How to let you go

 

[initiallyyours]

Dear Scott,


It's been a while, hasn't it? How have you been doing? Hope you're not too busy with school and work, and that things aren't giving you a hard time. You might be wondering why I'm suddenly sending you this e-mail. A few things have happened lately that made me reasses my thoughts and feelings about things, and I sort of feel like I should tell you.

Remember when I told you I saved our IM conversations and read them when I was feeling nostalgic. There was a day when I was feeling particularly down that I decided to open them up and read them over again. But something happened that surprised me a little bit: the conversations that once made me smile now drew tears from my eyes. Every "I've thought about you a lot" hits something in me. Every "my prince" makes my eyes well up. And then of course there's the "guess what?... i love you!" that gets me every time. And during that night, I read them, and I cried. Ironic, isn't it, when something that's supposed to make you feel better ends up doing the opposite?

It's not just the words. It's the combination of our past conversations as well as other events. I guess it really all started when we "broke up". I remember being extremely confused and upset, and not fully comprehending why you just didn't try to work things out, which lead me to only one answer: maybe you just didn't like me as much you had said. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter now. And to me, it seemed like you were taking it pretty well, even though you told me otherwise. But I think it's fairly clear that after that happened, we started to drift apart. Whether this was simply a natural thing that was the result of our breaking up or we were busy with school... it also doesn't really matter to me either. I think I always knew... that it wouldn't work. I think the questionnaire pretty much said that.

You always used to tell me friendships should last a lifetime and not just a few months. In fact, you said you "would never let our friendship go", and I suppose technically you've kept that; we're technically still friends. We just haven't talked in quite a long time. The rare times that I do talk to you though, I find you to be very closed and your answers to be generic, as if you might be talking to someone you don't quite trust, and I'm not that kind of person. Maybe you're just tired; maybe you don't feel like conversing with me; maybe... whatever. Again, I'm not looking for reasons here. What's clear is that something has changed, and it makes me sad, I guess, to see the boy that I once loved acting different. Like a stranger.

The night I cried while reading our conversations... I cried because of how strong the words were. I cried because I know you'll never say those words to me ever again. I cried because you said we'd always be friends, and it doesn't feel like it anymore. I cried because all my life, I've always lost friends, and I don't want to lose any more. Always. I just don't want to lose. Not you, not anybody else. But it looks like fate wants to make me feel like shit.

I'm not entirely sure what I want out of this e-mail. A part of me wants to just offcially end our friendship so that I'm not telling myself we're still friends when we barely talk at all, a part of me wants our friendship to go back to the way it was, but that part knows that the chances of that happening are slim. Probably the biggest reason I am typing this e-mail/letter out to you is to make me feel a little better for not saying the things I've wanted to say for a while. I remember randomly thinking about you on New Years, wondering where you had gone to. I went on myspace, discovered that you were no longer my friend, eventually found your profile, and saw that you were feeling "estatic".

I know you can live without me. I know you can live without me in your life. And I know you can be happy without me in your life. You don't need me on myspace, you don't need me on Yahoo. You can live without me. And that's good. That's good for you.

So I guess this just about rounds it out. I don't really expect a reply at all, but if you feel like you have something to say about any of this, then go right ahead. If you have an idea about where we go from here, that's good too. Even if we don't remain friends, you know you'll always be with me, whether it be in my songs, scripts, or simply in my heart.

You'll always be the first boy I loved... and who (surprisingly) loved me back. And in case I don't hear from you again... goodbye.


Love always, your friend,

Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

What's a referral?

How did I somehow get one?

What does it mean?

What do I do with it?

What can I do with it?

Who gave it to me?

Who am I being referred to?

Am I now God?

How come no one will reply to any of these questions?

 

[initiallyyours]

I starting writing songs back when I was 15 years old, but they were all really, really crappy things that I will never look at again. It was only when I got through high school that my true musical nature began to take hold and I wrote the songs I write today.

"Empty" was the first song I wrote when I was 17. It took many re-writes both in the music and the lyrics, and has become one of my favourites as well as other people's, and for that reason, I've become extremely proud of this song.





Empty
By: Aaron Chan


I lie to make myself feel better
But even after, I'm still dead
Something inside yearns for more
More than this, more than this

And though I've not fully understood it
My mind plays tricks on me
Telling me that there's more to life
Than the world that I see

CHORUS

Empty
Empty
After all is said and done
I still feel empty

I've fallen so many times it's hard to think twice
To the point where my misery becomes my bliss
And everything they say is a way to die
and everything else is always a lie

And though I've not fully understood it
My mind plays tricks on me
Telling me that there's more to life
Than this world that I see

CHORUS x2

I don't wanna feel
I don't wanna feel
I don't wanna feel anymore
I don't wanna feel
I don't wanna feel
I don't want to, I don't want to feel... anymore

I lie to make myself feel better
But even after, I'm still...

 

[initiallyyours]

Bad spellers. I absolutely can't stand them. It pisses me off soooooooooo much when everytime I see a "your stupid". I swear, I start seeing red.

Why does it piss me off so much? A lot of teenagers spell words incorrectly, so for an adult to be spelling at such a level makes me think you're just an uneducated idiot. And if that's not the case, then I'll probably just think you're and idiot.

I recently found this sentence in a post on myspace:

Rumor has is that Myspace is loosing steam quickly to Facebook and YouTube.

That's one of the other mistakes that makes me angry.

Loose: to be free constraints

Lose: verb form of the verb to lose, meaning to misplace (among other definitions)


So how exactly does something "loose" something? Is it referring to Nelly Furtado's album where she skanked herself up to sell more records?

And yes, an adult wrote that. It's not that hard to know the difference, people. One 'O' makes the difference.

I guess that's what we get, though. With all the MSN, Facebook (oh god), Myspace, Youtube, and whatever else we have, the English language can only be degraded by such morons in this world.

Sigh... at least I have the end of the world to look forward to in only four years.


~~Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

WHERE: Army and Navy.

WHAT HAPPENED: Well, this wasn't recent, but Army and Navy is near my school, and I had gone in there a few times after school and saw this cute Asian guy working in the men's department. The times I needed to try on clothes he was right there, unlocking the doors (good service!). I wanted to talk to him, but 1) I didn't know what to say, and 2) I simply can't strike up conversations with people like that.

WHAT I DID: For whatever reason, I was thinking about him lately and I went in today and didn't find him there. But I'm going to go tomorrow and see if he's there and maybe then I'll be smart enough to talk to him.

THE LESSON LEARNED: Don't be a douche and not talk to cute Asian guys because this one seemed nice. Sigh...

If anything happens, I'll update.


~~Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

Those of you who are wondering about the last entry concerning the cute Asian guy at the Army and Navy, well...

I didn't find him there. That or I just didn't recognize him and wandered around the baking aisle for too many minutes trying to rack my brain and see if I knew it that was him. Anyway, I didn't talk to the guy who I thought might've been him, and I seriously question whether or not I would've if I did find him.

Onto a happier note...

I met this guy on a gay-meeting site... I don't want to say gay-dating site because you can choose to look for different things. (ie. friendships, chatting, etc.) We talked on MSN a few times before we met up near my school a couple days later. And it wasn't awkward at all. I felt so at ease with him, unlike other guys I had previously met up with (*cough* 15 year old *cough*) We talked a lot and he showed me his favourite place in Vancouver: Coal Harbour, which I hadn't been to. I dunno, it just felt so... natural.

Then, he invited me to go see an opera that he was in the orchestra for (he's the assitant conductor, but played the percussion). After, we had some food, talked some more, and then went to the beach. Did I mention this was at night? I hadn't been to the beach at night, but it's really cool. Cold, but cool. Because I didn't wear warm enough clothing (it's what I sacrifice for trying to look good, haha), I was slightly shivering and he put his hand around me, which I thought was a nice gesture. Finally, he drove me home, and walked me up to my house. I hugged him, and we stayed like that for a while. It was nice.

We have a lot of things in common:

1. He's Chinese.

We have so much to relate upon, it's crazy. I've personally never really been friends with guys in general, and the few that I have been friends with I've either lost contact with or I'm not really that close to. But he shares a lot of the same experiences that I do, like having a homophobic, worrysome, and suspicious mom (well, my mom's not that homophobic, and I'd like to think a little less, thanks to my coming out), going through the dinosaur phase (yes, lame, I know), and other stuff that I can't remember off the top of my head. The fact that I now know another queer (he's bi) Chinese guy is so new to me. I can't believe it.

2. He's into classical music and plays piano.

I've been taking piano lessons since I was around 4 or 5, and classical music's been a part of my musical influence for a long time. Only two of my friends actually took piano lessons, and classical music has never been part of our conversations or anything (not that i wanted it to, but just when I'm playing a really hard song, they don't necessarily know how hard it is or who the composer was) But with Kem, he understands. He knows classical music, probably more than I do (since I only studied it. I don't really listen to it in my free time). We spent a little time talking about music and which composers we like/dislike. It was kinda cool. And his favourite songs are sad, classical songs, which says a lot about him.

3. We have so much in common.

It's ridiculous, really. I remember watching this video on youtube about Asian-Australians and their lives in a developed country (i wanted to say Western, but they're not really Western) and one of the Asians that they interviewed said that when he dated another fellow Asian guy, it was "really familiar". I guess I had to believe what he said. It definitely made sense. But when I met Kem, it was so refreshing to know someone who shares so many interests. There's the piano/classical music, the little somewhat romantic things (I won't say what, for now...), our experiences... he's someone I can totally relate to, and he's told me that he can relate to me. I think out of my entire group of friends, he's more like me than any of them.

4. He has an awesome personality.

On one hand, he can be pretty confident, and since I've only had three days to hang out with him so far, it's easy to see that. On the other, he's shy, and I love that, because at times, I can be as well. He may be closeted to his family, but it's something I can handle. He told me his favourite place in Vancouver is Coal Harbour, and I think that's a hint at his romanticism. Oh! And he wants to listen to what I say, which is also really refreshing because when I'm telling my friends a story, they always interrupt me. I never do that. I used to, but then I realized that if it's not listening if you're talking in between. So I never talk when people are telling a story. (I honestly think I'll be the best listener you'll ever meet.) And he listens very well.

But...

Even with all these awesome and great qualities, I'm a little hesitant to get into a relationship with him. It's not him, really, it's me (where have I heard that before?) I suppose I've always thought that the guy that I spend the rest of my life with (should that ever happen) would make me feel... different?

I had the biggest crush on this guy during high school. I really, really, really liked him, and I thought he was great, but I never really talked to him. When I saw him, I felt different. Everything seemed to become... warm? (that could be translated differently...) I don't know, I'd get excited to see him. One time I was at the mall and my heart rate started going up when I saw this guy that looked like him, but wasn't. And since then, no boy I've met has made me feel that way. Maybe it's because I've been jaded. Maybe it's because of my past failed "relationships" and how I've just numbed myself. I don't know... is it wrong to be trying to find a guy that would give me that similar feeling again? At this point, Kem doesn't give me that feeling, but then again, I've only known him for less than two weeks. I do know that I really do like him, and he's definitely a friend... maybe I just need to take things slowly, to give myself time to fall for him, should that happen.

...which ties in with my next point. I can tell he really likes me right now. I'm worried because I can see myself not being in love with him while he's all happy and cheery, and I don't want that to happen because he deserves better than that. Again, I think I'm thinking about the situation too much. Sigh...

I realize this is very long now, but I can't help it. I'm a writer. And I'm not sure how many people will actually read this, but I just needed to say it.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what'll happen to us.


~~Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

Two nights ago, I had a dream (among many).

I was in high school, in a classroom, sitting with some people. This guy who I've known since kindergarten said the word "fag". I stood up and said, "What did you say?" He said the word again, and I started to get really pissed at him, being a sort-of-friend and all. I walked even closer and repeated my question, and he stood up as well, and said "fagita" or something like that (NOTE: adding "ita" to a word means "little" in Spanish. So manzanita means "little apple", and in this case, somehow means "little fag".)

So we were pretty much standing face to face, glaring at each other. I knew he knew. Although I was out in high school, he didn't know, I suppose, because I never told him (it just never came up and we didn't talk to each other often or anything).

And I think later in the dream, I was walking down the hallway and he was shouting some more names at me.

I want to believe that he wouldn't be that kind of person who would say such awful things, but I don't know, and now, I want to know. The quest is on!


~~Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

I thought maybe he was the one. Whether or not I was delusional has yet to be determined. He seemed like a character straight out of a teen novel--you know, the cute, quirky, uniquely humorous kind of guy that ends up with either the rebellious girl (like in Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist) or the other whimsical gay guy (like in Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List).

He understood what I meant by "the taste of Halloween", something orindary people would just stare at me if I ever made such a comment.

But he didn't.

Instead, he told me he knew exactly what I meant. I knew I could count on him to get my weirdness when no one else could, and I would also be able to understand the pure randomness and coolness of what he said.

Until he told me something that threw my entire perception of who he was out past the broken window.

It was something about how he was going to meet someone the next day... to "experiment".

If this was a gay novel I was in, this would be the part where the story takes a different turn and ultimately goes and follows his experiences and see how that makes him a person. Unfortunately, that's not how I saw it.

This vision of a person that I thought he was suddenly broke. I no longer felt like I knew him, and even though we would still chat online, I could only picture him as a guy that went and fooled around with other guys. Sure, he's probably still the quirky and random guy I know but I don't know whether to trust him or not.

In retrospect, it was always me that asked the questions:

"How are you?"
"What colour are you feeling like today?"
"How did your 'date' go?"


And he would answer. But he wouldn't ask me.

Maybe that's just who he is; a non-asker. But in my mind, I think he didn't think I was as interesting as he was. Whatever the case, we haven't talked in what feels like an eternity. Last I heard, he had found a guy (one he met on the Internet) and is now in somewhere Eastern Canada until September.

I remember when my heart used to beat quickly when a certain boy would walk past. It's only happened all of three times (all three guys of which are white... does that mean something?):


1. the trouble-making but different boy, Sean

2. Jordan, the guy who I had classes with and seemingly did everything better than me but was also shy like me

3. And Liam, the boy who I thought understood me, but I didn't understand him. Despite only seen him once, the proximity was close enough to make me feel something for him.


And now, for some reason, I'm suddenly thinking about him. It's not that I miss him (I probably do--the funny, somewhat innocent version anyway) but that my perspective of the world that people like him exist... is now construed and altered. I don't know what to think anymore.


After reading a good novel, I begin to think of life as one. Every step and image I see translates in my head as words on a page.

And so he walks, the buckets of filtered rain pouring above the cold, lonely city. There is an old woman walking in front of him. He tries to maneouver himself around but with the other pedestrians, it's just not possible.

There is an opening. He takes it, despite shoving the lady. They both continue on without a word.

Later, he is thinking about him, staring mindlessly off at his own reflection as the subway train rolls on.

Did I screw things up? he asks himself. Why do all the bad things happen to me?

Why can't I have my prince? The train rattles on, with new strangers getting on, shoving their backpacks into him like they're filled with air instead of heavy textbooks.

Has his horse broken down or something? I'll gladly pay for it.

Aren't we all looking for princes?

 

[initiallyyours]

FADE IN:

INT. AARON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

A song like "L'absente" by Yann Tiersen plays. AARON (19), somewhat tall, skinny to the point where you could probably guess he doesn't eat fast food too often, wearing a simple t-shirt and old high school gym shorts.

He sits at his desk, cluttered with old workshop papers and random other things. He types away at the laptop in front of him.

As the music intensifies, he types faster and faster, as if keeping in time with the music.


ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN

Do I really mean it? What's my next move?

I'm sorry.


AARON'S BEDROOM

Aaron stops typing. The song is over, much too soon for him to have written anything substantial. He searches on youtube for another melancholic song to replace the masterpiece just played, but only finds one of Tiersen's many accordion-driven ditties. It's not the right mood, but he doesn't care.

He goes and lies down on his bed, staring at the shadowed, smooth ceiling. Anyone can tell he is thinking about him, the one he's been with for the last soon to be 4 months--the longest anyone has thought of staying with him.

And here he is, contemplating whether or not to call it quits and break the poor boy's heart.

Perhaps composing a song for the boy would suffice in softening the blow, in silencing the bullet, in lessening the pain. One can only hope.

AARON (V.O.)
If I've made him cry for not telling him what's on my mind, how do you think he'll feel when he finds out he's been dumped?​

A beat.

AARON (V.O)
There's something really fucked up about you. You complain about not being in some kind of relationship, and when you're in one, you're not sure about him. Maybe it's time you should be less picky. After all, he does like you... a lot. Why he does you may not know, but you have to admit that he does deserve better.
(sighs)
Even though you get jealous when picturing him with someone else--especially a girl--you will eventually have to come to the realization that he may very well find someone else. Someone who loves him... more than you could ever.
​

Aaron shifts onto his side and stares at one of the walls.

AARON
You talk to yourself. Of course you're fucked up.
​

FADE OUT​

 

[initiallyyours]

It was less than a week ago that I told my then boyfriend I thought we should just be friends.

It was less than a week ago that I found out from him that if he were to stay in the city, he'd never come out.

It was less than a week ago that I realized I'd been making my way back into the closet because of our relationship.

It was less than a week ago that I let go of the first real relationship I've ever had.

It was a few days ago that I realized I missed holding him, and despite the fact that we never did it in public, being affectionate with him.

It was a few days ago that I played a song on the piano while thinking about him and finally cried.

It was a few days ago that upon talking to a friend, realized I may never find anyone else who shares so many things in common with me again... and also happens to be gay.

It was today that I found he has been active on the gay-dating site we met on.

It was today that I pictured him with another guy, having fun, and got jealous over that image.

It was just now that even though our breakup was probably inevitable, I spent four months really liking this guy.

It is this minute that I realize I want him back, but I don't want his situation.

So I'm left with merely wanting.

 

[initiallyyours]

It all started on Myspace.

The time was about 4:40 or so. I had just posted a bulletin to my friends telling them about the new video I had I posted in my blog. After I was done with that, I noticed someone had posted a bulletin before mine titled "I'm sorry everyone, but it's my time to go out of this world."

Already that seemed ominous. Curious, I clicked on it.

Let me explain about myspace friends: they're not actually friends, which by now, everyone should know. This guy in particular, I met on the Vanessa Carlton Nessaholics forum (a forum for fans). We messaged each other a few times on myspace but I didn't really get to know him very well.

But I still found it extremely shocking when he talked about how he had just taken an overdose of tranquilizng pills to kill himself in the bulletin. The rest of the message was full of "'I love'"'s to several people in his life.

I looked at my clock. According to myspace, he had posted just twenty minutes before me, and if what he said in the bulletin was true and he had JUST taken the pills, there could still very well be time to save him.

Only he lives in South Carolina while I'm in Vancouver. In another country.

Naturally, I freakout and panic. For a good, oh, ten, maybe twenty minutes or so, then calm myself down to try and do something about the situation. "I can't be the only one who's seen this," I think (aloud) to myself.

"Can I?"

What am I supposed to do? I've never been put in this situation before. It's not like I've been trained to face this kind of scenario.

I quickly scan his list of myspace friends. One is online. Maybe she can help me.

Her profile is set to private, and the only way I add her is to get her e-mail address... which of course I don't have. And all his other friends are offline.

Okay. Friends are a bust. So I furiously type a message to send to the myspace team, hoping they at least have the slightest hint of what to do. I expect to get a reply right away, then as minutes go by, I realize they must piles of e-mails talking about cyberbullying.

What to do now? How about phoning someone? Well, I can't phone him. I don't even know his friggin' last name. But in his message, he had written out the full names of five people. Surely, one of them must have a number somewhere.

I go to some whitepages directory online and type in all the names. Only one registers, and apparently she's around 60 years old. I pick up the phone, and make the call... except no one's home.

What to do now? I decide I need someone's, anyone's, help on the matter, so naturally, I ask the most intelligent and thoughtful people: you guys! I whip up what happened and include his message along with it and before long, hit the "submit" button.

A few tense minutes later, I find the thread gone. A moderator sends me a private message telling me they don't allow full names of people unassociated with JUB, which I completely understand. He also advises me to call the police and have them contact the South Carolina police and have them find the guy.

I run for the phone and am about to dial 911 when... I'm hesitant. What am I supposed to say? I've never talked to the police before. After a few seconds (maybe minutes) of feeling scared, I do it.

A guy answers. I briefly tell him the story (only the myspace friend and the killing himself part, not the failure of trying to contact people), and he tells me he's going to transfer me over to the real police (I'm guessing he screens calls for pranks or small emergencies).

I'm now talking to a woman. She talks softly, so I'm forced to really shove the phone into my ear. I tell her the story. After everything, she says to me, "There's nothing we can do."

What?!?!?!

That's it for part one.

 

[initiallyyours]

It's funny and weird how things can change suddenly.

I got an e-mail from one of my instructors with job listings which she usually forwards. So I took a look at it and came across an internship thingy in Los Angeles for some film/music public relations thing (I can't really say much because the listing didn't say much to begin with. There was something about "Please be an organized self-starter." Ehhh?). I sent them a cover letter and a resume and didn't think anything would really happen. I just didn't take it that seriously.

A few hours later, I'm at YouthCO, finishing up the second film when I get this out of town number. I answer it and of course, it's the people that I sent my stuff to. They wanted to schedule me for an interview next week on Tuesday, which I was kinda, "What?!" and really surprised at, but I scheduled it because I'm not really good with surprises like that. And now I'm looking at plane tickets and trying to find a place to stay.

Sigh... I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I don't know if I should go, or how long this internship might be or even if I'm going to get the friggin thing. Everything's changed all of a sudden, and it's kinda terrifying to think I'm going to be on my own for a bit. Not sure what to do or what this means for my Vancouver life. I should tell my mom.

The thought of leaving Vancouver behind is just... I didn't expect to leave so soon. I have no idea if this is even the right move for me. What if I hate it? I guess I could always come back. Los Angeles seems a bit sketchy to me, what with all the pollution and the gangs but also the whole Hollywood scene.

Should I even go? I still have priorities here that I'd like to finish up (my film, this other student project, teaching piano). Would it be bad if I backed out? Gah. I have no idea what to do.


~~Aaron

 

[initiallyyours]

It's been almost 3 months since I broke up with my closeted boyfriend (who is still closeted). Despite the fact that I'm pretty jaded, I did somehow find myself fantasizing this scene. It was only a few days ago that I took the time to sit down on a chair at Sears (was shopping) and write all this down in one sitting.

It's about him, my ex, but he likely won't see it. He told me there was no way we could have a real life together because of his closet issues. Somehow, I thought of this.

It's a bit long, but enjoy if possible.

Fantasia in D Major​

I unlock the front door and upon hearing the faint sound of the kitchen tap on, I realize: I’m home. Tie loosened, shirt untucked and shoes kicked off, I make my way to the source. The sound of running water crescendos as I step onto the wooden floor.

“Honey, I’m home!” I call out sarcastically.

No response. I know you’re smiling, wherever you are.

Enter the kitchen. Table top seemingly perpetually clean, the dishes in the dish rack, tanning themselves from the sunlight coming in through the window. And a little ways away from the sink is you, washing the dishes.

You’re wearing that obviously pink Polo Shirt (just admit it’s pink!) that also look even more adorable than you already are; the slowly fading jeans that fit you oh-so-snuggly and of course socks, despite the fact that you’re in your own home.

There you are, in all your glory. Even with your back to me and pretending you can’t hear me, I know better.

I slyly take a few towards you. I know you can feel me coming near you; I know you can hear me – your acute ears prick up ever so slightly; I know you can probably smell me – that fragrance/cologne you like, but only on me.

“Hello? I think I said—“ with each inch, I long more and more to hold you.

First contact: my hands on your waist, then slowly moving them across your front until they rejoin once again. I lean into you, pressing myself against your warm backside. I put my mouth to your ear.

“—honey. I’m home,” I whisper.

The muscles on your face move. You’re smiling.

“It is so rude to not respond, you know,” I add.

Your hands are in the sink, picking up another soaped plate.

“A little busy here.”

I put my chin on your shoulder and pout. You glance over.

“Welcome home, babe.”

Exactly what I wanted to hear. It’s my turn to smile.

As hard as it is, I break out of our embrace and stand next to you. My hand grazes yours as I take the soapy dish from yours. The same electrical feeling runs through me, just like the first time we held hands.

“How was today?”

You sigh. Alright. Time to unload.

“I’m teaching high school students. Need I say more?”

“Hmm. Touché.”

“There’s this one kid who can’t seem to play an E flat major scale. No matter how many times I go over it with him, he always misses the A flat!”

You sigh, hard. It’s just one of those small issues you always get so wound up over.

“I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: it’s not your fault. Some people just take longer to learn things. You know you’re a great teacher.”

As you pass me a bowl, I take it with my right hand and catch your hand with my left just as you’re about to get another one. I squeeze your hand in mind and look over at you. You’re staring down at the sink before meeting my glance. A look is all it takes to comfort you. You give me a satisfied look before going back to the dishes.

“So how was your day?”

My turn to sigh.

"I’m a musician, trying to finish my demo. Need I say more?”

You smile. It’s so easy to make you smile.

“When do I finally get to hear it?”

“Few weeks. If you’re good, then you might just get
yourself a sneak peek.”

I give you that smile, the one you think is “devilish” (as if I
could ever be devilish) and take the last of the utensils from you.

I turn my gaze to the sink. Out of the corner of my eye, I see you give me a look of your own.

“I really don’t know how you go so corrupt.”

I turn off the tape and place the forks and spoons in the
dishrack and dry my hands with a nearby towel.

I keep telling you – if I’m ‘corrupt’ as you keep saying, I got it from you. So you really only have yourself to blame.”

With that, I give you a playful poke, aiming for that magical spot on your side that makes you flinch. You don’t really flinch but move away from me quickly.

“Hey!”

You poke me back, and I flinch. Soon, hands and finger are flying and attacking one another. As usually, I have the upper hand, being taller (and possibly stronger as well). I wrap my arms around you from behind as you squirm in my hold.

“Looks Like I win… yet again!”

You laugh.

“Never! You cheated!”

With one hand I scoop your legs off the floor while my other cradles your neck. I have you in my arms.

“And you know what they say. You gotta fight for what you want.”

If this were a Hollywood rom-com (that’s romantic comedy, by the way) this moment would be so cliché, I would pull out my barf bag and hurl.

But somehow, this doesn’t feel corny. Not when it’s with you.

I lean down and we kiss. Nothing too raunchy, no need to go too in depth. Just a kiss between you and me. Love.

We part. You give me that smile that makes me feel warm. Hell, it would probably make anyone with a heart feel warm. Still holding you in my arms, I walk us both out of the kitchen and turn the corner into another room.