insecure about partner's charm.

[jhonyguy04]

hi, i feel bad for writing this, because it shouldnt be a competition, but me and my partner are around the same age. the problem is that my partner is always stating how everybody loves him and how everyone wants to be with him. its fine to have self confidence, but he is always saying this like almost on a daily basis.

and i think for the most part, he is right. he is a very good looking guy, and i know he could probably be a model if he lost weight. and he also can make friends really easily, and i know most ppl love him. its just that hes always telling me that, and me being more of an introverted makes me feel insecure. i mean, i could make friends, but i dont make friends with everyone. and sure iam decent looking, and i could pick up a few dates if i were single, but i know that not everyone i meet wants me. it seems to be the case with my bf. well all his gf he makes tells him hes so cute and hot. some of my gf's have told me i look cute, but not everytime i encounter them, like i see with him and his gf's.

again, i feel bad cause i feel like iam being envious or something, but i just feel insecure i guess. and sometimes i feel like he just likes to say it everyday. like i sometimes tell him he is so beautiful, and he tells me "i know". or were like at the mall, and hes like" omg everyone is looking at me". iam sure a lot of ppl look at him, but do you have to say it so much? it makes me think why hes with me?

and this was in the past, but he said he was sorry for saying this things, and he would not say it again, but he would say things like,

" you know, the only reason he likes you is because your going to be a doctor"

"if you break up with me, you gotta watch out cause they are going to wanna be with you because your going to be a doctor"

" many people want to be with me, and spend their money on me"

but he has also said nice things to me like, your cute, your beautiful or you wouldnt be single for long.

maybe i should put away my insecurties?? i dunno, i feel guilty.

 

[Seasoned]

The best thing couples can do is talk to one another. When you bring this up with him phrase it something like this. "I feel ____ when you tell me how good looking you are."

That's the healthy way to do it. Here are my other suggestions.

"You're beginning to sound like Snow White's stepmother, you big queen."

They're all staring because your fly is open.
because your socks don't match.
because of that outfit.
because you need a haircut.
because they can't believe you were able to nab me.

"If you become famous you can be the president of your own fan club."

 

[Deandbn]

Sounds to me like your BF has a real insecurity problem. He puts you down so he can feel better about himself.

 

[Telstra]

People who look good don't say they look good (often) unless they have issues.

 

[Rolyo85]

False. Many of them do. There are two types that would do that - the ones who are TERRIBLY narcisistic, and usually very superficial, and the ones who have grown up being ugly and then bloomed into their good looks one way or the other. Those are very insecure and need constant reassurance that they look good.

That said, your bf sounds like something of a dick. You have to either learn to not let it get to you (which is not that hard, I mean - unless you think you're ugly it doesn't matter who is better looking), or... uh... dump him, cause it isn't healthy for your self-esteem being with someone like that.

On the plus side, option two will be a good wake-up call for him. People who talk like that aren't used to being dumped.

 

[hotatlboi]

Sounds to me like your BF has a real insecurity problem. He puts you down so he can feel better about himself.

I think both people here might.

It does seem odd that his bf would need to be saying things like that a lot, but it sounds to me like the OP also is insecure and feels that maybe his bf is "too hot" for him, and perhaps he secretly fears losing him to someone else because he feels that he is out of his league or something.

 

[MascutarHero]

I honestly don't blame you for feeling that way, but to be honest he sounds like a jerk!! Don't compare to him, look at the bright side, you're with him right? If he's making you feel so insecure and being a jerk maybe you should go on a hunt for a guy that wouldn't be so coincided and tell your recent bf to be loved by someone else like he said he is.

 

[jhonyguy04]

well its just werid, cause if he was so hot, then why wouldnt he get with someone hotter than me?? anyways, i have come to a point where he either threats me better or bye. i just have no more tolerance at this point.

we went through a lot lately, and i told him this ultimatum. so far, for the most part, he has been a prince with me. he actually isnt an asshole. but well see how it goes. iam always on the look out cause i feel like i gave so much into the relationship, and he kinda of took advantage. i dont know, sometimes i have little faith in the whole marriage and love after this.

 

[glasvegas]

False. Many of them do. There are two types that would do that - the ones who are TERRIBLY narcisistic, and usually very superficial, and the ones who have grown up being ugly and then bloomed into their good looks one way or the other. Those are very insecure and need constant reassurance that they look good. .

This. I am the one who grown up ugly and then bloomed into ...well.. kinda good looks and I consider myself insecure because I do need constant reassurance.

Your boyfriend is dealing a kind of insecurities, try to talk to him about this. Like "I don't like you saying this all over again, it makes me feel bad about myself" etc. He'll understand.

 

[HunterM]

A relationship without trust AND respect is not going to last. His constant self-reaffirming how charming he is in front of you shows he has no respect for your feelings. When he said that other people would want to be with you because you're going to be a doctor, and not because of your other qualities, does not appear he appreciates or notices your other qualities.

 

[chance1]

^ he does indeed

douchy

 

[shainski]

Even if you accept that he blossomed into his good looks and is dealing with his past insecurities, that only explains why he is enamored with himself.

The other part of the equation is just as troubling. That he has to put down other people (You) is a sign of a deep insecurity. A secure person is able to compliment others because it elevates both the one complimented and the one who bestows the compliment.

But to say

"you know, the only reason he likes you is because your going to be a doctor"

is downright rude.

This statement is fine (and maybe even true):

"if you break up with me, you gotta watch out cause they are going to wanna be with you because your going to be a doctor"

It is true that you would want to know that someone wants you for some small aspect of who you are. But, I suppose, the retort would be the same to him:

"if you break up with me, you gotta watch out cause they are going to wanna be with you because your LOOKS"

That's not the same as saying - "Nobody would want you for any other reason except for your looks".

But i wouldn't try to outwit him. If you care enough about him to be with him, i would ask him outright (And i would say this in a very caring way)

"You are good looking. You're quite a catch. But to hear you say it, somehow demeans it. If you really are that special, everyone else already knows it - you don't have to say it."

 

[TX-Beau]

Things don't pop out of people's mouths from outer space. if he says it, it's on his mind.

If someone said repeatedly that someone would only be with me for X. I'd seriously start suspecting HE was only with me for X.

If he was denigrating me like that consistently. I'd think HE was afraid I'd leave and was trying to manipulate me. Which by the way is a classic symptom of an abusive personality disorder. Those guys tear you down in order to control you. Is that him? I don't know, but it is a red flag.

So basically he's perpetually telling you he's such a great catch and you aren't and have only one reason anyone would want you. Hmmmmmmmm.

Abusive guys can all play Prince Charming when they need to, it's the other side of the coin.

We of course don't know him, but I'd probably be backing off if it were me.

How long have you been dating? How serious are you? How old are you?

 

[jhonyguy04]

oh god, thinking about things he has done in the past kinda of smokes me up and makes me mad, lol. iam 25 and hes 24. i just have put up so much shit with him, i dont know what the hell i was thinking.

right now iam with him, and he is alright, but i pretty much had to shape him into not being a douche. lol.

like for example, he has health conditions and iam always taking care of him, trying to make him take his medications. i would be like dont forget your meds, and he would be like

"dont worry about it, its my business" and be rude about it.

also when i got sick, he would not give two shits about me, and just let me be to my own demise. i guess he has gotten better, but i dont know. could it be because he was immature? we met when he was 21 and i was 22.

i swear to god, if he starts being an asshole again, ill run away, i dont know where, but away from him!!!

 

[HunterM]

Yes, he is immature...or maybe because it's the side effect of his meds? *shrug*