Insecurities after 1st date

[metalcavy87]

Hey guys, been lurking for a while but never posted before. So 'ello.


Anyhow, I need some advice on this. I'm not really new to gay dating; I've gone out with a few guys before, but I've never had a situation like this. I'm 20 yrs. old and I go to a big public university in the South; suffice to say, meeting guys around here is something of a mixed bag. All that aside, I did manage to meet a guy that I really like. To the point of being painfully infatuated. And it's killing me, and what's more, it's killing me that it's killing me - I know this infatuation is totally unwarranted and completely irrational. But help me figure this out.

He's gay too, and the coolest guy I have ever met from a website. We didn't chat too much online before going out; he gave me his phone #, I called him up, and we met up at a bar. We talked for about 2 hours, and I felt we really hit it off. We had lots of eye contact, we were both laughing a ton, and we talked for about 2 hours. It was a good time. I asked him if he was up to going out again, he said yeah and told me he was free all weekend. I gave him a tentative date of next Saturday (coming up). We were talking about going to a movie. I didn't fuck him or do anything with him so it wasn't really awkward or anything...

I sent him a txt message after he dropped me off telling him I had a good time and that I definitely wanted to hang out again; he responded a minute or two later saying he had had a good time too and that he thought I was really cute. I went to bed a happy guy, thinking yeah... maybe I'm finally onto something.

I sent him a txt the day after we met up (Wednesday) and asked him what kinda thing he was looking for, like a relationship or a hookup or whatever. I didn't get any response, and I was obsessed with the thought that he was rejecting me (even though I know that's completely irrational). So I eventually just let that go and moved on. I called him today (Thurs.) to solidify the details of our date on Saturday; no answer, left a message on his machine. If he doesn't call back I'm just gonna wait until the day we discussed to call him again... I guess if he doesn't respond then I'll have my fear confirmed, and I'm just gonna move on, as sad as I might be.

Basically, I need someone to slap me around and tell me I'm overreacting to this in the worst way. Unless I'm missing something and you guys can pick out that he's just not interested... which would confirm a big fear of mine, but would be better than wallowing in infatuation; I have no reason to think he's not interested besides a txt message he never answered (from yesterday) and a phone message I left today. It's probably in my head.

But I dunno. I need to stop this before I come off as obsessive and weird. In all honesty I feel a good deal better after writing this. But seriously, if I'm overreacting to this, slap me around a little bit. It would do me good.

Thanks.

 

[RAvenew]

First Post too,
My story is a little different, but I know where you are coming from, and the sad thing is I am totally impatient and I cannot wait. So when I text a guy and he did not respond, I think of the worst. I think I do this because I am mentally afraid this is the last time I will find someone. Its funny mostly because then I think he is playing head games and it just gets crazy. I try to have patience now and not go too fast into anything. Anyways, wait for him to do something, it seems he is interested in you.

 

[BigDan]

So you tried to contact him on Tues, Weds and Thurs - and the day after you first met floated the idea of a serious relationship?!

Relax! Play! Enjoy! Don't take life too seriously - sounds like this guy wants to play it cool rather than be bombarded about his "future plans" within 12 hours of meeting you.

 

[VICTORIADON]

Hi there to the new posters! Welcome to JUB, keep on posting, we are all friends here.

On this topic I agree with BigDan

 

[SilverRRCloud]

So you tried to contact him on Tues, Weds and Thurs - and the day after you first met floated the idea of a serious relationship?!

Relax! Play! Enjoy! Don't take life too seriously - sounds like this guy wants to play it cool rather than be bombarded about his "future plans" within 12 hours of meeting you.

Dude, I'd love 2 be totally wrong for your sake. However, you must have scared the dude off completely, I am afraid.

Lean back and lighten up. One thing at a time and no sign of desperation, no matter, how badly you may need it...

Just my 2 cents...

SC

 

[metalcavy87]

So you tried to contact him on Tues, Weds and Thurs - and the day after you first met floated the idea of a serious relationship?!

Relax! Play! Enjoy! Don't take life too seriously - sounds like this guy wants to play it cool rather than be bombarded about his "future plans" within 12 hours of meeting you.

Not really... Tuesday was the day we first met up. I called him Thurs and sent a text message Wednesday. I didn't float the idea of a relationship... I just asked him what he was looking for these days in that regards. To me, that doesn't seem like it's pushing the issue... seems like a valid question, and one I've been asked before in that timeperiod... just an existential question.. but I guess it could misinterpreted as above...

You're right though, I should probably just chill out. I have other shit coming up so I'm just going to drop this for a couple of days. Maybe a little radio silence is a good idea.

But let's say worst case scenario is true... should I even bother calling after a couple of days? Or just drop it altogether?

 

[RukkuS]

wait to call him on Saturday. He might just be playing hard to get. You on the other hand, jumped on his bones shamelessly, but not everybody is so straight forward. He could very well be thinking about you as much as you are him, but just putting off calling you and texting you while inpatiently waiting for a response. Just relax and keep your urges to talk to him to yourself. If he doesn't answer on saturday, then thats a red flag...

 

[metalcavy87]

Not really... Tuesday was the day we first met up. I called him Thurs and sent a text message Wednesday. I didn't float the idea of a relationship... I just asked him what he was looking for these days in that regards. To me, that doesn't seem like it's pushing the issue... seems like a valid question, and one I've been asked before in that timeperiod... just an existential question.. but I guess it could misinterpreted as above...

You're right though, I should probably just chill out. I have other shit coming up so I'm just going to drop this for a couple of days. Maybe a little radio silence is a good idea.

But let's say worst case scenario is true... should I even bother calling after a couple of days? Or just drop it altogether?

And just to clarify... I asked that quesiton in the txt. The message I left on the phone was about our 2nd date on Sat.

 

[metalcavy87]

wait to call him on Saturday. He might just be playing hard to get. You on the other hand, jumped on his bones shamelessly, but not everybody is so straight forward. He could very well be thinking about you as much as you are him, but just putting off calling you and texting you while inpatiently waiting for a response. Just relax and keep your urges to talk to him to yourself. If he doesn't answer on saturday, then thats a red flag...

I guess. And yeah, maybe I did. But this whole this is driving me insane. I've always prided myself on being in-control emotionally and until recently I would guess that would have been true. Guess I need to re-examine that assertion now though.

 

[BigDan]

Mmm, thing is, I guess you're trying to feel in control by finding out what he's after and responding to that. However, since he has the option to not respond, you've put him in control. Give him some time and come back to it later on. He likes you - anyone can see that from your first post. So you have that aspect of control. But he probably doesn't yet want to spend the rest of his life with you, or even yet think about spending the rest of his life with you. Let's chill

 

[metalcavy87]

Mmm, thing is, I guess you're trying to feel in control by finding out what he's after and responding to that. However, since he has the option to not respond, you've put him in control. Give him some time and come back to it later on. He likes you - anyone can see that from your first post. So you have that aspect of control. But he probably doesn't yet want to spend the rest of his life with you, or even yet think about spending the rest of his life with you. Let's chill

Thanks for the replies so far guys. I appreciate it, whether the response was heart warming or disappointing.

Just to clarify for myself, you think I should just drop the whole Saturday date thing and just wait a couple of days? I'm thinking that might be wise, but I dunno... I wanted to go out w/ him again before we went home on Winter Break, but maybe not?

 

[RukkuS]

if you made plans for saturday with him and he agreed, then theres no reason to cancel. That might send him mixed signals...

 

[metalcavy87]

if you made plans for saturday with him and he agreed, then theres no reason to cancel. That might send him mixed signals...

I mean, we didn't set a specific time or anything, but when I asked if he wanted to go back out again on Saturday, he said yeah. I told him I'd probably call him around midday. He was like, "Yeah, that sounds great."

Maybe I'll just flip a coin to decide what to do; seems like life has been a shoot-me-if-I-do, shoot-me-if-I-don't kind of mess lately.

And I'm startin to think maybe some mixed signals would do him some good if he is still interested... whatever.

 

[maxpowr9]

it is one thing to be in control and another to need to have to control. Seriously, just relax and take it slow.

 

[youngnihilist]

take it less seriously.

everyone takes dating/sex so seriously.

its supposed to be fun! if it isn't fun why are you wasting your time?

now let him make the move

 

[heymikey]

He's just not that into you.

Just like a quote from Sex and the City, "if a guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way."

I hope I'm wrong though. I'm a hopeless romantic and I hope you two end up together. Who knows, his cellphone is probably just out of battery and he doesn't have time to recharge it (for 3 days).

 

[tallguy297]

Personally I really dislike the whole game playing thing that happens when people dont respond... and Metal its seriously up to you as to how to take this response from him.

There are a few schools of thought... either the guy isn't into you and is too cowardly to front up and tell you somehow...

or

he thinks hes cool and is playing stand offish and come Saturday everything is fine

or

hes just not thinking about things until Saturday.

For me, either way shows a lack of communication at best and a lack of respect at worst.

Did you jump in too soon? Maybe, but thats not the point. It takes a minute to type a text so he could have easily replied in a way that told you to chill until Saturday. Not responding is just not cool at all.

Metal, life full of lessons - they never stop. You've got to remember that not everyone operates on your level. For some guys consideration of others is a chapter they haven't read yet.

Wait it out. See what does or doesn't happen - that will tell you all you need to know. And if he does meet up on Saturday make sure you make it clear that being an ass-hat does not impress you. You're better than having your emotions toyed with and if this guy is in anyway serious than you deserve a freindship or relationship based on honesty respect and trust - what you've shown him... and nothing less.

 

[rareboy]

Basically, I need someone to slap me around and tell me I'm overreacting to this in the worst way.

Well, consider yourself slapped. You're overreacting to this in the worst way.

What is it with the texting thing? Do people never keep quiet for one minute? Is there nothing that doesn't just get tossed into the ether instead of people waiting to see how things unfold? What is it with the endless, relentless interrogation of people 24/7/365?

Has it ever occurred to you that he didn't respond because he doesn't know what his answer is after just one date?

Although it seems everyone tattoos 'looking for relationship' to their forehead anymore or put it in bold phermone laced type on their MyFACESpacebook page, some people just aren't sure what they're looking for. Assume he was looking for a friend and potential short term relationship unless otherwise stated.

Throw your itextberries away for a week or two and try to connect through talking and sharing time instead of pitching acronyms or negotiating the terms of your emotional contractual relationship.

 

[metalcavy87]

Appears I've overblown the situation... he called me this morning and confirmed. Hopefully this'll be a trend.

 

[BigDan]

Good Have a good night!