Insight on Friend

[hilltop08]

I come to you guys seeking some insight. I have a friend, I've known him for a little over 5 years. We met in college and he has become one of my best guy friends. He is straight, but about a year after we met each other we had our first sexual encounter with each other (mutual blowjobs), it was my first time ever and his first with a dude. Things were a little weird after that day for about a week and then it happened again. For the next few years we did it almost whenever we could and did other things beside blowjobs, this lasted for the next 3 years. Through this time we have had some really in-depth conversations with each other about sexuality and coming to terms with who you really are, he questioned if I was really gay since I have liked girls in the past. He still said he was totally straight. He also became really involved in church, but that didn't stop him from continuing to do things with me.

Last year I moved back to my hometown for a job but would visit once a month and during those visits we would also have sex with each other. This lasted until May of this year when he met this girl and they started dating. We would still text each other and joke around about things we use to do together we just don't have sex. Our conversations do get very sexually motivated sometimes. Yesterday would be an example of our sexually motivated text sessions, I was so turned on my our conversation that I even rubbed one out while texting him and he admitted later in the conversation that he did also.

In our conversation we talked about how much fun we had when we were together. He told me that he liked sucking my dick, but he did not like the guilt he felt after we were finished. Is there a way I can make him feel less guilty about the things we have done or is that something he has to go through on his own?

 

[bruce379]

I'm sure he'll be looking for dick from now on. Just saying. It also depends how old he is.

 

[62624rd]

it's something that he has to go thru on his own. When i was active with a guy; i too would feel gulity afterwards.

 

[xbuzzerx]

If your friend is straight or claims he is, treat him like he is. Even if he's not, he's not ready to come out or be in a relationship. This is not something you can push, manipulate, hurry or force. Nor as his friend should you be trying to.

I am in the boat, and may be in the minority, that the fact that a guy ever does something like this with a close buddy or friend is not a 100% indicator of "true, hidden sexual orientation." But if someone tells you that they're straight, even if they're not, they're also telling you that they are not ready or willing for more to happen between you. Respect it.

 

[sixthson]

Well...this would be a little more than curiosity on his part. Any sexual relationship that lasts for 4 years has to be an indication that he is not straight. Perhaps bi. But I agree with Buzzer, he is where he wants to be at this point in his life and that is calling himself straight. You will have to live with that. As for his guilt, you are not his conscience, so don't try to assuage it.
I might suggest you stop all sexual interaction with him, including the phone sex and arousing sex talk. See what he does. If he has a gf, you don't need to get caught in the middle of that anyway.

I know you love him, but you might want to find a bf who can return your feeling 100%.

 

[bruce379]

I agree with what others said. If he says he's straight, then tell him he's straight. He's gonna figure it out for himself. But be there for him because he is your friend, and that is worth something to keep. This is how I see it: you two are unofficially friends with benefits; which is great. If he wants more, that's totally up to him. It would be naive of us to tell you what you can and cannot do, that at some point either one of you want to get it on - it's just biology, besides, he's not married - yet. You're not children anymore.

In the meantime, look around. He's not the only fish in the sea. Plus, if he sees that you're getting on with another guy, it might bring some clarity as to where he stands. Like what others said, let him arrive at his own conclusions, and if the day comes that he's at peace with himself, then he will come out or marry his gf. But be there for him as a friend, and try to keep that friendship.

Bottom line: date or try to meet other guys without shoving your friend away. He tells you he's straight, tell him he's straight without regret, if he changes his mind, tell us what's up, lol.

 

[Rolyo85]

Your friend is gay, and brainwashed by whatever bigoted branch of Christianity he ascribes to. Saying you're straight when you fuck a guy for years doesn't make you any more straight than saying I'm a zebra would make me one. That's the bad news. The other bad news is there is really very little you can do. If you confront him directly, he will shut you out of his life, because that's what they do. Denial and the closet are akin to a mental illness - they overcome our rational thinking and make us do crazy and horrible things to support them.

What you CAN do is try to inform him IN A VERY SUBTLE WAY of gay issues, try to give him a perspective on being gay as a healthy wholesome state of being, rather than the sinful sexual choice his church is trying to portray it as. Be an example, talk to him of YOUR coming out process, the feelings you had etc. If you have to, make stuff up so it matches his situation better. Just don't be obvious and DO NOT expect to get out of it having a boyfriend. Do it for him as a friend only.

 

[newbored]

Your friend is gay, and brainwashed by whatever bigoted branch of Christianity he ascribes to.

???!!!

Where the fuck did this come from?! I think someone hates christianity... LMFAO. Ridiculousness itself.

Apparently, not only do we have here a telepath who KNOWS what sexual preferences do people hold and whether or not they're bisexual or homosexual, but also what religion they profess and whether or not they're christian or what the fuck.

It's all OK though, for PC, self-victimizing, self-important, melodramatic, puerile, bullying, tantrum-prone homosexuals who LOVE playing the victim, any excuse is a good excuse for stupidly bashing, insulting, mocking and insulting religion and christianity in an utterly uncalled-for manner and when/where there's absolutely no need or reason. Typical ignorant, foolish smugness from vapid atheists...

Some "advices" those that are given here...

 

[hilltop08]

Thanks for all of the replays and advice guys. I certainly don't want to force his to choose to be gay or anything. I knww he gets a lot of pressure from his family and church to be straight. There was a situation involving his sister who is/was a lesbian and lots of people didn't like it. They even made her go to counseling to help her. I just want to be there as a friend for him. Even though I don't think he'll even accept himself.

Whenever I talk to him I have the intentions of not getting into a sexual conversation with him but that's always where our conversations end up, probably because that's what we've always talked about. I just don't know any straight guy that behaves this way with another dude and still thinks he's straight.

I have been looking for a bf but since I'm in my last semester of college and work a part time job so I don't really have a lot of spare time and don't know where to look in my hometown.

 

[Rolyo85]

Being gay is not a choice. Never even use vocabulary that suggests that it is. Being gay is how you are born. You can try to suppress it, live in denial, whatever. But you can't NOT be gay, not for a second from the day you are born to the day you die. And it's a wonderful, powerful thing.

I am glad you don't want him as your BF. That makes your job as a friend a lot easier. I am not saying you SHOULD try to help him come out. But if you do, I'd recommend the ways I described.


@newbored - if you can't make these types of conclusions from the info presented in the OP, perhaps you should not post in this subforum.

 

[newbored]

@newbored - if you can't make these types of conclusions from the info presented in the OP, perhaps you should not post in this subforum.

Your friend is gay, and brainwashed by whatever bigoted branch of Christianity he ascribes to

If you can't refrain from needlessly, irrationally, unreasonably and childishly insulting and trashing religions with millions and millions of adherents in the whole world who've never done a single thing to you, and saying things like that when giving "advice" and talking about someone you don't even know at all and who may very well be bisexual instead of homosexual, perhaps you should not post in this subforum.

If you can't refrain from imposing your own personal views and opinions on others and trying to pass them off as the truth and reality, perhaps you should not post in this subforum.

If you can't hide your hatred towards religions and your denial of bisexuality/bisexuals, perhaps you should not post in this subforum, especially given, that, you know, little detail, it is named "Coming out, Relationships & BISEX Talk." and it's a "NO FLAME ZONE".

Now, I won't keep this off-topic, derailing and hijacking exchange alive out of respect to the OP.

Farewell.

 

[hilltop08]

Hey guys, I want to thank you again for all of your help. Just to give an update, most of the sexual conversations have stopped but we really don't talk to each other anymore. Since the beginning of our friendship we've had this flirtation thing going on and that's really all we've ever done.
He did tell me that him and his girlfriend were having some issues but that they weren't related to me and us helping each other get off. But that made me start thinking and I noticed that every time he has a girlfriend we basically stop talking for a few weeks/months. One of us will then text the other and we flirt with each other and then his relationships end soon after. I hate to feel that I'm the cause for the relationships ending and I tell him and gear the conversation towards other things but they always come back to sex.

 

[KaraBulut]

Hey guys, I want to thank you again for all of your help. Just to give an update, most of the sexual conversations have stopped but we really don't talk to each other anymore. Since the beginning of our friendship we've had this flirtation thing going on and that's really all we've ever done.

The question for you is whether this is a real friendship or a friendship for the benefits. It's a question that only you can answer for yourself.

The fact that the friendship seems to be "off" when he has a girlfriend does beg the question of whether you are "Plan B" for when he doesn't have a girlfriend.

The other question is what do you do when he's not available? Maybe it's time you moved on and figured some things out for yourself. And maybe find someone who puts you first instead of making you the backup plan? You deserve better.

 

[bruce379]

It seems obvious you have feelings for him and you are an easy outlet for his sexual needs. Regardless of what point he is on his journey is irrelevant.
Meet other guys; we're not saying get a bf. I don't think you're there yet either. You still secretly desire him. But like I said, when he sees you are seeing other guys or at least playing around, then that will trigger a decision in him to be more clear on where you two stand without words being spoken. He certainly harbors some, some, feelings for you otherwise there would have been no connection between you two.
Start meeting other guys and make him know about it without pushing him away: "wanna join?" lol