Introduction / Advice

[ldnguy1]

Been a long time lurker and decided to join. I'm almost 28 and just finally coming to terms with myself. About three weeks ago I came out to my best friend. I was so scared - he mentioned I went as white as a ghost when I told him.

A little about me: I'm fairly masculine, and in fact a few gay guys I've met ask me if I'm sure. Also my best friend asked me the same. I'm attracted to guys like me.

I met a guy on manhunt that we have a lot in common. We both have the same occupation and the same hobbies. Talking to him online I felt an instant connection. He's looking for a fuck buddy, I'm looking for friends (I know no gay guys) - we chatted a bit and decided we'd meet up for lunch on the weekend. He also listed a list of things he's insecure about and I had no problems with that.

When I chatted with him later, he said that I'm looking for something more than him and it wouldn't be a good idea to meet even as friends. He even sent me a face picture of him naked (risky for a guy not out).

I really didn't take this news well - I cried myself to sleep that night. He also went on to say:

Hey- It's not that you did something wrong. It's more that you really want someone really masculine looking and straight acting. Like I said, I have a few gay friends who are gay acting. If we become friends you might not want to hang out with them. I agree, we do have a lot in common, both of us are <deleted>. Same age, etc. you <deleted>, me <deleted>.. lol but it's not all about sex

I think you should still need time to accept yourself. I am not out yet, but I am pretty open minded when it comes to homosexuality. I never, ever criticize anyone for being flaming. or slightly gay. I think you are gay, and you have accepted you are gay, but you are still homophobic.

I should also note, I'm never mean or criticize anyone for flaming, it's just not what I do. I'm dwelling on this... need help dealing with this - what to do next, etc...?

Problem is there's not many guys in my city that fit what I'm looking for (masculine, single, my age, educated, career set or on way, etc...). Staring to feel really crappy about myself - actually ate a full box of cookies when I read his message.

 

[swerve]

Hi Idnguy!!!

Welcome to JUB!!!

The COOL thing about THIS website is that you can make friends from ALL OVER the WORLD!!!

And -- even though we have screen names, and some of us are MORE out than others -- we are ALL real people!!!

So -- when you say that HE is the ONLY guy in YOUR city that meets your VERY SPECIFIC criterion...

I say -- EXPAND your horizons!!!

Both geographically -- which you have done by JOINING JUB -- AND possibly don't set such STRICT criterion for friendship...

Once again -- WELCOME to JUB!!!

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.

The process of meeting people when you're coming out can be tough. Expectations run high. It's not unusual to expect everyone to be a nice guy. It's disappointing to find out that some gay people are as screwed up as everyone else. It's also very easy to get hurt until you learn to weed out that guys who play games.

From the story you related, it's difficult to be sure exactly what happened without knowing both sides of the story. It sounds like this guy was telling you that he's not really out and will meet people for sex. And he's telling you that he's not ready to take on someone who is in the coming out process.

He did you a favor by being honest and not leading you on. It may not seem that way now but if you have the opportunity to date someone who is just coming out, you'll understand.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. I'm glad you posted this thread. You'll find as time passes that there are all sorts of people for you to meet for all sorts of reasons. As you get more comfortable with yourself you'll get more comfortable with others. I hope you will continue to develop over time and hopefully you realize that the happiest people are those who are open to change over time.

You have described a snapshot of yourself today which, I assume, is different from your self description a couple of years ago. We are all works in progress. I congratulate you as you begin coming out and meeting people. I'm not familiar with in-line meeting only because I'm old and have been in a relationship for 28 years, coincidently your entire life.

I can tell you that I'm still evolving. Moderating here has also taught me a lot.

So, let me offer this advice. Get acclimated to being gay by being comfortable with yourself and others, like your friend or anyone else you chose to tell. Meet other gay guys in whatever way you feel comfortable and try not to limit new friends to any kind of "straight" standard. Realize that gay encompasses all types in all walks of life. Trust me as someone who's been there once you get over the gay by association notion you'll be more self accepting. It's the queeny types who trail blazed for all of us. It's the fems who have had the courage to be noticed that have made the civil rights strides that benefit all of us.

You don't need to change a thing today, but do be open to change. Also, you might wish to post at our Introduction Forum. Wishing you all the best. I hope this is an exciting, happy time for you.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Yo dude, I think you're better off not knowing this guy, he sounded very ignorant in his message to you. Labeling you as "homophobic" just because you are more masculine? That's not right.

I've noticed that many gay guys automatically label masculine gay guys as "self-loathing gays" or "homophobic" just because they could easily be confused for a straight guy. SO WHAT? Why are you self-loathing just because you work out, like sports, aren't into fashion etc. You are YOU. If masculine is who you are, then be who you are.

Plus, it seems from the message that he was making assumptions about you. Because you're masculine...you don't want to hang with more feminine gay guys? Unless he was referring to you not being comfortable because you're just coming out...but that still doesn't make sense because he's closeted.

And the use of the terms "straight-acting" and "gay-acting"....wtf is that? Straight and gay are sexualities. You don't ACT straight or gay...you ARE straight or gay. Using the terms "masculine" and "feminine" are more accurate. So if his friends are "gay-acting" then they are effeminate, so they are truly gay? And you are not truly gay and "still need time to accept yourself" because you are "straight-acting"????? Pure ignorance.

And if you are attracted to guys that are more similar to you, that's completely fine too! So what if masculine is you're type? And it's completely fine that you have standards for the man that you want. Many, MANY people, gay straight bisexual man or woman...do not have standards anymore. It's kinda sad because it seems like people just settle for something when they could have something better. People could have their cake and eat it too, but it takes effort.

I want you to know that you did nothing wrong. You need to be who you are and fuck everyone who's a hater. I may seem angry but it's because I am. You don't deserve that kind of judgement. It makes me sick to think that as homosexuals, one of the most discriminated people on this planet who are fighting for the right to be OURSELVES, we still discriminate against others WITHIN OUR COMMUNITY who, like you, are just trying to be themselves. It's sad and pathetic.

Sorry for ranting and not saying this before: Congratulations on coming out! I just came out last month and am going through the same process. It's always good to know there are others going through the same thing. PM if you need anything.

And if anyone has a problem with my post, you can PM me, I will fight you. I feel so bad that the OP had to get judged by someone within our community who is supposed to be more supportive. That's not right, that's not justice.

 

[ldnguy1]

Thanks for your words guys. I was hurt to start with because of rejection, but what hurt more was how I was told I'm a gay homophobic. I'm always civil to people regardless, but I prefer the company of men who are masculine like me.

Perhaps once I start coming out to others I won't care as much.

Kind of taking it hard since there doesn't seem to be many guys around my city who are like me. Most of my 'matches' are in a bigger city about 2 hours away and I'm sort of down because of that.

I love my job and coworkers which makes me feel a little trapped.

I'm guessing I should not have any further correspondence with this guy?

 

[Spiff]

The guy did you a favor. Based on what you posted, he did it as tastefully as anyone could on Manhunt. You admitted that you are looking for more than just sex, which is all that he was looking for. That he was able to honestly tell you that he does not think you two are compatible is a rare thing. He spared you the game-playing typically associated with Manhunt where you would just find out the hard way.

 

[Brtyui]

Thanks for your words guys. I was hurt to start with because of rejection, but what hurt more was how I was told I'm a gay homophobic. I'm always civil to people regardless, but I prefer the company of men who are masculine like me.

Perhaps once I start coming out to others I won't care as much.

Kind of taking it hard since there doesn't seem to be many guys around my city who are like me. Most of my 'matches' are in a bigger city about 2 hours away and I'm sort of down because of that.

I love my job and coworkers which makes me feel a little trapped.

I'm guessing I should not have any further correspondence with this guy?

every guy is different, i guess coming out and looking for a guy who is just for sex maybe isn't the best idea, but u will get their be the best things happen when u least expect it. am not too keen on dead camp guys either but i dont hate them they are nice pple just like u and me, just not really in to that when i date men. everyone has their own tastes. for me example am not really in to the whole gay scene, but that doesnt mean i wont try it

all the best thou ldnguy1