Irony & "The Scene"

[OutofEden]

Well, just crossed another boy off the list.

I'm venting, if you don't want to read my vent, don't.

I just managed to politely end an hour of very boring phone call during which I barely spoke. Not with a friend but just a guy I made the mistake of giving my number out to and have spoken with a few times. Ironically, I'm here venting, after he spent an hour venting to me. It's the whole cycle, I'm sure one of you will consider this a waste of your time and make an issue of it to someone else.

What really got me was that I gave this guy every chance in the world, I didn't care that he was a few years older, that he was unemployed, that he had a lot of issues from his past that haunted him. All of that I could deal with if we clicked, but not after the irony of his phone call. I had to suffer listening to him tell me how much he hates the gay scene where 'a bunch of twinks' sit around with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other and gossip and bitch at each other, only to have him spend the next thirty minutes tell me about all his friend's problems and complain about how unappreciated he is. I even interrupted and one point and said "would you just stop talking for a minute, you sound just like the guys you were discribing ten minutes ago, gossiping about something completely pointless"

His response was "They're just bitching but this actually happened to me". Even if we WERE in a relationship I would say "Hey honey, I don't give a shit" at that point.

One thing he said was he "likes a guy to just be a guy, just be a regular guy and none of this gay flamey stuff" but I fear that the people he associates with have influenced him a lot more than he realizes.

There are many reasons why I'm not perfect, but if I speak with manly candor and tell him I don't care about what he's talking about and point out the irony of his catty conversation and he glosses over it and continues, there's no way he's the right one for me.

I honestly have no problems with a gay scene these days. I'm perfectly comfortable with the fact that I don't look or behave the same as many guys out there, because I know they're sick of one another. In the end I'll probably end up normalizing into the culture and being just another duplicate fag, this rant to all of you being the perfect hypocritical example, but for now I'm fine. Don't tell me you hate a gay scene, a gay scene is just another tiny part of the world where most the people are gay, what you really are hating is behaviors and they are easy to confront or dismiss.

I'm comfortable with the gay scene, I'm comfortable with trying to figure out who I am, but I'm not comfortable around someone who takes an hour to tell me they hate the person they've become and just haven't realized it yet.

Long story short, I'm going to go BACK to gay bars and clubs, even if it takes me years to find someone I'm happy with and I make happy, if I just sit at home and complain about it I have no chance of finding anyone at all. In the meanwhile, gay men are still extremely amusing and there's no better place to learn to laugh at myself.

What do you all think about "The Scene" and people who love to tell you how much they hate it, how they prefer masculine men, and then turn out to be exactly the type they despise?

 

[luminum]

I don't knwo where it is I would look for other gay guys, but I don't feel like the club scene is where I would go. When I and my friends go to clubs, we go to just dance and have fun,not to look for potential partners. So I imagine that everyone else there is there for the same.

I'd rather meet someone ina class or in a bookstore or at a mutual friend's gathering.

But if you think the club's the place, then go for it. Good for you for being proactive.

 

[Soilwork]

What do you all think about "The Scene" and people who love to tell you how much they hate it, how they prefer masculine men, and then turn out to be exactly the type they despise?

I fucking hate those people.

They're the ones who moan and bitch and complain about pride day, but they never show up or take part to make it more like how they'd like it to be.

They whine about how they can't find a man, but refuse to go out with gay men because "Gay men are all bitches."

They constantly harp on and on about how manly and masculine they are. Maybe one day at least THEY will believe it.

Honestly, there is no one GAY SCENE. There's lots of them. Yes, you can find gay bars where there's a lot of 21 year old scene queens who have a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other being catty. You can also find bars where the guys aren't like that at all.

I ride with a motorcycle club where there's no scene queens, but if they could ride, they'd be more than welcome.

I'm sure that Kulindahr and his gay gun owner club is quite a bit different still.

 

[Rali_hates_Mondays]

Soilwork pretty much nailed it there. In my experience, the gay bars I've been to have a mixed atmosphere and because basically anyone, gay or straight, man or woman, can come in, the atmosphere is not sleazy but mainly one where you hang out with your friends and have a few drinks. There are of course the sleazy ones, which are the ones that are mainly for men of course .

You do see a few "scene queens" as well but apart from bitching about you and giving the sour look, there is nothing bad that they're gonna do to you. It's not as bad as being in a str8 bar where if you gave a man the wrong look you could have a glass smashed in your face.

 

[Rockhard]

You're going to forget him, which is good. Glad you're not so desperate that you'd saddle up--even temporarily--just to not be alone.

You describe a classic non-listener. He doesn't care about you, nor anything you have to say. Moreover, he's not interested in you nor any of your feelings or opinions. It's not about you, it's about HIM. Me, me, me.

There's a reason why he's single. Best left that way, too.

Hey, good luck! If I were in your shoes, I'd head out asap to a bar to get an anecdote to that wasted conversation. What's really a shame is that's an hour you can never get back!

 

[jockboy01]

What do you all think about "The Scene" and people who love to tell you how much they hate it, how they prefer masculine men, and then turn out to be exactly the type they despise?

I agree that the gay scene is far more varied than typified. People who say that obviously haven't spent enough time out in it.

Not that it is perfect. The thing I have found that I don't like about scene guys (granted, limited experience) and many out gay guys is that they define themselves by their sexuality. And in part, I understand it. Struggling with being gay is a tough thing and so it is easy to say "that's who I am". But I want to find somebody who just happens to be gay but has a lot of other interests. Somebody that can handle themselves both in and out of the scene. And I haven't found very many of those as of yet.

 

[OutofEden]

Thanks everyone for your perspectives and advice. I went out with some friends after work and we went gay bar hopping, just to kind of reset. I'm fortunate enough to live in a city where you can go to quite a few gay bars in one night and get a feeling for all the different atmospheres.

I agree with those of you who say that there isn't A scene, there are many, and the mood in each is different. Finding your comfortable niche is the same gay or straight.

I told the guy who inspired the rant that I didn't feel we were such a good match and that I'm sorry if he felt lead-on. He of course didn't hear me and tried to tell me how things were going to change for the better. So I cut him off, I don't like to be rude but he'll continue to think whatever he wants, no more messages from him. Thanks again for all your input!

 

[drhladnjak]

Ugh, how annoying. I can't blame you for ranting after enduring that. At least he was on the phone though and not in real life or you might have felt more compelled to listen to him longer.

I agree that you have to get out of the house and out in the world if you want to meet other people. Remember though that there's more than the bars. Volunteer work, activity groups, political activism, etc. These are often better ways to meet guys who are not as into bars and the scene.

 

[jockboy01]

Remember though that there's more than the bars. Volunteer work, activity groups, political activism, etc. These are often better ways to meet guys who are not as into bars and the scene.

Gosh I hope that's true. Everybody says that, but apparently I don't do the same activities as gay guys besides bars b/c I rarely find them there. Hope that changes at some point.

 

[Just_Believe18]

My "scene" is the online community. I've had better luck there.

 

[drhladnjak]

Gosh I hope that's true. Everybody says that, but apparently I don't do the same activities as gay guys besides bars b/c I rarely find them there. Hope that changes at some point.

This varies a lot by location. These days, even most smaller cities have at least one gay bar it seems. It doesn't really take a whole lot of out or semi-out guys in one area to provide a clientele for a bar. When it comes to almost any other activity, you need a larger general population of gay men to get enough people to support any sort of substantial organization for a more niche activity. There are simply more gay men who are into going to a bar than ones who are specifically interested in running or motorcycling or staging a sit in at the state capitol or whatever. Think of it as reaching a critical mass of gay men for a region.

I've seen this personally in my own life when I moved to Seattle (approx. 3 million people in the metro with a larger than average gay percentage) from the Research Triangle in NC (about 1 milion people, probably about an average gay percentage but nothing spectacular for an urban area). In Seattle, there's way more than 3 times the number of gay bars as in Raleigh-Durham (about 20 vs. 4), but more importantly there's way more non-bar, non-bathhouse gay things to do. In Seattle, there are around a dozen gay sports teams alone whereas I don't think there were any in RDU. In RDU, the big volunteer opportunity was through Alliance of AIDS Services whereas in Seattle there's the equivalent with Lifelong AIDS Alliance but also a GLBT community center, a GLBT health center, Lambert House (provides support and housing for LGBT youth) and more.

 

[MRMATTX2]

I feel very fortunate to live in a region where there are many choices when it comes to meeting men. Bars, churches, group activities, volunteering...and of course bathhouses and sexclubs, if one chooses that route. Online meeting is there also, for just about everyone, no matter where you are.

I know exactly what you mean about meeting someone, and having to listen to them complain about EVERYTHING, from their "ex's", roommates, jobs...and so on.
I've chatted online with guys who seem great, then talked to them on the phone and decided I'd never want to meet them in person. Many of us struggle in life to maintain a positive (even half-way) attitude, the last thing we need is someone who's always focused on the negative. Meeting someone new is supposed to enhance one's life, not be a source of drama and pessimism.

 

[Ninja108]

There is not just one scene, especially in a city. Go out and explore other venues and sooner or later you'll find someone you like. And I agree with you, anyone who trys to change you or is negative.... boot em