Is he cheating?

[Eruesso]

Hi guys,

This is only my second post, and I apologize for such a long "lurking" absence. I'll reintroduce myself since it's been a long time since my first post, and a whole lot has changed since. I'm a 22 year-old American guy now living in the UK with my 22 year-old British partner of 4 1/2 years. We had a fulfilling long distance relationship, meeting each other for two to three months at a time over the course of the relationship. In December, we joined each other as civil partners and I successfully immigrated into the UK.

Six months later, it's beginning to change. Increasingly, my husband has brought up the subject of wanting to sleep with other men. We can both appreciate a beautiful man when we see one, and watching men on the street or out and about has always been a fun and lighthearted way for the both of us to share our thoughts about men. But lately, he seems to be turning appreciation into desire. He shared with me his life ambition just last week: "to sleep with lots and lots of men and to maybe be a photographer." I was shocked and hurt--especially after I had previously poured my heart out with a description of my own romantic ideas of our future.

I suspected he was meeting guys in web chats and sharing more than a conversation, but he's since been honest with me and admitted doing it! Honesty is grand, but it certainly hurts. I now know that he's so smitten with a Greek boy (with whom he talks EVERY night after I go to bed) that he's now learning the Greek language in order to visit this guy in Cyprus on a solo holiday! That's right--my husband would go to Greece without me to meet another man. So when I walk in to catch him this evening in a webchat with his wedding ring sitting on the desk, what am I supposed to think?

We spent hours discussing it all several times in the past, most recently last weekend, but it only brings tears. His conclusion is that I "don't understand" him. But I do understand: he wants the best of married and unmarried life. The stability of a husband and the fun of a promiscuous teenager.

All of it hurts so much more when I'm reminded that I moved here to be with him. I'm thousands of miles away from my family, and I've done this all for him. Don't get me wrong, we still love each other very much, but he's changing, and I'm not liking it.

Anyone else in my situation? Any thoughts? advice? I've thought of marriage counseling, but I don't know where to start.

Thanks in advance, guys.

 

[puka-pride]

ummmm why are you staying with him?

imean if u talked about what he does and how it hurts you and he just brushes it off then he doesn't really care....

get a divorce.. take half of his things.... and be on your merry way cus that shit shouldn't be tolerated

 

[switchboyad]

Ok, Actually he is cheating you.... I think you don't have concience, you are letting him, being infiel, you know it, I know what love could do with our heart... And how much we can stand... But take care of yourself and think about what you really want, You said that you have thougts of future... You can figure it out with other man, It hurts however, GET REAL!

 

[Christopher123]

In my opinion, I really don't think counseling, at this point, is gonna do any good. He's already got his mind set to what he wants to do.

If you're not okay with this, which you're obviously not, then you need to move on, babe.

 

[charmedboy333]

Hmmm you got a tough situation in your hands. I never been in this kind of situation but I'll take a stab at it. First off I don't think you should go directly to divorce, at least try and work it out. He must see something in you that he hasn't seen in any other guy because you guys got "joined" or however you want to call it, that must show something right? Considering how he likes to venture off. From what I see it you got a couple choices. One choice you can try is spicing up your sex life. I have no idea how it is but maybe you can try new things, use new things, surprise him and please him in ways he thought you couldn't so that he feels like your all he needs. Another choice is you could make the relationship open. You guys could try to have a three-some. But if he wants to go off on his own then make sure he knows that you will to. Ultimately, if he doesn't want to compromise in any way then honey he doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much more. Hope I could help in any way and good luck~

 

[backpacker]

First let me say how bad I feel for you. You seem like a decent, caring guy who doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Now for the advice. During your long distance relationship, you didn't really get to know him. He was able to be on his best behavior for brief periods of time and hide his dark side. I seriously doubt his desire to sleep with lots of men is anything new, you just didn't know about it. The fact that he acts like it's your problem is troubling. Even more troubling is that he withheld such a significant piece of information from you. I would have a very hard time staying with him. This doesn't mean that he doesn't have feelings for you, just that you two are obviously very different people and probably not compatible. Sorry to paint such a glum picture, but you are probably better to face reality now. You're young and I would just chalk this whole relationship up to a learning experience. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[TJBill]

He shared with me his life ambition just last week: "to sleep with lots and lots of men and to maybe be a photographer."

What a jerk. Sounds like he said this just to hurt you. Even if he felt this way he could have found a softer way to break the news to you. You know, like, 'hey, I think I might want to see other people...'. It also would have been a bit more considerate if he told you about his life ambition a couple of years ago - I doubt he just woke up last Thursday realizing his new life ambition.

Oh, and the whole greek guy internet thing - while you're in the room - that shows a lot of class, too. OK, I need to calm down, lol.

Obviously, you can't stay in something like this. I know that when you're in love it's hard to break it off, but you can't just live your life being treated like this. You can try to talk things out with him, but, unfortunately, he doesn't seem to care about your feelings.... I'm sure there's tons of nice guys out there who would treat you right.

Good luck, dude.

 

[Grey_Sky]

It's really not an easy situation. It's nearly impossible to accept and let go when we're in love (believe me I know...), but for what you've told us, your relationship is not well at all.

Like others said, I would reccommend you to have a very serious talk with him, showing how much his decisions are affacting you, trying to make him see that he's hurting you, but without thowing it to his face. If he doesn't manage to understand it... then leaving him would probably be the best solution, before he hurts you even more.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you make the best decision!

 

[thermodynamics]

Run. Fast. Now.

 

[xterranx]

Uhm...the answer is pretty clear here: dump him. He's been extremely inconsiderate of you and thinks you're okay with his infidelity. Just divorce, take your things (or settle for half of what your union procured), and move back home. Don't let him talk you against it.

 

[drhladnjak]

Technically, he's not cheating because he's telling you what's going on.

The two of you need to have an honest and difficult discussion about what boundaries you're willing to set. Flying off to Greece to meet some boy alone would definitely be outside of those boundaries, but maybe other arrangements wouldn't be (like playing together with a third guy). If you can't agree on a set of boundaries that both of you are satisfied with, then I believe it's time to split.

Timing is everything and it sounds to me like he wasn't really ready to get into a relationship when he did. I know it won't make you hurt any less, but I've seen this scenario play out numerous times before--two young guys get into an LTR then one or both freak out when they realize they've monogamously committed to the other before they feel like they've adequately sewn their wild oats. It's possible that he just needs some time to get that experience, but it may hurt you too much along the way for your relationship not to be damaged in the process.

 

[Eruesso]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. You all seem to be in agreement when it comes to the response, but it's so hard for me to accept the thought of leaving him because I love him so much.

I'm willing to discuss involving a third guy for one night, but an open relationship just isn't something I think I could tolerate. I don't think I'm a jealous person, but it seems that he should be saving his "best" for his husband.

I didn't intend to imply that he's always such a bastard, because he's not. It's just that ...most of the time, when he's acting normal, we have such a wonderful relationship. I hate to break off this great little something we've had for four years on the basis of a few small mistakes. Maybe I'm too forgiving or too dependent on him, but I just couldn't imagine living a happy life without him.

That said, I do appreciate everyone's input. This will just take a lot of thought and discussion on our own parts. I hope we both can come to a good decision.

​

 

[screwnutty]

Eruesso,

Stop for a second and think about the future. Don't think about the "small mistakes" he has made right now, here in the present. Think about 10 years down the road...what if he's still doing this. What if you spend those 10 years thinking and feeling the same way as you do now? Is that any way to live your life? Your in a foreign land...away from your family. Seriously if he can't understand you know...things are certainly not going to get better for either of you in the future.

 

[Just_Believe18]

He has already made up his mind. He wants to sleep with lots of men. He's going to sleep with lots of men, and there is nothing you can do about it. He still cheated on you because he TOLD YOU AFTERWARDS he was having sex with guys you suspected. He never included you in the conversation of what he wants to do. He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't truly love you. You may feel this is love. But love is an unconditional, open feeling where two people trust and communicate with each other. He is not giving you this. If he's already made up his mind to go to Greece without you, what makes you think he won't decide to love "someone else" and leave you? You have no guarantee. And that's why you need to get your affairs together and leave him. Immediately. Don't wait. Immediately.

 

[3nipples]

I believe in open relationships, but it's very conditional on respecting the relationship. That means that you are always first and foremost there for each other.

I would not be there anymore if my partner treated me like your husband is treating you.

 

[backpacker]

I think you are in denial. What he's done and his proclamation of what he plans to do in the future are not "little mistakes". These items are fundamental to your relationship and you both need to be in agreement about them. For some people open relationships work, but you obviously are not one of them. He's not willing to commit to just you. You can't just forgive and forget because he has made it clear that it will happen in the future. I honestly don't see you guys working out a solution that will make both of you happy. You are much better to move on now while you two can still remain friends. Good luck!

 

[Eagle653]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. You all seem to be in agreement when it comes to the response, but it's so hard for me to accept the thought of leaving him because I love him so much.

I'm willing to discuss involving a third guy for one night, but an open relationship just isn't something I think I could tolerate.

​

Hi Eruesso, I know how hard this must be for you and precisely for the reason you state: You love him so much. My heart goes out to you because I hear it breaking.

Involving a third guy for a one night does nothing, really. And, it really isn't about a 3-some here anyway. All this would do is sacrifice your own principles for his, which will do nothing for your self-esteem. Secondly, what's really going on, is that he hasn't matured yet. That's not to say he's "immature" it's just that he's not done exploring the candy-store yet and settle down with his favorite flavor. Some men are like that, and some get through the "candy store sex" phase sooner--and later--than others.

I think what you need to do is have a hard talk with yourself and stay connected to reality and what's best for YOU. Staying in this situation, letting your husband fly off to Greece to be with another man, and "sleeping with as many men as possible" is not healthy for you. It can only lead to misery and depression and shot self-esteem: It can not lead to anything good. Trying to rationalize it and defend it will leave you hollow.

Might I suggest you visit with a counselor or therapist about this? I would hope that person would allow you to love yourself at much--or more--than you do this man. Once you do, you will make decisions that are best for you and not for him.

Good luck to you. Pop on here, as you can, and update us as to how you're doing and what's going on.

 

[damahu]

In short, ditch this loser. A harsh statement I know but one you need to hear. Never feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do. This man does not appreciate you. He may have done at varying times in your relationship, but not anymore and it is obvious. You have known this man for 4 and a half years. He is changing. Change is inevitable in people, but it is not always change for the better as you have pointed out.
Yes you love him. Yes it is hard. But that is the way it is. You have moved halfway across the world to be with a man that would wave it off and bugger off to Greece and meet another guy.
He was not wearing his ring? That says everything. He no longer wants to be 'bound' to this relationship. You are too forgiving, but in the same way you are a man that needs to be appreciated. There are far greater forms of love out there waiting for you to discover them. You think you won't be able to? Of course you will. You are 22 years old.
If you choose to carry on living like this then you will only grow older. What happens when you reach that age where you think "shit why didn't I just get shot of him". The feelings you have now will only intensify as time goes on and still you will sit there and wait for a guy not worth waiting for. One day he will stop loving you altogether, if he hasn't already. Why wait for that? Grab your balls and make the decision. Yes you will feel sad, you'll cry, you'll think life isn't worth living, you'll feel you have wasted years of your life, you will at some point regret making this decision but there will come a time in your life where you will think "thank God I did".
There are plenty more blokes out there that may well have the same ideas about future and relationships as you do. Plenty more to to win and lose, but when it comes down to it there is always that one special person out there.
Think. Act. Dump him. Don't feel pressured into staying with him because you are married, or because you have moved so far from your home. It's bullshit. You are married to the wrong man.
I may well be encouraging some negative remarks against myself because of this post, but I know that myself and so many other men I know have wasted time on situations not unlike yours. What were their thoughts on it? "I wish I had done this years ago".
I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make. Only you know what is best. But don't be trapped in this fruitless relationship. The man is a liar. You deserve better.
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