Is he overly controlling or am i too rebellious?

[TTUdude00]

Hi,

Recently, my bf and i have been having a lot of conflict in our relationship and last night it escalated terribly. My bf is not the much older than myself (4 years) and we've been together for over a year now and have moved in together as couples do. He's always working and i'm juggling a part time job waiting tables and a full time student in graduate school, so our lives are very hit miss. When I get home from work we're together for an hour or two and then he has to go to bed for work the next morning and i'm still jazzed from work (waiting tables) so i go watch tv or work on papers for school. Saddly I can't work as much as i'd like with my school schedule during the year so he provides for the both of us a lot. Which adds to my worries.

Because of our limited time together i've always felt that I needed to be there for him when we did have time that wasn't obligated to something else. And for a time now it's been fun cooking together and watching movies. But we rarely go out to socialize with other people. I'm 23 and i still want to go out and have fun. Granted responsible fun, but fun none the less. So last night we talked about the need to branch out and make groups of friends that we can just go and hang out with separately every now and then. I mean we all have our boys and our girls that we can just go and chill with, talk about the world's problems and then leave feeling better about everything. I think this concept was threatening to him because then he started talking about these are the rules and so on. Which i mean i understand that there are implied boundaries, but seriously? One of the issues is that i can't hang out with other gay guys...

Last night i told him that i wanted to go to a party since he was going to be in bed, and he got all upset because he thought that if i started going out to parties at my co-workers that i'd be getting drunk off my ass, smoking pot, and never coming home. Of course i drink, but if i know i have to be back somewhere i just sip on a beverage. I've never gotten high from weed. And i have full intention of coming home to him. However, I did tell him that some nights there is the possibility that i might ave a drink too much and that driving wouldn't be the best plan and i would be around people that i've known as long as he and i had been together so he wouldn't have to worry. And yes, i'm still young and I want to experience getting high, is that so wrong? Apparently if i started doing these things. We might as well break up. Seriously, i just don't understand this guy sometimes. From my point of view I called him controlling last night and he continued to state how we're breaking up and i'll be out on my ass. I mean really??? I've really known him as the type of guy who is rational and will try his hardest to make everything good for me, and now i'm confused. So as he was going to bed last night i was told that was to enjoy my sleep on the couch...and there is where i woke up...

I guess by writing this I just wanted someone to give me a second point of view, or confirmation that i'm not out of my head. Either way I just want to understand what to do in these situations. Do to finances, i don't feel that it'll be easy to find a place without a roommate that i could afford, but i've done it before...who knows.

Thanks ahead of time

 

[ChicagoNormalGuy]

Find a place you can afford and leave. Doesn't mean you can't date, but if he is holding your financial well being over your head, you need to be able to call his bluff.

 

[racer2438]

Sounds more as if you might want to go separate ways and need to be told by us that it's ok.

Your post may have more to it, and I think if it were me , it would be a bit disrespectfull to go out on your bf.

But the other side is that both of you are not spending quality time together and this is becoming a problem. He works more and provides for you and he may feel "why am I doing this" and you go to school and have time to do what you want at his expence cus you dont bring in you full share on income. Look at it from his view. you need to contribute more income and that part cant be used against you. It should be equal contribution and that part is taken out of the issue, or held over someone head. It sounds more about you going out and partying alone and he has to be home as he has to pay more out. So it sounds more like you should make time for both of you to have your own time together. You have only been to gether for a yr and thats not long.

I have been with my partner for 25-1/2 yrs now, But I would not go out to party alone w/o him, but that just me. I have not worked as much as he has and I take care of the home and do things here while he worked.

So I would say make some time for the 2 of you and set that time aside and stick to it. If you want it done it can be done, and if you want him and he you it can be done. It all in what you 2 want of of this. If you cant then you may consider getting out now.

so look at arranging times for you and make it something that you both enjoy and vary it so that it not boring.

You more of need to spice things up, so try it...

good luck

 

[hotb0d]

I think he just feels a bit frustrated with the situation but he still loves you. Financially....yea it's probably a stress for him if he does pay for most everything when you guys are living together. But then you guys should have talked about this before moving in together since you know full well the life and debt of a graduate student. Maybe it's best if you just move out for a bit but doesn't mean that you guys will need to break up the relationship.

And I think the reason he doesn't want you to go to the party because you guys don't spend enough quality time together...so he just wanted you to be there in bed with him. Even though it's just sleeping, it feels good to have someone that you care next to you.

 

[Lube]

You're really setting yourself up for a bad situation when you become financially dependent on him.

It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it, too.

Would you have the money to go out with friends if he didn't help out with bills? Sounds like you wouldn't. So I can't blame him.

But that's not a great way to have a relationship.

It's like a straight woman who doesn't make much money and goes and hangs out with men other than her husband. I don't think the breadwinner would like that, either (but he'd be fine if she hung out with her woman friends).

That's one thing that sucks about being gay. Our friends and sex partners are often the same sex. Makes certain things trickier than being straight.

(FWIW, my partner and I each make enough money to support ourselves, and we have very different work schedules, so we often (well, often enough) go out without the other. But we have trust in each other, and if we break up, neither one of us has invested a lot of money in the other. See what I mean about being financially dependent mucking things up?)

(At a party last night, I heard several stories of guys buying their bf's expensive things, only to have the bf break up and take said expensive thing with them. No one wants to be used this way.)

 

[Centexfarmer]

Okay you're what 23, and your BF is 27?

He has a full time job, you're working part-time as a waiter while completing your degree.

The two of you have been together for more than a year, and you share a residence together.

I can only assume that this was the arrangement when the two of you moved in together. He knew what he was getting into, and apparently thought enough about you to carry more than his share of the financial load while you finished completing your degree.

The two of you don't get to spend as much time together as you like because of your conflicting schedules, and you've presented to him a way for you to "wind down" would be to go out with friends and party while he's busting his ass providing the lion's share for the both of you.

I don't think that your BF is being controlling, he's probably feeling a little hurt and threatened.

If you don't really love this guy, and you're just using him to keep a roof over your head until you can take care of yourself, then own it and find yourself a roommate, and don't blame your current BF for whatever "problems" you think that the two of you are having.

Otherwise suck it up, and realize that the two of you are in a "relationship."

Don't you think, that if it weren't for the fact that he has to get up and work in the morning, that he would like to take you out? To spend more time with you?

To develop those friendships outside of the relationship that the two of you currently have together?

IMO and in my experience, if you care for your current BF you'll focus more of your attention on completing your degree as soon as you possibly can than what to do with your idle time while he's resting to provide for the both of you.

That way you can get a job that's more conducive to his time schedule, and the biggest thing that the two of you will have to worry about is where to live/move so that the both of you can make the most money, and live out the rest of your days in eternal bliss (with your own friends, and social networks!).

But if you're still feeling the urge to "experiment" and to go out and fill your oats right now, you're not doing yourself or your BF any favors by trying to figure out how to have your cake and eat it too.

Own what ever decision that you make, and don't dump it off on your BF as being to "overly controlling" or your being "too rebellious."

It's not as simple as that.

You're not giving him many options right now, while at the same time you can remain in the service industry for as long as you want, you're pretty much demanding that you be able to party with your coworkers while he's sleeping and getting ready for work, and some how or other you seem to feel that your BF is cramping your style.

Find someone that you work with that needs help with their rent, explain to your BF that you weren't as ready for a "relationship" as you thought you were and cut him loose.

If you for one moment make him feel that you don't appreciate what he's doing for the both of you, he'll feel used by you and might even be feeling that way now.

Otherwise suck it up.

Clean the house, do laundry, study, figure out how to complete your next course assignments earlier, whatever you need to do to "wind down" when you get off from work, and make your BF feel like you're a part of the relationship instead of someone that he might feel like he's carrying.

edit: I apologize if that sounded too blunt, but from what you've shared this is the reality of the situation from my experience.

 

[josher]

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you are joined at the hip.

Both of you should be free to enjoy the company of your own friends from time to time. If he's using emotional or financial blackmail to keep you at home, he's a manipulator.

 

[sentirpromesas]

Having been in a similar position, i feel for your BF. It really sounds like you are the one taking advantage of the situation here. Yes, you are young and should be able to have fun. But so does your bf. However, due to his work (which you depend on) he can't. Instead of "unwinding" with pals try to schedule days where both of you can spend quality time together.

also, this wasnt stated but i'm assuming your sex life has taken a toll. it's amazing how quickly things fall apart when you stop putting out.

 

[spencer]

So school is too busy for you to put in more hours, but it's not busy enough for you to go out and party?

There's your 2nd perspective.

I'm several years older than your bf and I go out a lot. Heck, I'm awake now and I have to work in the morning.

He should at least try to go out with you on your night off (before 9) so he can get rest and be with you.

But also if you can't control your going out to where you have to get trashed or blazed, then what are you?