Is he playing hard to get, or just not into me?

[altlover85]

say, I don't know if you're like me or not, but I know when I met my bf I didn't want anything serious, but as we got to know each other, I realized I really did enjoy being with him and started to develop feelings for him. I love him, but I think the lack of seriousness at the beginning has allowed the relationship to just stay at a non-serious level (we're committed, but not living together) and it always leads me to question myself about where the relationship is gong. I think the answer for me is, it's not going to a deeper level.

My point is, if you don't want something serious, but then decide that you might, don't be disappointed if it doesn't get as serious as you would like.

Good luck and I'm glad you've found our advice useful.

 

[saymyname]

Hmm. I found out tonight that when he said I was "boring" with my questions, he probably meant more like "blase" "heavy" or "annoying" because he's from France and that's how they use the word boring in translation, or something. I wonder if maybe I should just apologize for being too annoying with questions about his past. That sucks if I ruined it over that. But he could be a little bit more open and communicative. I have a feeling he's kind of weird like that. He doesn't explain how he knows people. If he mentions someone, instead of explaining who they are, he'll say "you don't know him." He also goes by a fake name and won't tell people his real name, he only goes by the name his modeling agency uses.

Yet, I'm annoying for asking things about his past/trying to get to know him. I think he just has issues. Hmm.

 

[JackFTwist]

then later on we were outside again, talking, and I was wondering who this friend of his was, because they were clearly very affectionate with each other... so I asked him if it was an ex. This frustrated him and he said "You're boring" because he said every time he says he knows someone, I ask him how...

there are two places where you would have lost me

at least for me, I don't like feeling cross examined about everyone I know

if you let the game come to you rather than you trying to force the play, it might work better

just my thought, not meaning to offend

 

[saymyname]

Ugh. But I really don't cross examine him about everyone he mentions. It's just that it was pretty obvious that he had something with this guy and that's maybe why he was asking so different. In fact, the more advice I read from you guys, and the more I back up from the situation and look at it objectively, I realize sure, I did some things wrong, but so did he. If you're hanging out with a guy that you know likes you and that you've reciprocated some interest in too, you might want to tell him that the guy you're meeting tonight is an old friend that you used to date, at the very least. I don't think it was fair of him to just expect me to be okay with the awkward treatment and obvious imbalance... and that was only like, the second guy I've asked him that kind of question about. The only other time (that I can remember) that I asked him is about the guy that we met through, because that's a friend of mine and I didn't want to try and get with him if my friend liked him too.

 

[altlover85]

Hmm. I found out tonight that when he said I was "boring" with my questions, he probably meant more like "blase" "heavy" or "annoying" because he's from France and that's how they use the word boring in translation, or something. I wonder if maybe I should just apologize for being too annoying with questions about his past. That sucks if I ruined it over that. But he could be a little bit more open and communicative. I have a feeling he's kind of weird like that. He doesn't explain how he knows people. If he mentions someone, instead of explaining who they are, he'll say "you don't know him." He also goes by a fake name and won't tell people his real name, he only goes by the name his modeling agency uses.

Yet, I'm annoying for asking things about his past/trying to get to know him. I think he just has issues. Hmm.

I've read some of your other threads and you seem to have the same issues over and over again. You seem to attract guys that are uncommunicative and you obsess over why they aren't meeting your needs instead of just moving on and finding someone that is more compatible.

You guys aren't even dating yet. It shouldn't be this much work.

Ugh. But I really don't cross examine him about everyone he mentions. It's just that it was pretty obvious that he had something with this guy and that's maybe why he was asking so different. In fact, the more advice I read from you guys, and the more I back up from the situation and look at it objectively, I realize sure, I did some things wrong, but so did he. If you're hanging out with a guy that you know likes you and that you've reciprocated some interest in too, you might want to tell him that the guy you're meeting tonight is an old friend that you used to date, at the very least. I don't think it was fair of him to just expect me to be okay with the awkward treatment and obvious imbalance... and that was only like, the second guy I've asked him that kind of question about. The only other time (that I can remember) that I asked him is about the guy that we met through, because that's a friend of mine and I didn't want to try and get with him if my friend liked him too.

You aren't even dating and you are already thinking he is doing something wrong, but yet you're still interested in pursuing him. He doesn't owe you anything because you aren't dating. He's clearly a jerk and you should move on.

Why do you want to waste time with this guy?

 

[aijalon18]

I mostly blame the idiot guy. I think all the questions were b/c he didnt make an effort to properly introduce you and make you feel comfortable by being attentive and inclusive. But he doesnt need to tell you a guy you are meeting is his ex or anything. Your are not his man at this point. That's really not your business. So you are right it is a little bit of both of you. But imo mostly him.

 

[saymyname]

I think both of you guys raise very good points. Altlover, just to answer your question, it's quite simply because I just have a crush on him. I find him alluring. He's also painfully beautiful. He's quiet. Sweet at times. He intrigues me. I can't rationalize why I have a crush on him, I just do. I would like to think that I don't inherently attract uncommunicative guys, that is kind of scary. Why would I attract them to me? How would one do that? What other instances are you referring to? The last guy was definitely like that, but he had all sorts of ex issues and all my friends pretty much told me he was flaky. Maybe it's not that I attract uncommunicative guys so much as I continue to pursue them to despite their inadequacies? Saying it that way makes me feel a little less defective. But I guess that's because by the time I realize they're sketchy or playing mindgames, I already like them... you know, I can get a crush on someone over night. But yeah, maybe I should start being a little bit more on guard, and not such a sucker for insanely good looks... I think it's also because the game works on me a bit: if a guy DOES act a little distant when I'm into him, I tend to become more curious about him...

 

[altlover85]

I would like to think that I don't inherently attract uncommunicative guys, that is kind of scary. Why would I attract them to me? How would one do that? What other instances are you referring to? The last guy was definitely like that, but he had all sorts of ex issues and all my friends pretty much told me he was flaky. Maybe it's not that I attract uncommunicative guys so much as I continue to pursue them to despite their inadequacies? Saying it that way makes me feel a little less defective. But I guess that's because by the time I realize they're sketchy or playing mindgames, I already like them... you know, I can get a crush on someone over night. But yeah, maybe I should start being a little bit more on guard, and not such a sucker for insanely good looks... I think it's also because the game works on me a bit: if a guy DOES act a little distant when I'm into him, I tend to become more curious about him...

I don't think it is anything you consciously do. I think it's just an aspect of guys that you might like because you like the game a bit, as you said in your post. I wouldn't get overly worried about it, just be aware of it.

The other instance I'm thinking of was the time when you were talking to us about your ex. The one who was very uncommunicative and not very emotional.

I'm glad you are getting something out of my advice.

Relationships and dating can be tough.

 

[saymyname]

Oh, I kind of see what you mean, but my ex is just another situation entirely. He wasn't always uncommunicative, that was more towards the end when he strung me along for a few months when inside he knew he loved me but wasn't sure he wanted to be with me but told me for months everything was fine when it wasn't. He is rather emotionally immature though. I dunno, that was a year long relationship, this guy I've known for a week... totally different situations in my head. But the same idea could apply: don't pull so much when people push away.

I think it raises some interesting questions though. I'm a really emotional, sensitive, artistic kind of guy, so I'm really really attracted to guys that are a bit more pragmatic, rational and level headed. Fuck that turns me on. When my chemistry mixes with someone like that it's neat. I think if I went for other guys that were creative and emotionally fluid, there would be no tension, sexual or otherwise.

Thank you for the thought provoking ideas.

 

[altlover85]

No problem!

I think it's just a matter of finding someone with the right degree of rationality combined with emotional maturity. I'm sure he's out there.