Is it a bad idea to become friends with an ex?

[confus]

My ex bf and I met up the other night and we talked for a few hours. He wanted me to blow his dick but he said we couldn't have sex. I just rolled my eyes at that. We started talking a little bit and caught up on things. Apparently he and his current bf have been together for a year now, which is weird because he and I were together a year ago and we were together daily. So I'm not sure how that happened. He told me all about his bf, their recent move and how they've been living from one hotel to the next. He talked a lot about his bf. He told me that they have their good days and their bad days. Then we talked a bit about old times and had a few laughs. He went on to say that he misses having someone to go kayaking with. And once he gets his own apartment, he said I should come over, hang out, go to the beach and go kayaking and fishing together. He said that his bf isn't really into outdoors stuff. He kept playing with himself but I distanced myself from him to show that I wasn't interested. While we were talking, I started thinking about what I was going to say to him and that I wasn't comfortable having sex with him because he has a bf. I just wanted to hang out and talk.

For a long time after he and I broke up, I wanted to be friends with my ex bf again. I prayed and hoped for it. But now that the opportunity has come up, I suddenly don't feel so thrilled with the idea of it all. I did feel a bit hurt hearing him talk about his bf but it didn't really bother me as much as I thought it would tbh. I also feel a little bit confused because way back when we broke up, he said he wanted nothing to do with me ever again. But now he seems to be backing down on that.

I think back on all the things he put me through when we were together and I just get angry with him and think, "why would I want anything to do with him?". Then the other side remembers all the good times and how we had almost everything in common. We got along great as friends before we were in a relationship. He was a good friend but not a good bf. I have cut him out for the most part and I am allowing him a second chance but should I do that?

 

[62624rd]

you can be friends but leave the sexual stuff out of it.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's the wrong question in this context.

You've moved on and you could be just friends. He's hasn't moved on and seems to be more interested in getting his dick sucked than in being your friend.

P.S. And he's a cheater. It's a bad idea to become friends with this ex.

 

[agayguy]

If he will cheat with you, he'll cheat on you! Evidently he did.... You can do better!

 

[pausanias_usa]

If he will cheat with you, he'll cheat on you! Evidently he did.... You can do better!

That's only if he wants to get back together sexually.

If friendship was the strongest part of the initial relationship, I say give it a try. Yes, ignore the sexual stuff (which might be hard to do, initially).

Some of my best friends are my ex-bfs. Others, I actively avoid

 

[Seasoned]

It seems as though he's going to keep pushing sex on you. You're not responsible for keeping up his fishing and kayaking. I've never understood the ex as friend thing, but if it's something you'd like to try with him, I'd say hold off until he no longer sees you as a cum rag.

 

[mcbrion]

If you were truly friends then - and not just two guys who were interested in the sex and the "having a boyfriend" mind state that happens all too often in both the gay and straight world - does the same integrity exist now? It doesn't sound that way from what you convey to the board, and you say he treated you poorly.
When "treating someone poorly" is part of a relationship, especially in the beginning - where so many exude the false hope that the person will magically "change" over time - it is unlikely the person has the ability to truly be a friend. And a relationship that does not, at its very base, have a solid foundation of friendship? It was built on a house of illusions. So you need to think back and see if he was truly ever your friend, and if he was, and if you can JUST be friend - meaning, keep your hands off him ALL the time, then the friendship was just in a waning phase, and now - perhaps - it can exist. But you've already listed red flags all throughout your post, so think carefully before you act here.

 

[jaysizzles]

Well, I was wrong in my advice in your previous thread about this guy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he told you he didn't want to cheat on his current bf. Now he asks for a bj?! He doesn't want to be friends, he wants sex. I'd steer clear of him...he'll keep screwing you over and playing with your emotions. You say you don't want to hookup with him, but you never know...there may be a momentary bit of weakness on your part where you succumb to his advances.

I will admit that some exes can remain friends...I've seen it happen. They both have to be sure that they didn't work as a couple. In your case, I'd let this ex stay in the past. You can't trust him.

 

[mcbrion]

I see I didn't answer your main question. Yes, of course it's possible. My lover and I parted ways as lovers after 11 years back in 1988: we didn't stop loving each other, though (but completely non-sexually, of course). We had been running a business together and we continued running it together, much to the amusement of the gay employees, who kept telling me I was "still married" to Ben. I wasn't, but they couldn't recognize that you could maintain love without all the bile and unhappiness many people have to go thru. Ben remained my best friend, and even became my 'family' (although I had a great relationship with my 'real family' who were all on the East Coast - I was living in San Francisco the last 25 years of the past century).
AND, I always brought the guy I was dating at the time to meet him, to see if he thought the guy would be good for me.
So, of course it's not a bad idea to be friends with an ex. Assuming, as I said before, there was a genuine friendship to begin with. But if it's been filled with lies, mistrust, betrayals, and other toxic elements, separating for a while, maybe a year - without contact - is the best path. It can be hard to untangle the emotions when people see each other after a divorce (as is evident when one reads the news) and constantly come into contact. It just reignites the wounds.

 

[confus]

I would like to leave sex out of it while he's in a relationship with anyone. But I don't know how he'd feel about that. When we met up the other night, he didn't mention anything about me sucking him off, but he did keep playing with himself. And it's like I said, I positioned myself to show I wasn't interested and I think he got the idea, but I'm not exactly sure. When he left, he said he'll see me later and he'd be back in town next week.

But this man, he cheated and lied to me and apparently to his bf. He hurt me and it took a long time to get over him and I have adjusted to not having him around anymore. What might happen if I allow him back into my life again? I might be allowing him to hurt me again.

Back in October, he said he wanted nothing to do with me ever again and he'd cut me off. But I'm just confused as to what he wants exactly. Does he miss me? I guess I am open to being friends with him but I'm not sure how to go about it. Lately, he's been the one making all of the initiations. Should I be doing anything else? Neither of us have each others phones numbers so we just message on Facebook. I haven't messaged him or added him as a friend on Facebook though I have considered it. I'm not sure if I just sit still and leave things be. I just wait for him to make all of the moves now.

 

[TX-Beau]

You've started two other threads about this guy, what has changed?

 

[DarkHelios]

If you don't want to have sex with someone and they start playing with themselves, tell them. Don't just change your position.