Is it easier for men to come out as gay than as bisexual?

[Krakenbwool]

From what I've observed, it seems so.

When a man comes out as gay, it's all yay and rainbows (in a politically-correct climate, of course).

When a man comes out as bisexual, people assume he's a self-loathing gay man who is not ready to come to terms with his sexuality and is sexually insatiable, has no standards, spreads disease, etc.

And furthermore, are there some self-identified gay men out there who are actually closeted bisexuals, but view acting on those urges as taking a step back into the closet?

Thoughts?

 

[blackbeltninja]

I agree, for the most part.

Additionally, I don't think the straights out there really appreciate the concept of being bisexual. They've got used to gay through mainstream media and gay characters on TV and whatever, but there aren't too many bi people who are that loud about it and I'm sure for the man in the street the idea is still kinda murky and hazy and not fully understood.

The anti-bi thing we see from so many gay guys is baffling, though; particularly in here. I know many of them stopped at bi in transit to gay, for whatever reason, but that certainly doesn't mean that we're doing the same thing. Even more baffling is when you explain that and the gay guys still don't buy it.

-d-

 

[Seasoned]

Let's say that sexuality is on a continuum with 1 being 100% gay and 100 being 100% straight. Since most people fall somewhere between those extremes there exists the possibility of a lot of bisexuality. I think the bisexuals may actually have some difficulty with self identification and self acceptance. Being honest with a partner that identifies as gay or straight is also difficult due to the uncertainty that that would cause for the partner.

Some of us, like me, identify as gay nut were married to women and may have children. Some of us, like me, said we were bi in order to ease our families and friends into acceptance. Therefore, when we, myself included, hear bi we think scared gay guy.

When I really think about it a bona fide bisexual must have it tougher. Any partner who also wasn't bisexual, it seems to be, might be worried about losing their relationship to both same sex/opposite sex potential partners. A truthful bisexual would seem to be on shaky ground

 

[Jacquemar]

From what I've observed, it seems so.

When a man comes out as gay, it's all yay and rainbows (in a politically-correct climate, of course).

When a man comes out as bisexual, people assume he's a self-loathing gay man who is not ready to come to terms with his sexuality and is sexually insatiable, has no standards, spreads disease, etc.

And furthermore, are there some self-identified gay men out there who are actually closeted bisexuals, but view acting on those urges as taking a step back into the closet?

Thoughts?

WOW. This is so antithetical to my experiences with bisexuality that I don't know where to begin picking it apart...

I've NEVER heard of coming out as gay being celebrated with yays and rainbows. Usually it comes with hardship, ostracism by friends and family, and many other horrible things (though for some it's easier than others).

There are definitely gay people who are prejudice against bisexuals, but the stereotypes listed seem to me to be more prevalent among straights than gays. They're always willing to think of guys-who-like-guys (whether or not they like girls) as being sexually insatiable; but we aren't. We're just men being men.

I really don't believe at all that there are many self identified gay men who are actually closeted bisexuals. I've been living amongst gays and bisexual men for almost 15 years and most bisexuals I've known are adamant that they aren't gay. I'd say it's more likely to find a bisexual pretending to be straight or a gay pretending to be bisexual (because it still contains some "normal" feelings and behaviors).

Having said all that, I still believe that it's easier to come out as gay than as bisexual. There are so many women that are totally afraid of bisexual guys (my previous boyfriend lost three recent girlfriends, each when they found out he was bisexual). And I think appreciation for bisexuals among gay men really varies. Some feel like he's closeted and self loathing, others feel as if they've converted a straight guy which gives them a high.

However there have been periods and places in history in which bisexuality has been idealized (from Rome to 1990s Hollywood), and being bisexual was thought of as being Epicurean. In the 1990s, every friend I had was bisexual, and it seemed pretty easy for them (check out those great Gregg Araki movies).

 

[theplayerking]

Gay guys love hooking up with bi guys. If it's just a hookup, I don't think most guys care if you're bi or gay. The problems come with dating. Frankly, this is an understandable fear. Relationships are hard enough without adding another layer of complexity.

 

[TobiasKardashian]

I personally think it's a lot easier for gay men to come out as 'Gay' than it is for Bisexual men to come out as BI, When a gay guy comes out as gay, people know where he stands with his sexuality. But when a Bisexual guy comes out as BI people are somewhat confused about the situation - at least from what I've witnessed. I think it's them trying to wrap their heads around that Bisexual men prefer both genders!? I don't think a lot of people can deal with that Idea. I'm 22 years old (Almost) and I have been sexually active since I was 14, I identify myself as Gay, and all of my sexual experiences have been with ''Straight/Bisexual Guys'' I have never once been with an open gay guy. I don't look for straight/bi guys they just find me.

But it always seems to be on the DL Aka Down Low!.. Which is very frustrating at the best of times. I feel ready for me than that now. But I totally agree with you there! I think & have witnessed a few occasion's where it has been extremely hard for bisexual men to come out of the closet.

Great post guys I completely agree with most of your points.
And this is my first post EVER! haha

 

[hotstuff22]

I disagree. When I came out, I came out as bi before I admitted that I was gay. For me, it was easier for people and myself to believe that I still liked girls.

 

[TobiasKardashian]

I totally agree with you there. I think that's been the process for a lot of gay men, because it was the case for me also & a lot of other gay people I know. But the Bi men i've encountered have never wanted it 2 be known by others that they are. They've always been in the closet as to who they are. Wanting to keep things on the 'down low' because of fear of what their straight friends would think of them, which is understandable in some cases.

 

[Krakenbwool]

I've NEVER heard of coming out as gay being celebrated with yays and rainbows. Usually it comes with hardship, ostracism by friends and family, and many other horrible things (though for some it's easier than others).

Sorry, I meant that it is generally easier for liberal society to accept and understand a man being gay than bi. Obviously, coming out in a bigoted environment would be a pretty difficult experience either way.

I totally agree with you there. I think that's been the process for a lot of gay men, because it was the case for me also & a lot of other gay people I know. But the Bi men i've encountered have never wanted it 2 be known by others that they are. They've always been in the closet as to who they are. Wanting to keep things on the 'down low' because of fear of what their straight friends would think of them, which is understandable in some cases.

See, that explains a huge misconception that many have about the nature of coming out. True, many men who initially call themselves bisexual to "ease" their way into their true sexualities later come out as full-on gay, BUT people have to realize that a lot of men who are truly bisexual prefer to completely stay in the closet as "straight."

 

[chiboi15]

OK I'm going to jump in this one and say hi. I am a bisexual who A: is more gay than straight (I'm probably about 85% gay) and B: in the gradual process of coming out (I'm out to a significant portion of my close friends; not out to family and not out at the workplace). Nat'l coming out day coming up woot.

Most of the people I'm out to I've come out as bi to, but I did come out as gay to one of my straight friends--she actually is very gay friendly but she was trying to get me to hit on this girl who I had NO interest in so I told her I was gay and she was like "OMG I'm so sorry I need to be more sensitive about that." But now I feel bad b/c I'm not completely truthful w/her. But at the same time maybe I should just leave it as that for now b/c I'm gay enough that if I say I'm bi it makes it confusing?

Though I've never had a problem accepting myself for who I am, I've found my own sexual orientation to be quite confusing even to me, and it has taken a long time to learn and understand. From oh I really like her a lot I could so see myself to settling down w/her to OMG I want to f%^k the s%^t out of that guy. And there really isn't adequate nomenclature, in that if I say I'm gay that's not exactly true b/c I occasionally do want women. But if I say I'm bi that communicates a message that's not exactly true either in that it implies I'm much more into women than what I actually am.

I have absolutely no true desire to "stay in the closed as 'straight.''' And I am gradually coming out to people I know, but it's a process and each person has their own different understandings and perceptions, and obviously in some cases prejudices.

Nat'l coming out day is soon; and I want to work on a plan to:

* meet more gay/bi people
* come out to more of my friends, particularly ones who live farther away
* continue to shed out of my life people who will not be supportive/who won't accept me for who I am
* decide whether or not it is even necessary to come out to my very conservative and homophobic, but sweep-things-under-the-rug-and-play-nice, family
* learn how to appropriately manage my identity in the workplace.

Thoughts, comments, advice, etc are all the more welcome. Thanks!!

 

[shahmask]

hmmm, reading all these posts is actually kind of surprising to me. maybe it's where i live and where i went to college, and where i work that is the problem. i graduated in 2000 from high school. there was an openly bi guy and an openly gay dude on our football team (though the gay one ended up saying he was bi and is now married to a girl with a kid). this soccer hottie was openly gay. cutie on our golf team was bi. our class council president was openly bi (he just got married to a girl last year). our salutatorian was dating the 7th in our class. i went to college with both of them. where was a i going with this?

i have a female rep at work that like girls more than guys but likes both and worked at another store with a girl that was also bi. my brother works for the same company and he has worked with several other bi and gay ppl.

i went to school here at UT in austin. had classes with countless gay and bi guys and girls.

my brother has 2 best guy friends, both identifying themselves as bi, though one like girls much more and the other likes guys much more. which is pretty sad for me. i don't have one gay or openly bi male friend. all my guy friends are straight. wtf! lol

so, i guess i just don't have the background or experience to understand how or why it'd be harder to come out as one or the other. i totally wish i was bi. girls love me. though, i haven't totally excluded the possibility of hooking up with a girl some day. atleast i don't gag anymore when i think of pussy. lol

 

[ayesinwi]

All I know is that I am actually bisexual, and I don't even want to tell my family and friends that. I truly find some women sexually appealing and beautiful, with awesome personalities, and fun in bed.

I also think that some men have awesome personalities, are fun to talk to and to hang out with and are sexually appealing.

I don't really have any gay or bi friends that aren't women, although I have known a few men in the past who were gay or bi but they never were open about it (at least with me) until months or years after we met.

EDIT:

I know that the entire reason for me not wanting to tell my family is because my father's side is very catholic and my mother's side is very... I guess judgemental and/or exclusive to opinions different from their own. I'm already the black sheep on both sides of the family for getting caught stealing when I was twelve, doing drugs through my teens and young adulthood, and being a big partier.

Also if I hadn't heard the terms faggot, chicken fucker, and queer come out of most of their mouths in reference to the LGBT community when there was something on the news or something like that, I would have been more inclined to tell them years ago. I think that a couple of them have caught on, I've even had a couple ask me, but it's easier for me and for them to just tell them that I'm straight. Sounds bad, like cowardice, but I just don't know how much more of their opinions I'd be able handle without expressing my appreciation for their simpleness in a very bad way.