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Is it hard to coming out?

LilVirgin

LilVirgin

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okay so i think i know why i had a shitty day yesterday, i have nightmare about of being who i am and the people around me wouldn't accept me like my family and friends (well don't really have friends)... anyway it's eating me up i want to tell my family that i'm gay but i'm way too scared to do it... just a question was it hard for you coming out?

thanks for the help
 
It's a band aid, you just have to rip it off.

Yes it was hard but the hardest part was excepting it myself. If you think your family wont disown you and you'll be safe, then do it. In the long run you'll wish you had.
 
yes, it was hard for me to come out. that said, when i did, everyone was very accepting of it, and im very happy that i did. i think we all have those same fears, whether they're rational or not.

i see you live in toronto, that's good. i was just down there (i live faaaaar far up north from toronto) a week ago, and i renamed the eaton center 'gay heaven.' toronto's a very diverse place, a lot better chance that people will be accepting of it there, plus gay guys are literally everywhere in that city, so hopefully the people around you are accepting.

my advice is always to come out, it was the best thing i ever could of done, and i know a lot of guys say the same thing.

but if you dont mind me asking, how old are you?
 
pai mei said:
yes, it was hard for me to come out. that said, when i did, everyone was very accepting of it, and im very happy that i did. i think we all have those same fears, whether they're rational or not.

i see you live in toronto, that's good. i was just down there (i live faaaaar far up north from toronto) a week ago, and i renamed the eaton center 'gay heaven.' toronto's a very diverse place, a lot better chance that people will be accepting of it there, plus gay guys are literally everywhere in that city, so hopefully the people around you are accepting.

my advice is always to come out, it was the best thing i ever could of done, and i know a lot of guys say the same thing.

but if you dont mind me asking, how old are you?
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i don't mind at all i'm 21 but i'm too chicken to do it though and what if i made a mistake?](*,)
 
Accept yourself. Some people will love you always, and they are your friends and family. A few will not accept you, and you will realize they never were your friends to begin with.

The only reason someone will not accept you is if they thought you were someone that you are not and they do not like the truth. If they don't like your truth, your identity, enough to cut and run, you need to let them go anyway.

Being gay is not a bad thing. Its just a reality.

Never pretend to be someone you are not. It gives you nightmares, buddy.
 
LilVirgin said:
i don't mind at all i'm 21 but i'm too chicken to do it though and what if i made a mistake?](*,)
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what mistake can you make?

look, you're on JUB, so i'm guessing you KNOW that you must be at very least bi. i'm guessing you've accepted that much internally, and especially if you're wanting to come out. that's half the battle, and for me, that was 90% of the battle.

so here's the thing, you're 'chicken,' and you don't want to make a mistake, and what not. that's fine though. so you're afraid. so? i was afraid, i was f-u-c-k-i-n-g petrified of telling someone, anyone that knew me personally. you know, the very first person i told, i told face to face, and it was my oldest friend, (i decided i wanted to do it face to face) so i had texted him and told him i needed to talk to him about something serious. anyways we met up at his place, and i just came over and started talking to him. i pretty much just told him that i had something to tell him, and after telling him like 3 times how nervous i was, i just said it.

you can still do this even if you're 'chicken,' and i know you can because i was the exact same way. so here's what you do, you start thinking about a setting where you want to tell whoever it is you want to tell. maybe you want to be alone with someone and tell them, ok, so where are you one on one with this person? maybe you want to tell your parents together, (if they're still together) ok, so where/when can the three of you sit down and talk? visualize where you want to tell them, and then make sure you get into that situation, and then say that you need to talk to them about something. that's what i did.

yes, it's scary, but you can do it, even if you're petrified of doing it. anyways, when i got back from my friends house, the first guy i told, i was literally shaking afterwards. i shook for like 20 minutes, i dunno if it was adrenaline, or whatever, but yeah, i was definitely scared.

so what mistake could you possibly make? do you think you're gay or bi? if you think you're bi, dude, there is no mistake lol. you're on jub, you definitely love dick. :p and if you are bi, it wont matter if you later go after a girl, or whatever. if you come out as bi, and it turns out you're gay, you can slowly get more comfortable with the notion of being fully gay, and slowly start identifying yourself more often around others as gay, if asked.

i say make a plan in your mind how, where, and when you want to do it, and then make sure you're in that situation you want to be in where you can tell someone. anyways, that's my advice, i hope you are able to come out soon enough.
 
thanks for all the advice guys @Pai mei:
i'm trying to visualize the situation while i'm asleep like in a dream but suddenly kind of turn into a nightmare i really don't know how it does that wow life's fucked up sometime but i'll try to tell it though hopefully soon enough:S
 
One of the biggest things wrong with our world is that a normal alternative to heterosexual orientation is treated by some as an illness or aberration. What a horrible shame for those of us who just want to fit in and are afraid to be different. I could have experimented in college but was too scared. I got married to a woman and had two kids. Over the course of 14 years I developed more of a need to explore who I was meant to be.

I ended up divorced. I have been in a relationship with my partner for almost 28 years and have had a great life with some pretty rough spots.

You will need to make your own decisions, but you must believe you are normal because homosexuality is the normal orientation for a minority of people since the beginning of time.

You need to live your life honestly or you will become emotionally diminished. The sooner you can put a genuine smile on your face the sooner you will begin developing into the person you are meant to be. Good luck to you.
 
It's easier to come out if you feel like you'll be accepted. If that's not the case, then it's natural to be scared or nervous. But you'll need to be really strong and confident to pull it off - and only you can decide when you're ready.

Unless you have really open minded friends, your family is the best place to start. Since they are the ones closest to you, it will lift a considerable weight off your shoulders.

I came out to my sister, my mother and my father in the span of a week. It was the hardest with my mother, who took it very badly, but it turned out that I was stronger than I thought. I guess when you decide you need to do it, the strength comes from within.

After the family, it gets much harder. I, for one, am not out to all friends and colleagues. But I don't think you should feel bad for not being out to them. Live your life and let the rest figure it out on their own, that's how I feel. And again, only you can decide when you're ready.
 
it wasnt easy for me at all. I was scared to death but just couldn't hide any more. I was so tired of lying and faking who I was. Once I made the decision to come out I just decided to do it and get it over. My parents said they had known for a while and were just waiting for me to say the words. 2 of my brothers said they didnt believe it but it didnt matter to them and they still loved me. my third brother couldn't have cared less. most of my friends said it didn't matter and treated me the same. a couple of them kinda pulled away and I dont really miss them.

its difficult but once you open the door and step out it feels like the weight of the world is off of your shoulders. you can be yourself and not have to hide. it doesn't mean you have to scream "I'm GAY" to everyone in the world. I pick and choose who I decide to tell. However it feels really good to be myself. if people have a problem with it thats on them.

your the same person you have always been. your just deciding to be who you really are.

good luck and remember your not alone. we've been there and will be here to help if we can.

Steven.
 
Are there reasons why you think your family will take a badly?

But yeah, it was hard coming out, but it was mostly due to unfounded fears. If you have a strong relationship with your family, then they should be able to look past it. You're still the same person, perhaps a little moreso now that you've come to terms with yourself.

And look on the brightside, you're in Toronto Canada, so chances are acceptance won't be far away.
 
LilVirgin said:
i don't mind at all i'm 21 but i'm too chicken to do it though and what if i made a mistake?](*,)
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All I can say since all the other good advice has been used up.

Don't be like me, I was around your age when someone already outed me and I had no choice but to come out. I was forced out of the closet as you can see. I didn't have a choice of when to come out and how to come out, someone out there just did it for me and it hurt me a lot in the end.

Tell the people you want to tell, don't tell some random stranger who knows of ways of outing you. I learned from my mistakes and I will never tell people my secrets, it can be hard coming out but it all depends on your situation.
 
I think it's only necessary to come out and 'shout out loud about being gay' if gay guys are unfairly targetted or discriminated against on the sole purpose of being gay: And that's still the case, so coming out isn't it about being easy or difficult.

It's about it being necessary to your very own mental health and psychological survival.

Otherwise other people will always treat us like shit for being gay, because being gay will always be this 'weird otherness thing.'
 
For me, it really wasn't. I think a lot of people have hard times with this but I had friends there, they were all attending lgbt meetings with me (my cousin's idea) and then one day we all decided to come out as bi. I eventually told everyone I was gay and it really wasn't hard for my mom to understand after the initial shock (I'm actually surprised she was surprised) and everyone that knows now accepts me for who I am. So I can't say that it was hard for me because that'd be a lie. But I didn't have strict religious parents looming over my every move that if I had also come out to, would have kicked me out on my ass. So Anchihiro has a point. Make sure that your parents won't kick you out. If you are in school, just wait still. If you are not and can afford a place of your own (or are already out on your own), then slowly ease into it, one person at a time. :)

Good luck! :king:
 
The correct response to a human being is: "You can hate yourself all you want, but I still love you anyway because love is inside me. I hope you can do the same for me! I don't need you to be happy to be happy. I don't need you to like yourself so I can like myself. I love prideful gay man and I love self-loathing gay man." =)

All the preaching of self-love that gay guys do but it's all theory and no action. If you really believed in self-love you'd do it yourself as a gay man and not tell others to do it. You'd be such a shining star example that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to hate ourselves.

It's more like something inside you that you want yourself that you're projecting onto other gay guys. I don't care if we're all self-loathers, we're all in this together regardless!!!
 
thanks for all the help and advice guy's, really appreciate it... god i have this huge pressure on me now.... fuck:( i want to cut myself and all that but i know it sounds so pathetic (and very EMO)... but i won't do it... because there's like this voice inside me to not do it... i want to tell my dad first but i don't know how he will take it... recently he fights and shout with my mom and i don't want to put pressure on him and stuff like that... god FUCK!!!! i want to cry but it won't let it out.... how can this happen to me all the sudden:(!!!
 
First off, make sure you know yourself before letting others know about you. It's so uncomfortable trying to come out if you don't have an idea of who you are. Try, stay strong and don't let anyone put you under for being gay.

Personally, for me, it was an awkward situation. My parents knew I was gay, but failed to really admit it to themselves until I told them.
 
booyoshi said:
First off, make sure you know yourself before letting others know about you. It's so uncomfortable trying to come out if you don't have an idea of who you are. Try, stay strong and don't let anyone put you under for being gay.

Personally, for me, it was an awkward situation. My parents knew I was gay, but failed to really admit it to themselves until I told them.
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i'll try to stay strong, i keep having those nightmares when i'm sleeping if my family would accept me or not or just throwing out of the house right now i'm not even going to college and don't have a job so i guess now don't have a fucking clue what to do...

if anyone is interesting of talking to me about my situation i would like to chat on msn...
 
I did it spontaneously. Just come out and do it, don't think about it. If you let it fester you'll become depressed and all wonky in the head. I wouldn't bother worrying about it. Just do it and deal with the possible repercussions. If people aren't willing to accept you, they aren't worthy of your time.
 
I too am 21 years old and slowly coming to terms with my sexuality. I want to tell someone, a close friend or family member I'm gay, but right now is not the time. You will know when the right time is, and it could be unexpected.

I am currently in college and I can honestly say it has helped me learn to accept my sexuality, progressively. I joined a frat, to gain the male friends I never had, and it's caused me to realize how gay I am haha. Honestly, I am worried some of them will not be comfortable around me due to my sexuality; if they aren't oh well it's their loss. If those you decide to share your sexuality with are your true friends they won't care. Those who push away from you aren't comfortable with their sexuality or just ignorant imo.

All the advice that has been given in this thread is extremely helpful to you and myself as well. What you really need to do is stop worrying. The more you worry the longer it will take for you to come to terms of being comfortable with your sexuality. I know its hard but you have to do it for your own health.

What really helped me is continuing to come to JUB and post any frustrations and fears I may have and I was always responded with excellent advice. I don't have MSN but you are more than welcome to message me and I can provide you with my email address and we can talk more.
 
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