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Is it just about the physical aspect?

C

Cirdan

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I'm new to the scene. I think I'm bisexual but I'm not sure. I'm seeing a therapist, and we're having good talks.

I'm still kind of on the outside looking in going "I don't unnerstand" I guess I'm trying to figure out what I "want" exactly. All I know is that despite living in a house with 6 other people, and having contact with other people on a daily basis, I feel so fucking alone right now.

I have images of walks in the park, star-gazing, lying in bed...with a guy.

One thing, which is probably the result of years of porn (which I'm trying to break free of), is that being gay seems to mean you have to look like a god, and fuck around with 30 different guys.

While I'm sure I could go with that, (and actually, I would like an awesome body while it's easy and I'm in my prime) I don't think it would satisfy me. Honestly, I just want to be close to someone who isn't trying to one-up me, or put me down, or putting themselves down because "they're not worthy" etc. Sex symbolizes a "oneness" with someone that I think I've lacked for most of my life. So when I see forum posters, highly sexualized avatars, and tons of "flings", I get kind of depressed.

Now, my logical rational side is saying "what you've seen is only a slice" of a larger community.

But that community seems kind of quiet. All I hear is "oh he's so hot, look at his pecs, look at his dick" and I get worried. Don't get me wrong, I love good looking people, but we don't stay young forever. We're gonna get old and flabby. Will the relationship still be there?

(*8*) would be enough for me, but everyone seems to just want :sex:

I want depth. And meaning.

Does that exist in the gay/bi community?

There just seems to be an enormous emphasis on physicality. I mean jeez, just look at the ads on this site. My deeper animal is saying "YES" and my deeper human is saying "Yes, but it's not eNOUGH". Don't get hurt again! I don't want to be alone.

Great tag BTW, "closet case" is moi. :rolleyes: :cry:
 
With all honesty, it really is all about a certain mind set. Sure, to fall in love with a guy there has to be some sort of physical attraction between the two of you, but there has to be more then that. A lot of gay guys do like to focus on their appearance (I personally wouldnt want to date a slob either).

You just have to figure out what kind of guy you like (both physically and personality) and seek someone with those qualities. Reckon it will take a little "playing the field" to figure out what you like. You are always gonna hear from guys (gay and straight) how hot someone is. That's just a guy thing.

There are ALOT of gay guys out there that want more then just sex and there are plenty here that will tell you that. It is just a matter of finding them. Unfortunately if you are just trolling the internet for guys, that is alot of what you will see. CL is a perfect example.

Thats my two cents on the issue.
 
maxpowr9 said:
CL is a perfect example.
Click to expand...

What is CL?

And you're totally right. That's what happens when you browse tons of imagery etc. I guess I have myself to blame for that.

I guess I just wanted some reassurance that there was a happy "middle ground" where, YES: You could be attracted physically, but ALSO spiritually/emotionally etc

Reassurance people! (*8*)
 
Yeah, I gotta agree that there has to be some physical attraction, but my guy doesn't have to look like a god or anything. In fact, if I really like a guy's personality, they'll start looking more physically attractive to me because of their personality (and it works the other way too if I don't like their personality).

BTW, CL = craigslist. I went on there once and eww.
 
Stay true to the way you feel, Cirdan. You sound like you have your shit together and know what you want. I agree with you, i prefer a real relationship. I love sex more than words can say, but i need more than that. A part of me would love to fuck around with as many guys as possible, but i also know that it would never satisfy me. If you want to find a guy who is more than a quickie, don't go looking in bars or online.
One reason you feel alone and depressed is because you are comparing yourself to other people. Don't waste your time. Just be yourself, and a worthy guy will come along. Even if it takes years, it's worth the wait.
 
I don't know where you live, but perhaps there's a "gay" section of town.
Go there.
Not to the dance clubs, but to the coffee shops, the grocery stores, the restaurants.
Look at the couples there.
You'll quickly get the picture that no, being hot is not a prerequisite for being in a relationship.

If you hang out at the meat markets, yes, most people there are going to be looking for something hot. You said yourself you'd like "an awesome body".

But that's normal, especially when you're younger. As we get older (and wiser), we start looking for more than just a cute face.

Will you find someone to settle down with? Only time will tell. But there are enough success stories, here and elsewhere, to make it seem that it's at least a definite possibility.

Ten years ago, I'da told you "my type": tall, dark, somewhat muscular, long hair, clean shaven, music fanatic. And then I met a short, pale, roundish, bald, bearded guy who couldn't care less about music. And I'll be damned if I didn't fall in love. :)

Lex
 
Cirdan said:
One thing, which is probably the result of years of porn (which I'm trying to break free of), is that being gay seems to mean you have to look like a god, and fuck around with 30 different guys.
Click to expand...

Dont worry, not everyone is like that.
 
Oh yes, 'depth' and 'meaning' DOES exist in the gay community. Being gay isn't all about having a ripped and hot body, being promiscuous, and all that. Come one, the straight boys and girls have that trait too - they go out to bars and hook up with random people, they prefer perfect bodies to those not so perfect ones, the list goes on.

Granted that there are many gay guys out there who wouldn't touch anyone who has any less than a six-pack or a tool any smaller than whatever, and there are guys who would screw you around but genuineness amongst gay is underestimated. I believe that there are just as many real people out there if not more than those superficial ones.

I was very self conscious about myself for a long, long time. I ain't perfect and I sure don't 100% fit the gay stereotype of being all that good looking and stuff hence I would not have dreamed of having a 'model like' guy to like me. Guess what, it happened. It was short lived but it wasn't because of my looks or anything, it was more because of deeper issues between us. He had the perfect looks that would remind you of any of those stars you see in those twink porn. He was all that but more. He was genuine, he was real and he wasn't a slut! He ain't with me no longer, but since him, I have met more guys nowadays and have started to appreciate that gays are humans, and there are beautiful people out there.

I haven't had much luck in finding a soulmate just yet, but I'm sure you will, in time. So peace out!
 
You make three observations
and ask three important questions about being gay.
First, you notice that a lot of gay people on JUB seem to
have a life of promiscuity and disconnected sexual encounters.
This is true for some. But if you look more closely you will notice that many of us are partnered, and some for many years. I have been for 17 years. No promiscuous sex is not the hallmark of being a gay male.

Second, Gay chatter is sometimes about various parts of a man's anatomy. Oh, another size thread. Are you uncut? I like to top.
The chatter is a large group of people probably having an open discussion of what has been on their minds for years. To judge us by the chatter is to short change us. No, gay males are more than cocks, ball, dildos, and whatever you can name.

And finally you say you long for depth and meaning. Those are the very bulwords of good relationships and circles of relationship. May I suggest you sound like if you met the right man you could settle down and enjoy a long term relationship. That sounds good to me.
Many of us seek and value the same things. You are in good company here. I hope this helps you to set aside depression and to be more self-assured.
Shep+
 
I guess you should look at it this way:

As a bisexual guy, what do you feel you want when you're looking at a girl? As a guy, there's a seemingly more honest sexual aspect to everything. Then apply that to the bi/gay community. They're more or less the same. Instead, you have less of a dynamic of difference between what men want and understand and what women typically want and understand. You're dealing with guys who more or less want what you want as a guy. It can be comforting because you get a situation where most of the targets of your attraction understand the same aggressive sexuality that you do. Some are all about sex, some aren't and some are evenly balanced. At the bottom of it, though, most gay/bi guys are looking for the same thing as any straight girl or straight boy--someone to love and who loves them and someone to share their lives with.
 
Love is love. It's universal and I think it doesn't bend its rules when it comes to love between gay couples and the "normal" (stereotype) love between a man and a woman.
 
This thread is really heart-warming, it saddens me to see the talk of a topic that is always dogged when homosexuality is being projected in the media.

It's a stereotype that maybe everyone thinks, I know I have, and I wish and hope people will change their minds.

Love is the most important part of living, and I know physical attraction is only there for a short period of time, it's just a way of getting someone's attention. Afterward, it's the person inside you get to know, and that's the person you fall in love with.

I wish I had known that before, otherwise, I would have gladly said "I'm gay."

It just took a while to realize that being gay wasn't about gay sex, but about finding someone you love (it just happenes to be a man), just like mostly everybody else.

I don't even care about appearance as much as I care about how long I can talk to someone, I love long conversations and discussions and disagreements, it makes a relationship better. Just knowing that other person has a mind, other than when to work out next, or no carbs, it satisfies my heart.
 
well, I can say that up until around 6 months ago, i was exactly like you. bisexual, but I always felt that if I wanted a "family" relationship, I'd need to go with a woman.

SO i met this guy, about 6 months ago, and all I could think about was getting with him (i had never been with a guy before this).. so i started talking with him,and I got to know him.. now I feel terrible for just wanting sex when I first saw him, he is a wonderful person, and I could just hold him all night w/o the sex. I fell in love HARD :D
 
Well, here's what I've found....

Generally, the club/bar scene is very superficial. It's all about looks, what a guy is wearing, his hair, face, body, etc. So you're not totally wrong. But I've also found a number of guys who are in serious relationships and they are not like that at all. I think the same principles apply in the str8 world really.

Now, how do you make the jump from a gay bar to a relationship... hell if I know. I find both worlds but I haven't the slightest clue of how to get from one to the other. If you figure it out, let me know.
 
please dont' forget that JUB is a porn site.

It's not a dating board.

Yes... gay men are the same as straight men.. some just want sex and some just want love and commitment.

Some want both.
 
jockboy01 said:
Well, here's what I've found....

Generally, the club/bar scene is very superficial. It's all about looks, what a guy is wearing, his hair, face, body, etc. So you're not totally wrong. But I've also found a number of guys who are in serious relationships and they are not like that at all. I think the same principles apply in the str8 world really.

Now, how do you make the jump from a gay bar to a relationship... hell if I know. I find both worlds but I haven't the slightest clue of how to get from one to the other. If you figure it out, let me know.
Click to expand...
The "scene" may be superficial, but that doesn't mean that everyone you see there is like that. Don't confuse what people do (once in a while) with who they are.
 
A few points:

First, porn is not real life. It's designed for sexual fantasy first and foremost.

Second, the gay world is big and varied. There are certainly trends and stereotypes which may be widely true. However, in the end every gay (or bi) guy has to find his own place in gaydom.

Third, you're gay (or bi) because you have a physical and emotional interest in other men, not because you're similar to other gay (or bi) men in cultural ways such as dress, mannerisms or how you date. A subpoint to this is that for a lot of gay or bi guys, physical desire is more quickly apparent than emotional desire. Often times, it's a lot easier to look at porn and realize it gets you hard than it is to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man. Getting to know other guys interested in guys tends to help with this.
 
Finding a guy who wants more than sex is like finding a needle in a haystack. There are guys out there who want an honest, meaningful relationship that doesn't involve looking like Brad Pitt but love just isn't that simple. I wish it was but it isn't. There are millions of guys in this world, one of them is bound to want something special with you. Put yourself out there and show everybody what you want. He'll find you.
 
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