is it possible to date guys while still in the closet?

[RukkuS]

**Is it possible to date guys while still in the closet?**
sorry typo...

So i'm 21 and still very much in the closet. Mostly because I am stubborn, but also because of family and security issues. Just because im in the closet doesn't mean that I havent already fully accepted myself for who I am. I am very much aware that I am gay and am perfectly okay with it. The people around me will have major issues as well as my family and until I am financially secure enough to support myself when they (or if they) make me move out, then I am going to hold off on letting them know.

Anyways, it's a total bummer because I've never been with a guy, never touched a guy or kissed a guy in my life. I've never even been able to talk to a guy and trust them enough to say that I am gay outloud. Social networking sites don't work for me because that involves exposing yourself in pictures etc., along with gay clubs and activities. Maybe I am just dumb, but I haven't been able to find any local online chats where I can talk with people without having to show my face. I always hear you guys saying you met guys online and stuff, but I don't understand where? I also live in a smaller town in the middle of no where so theres the same 3 local gay sluts on every dating dot com around. Everybody else who lives in my town is afraid to "out" themselves as well, so looking for gay myspace profiles is worthless because only 2 show up.

I guess i'm trying to get the best of both worlds and trying to please everyone, but it sucks being stuck in the middle. I'm definitely not a bad looking guy. I have no problem getting chicks when I go to local bars...it's just that they aren't what I am looking for

anyways, if I found a decent guy that I trusted, I'd have no problem being out with him. But the struggle to find somebody I trust and find somebody in general without outing myself is pretty complicated. Although, I've read a couple posts on here about the relationship being strictly discreet and both of you are in the closet...how does something like this come about? How the heck would you meet another dude who's in the closet or at least in the same situation as me?

 

[eat-my-goal]

Re: is it possible to guys while still in the closet?

in your situation I would probably say no because how are you to meet possible boyfriends?

 

[G-Lexington]

Is it possible? Yes.
Is it difficult? Oh yes.

After all, how do you let a guy know you're available and interested if he doesn't know you're gay? Giving out that information in any way, shape or form automatically opens yourself up to the possibility that others might find out. Also, dating a guy while in the closet sends a couple messages. It suggests to your boyfriend that you're ashamed of him, and don't want anyone to know that you're getting physical with HIM (as opposed to any other guy). It also suggests to the world that there's something wrong with what you're doing. Whether or not those are messages you intend to send, they get sent regardless.

So your best bet is hooking up with somebody who is ALSO in the closet, who will more readily understand what your situation is. How do you find them? Google "gay meet (your city here)" and see what happens.

Lex

 

[Ramindra]

Re: is it possible to guys while still in the closet?

In today's world with its more accepting attitudes, many people have no problem opening the closet door and emerging as themselves into the bright light of society.

In days gone by, this was not always the case. For some, it was dangerous - they were bashed and even murdered. For others it meant being totally ostracized by friends and family. Many gays were fired from their jobs. They became pariahs.

Despite this, many lived productive and satisfying lives. They had partners, often called "friends". They met socially as gay groups, and drank at gay bars. They had good, well-paid jobs. They just didn't tell the world they liked guys. Believe me, there were just as many gay guys around before all this coming out business started. Admittedly, some may not have been as happy and some really hated living a double life.

Many of the problems in the past dark days and night were associated with the closetted person's belief that they were "different" and perhaps unworthy, they they were an abomination before God. In today's world and with your self knowledge, these things should not be a factor in your life. As you say, you have accepted and are happy with your sexual orientation.

I suppose what I am saying is that you can have what you want without climbing the local cell tower and telling the world. Follow your instincts. You will one day want to tell those people who care to you but in the meantime, live YOUR life.

I wish you well.

 

[ks110x]

I understand your situation since it seems pretty similar where I was several years ago. My family was really well known in our small city so coming out to anyone at all would have pretty much been equivalent to taking an ad out in the paper proclaiming my gayness (which mentally I wasn't prepared to handle). I knew and accepted that I was gay but I also knew that remaining in the closet would bring an increasing amount unhappiness and probably a long spiral into actual depression. Remaining alone for the foreseeable future also wasn't a pleasant prospect.

It turned out that the solution, thankfully, presented itself. I work in our family business and I was one day given the option of moving to Chicago to work in another department by my father if I so desired. It didn't take a lot of thought to come to a decision on that one given the life I would probably end up living if I stayed so I took the new job. That turned out to be the best decision I ever made, I was able to start somewhere I have no history or anything else hanging over me. Having tons of cute (and definitely gay) guys around certainly didn't hurt my love and social life.


I do suggest, if practical financially and career wise, moving into or at least closer to a large city. Once you do it is up to you to get out there and meet people but it is definitely worth it IMO.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I'd very much agree with ks^^^^.

Coming out in a small town with very few openly gay people around will do very little for your popularity, to put it very mildly.

Equally so, you first and foremost want to make sure that your well-being and financial security are by no means endangered by any coming out on your part. First things - first.

Furthermore, you want to make sure that you understand that 'coming out' by no chance really means that you'll now easily find a partner to be happy with and/or even only have sex with. Many guys make that 'beginners's mistake' of equalizing their coming out with improved chances to date and become more popular. At times, if not always, actually, your general popularity may even suffer.

Just like ks, I see the core of your problem being 'the small town environment, in the middle of nowhere'. This is what you want to leave behind you as soon as possible. Small towns can be a paradise for raising kids, enjoying your retirement age or even writing books on gardening or anything else for that matter.

A young gay dude is pretty much better off in a major metro area with all the good and the bad sides of the life in the big cities. There seems to be a large agreement on that one.

So, try to get going...

SC

 

[RukkuS]

I'd very much agree with ks^^^^.

Coming out in a small town with very few openly gay people around will do very little for your popularity, to put it very mildly.

Equally so, you first and foremost want to make sure that your well-being and financial security are by no means endangered by any coming out on your part. First things - first.

Furthermore, you want to make sure that you understand that 'coming out' by no chance really means that you'll now easily find a partner to be happy with and/or even only have sex with. Many guys make that 'beginners's mistake' of equalizing their coming out with improved chances to date and become more popular. At times, if not always, actually, your general popularity may even suffer.

Just like ks, I see the core of your problem being 'the small town environment, in the middle of nowhere'. This is what you want to leave behind you as soon as possible. Small towns can be a paradise for raising kids, enjoying your retirement age or even writing books on gardening or anything else for that matter.

A young gay dude is pretty much better off in a major metro area with all the good and the bad sides of the life in the big cities. There seems to be a large agreement on that one.

So, try to get going...

SC

Thats the plan! I'd like to get out as soon as possible. Not just so I can jump in the streets and yell "im out!", but moreso because a young guy like me needs to be in a city with better job opportunities and life experiences waiting for me. Although, moving to a big city is expensive and that, just like everything else in life takes a lot of pre-planning, savings, and determination. Soon I will be out and on my own, but sometimes it feels like it's not soon enough. I guess I just gotta wait it out and keep reminding myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[RukkuS]

Where do you live, RukkuS?

come on now...do you really think I am going to answer that question after reading my post? California - Central coast area.

 

[jojo84]

I'm in the same position you are. I can accept for myself that I am attracted to men, but because of where I am in my relationships with other people I am not ready to come out. Being able to find some one to trust and share conversations with about these feelings would be so great, if it wasn't so difficult to feel confident in confiding in someone else.

Also I am currently at a very conservative school that would not be the best supportive community for me to be truthful in. While there are gay people on campus and even an anti homophibia group, I still can't bring myself to be fully connect with these people to come even slightly out.

I think it would be awesome to find a guy that is in my same position, share these struggles and support each other in embracing who we really are. Unfortunatly, so many of these online sites are so focused on hook ups and random sex that I just get dissoullusioned.

So I guess this doenst really help, sorry for that, but I can empathize and offer my support to you.

My only advice would be to be yourself, don't compromise who you are for anyone or anything and everything will work out.

 

[MrCreative]

The first boyfriend I had was still in the closet. When we were in public during our really short-lived relationship..he would never treat me like his boyfriend and would ignore me and talk to my friends instead. If you can be with another guy that is closeted as well, then I'm sure it could work.. :]
-Schuyler

 

[screwnutty]

It just takes a guy that cares for you and is understanding. Most of us have been were you are and if there's a *click* between us then I pretend to be whatever he wants to be if it makes him happy and I'm happy!

That's all that matters in the end. Happiness!

 

[DeMan06]

I think it would be really tough.

I was in the closet until a few months ago. Then I met my current BF and that all changed. He was out, but fine with me being in the closet. However it turned out I wasn't fine with it. It felt like an injustice to him, like I was ashamed of him when I definitely wasn't.

Also, with me "disappearing" from my apt regularly my roommates started asking questions as to "where I was going" all the time. I refused to outright lie and just dodged the question for about 3-4 weeks until they cornered me and forced me to come clean (well, 2 of the 3 did, i purposefully excluded the 3rd as I didn't know him that well and didn't think he would handle it)

In your case you don't have roommates but you do have parents whom you live with. Something similar may happen to you. Admittedly, you can lie about it, but you may eventually find yourself caught up in a lie. Also you'll have to decide if you're really OK with hiding your relationship. I found I really couldn't do it without feeling like a jack ass, even though he said it was OK.

anyway, hope my perspective/experience helps you a little.

 

[TomahawkEagle]

It's next to impossible to do that. I was in the closet up until 2004 in uni. Before then, only some of my high school mates knew. It was a bit obvious given that I like to hug guys whenever I can.

I've wasted my youth hiding in the closet. Then again, I felt insecure about coming out in the first place. So it's one or the other I guess.

 

[Leavemealone]

man.
i know how u feel.
im in the same situation as you, i feel your pain.

 

[RukkuS]

Good point, TomahawkEagle, if you stay in the closet, you might accidentally out yourself in another way.

What will you do then, RukkuS?

are you chastising me?

 

[TomahawkEagle]

Good point, TomahawkEagle, if you stay in the closet, you might accidentally out yourself in another way.

Actually I did out myself by making a joke about me looking up Asian gay porn. But it's been good that I outed myself even if it was accidental though I still have reservations about who I tell.

 

[Temp756]

I'm in a similar situation. I'm a college student at UCR and I haven't done anything with anyone. I'm in my last year and I feel like everyone I know has done something. It's not like I have to do anything but I'm afraid I'll end up the 40 year old virgin. I've had a few options with women but they weren't the women I really wanted. Besides, I'm more attracted to guys. I don't think my parents would cut me off, but it would be a huge heartache for them. My mom has asked if two of my friends are gay (which they're not, to my knowledge) and told me to stay away from them because they might make me gay. My guy college friends all use gay slurs and I'll feel a bit strange around them if they found out. I've been looking on craigslist for over a year and have never done anything. It's interesting reading all the things people do though. People from the soccer team have posted and sadly some people post to make rent. I'm also scarred of STDs. There are so many of them.

I don't know if a discrete relationship would work but it would be better to have something over nothing. And if I really felt something, I believe I would have the courage to come out. I've always wondered what a real relationship would be like.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

No, that's once you come out. Now you are in California - Central coast area, Closet.
Get out of there. It's a waste of time.

Last time I heard they weren't stoning gays to death in California.

Maybe they are stoning gays. There are closet cases in West Hollywood; if it's not stoning, it's burning at the stake.

 

[xic55401]

i am in the same situation as you are...
i am bi - more attracted to guys, though. However, I was married for 6 years and that makes it harder since my ex and I have an excellent relationship. We had a bitter-sweet divorce and I am afraid that my coming out to the rest of the people would jeopardize the relationship. Besides, she will probably think that I was lying to her all this time. I wasn't.
I am terribly afraid to meet a guy online or at a social event and have people think that i 'might' be gay or bi or something. I don't know how i am feeling that way. I cannot even buy porn, toys, etc. at the sex shop in case I find anyone who knows me or I think all the time: oh god, the guy at the register will think that I am gay....
Horrible situation. I haven't found a solution yet.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

i am in the same situation as you are...
i am bi - more attracted to guys, though. However, I was married for 6 years and that makes it harder since my ex and I have an excellent relationship. We had a bitter-sweet divorce and I am afraid that my coming out to the rest of the people would jeopardize the relationship. Besides, she will probably think that I was lying to her all this time. I wasn't.
I am terribly afraid to meet a guy online or at a social event and have people think that i 'might' be gay or bi or something. I don't know how i am feeling that way. I cannot even buy porn, toys, etc. at the sex shop in case I find anyone who knows me or I think all the time: oh god, the guy at the register will think that I am gay....
Horrible situation. I haven't found a solution yet.

Yeah, heaven forbid that someone would even think that you are bi? Even though you are bi? What a tragedy, that's possibly one of the worst fates to have in this world.

The solution is to get over what other people may think. Remember, other people have lives too. Everyone is not concerned with your life because they are concerned with their own lives.

If you are truly that daunted by the thought of anyone finding out that you have an attraction to men, your other solution is to stick to women. There are many men who are bisexual, but stay on the heterosexual track despite their homosexual desires.

I'm sorry if I came off too harshly.