Is it possible to turn your "feelings" on and off for someone....?

[G-Lexington]

>>>Personally, I think I would want my fiancee to get these feelings out of their system before I was to marry them.

Well, sure, you think so now, because that would involve you rolling around in the hay with this guy. But say you started dating a guy, who had this female friend and he admitted he had "feelings" for HER. Would you encourage him to go have sex with her, in an effort to "work through those feelings"? Even if it meant there was a chance he decided that he preferred the woman?

This guy has told you the deal. He's marrying this woman. In short, he's choosing her over you. He'll allow you in his life, but only where it's convenient. He'll maybe sneak around with you, but his priority is with her. You'll have to decide whether feeding on the crumbs of this guy's attention is better than getting the full loaf from someone else. I'd like to think you deserve better.

And whatever you do, don't lay this all at the feet of "that woman". It's just as much his fault as hers.

Lex

 

[huhu123]

This guy has told you the deal. He's marrying this woman. In short, he's choosing her over you.

I don't think it is that simples.
He might me choosing "society" or "normality" over him, but not necessarily the woman.
Anyways,it is still his choice.

But with the other part I must agree, when/if he marries her, you'll never get as much of attention,love,etc as you would like.

 

[paboy67]

hey mate,
you are just going to have to live with it and wait and see.

he isn't gay ? mmmmmmm.

isn't interested in other guys but has feelings for you

and to top it all off, is engaged - to somebody who wants him to go to church more to repress/remove his feelings - oh shit, like that is going to do anything for him.

he has to travel his own road and make his own decisions.

and maybe when he has gone down the road a little he may actually (from the sound of it) make the right decision for himself, by that time, it might be you

but let me ask you, what are you going to do in the meantime? - sit around and pine for him?

i think you just need to take what he is able to give you - and if that becomes physical, hey lucky you. If it is just mateship and platonic, you will just have to settle for that. Like Lex said, it could just be crumbs - so long as you know that and accept it - and make sure that you are OK about it. Think Brokeback Mountain.

what you shouldn't do is pin all your hopes on him - he may never get through his own issues. Get out there and live your life and if you find someone new that you have a connection with - go for it.

you could eventually end up with this guy in your life, but you could also miss out on Mr Right by pinning all your hopes on Mr Engaged (later Mr Married with kids) who never comes out.

I have been thru this - married 8 years (and yes, she was a total bitch - and I knew this before the wedding but repressed it and told myself things would be better - they weren't. Have been out of the marriage from hell for 6 years now - have a fabulous 6 year old daughter (do the math on that one) and a wonderful male partner - about to hit our 5th anniversary (which somebody told me in a gay relationship is deserving of rubies - we shall see!) Can't yet get married in Oz because we aren't allowed to - it would jeopardize the straight marriages somehow???

To summarize,

respect his feelings and where he is on his journey.

take what you can get if you can be satisfied with the crumbs - even after he is married (there are a lot of married men who are terrified of their gay lover's power over them!!)

get on with your life - and don't miss the woods for the tree!!


you never know, the man for you could be just around the corner as he was for me,
or you and this guy could end up together in 20 or 30 years - when he has done his straight stuff and is ready to come out - it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship

keep him on the back burner as a potential fuck buddy - it can't hurt!

hey, have you tried getting him drunk and letting him make the first move???
alcohol does loosen straight boys inhibitions!
(ok, that was bad. I am supposed to be an Agony Aunt and I am advising you to get him to shag you - shame on me!)

keep us posted

xxxxx

 

[StlKj]

His future wife is a fool. Not for the reason you think, however. You believe she is a fool for telling him to shut it down, turn it off, move on. I believe she is a fool because she actually thinks he can do so. She is marrying a man who will eventually cheat on her physically with another man. It will happen. That other man may or may not be you, but it will happen. And she now knows it, and is going to marry him anyway.

He's already cheating with you on an emotional level as it is. He's also working both of you against each other, and trying to keep both of you as well. She just happened to find out about his feelings for you? Um, yeah, right. How exactly did this happen?

This man is a disaster for you as long as he continues with this charade of a marriage. You are falling in love with him, or already are, you work with him, and he has you dangling on a string. He might not be consciously doing so, but it's the end result anyway. If you don't do something to protect your heart more, you're going to end up being devastated. And if you don't want to be devastated, whatever you do, don't have sex with him.

Good luck. If he wants you to have sex, you will. After all, you didn't write asking us to help YOU turn off your feelings for HIM. You're already in too deep.

 

[paboy67]

Huhu is right - he is choosing society and "normality" - whatever that is - as I did.

Killjoke is right too - if you haven't got your head together over this and made sure that you are emotionally protected, you will end up devastated whether you guys get together or not. And hhis fiancee is a fool - the only way she can have found out about his feelings for you is if he told her - have you asked him why he did this? Unless she is pretty desperate to marry him, I can't see why she would have copped this kind of 'revelation" during their engagement - and not thrown his ring back at him - no pun intended.

 

[StlKj]

She ended up reading his text messages to me one night when he was asleep. That is how she found out. He told her we were just playing around with each other and that is all it is. Later he told her that he could not lie to her and told her he did have feelings for me. And all of this has happened in the last couple of months. they have ben engaged for over a year now.

Yup, she's a fool. Poor fool. This whole situation has disaster written all over it.

Protect yourself, blue.

 

[paboy67]

hey ole blue eyes,

glad you are around this morning - well it is morning here in not so sunny Sydney Australia - where are you located?

bitchin - why didn't he delete texts? - dumb, or wanted to be found out.

silly boy.

this is getting worse - now she is reading his text messages - this is not a good start to their relationship - maybe he and she need to be on this forum?

I bet she woke him up pretty quickly once she read them.

the year long engagement really doesn't make much diff - as Killjoke said, he will cheat on her one day - and she will keep suspecting and checking on his texts emails etc.

to quote from Oklahoma (cos I am a show tune queen) - "what ya gunna do?????"

 

[BluesDog]

your friend may not think that he is gay, but his fiancee sure seems to have her suspicions. ... this will not end well for anyone unless he is honest with himself, with her and with you.

 

[josher]

I agree with most of what has been said above.

Particularly: If you were in a commited relationship with a guy, and he told you he had an emotional and sexual attraction to a woman he worked with, how much time would you want him to spend with her?Would you care that they took a lot of "alone time" together?

There will be people at JUB (often people who've cheated on wives/girlfriends with a guy) who'll say it's no big deal to do so.

But it is a big deal. His fiance may be a fool or just deluded, but she is his fiance. And unless the engagement is broken, it's cheating, if you two become sexually involved.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey blueeyed...

Welcome to JUB mate!!! Its great to have you here!!!

To me the issue is not you... nor is it his fiancee. The issue here pure and simple is your friend.

He needs to make a choice... its not an easy one for sure but its one he has to make. He has to either stop lying to himself and his fiancee... or he has to make a conscious decision to live a lie for the rest of is life. And as plenty of people who visit these boards regularly know, that really leaves him with only one choice... to stop lying to himself.

Just as you cant help but have feelings for him, feelings that you cant control, neither can he control what happens in his heart or his head. Its virtually impossible for someone to simply shut down emotions... if they do they usually end up hurting themselves and everyone around them.

Your friend needs to look deep into his heart and find an honesty that going to cause some short term pain for him. He's going to have to admit that he's very likely bi or even gay and let the others in his life - especially his fiancee - deal with it. If they walk away that will have to be the price he pays for the truth... not an easy thing for sure. But the harsh reality is that right now his life is at a point where the consequences of his actions are very real and greatly affect other people... you included.

His fiancee is naive as the very least... but maybe hopelessly in love at worst. She is hoping things will work out. My guess is that in the long run they wont... but by entertaining this thought your friend is going to hurt the very people he loves.

I feel for him blueyed... hes found himself in a place of confusion and denial. Hes found himself in a world of hurt.

For you... you can either be the villain or hero here... a choice you neither wanted nor deserve... but thats the sad truth until your friend sorts himself out. You can either walk away with your head help high knowing that you didn't contribute more than you had too to hurting others... or you can make your friend face the truth... and deal with it.

Your posts show a genuine loyal guy who's falling in love. Its a beautiful special thing blueeyed... but please be careful. You're in a situation beyond your control and one that can cause you a world of hurt... the last thing you deserve.

Perhaps its time you and your friend had a very real honest and sincere discussion. Its time for you to protect your heart and for him to look deep into his.

 

[KaraBulut]

Reading through this thread, I could not agree more with the advice you have been given.

Part of being a grown-up is that you have the ability to make a total mess of your life.

Unfortunately, when you make a mess of your life, you can also make a mess of other people's life. If they allow you to, that is.

This guy has issues and is making a mess of his life. And look at what he's doing to you- and to his soon-to-be wife. There's going to be a lot of bystander wreckage before it's all over with.

But you are the one that is letting him mess up your life while he messes up his own life.

I could tell you to "Run, run like the wind" but I'm not sure you will follow that advice. I think you've got a lot of hurting in your future unless you get yourself out of this situation.

 

[texan_slant]

OK - your friend can't be straight and have feelings for you. He's justifying the fact that he is gettting married by saying that he's straight - yet doesn't have the balls to come out or back out of his marriage!

Everyone has given you good advice here. Understandably, the fiancee is angry. The ball is in your friend's court.

 

[rareboy]

He's queer as a 3 dollar bill; his fiancee is an idiot.

I would stand back and avoid both of them if I were you.

 

[paboy67]

hey dude,
are you listening to these guys????

if you check out the ages of the guys that have bothered to respond to you we are all pretty much old enough to be you father!! - which is pretty sad - sorry.

you have a lot of guys who care about your situation giving you advice - ultimately it is up to you to make our own decisions.

the whole situation does have disaster writte all over it - for all concerned - but you really do have to be concerned with yourself.

if I were you I would, as Tallguy suggests above, sit down with your mate and have a serious frank discussion with him - maybe even have him over and show him these posts - and tell him that you can't put yourself in a position where you are going to be damaged - and then leave it up to him to have the balls to be honest with himself and his fiancee.

you have to protect yoursef - and be true to yourself - and if it all falls apart - as it probably will between your mate and his fiancee - that is thir problem not yours.

caring deeply as we speak - take very good care of yourself dude - and please do keep us posted.

and again, what you gunna do?

xxx

 

[dalton41]

Since she knows and it is obvious, she can't be trusted (reading other people's text messages???) and still wants to marry your friend, it would be very wise for the three of you to talk otherwise as all of the posters stated, this will not end well.

For starters, your friend needs to determine exactly what he wants, it takes two to get married and if they do, it won't last long. They need to communicate with each other and after that, the three of you need to get together and work this out. This will not be good and some body will get hurt.

 

[breatheH20]

I'm in the same situation.. I spent the last week trying to remove the feelings I had (or still have) for someone...

I like my roommate, really only on a sexual level; I've been in a relationship for the last 2 years, but I still wanna see this guy in the sack..

It's pretty hard, and everyone I asked said it's almost impossible to remove your feelings for someone...

Logic definitely takes 2nd place to emotion...

A guy told me this much.... Think of a fat woman who decides to go on a diet... Her diet will consist of healthy foods and NO dessert...

What do you think will happen? She will want dessert more than anything....

I don't know if that helps...

It's up to the guy, plain and simple, which is hard... since you 're kinda stuck until things sort themselves out.

 

[kayman23]

blueyedguy75, I recently just dealt with a situation very similar to yours. The guy was very much having an emotional affair with me and he is also deeply in the closet about his sexuality, but he would flirt with me all the damn time. He has a girlfriend that doesn't even acknowledge as "his girlfriend", but she on the other end is extremely clingy and possessive as with your situation. He has shown all signs that he has feelings and cares for me, but he won't had the balls to break up with his girlfriend either. She already knows that he doesn't want he and seems to always gravitate towards homosexual or bisexual men, but she holds on to him because he is seems to be her only social outlet in life (as she doesn't have her own friends) only common ones with him.

I've taken the advice that rareboy has given and stay the fuck away. Yeah, you might feel hurt and a desire to talk to him at first, but then you realize this person is tagging you long for their own emotional sustainability. You can still be his friend, but one that keeps their distance for it will only hurt you more if you don't.

I've done the same, and if he wants me in the future he will come to me, if not, oh well. I'm staying focused on me.