Is it worth it to be friends?

[hackingnomberr]

So this incredibly cute guy messaged me on Grindr and we talk for a bit, exchange numbers, etc. and eventually he decides to tell me he has a boyfriend after I'm already interested in him. Well anyway we had already decided we'd hang out so we do and we have a good time and get along really well. I'm still relatively closeted and have no gay friends so I guess it wouldn't hurt to make one, however I'm not very interested in crushing on some guy I can't have.

This guy still wants to hang out with me and be friends, but I'm still unsure as to whether or not it's healthy for me to put myself in this position. So overall I'm wondering should I continue being friends with this guy or is the situation too hairy? I'm not in need of anymore friends since I hardly have time for the ones I already have.~

Sidenote: He's made it pretty explicit he's committed to his boyfriend and I respect that, although in the back of my mind I'm obviously gonna want their relationship to crash and burn so I can swoop in like a vulture.

 

[looseliam]

You've nothing to lose, really. Go meet him. If you just don't feel any sort of connection, move along. On the other hand, you could be meeting a potential good friend with good-looking, single friends.

 

[AstareGod]

I agree with looseliam above. I don't know about your particular situation, but the type of work I do, as well as changing residence to another state about a year ago, has severely limited my ability to go out and meet people. I would kill to be in your situation.

Never turn down a potential friend, as long as everyone is honest and up-front with each other. He sounds like he told you he was in a relationship as soon as the subject came up, and continued to tell you he was committed, so he's obviously setting some boundaries, which is a good thing. Boundaries let everyone know what is and isn't acceptable within the context of a friendship or relationship. And as looseliam said above, this new friend may have other single friends you can meet.

 

[Seasoned]

The two of you met on Grindr with different intentions. Based on the tone of what you wrote I wouldn't pursue this.

 

[Benvolio]

You can never have too many "incredibly cute" friends. Meet him, by all means.

 

[hackingnomberr]

Oooo I wrote this pretty poorly, I did meet him and it was fun, but didn't change my opinion on the situation. :S
Also, he's new in town so he has no cute friends to hook me up with. u.u

 

[Scealle]

Its always a good thing to make new friends. Even better if they are gay and even better if they are cute

 

[Spiff]

People use Grindr to just meet friends? Oh man, am I out of the loop.

 

[Rolyo85]

I have made awesome friends on Grindr. For example, I just moved to Chicago, and for the first night I crashed at the place of a friend I'd made on Grindr. The next day he drove the U-haul truck to my new place (I can't drive ^_^) and helped me move in.

I don't go on Grindr with an agenda, and this is the best way to get results. If you go looking for a boyfriend, you'll get played. If you go looking to fuck, you deny yourself the chance of making real connections. Grindr is not a hook-up or dating app, it's for networking. You choose what you use it for, and the less of a goal you have, the more you will achieve.

As for the crushing - be smart. The mind IS actually capable of keeping our so called "feelings" in check, and you can just NOT fall for the guy, knowing from the get go he is unavailable.

Gaining a friend is worth it even if you don't reap any "benefits" from it. You're being overly and unpleasantly cynical at the moment, and that quality won't disappear when the other guy is actually single. Work on that.

And PS - come out.

 

[Rolyo85]

No... I'd say about 1% are looking for friends. The rest are looking for "friends"

And I don't trust anyone who has a bf and is still on grindr. In my experience they're either in an open relationship or there's some issues going on.

Way to stereotype people. I've not gone off Grindr since getting it a year ago. I've been in a committed relationship for most of that time. Please explain to me what my issues are.

 

[AstareGod]

I was in a relationship for about 10 months with a recently-out guy who still maintained accounts on Grindr, A4A, and Manhunt (and probably a few others I didn't know about). I never heard of any of these apps or sites before I met him, but I quickly found out what they were all about. It was a tremendous source of stress in our relationship, which eventually led to its demise. I caught him sending messages to some of these guys when he and I were in a monogamous relationship. It was very unsettling and destroyed a lot of the trust I had in him.

Sure, they are all tools for people to meet one another, but I think most guys use it to meet other guys strictly for casual sex and hooking up. My ex said he only maintained his accounts in order to meet friends, but the messages he was sending out to these other guys said otherwise.

A little disclaimer though: this is just my personal experience. What happened to me may not necessarily be indicative of everyone, but I'd say it's good reason to proceed with caution with any guy in a relationship who maintains accounts on these "hookup" apps or sites.

 

[hackingnomberr]

I was in a relationship for about 10 months with a recently-out guy who still maintained accounts on Grindr, A4A, and Manhunt (and probably a few others I didn't know about). I never heard of any of these apps or sites before I met him, but I quickly found out what they were all about. It was a tremendous source of stress in our relationship, which eventually led to its demise. I caught him sending messages to some of these guys when he and I were in a monogamous relationship. It was very unsettling and destroyed a lot of the trust I had in him.

Sure, they are all tools for people to meet one another, but I think most guys use it to meet other guys strictly for casual sex and hooking up. My ex said he only maintained his accounts in order to meet friends, but the messages he was sending out to these other guys said otherwise.

A little disclaimer though: this is just my personal experience. What happened to me may not necessarily be indicative of everyone, but I'd say it's good reason to proceed with caution with any guy in a relationship who maintains accounts on these "hookup" apps or sites.

Yeahhh, I think him being new in town though excuses him a bit more, he did kind of realize that it wasn't really working out and deleted his Grindr apparently anyway.~
Also, I'm not the one that has to proceed with caution, a disaster would end up in my favor, as bad as that sounds.

How long have you been in a relationship?
What does your bf think of it?

Grindr is a hook-up app. I can show you hundreds of articles saying so. I've had it for years.
So why would someone be on a hookup app? That's like having a profile on adam4adam, manhunt, etc. Hey people find friends on those sites as well but at the end of the day, it is what it is.

Now maybe you and your bf don't have any issues. Not sure what your situation is. However, I think most people in healthy long-term relationships don't have a need for a hook-up app.

Mmmm, let's not get in an argument or judge people.
I would say the app is what you make it. I've seen guys advertising new stores they've opened on it, got Comic-con tickets through it, made a friend apparently, and haven't hooked up with anyone(yet).

I have made awesome friends on Grindr. For example, I just moved to Chicago, and for the first night I crashed at the place of a friend I'd made on Grindr. The next day he drove the U-haul truck to my new place (I can't drive ^_^) and helped me move in.

I don't go on Grindr with an agenda, and this is the best way to get results. If you go looking for a boyfriend, you'll get played. If you go looking to fuck, you deny yourself the chance of making real connections. Grindr is not a hook-up or dating app, it's for networking. You choose what you use it for, and the less of a goal you have, the more you will achieve.

As for the crushing - be smart. The mind IS actually capable of keeping our so called "feelings" in check, and you can just NOT fall for the guy, knowing from the get go he is unavailable.

Gaining a friend is worth it even if you don't reap any "benefits" from it. You're being overly and unpleasantly cynical at the moment, and that quality won't disappear when the other guy is actually single. Work on that.

And PS - come out.

Haha, working on the coming out part, as of now it's kind of on a need to know basis, I don't really benefit from telling some people but others can actually talk to me on another level, are more supportive of things, etc.
You're probably right I can probably keep my emotions in check since I'm a cold person overall. c:

The two of you met on Grindr with different intentions. Based on the tone of what you wrote I wouldn't pursue this.

This is true, my main issue is I feel as if I'm morally in the wrong for not necessarily wanting the best for him(wanting his relationship to crumble and fail), what kind of friend does that? Haha.
But at the same time I don't feel that bad because that's of no concern to me and as long as I don't push for it I shouldn't feel guilty.~

Thanks for all your insight guys! =]

 

[Rolyo85]

How long have you been in a relationship?
What does your bf think of it?

Grindr is a hook-up app. I can show you hundreds of articles saying so. I've had it for years.
So why would someone be on a hookup app? That's like having a profile on adam4adam, manhunt, etc. Hey people find friends on those sites as well but at the end of the day, it is what it is.

Now maybe you and your bf don't have any issues. Not sure what your situation is. However, I think most people in healthy long-term relationships don't have a need for a hook-up app.

Grindr is NOT a hook up app. You can find me any number of articles saying it is, but that's simply because that's what the majority of people use it for. Let's look at Manhunt, Asshole4Asshole and the likes. What sort of fields do you fill there?

A lot of physical data - body type, waste size, body hair, dick size
HIV status
Scene
Sex role
Sexual acts you're interested in

Now what does Grindr let you put in?

Age
Relationship status
Height
Weight
The things you can be looking for are all innocent, the most "hardcore" of them - "relationship"


Do I seriously need to explain the GLARING difference? Grindr is a tabula rasa - an app for networking with other gay men. What you want to do with it is your business. Obviously, with all the "down low" closeted bullshit, the majority of homos would use it for anonymous sex. But is it designed for that? Hell no. All the others you mentioned are better equipped to deal with a hook up. So please don't tell me what Grindr is, because calling it a "hook up app" is about as accurate as saying "gays are promiscuous". There's truth in the statement, but that doesn't make it true.

As for my relationship, it's been nine months now, and going strong. He is also on Grindr. Neither of us is looking for sex there. We use it to chat with people we've already established friendships with, to meet new people, and for casual flirting. Which leads me to...

I was in a relationship for about 10 months with a recently-out guy who still maintained accounts on Grindr, A4A, and Manhunt (and probably a few others I didn't know about). I never heard of any of these apps or sites before I met him, but I quickly found out what they were all about. It was a tremendous source of stress in our relationship, which eventually led to its demise. I caught him sending messages to some of these guys when he and I were in a monogamous relationship. It was very unsettling and destroyed a lot of the trust I had in him.

Sure, they are all tools for people to meet one another, but I think most guys use it to meet other guys strictly for casual sex and hooking up. My ex said he only maintained his accounts in order to meet friends, but the messages he was sending out to these other guys said otherwise.

A little disclaimer though: this is just my personal experience. What happened to me may not necessarily be indicative of everyone, but I'd say it's good reason to proceed with caution with any guy in a relationship who maintains accounts on these "hookup" apps or sites.

There are two reasons a relationship would be strained by one party using apps like that:

1. The other party is insecure.

and/or

2. The guy on the apps is not legit.

I like flirting with people. I am OBSESSIVE about meeting new people and make new acquaintances. And being the giant whore that I am, I also like seeing people's pics. Does any of that make me bad dating material? Only if you're insecure. I'll never cheat on you, never do anything behind your back. I'll share with you the funny stuff I see on Grindr (my bf and I constantly text each other funny profiles or the occasional hot pic) and I will not make you feel threatened. If you are STILL threatened, I am afraid the problem lies with you - clearly you are either too insecure or too distrustful (which is also being insecure btw), and even if I delete the apps, soon something else will cause you to be jealous or suspicious.

So yeah, stigmatizing Grindr is bullshit. Normal mature people should have no problem distinguishing between the app and how that particular person uses it, and if ANY of the "whore" apps has the potential to be used for things other than sex, it's Grindr.

 

[hackingnomberr]

Mmm this thread took a turn for the worst.
Update: So the guy is now telling me he likes me and I'm really not sure how to react. A little more broadening on his bf sitch--- his bf is a recent high school grad who is moving across the country to go to school(community college) in the area. Apparently my friend is claiming that his bf isn't moving here for him, but I think otherwise seeing as CCs don't change between one another too much. I don't feel guilty for breaking up the relationship if that is what happens since it obviously wasn't gonna work anyway, however I do feel some responsibility of pushing my friend to mitigate the damages and not have his boyfriend make such a huge move only to get screwed over.~

 

[-Kane-]

If he's made it clear that he's in a "committed" relationship, then ask him to invite his boyfriend along with the two of you for drinks.
If he has a problem with that, then his motives with you aren't genuine. Also, be honest with yourself. If you have a deep desire to be with him sexually or otherwise, then you're only headed for a world of hurt.

Walk away! He may seem like the last cutest guy on earth, but there are plenty of cool guys in the world, and most of them aren't cheating lying bastards who play games under the guise of "friendship"...

Find you one!

 

[cm98059]

For what it is worth, if you are dating a guy who is willing to cheat on his boyfriend, you are dating a guy who is willing to cheat on his boyfriend. Are you his boyfriend, and is a monogamous relationship important to you? Only you can decide how important an open or closed relationship is to you.

 

[hackingnomberr]

Yeah, I definitely know better than to date a guy that is willing to do that to his bf, I would just be hooking up with him and not have any commitments.

Also, we hung out today and we were a lot more flirty, touching and stuff, and when I dropped him off at his house he was obviously putting himself in the position to be kissed(you know what I mean), but not making the move himself as if to say, "if he kisses me then it's not cheating." However I couldn't bring myself to do it, I'm number one I can't be the guy he cheated on his boyfriend with, or anyone's number 2.

 

[Rolyo85]

Ah, yes, because juvenile cynicism is so much more hip ^_^ Of course, Rolyo's year of constant experience is no match for some dude's uneducated blanket statements.

Puh-lease

 

[TX-Beau]

I see Rolyo has snatched the pebble from my hand.....

(blowjob to the guy who gets that reference)

Yeah, I definitely know better than to date a guy that is willing to do that to his bf, I would just be hooking up with him and not have any commitments.

Also, we hung out today and we were a lot more flirty, touching and stuff, and when I dropped him off at his house he was obviously putting himself in the position to be kissed(you know what I mean), but not making the move himself as if to say, "if he kisses me then it's not cheating." However I couldn't bring myself to do it, I'm number one I can't be the guy he cheated on his boyfriend with, or anyone's number 2.

Drama is only drama if you decide it is. Sure you can be friends with him, just don't put yourself into compromising positions, and yeah, tell him to bring his BF along.

 

[bw92116]

I see some potential for you being hurt here, if you develop feelings for him. And it's really hard to just "be friends" with someone you are attracted to and really want. You can do it, but you'll be living with a constant low-grade pain, being reminded every time you see him of the fact that you want him and can't have him. You will have to deal with that the entire time you are friends with him. If you are really seeking a new friendship, you can give it a try and see if you guys click as friends. But you are going to be have to be strict with yourself, and not allow yourself to concoct fantasies of him, and not allow yourself to fall in love with him or get too attached to him - because you could easily be hurt if and when the situation changes. If you proceed, do it with extreme caution.