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is it worth it?

A

assortment

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I'm on vacation down the Jersey shore, and quite bored right now actually. People are allowed to come spend a couple days the first week we're here, but the second week is supposed to be family bonding time. How great... Anyway, these two guys came down that are friends with my dad and it just so happens that they are a gay couple who have been married (is it legal in nj yet?) for 11 years. One way or another, I guess he just knew, we ended up talking about me being gay. Mostly everyone knows that I'm gay now. I knew (realized, whatever) I was when I was in 6th grade. I told my grandma in 10th grade. Grandma is fucking awesome. She still likes to drink beer, arm wrestle, gamble, make dirty jokes, drive above the speed limit, mostly all the shit you don't see people who are 83-years-old like her doing. She even tried to get a guys number for me. I told my parents when I was in 11th grade. I just graduated high school in June and I waited until we graduated to tell my friends. You know how some high schoolers can be and I didn't want to risk any harrassment or anything. So, all my friends know and half my family know.

That's the problem. My mother comes from several generations of a very racist, prejudice, ignorant family. Luckily, my mother, myself my brother, and my four cousins have had the sense of mind to be open and accepting of everyone and are no way anything like our other family members. However, we all seem to be insulted or harrassed by our own family members from time to time. Example: My cousin got the shit beat out of her by my uncle because she's dating a black boy. That side of the family hates me already because I'm outspoken and I don't back down when they get up in my face. I just got in a fistfight with someone twice my size because I'm really not afraid of anything.

My dad's friend was asking me how he invisioned that whole thing going. I told him I pretty much picture Christmas and our rule is whoever you're dating can come to the house after dinner for desert. I picture whoever I'm dating showing up and a huge arguement happening and maybe a few fists being thrown. My uncle is a hardcore drunk as well and will have no problem acting out whatever he feels.

So, I start wondering is it really worth it? Should I come out to that side of the family or hide it for the sake of not causing a lot of drama? I know that if I'm dating someone I WANT to see them on Christmas. My parents say that the guy I date (when I'm dating someone that is) is MORE than welcome at my house on Christmas. My parents and my grandma are the only opinions I really care about. At the same time, I don't want to ruin any relationships between family members or cause a huge, unsolvable problem between the family.

Should I hide that part of myself from them? Or should I tell them because it's what I want?
 
I'd say it's not important to come out to that side of your family. More to the point, why would you want to spend Christmas with them? Yes, Christmas is "a time for family", but it's not supposed to be a "even though we hate each other, let's all stay in the same place together" sort of thing. It's a time to get together with people you love. Why the hell would you want your uncle (or any other person who would make people feel uncomfortable) there with you?

Lex
 
It's not that I want them there, believe me. It's just that my family has this tradition that Thanksgiving the whole family goes to my other grandmas. Christmas everyone comes to my house. Easter everyone goes to my uncle's. So I really don't have a choice when it comes to seeing them on holidays. Even though I'm 19-years-old and starting college in September they still pull that "As long as you're under our roof you'll do what we say" bullshit.
 
I would say if you want to invite someone for Christmas, it would be better to come out to that side of the family way before Christmas. No need to spoil Christmas with all that extra drama. If your relatives create drama around it, at least you will know that you did your best to avoid the drama while still being yourself.
 
How does your family feel about this? The "open-minded" ones? Do they feel like, "Well, it's a pain and a chore, but it's family"?

Lex
 
vette - thats good advice. i never thought about doing that. it's a pretty good idea actually.


g-lex - how do my open mined family feel about what? if you're talking about me being gay they don't care. they'd love me if i was dating a polar bear. they have been so supportive about it. if you're talking about the having to be with those family members on xmas, my family hates it but the other side (the mean one) will start arguing and over exagerate things. my parents still do these stupid family traditions to "keep peace in the family."
 
I meant spending time with the annoying family members. So why do it? I don't see it as "keeping the peace" if, when you get together, there's still chaos reigning. That's just me, though.

Maybe if you come out, they won't want you around for Christmas, and you can start a new tradition with just the cool family members. :)

Lex
 
That's probably what's going to end up happening. My cousin just moved out of the house and has her own apartment with her boyfriend. So, I'm hoping the "black sheeps" of the family can start going there for a much more chill and relaxed holiday.
 
If you DO have a boyfriend at Christmas you could always pass him off as "Just a friend" who had nowhere else to go and leave it at that. Or you go to his house for desert and avoid the potential conflict! Or say fuck it--this is my boyfriend--if you don't like it you know where the door is!!

Lots of options here!! Choose one and GO for it!!
 
Well, the "friend with no where to go," excuse wouldn't work. The evil side of the family is soooo strict they'd never let a 'friend' come over for the holiday.

This past Christmas (06) I pretty much said if you don't like it leave. My grandma (the good one) was real late and I was like, "Grandma, you whore! Were you out prostitutin again?!" And the bad side of the family flipped out and started insulting the good side of the family so bad. By that time I had far too many glasses of whine. I slurr out, "No one wants you here. So if you don't like it you can leave." Then I stumbled out of the room and was half way down the hall when I realized I forgot my glass of whine. I stumbled back into the room, yelled "I FORGOT THIS!" and stumbled back out. Damn the whine! If it wasn't for the tipsiness I would have had a semitriumphant moment lol
 
Well maybe they got the hint and will rethink their plans this year! If not, like someone said above, let them know ahead of time that your boyfriend and your cousin and her black boy friend will all be there and there are to be no arguments. If they plan on making a scene just stay away. Christmas is a time of joyous celebration after all!

However, you did not make it clear if you have a boyfriend yet. If you do--well do what ya got to do--if not maybe now is not the time to upset the apple cart!! Save the argument until the time is right!

What does your mother say about this? If she is as open minded as you say then maybe she should say something to that side of the family! And where does dad fit into all of this?!
 
Well, I don't have a boyfriend. I'm looking, but I don't really know anyone or even how to tell if anyone is gay. I was just thinking about this topic because it is bound to come up reguardless.

My mom refuses to get involved. But my dad said this, "Whoever you're dating is allowed at the house. If someone doesn't like it then they are not welcome in this house and they can go home." So my dad has my back.

I'm thinking the issue isn't so much who has my back. It's that I'm wondering if I should hide a big part of myself from them or just jump right into the drama because it's going to happen eventually.
 
In what sense are YOU the one who's causing trouble? Their prejudice is driving the wedge between family members and it sees like your immediate family can see that.
 
assortment said:
… So, I start wondering is it really worth it? Should I come out to that side of the family or hide it for the sake of not causing a lot of drama? I know that if I'm dating someone I WANT to see them on Christmas. My parents say that the guy I date (when I'm dating someone that is) is MORE than welcome at my house on Christmas. My parents and my grandma are the only opinions I really care about. At the same time, I don't want to ruin any relationships between family members or cause a huge, unsolvable problem between the family.

Should I hide that part of myself from them? Or should I tell them because it's what I want?
Click to expand...

You gotta size up the situation. It sounds like it's important to you that everyone in your family know. The only thing is, is it wise? By that, I mean, "Are these people destructive?" If the answer to that question is yes, why would you want to bother yourself with any of them?
 
I don't really have a choice. I HAVE to see them on holidays. So, it's a matter of whether I lie and be unhappy on the holidays, or be happy with the person I'm with (if im datin someone then) but risk a lot, lot, lot, lot of drama.
 
Do everything you can reasonably do to be yourself and minimize the drama. As I said before, let it be known long before the holiday that you are gay. Have the hosts (your parents I think) let these people know that your boyfriend will be present. They can work it into causal conversation so as not to make a big deal about it. If the problem makers don't like it, they can always make the choice not to attend. If they attend and cause a lot of drama, your parents have good reason to end the family tradition. Remember, you can always choose not to attend future events with these people if you don't want to deal with the drama.
 
See, I kind of feel bad for my mother. She wants so badly for every family member to get along and love each other. She always gets broken up inside and teary when she hears how much me, my father, and my brother hate her blood relatives. I want so much for us all to get along just for her. I hold my tounge so much when they're around me. Everyone is a n***** or anything they don't like is a faggot. I want so badly to tell these people off, but for my mother I keep my mouth shut. Even though my mother has my back in any situation that arises, at the same time I'm hesitant because I know she'll get hurt by any fight that insues.
It's a very complicated situation, for me at least. I wish it was as simple as "deal with it or leave."
 
But it has to be clear to your mother that every family member DOESN'T get along, and every family member DOESN'T love each other. Does she think "Well, maybe this time things will be different"? Because they won't.

Maybe you can talk to your father and brother, and discuss this. It's obvious that this trip doesn't make anybody any happier, so perhaps it's time for a new, more pleasant Christmas tradition to take root.

Lex
 
assortment,

How realistic are you?

Which members of your family are trustworthy?

Which members of your family are destructive?

And do you have what it takes to look out for yourself? (I don't care that your momma wants everyone in the family to get along -- nor do I care about her rules or her feelings -- I'm talking about you, here.)

Do you find any value in this "tradition" with, or coming out to, such members of your family? Or kowtowing to anybody -- momma, especially -- at the expense of sacrificing yourself in the process?


In your opening statement, you mentioned that you've stood up for yourself. That you're strong. Well, has it occurred to you to be this way even with people who are well-intentioned -- specifically, your mother?

No matter how wonderful your mother may be, I consider it a problem (an issue, if you will) if she is willing -- no, make that insisting -- that you put yourself needlessly in harm of others who are no damn good for you.

These questions I have asked above are ones you should consider for yourself -- now and in the future.
 
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