Is it worth the pain? Someone please tell me....

[xboxfan34]

Is going through all this shit going to pay off in the end? I'm still suffering from the fallout of last year when I hit rock bottom over the exclusivity of the gay bear community and the cattiness and drama of the gay community....I just wish these people would realize. It's making people suffer, it nearly fucking drove me to SUICIDE last year. Never, had I ever felt so....worthless at that point.


It seems like everybody tells me that it's going to be worth it in the end and that I will eventually find what...or who...I'm looking for, but...

A. It seems so unlikely that I will find someone for me.
B. If I do, is it worth all the pain I'm giving myself? Is it worth the self-harming addiction? Is it worth the self-loathing?

 

[TX-Beau]

OK so, you need to see a professional, there is no one in here who is going to solve this for you.

 

[swerve]

My suggestion is to love yourself. That may sound way easier than it will prove to be. But, once you accomplish that, you will become attractive to other people -- and you won't let THEIR opinions of you affect your mental state.

Just an observation (possibly way oversimplifying things ) based on your OP...

 

[Rolyo85]

I'm going to say something very insensitive now, but believe me when I say that I only have your best interest in mind while saying it.

I don't know where you live, but I live next to one of the biggest "gay scenes" in the country, Chicago's Boystown. I am not really a big part of the scene, more of a fringe animal. But I observe and interact with a lot of people who are part of it, and one thing has become apparent - drama only happens to some of them, and they tend to fall in very specific categories:

- The super fit guys who are unable to recognize anything less attractive than they are, and who - as a result of only interacting with other super fit guys - end up constantly getting cheated on and invalidated, and become extremely bitter about "the scene".

- The guys who are obsessed with finding the perfect man, yet keep looking for him at the bar on a Friday night, and then make dramatic generalizations about how everyone is awful. When the simple reality is that few people are looking for their future husband on a Friday night at a bar.

- The guys who just don't fit the mainstream gay bar scene, yet keep not looking for an alternative. They keep being bombarded with invalidation.


That's the experience of someone living in a big city with many alternatives to the bar scene. Maybe your home base is different. But if you recognize yourself in one of those groups, you got work to do. Either way, the answer to your question is - if it's making you feel this bad, then no, it's not worth it. TX-beau is right, you maybe need professional help.

For now though, why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself? What kind of town/city do you live in? What's the scene like? Who has made you feel excluded, and how? Try to be as objective as possible, and maybe we can give you a bit of advice

 

[KaraBulut]

There's little that you can do to change the world. The only things you can change are your perception and how you cope with things.

To that end, you need find a professional therapist to work through these issues with.

 

[xboxfan34]

Unless the therapist is another gay man that can understand my issues, it won't help.

 

[mcbrion]

Then you will undoubtedly benefit from working with a gay therapist. He will understand the issues of judging yourself by the actions of others, which always harms the SELF first, and others - if ever - last. You are giving too much power over you to the wrong people. it is helpful to understand what drives us to congregate with the wrong people. And then to put them aside, and seek out the right kind of people to congregate with instead. That is, in reality, your task.

 

[eastofeden]

I also think seeing a therapist is absolutely essential...and if it is a gay one that you want...you can find one.

I have a lot of advice on the subject but it will be very tough to hear...and I don't want to be responsible for making anything worse.

I am tough on myself..and tough on my friends...because it works...and I successfully overcome almost everything in my path using this approach. I use tough love on myself..I am brutally honest with myself...and it pretty much clears the way...but I cannot be brutally honest with you...so I hope that you find someone who can give you the guidance you need. They are out there.

 

[kallipolis]

Changing ones perspectives, enables each of us to understand that happiness, and fulfilment are self endowed.

The blame game is a fruitless exercise finding fault outside ones self imposed limitations.

To love another, one must first learn to love the person, whom we loath...ones self.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself~Leo Tolstoy

 

[Seasoned]

Since we all basicly begin life in the closet, we've all been damaged. Now, depending on our personality and peer group or lack thereof, we heal or continue to hurt as we become self-aware.

I'm glad you brought up the topic here because self-talk with no other outlet can be misguided, misleading and dangerous, even, as you know, leading to suicidal thoughts. What you ought to look for is a good therapist. If that's a good, gay therapist, fine, but not every gay therapist will be suitable for you. Therapists ought to be interviewed by the client. "Here's the basic outline of my issue(s). I'd like to change ________. How do you propose to help?" A good therapist will ask you upfront how'll you know when you've been helped.

 

[arpeggi]

Do you really think you have to be part of the scene or community to have a fulfilling life as a gay man? Or to find who or what you're looking for? Because you don't. I'm not sure where you live, but I would suggest not limiting yourself to specific scenes or venues. Especially since they seem to be the source of your alienation. Broaden your perspective. Reach out elsewhere. I assure you, there are plenty of available men to be had far and away from those catty scenesters.