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Is it wrong to pay your friends, for their friendship?

A

aarya

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I don`t know...
I just realized that i have a tendency to pay my friends real money for their friendship..
Is it wrong? Isn`t it wrong? Why do i feel so lousy if it isn`t wrong?
Should it be wrong?
Would you be friends with someone who`d constantly give you money?
Would you constantly give friends money, to make them stay?

Oh, don`t mind me. I`m just in a sad melancholic mood.
 
Honey, friends are friends because they like spending time with you. You have things in common that you enjoy doing together. A friend may need help sometimes, but money is no basis for a relationship... atleast not one that goes by the name friendship anyways....

If you wonder about your friend's willingness to be with you without financial enticement, I think maybe you should stop paying and find out for sure. Because Honey, everyone deserves real friends, and anyone with their hand in your pocket is no friend.
 
I don't think that its right to pay them. However I know that I'm currently in a better financial situation then some of my friends and there are times where I feel like doing someting that costs $ and I know they can't otherwise afford, so I pay for them to go just because I want to do it. Even if I drag a freind out to dinner I'll pay, or if I want to see a stupid movie, I'll pay. But then whenever they do "have" money and even at times when they don't they'll treat. The only differnce is that I know if the situatuions were reversed that they would do the same for me.
 
I think that you need to elaborate a little bit...are you just giving your friends money for the hell of it or is it because they need it because they are broke. I will paid dinner or the bar tab because I can't stand sitting there trying to figure out who owes what.
 
Well.. Ok... Elaboration:
One of my bestest friends and i, are like siblings. We`re not siblings, but she`s my sister nonetheless.
Although, i`ve realized that there is a trend between us.
She`s always broke, and i usually have some money i can spare.
Even when she`s not broke, she never tells me to not spend money on her.
Over the years, i`ve given her over 3000$ in money, groceries and just stuff.
Sometimes when i visit her for a weekend, i`ll first pay my train ticket to get to her, and i`ll pay for the food, for the busfair to and from the city and her apartment. I`ll pay for hamburgers, if she wants that.
Is this wrong? Is it fair? Should i just shut up about it, and accept it?
I never have alot of money, but what little i have, i always share with people.
Maybe i shouldn`t??
 
Is it this one girlfriend you do this with, or everyone? If it's just this one best friend, then you obviously peceive a need to do it, and take satisfaction in making her life easier, even for the moment. And, given the depth of your friendship, she's probably worth it.

If you're that way by nature--even being overly generous to lesser friends and acquaintances--then that's another matter. I'd worry that you, on some level, feel that their friendship is predicated on you handing over money, or taking on more of your share of expenses with them.

The fact that you're wondering about this suggests to me that you have doubts yourself about it. There are subtle and graceful ways to back out of these kinds of habits if you feel a change is needed (politely suggesting "let's go halves" to suggesting cheaper alternatives, to suggesting shortage of your own funds, etc., etc., etc.)
 
A friendship is reciprocity. You give and they give in return. If you treat someone, in some way, that person seeks to treat you back. If you are the only one giving, giving, giving in this friendship (monetary, time, etc.) then you are in an unhealthy relationship.

Back off, and see if your friends really care to reach back to you. If they don't even notice you not in their lives, then they only missed you for the money.
 
It's tough to hand out an all purpose answer to this one. I had a friend like that in college. I adored her, we spent all our time together, she was my original fruit fly. I had a bit more money to spare than her and loved going out. Sometimes I'd treat just beacuse it made me happy to have her there with me instead of going alone to somewhere she might not have felt able to afford. I took her on a trip I had won to spend a weekend in New York. I never thought of it as purchasing our friendship at all, there was tons between us and she NEVER asked or expected me to pony up for anything. That said, eventually I started feeling a little under appreciated and scaled back on the gifts and eating out. It didn't affect our friendship at all. We just started doing stuff at a level we could both afford. We'd go do groceries at the market together and cook dinner together, then go have just a desert out.

Ultimately you have to set your comfort level with what you're doing. If you're uncomfortable I think you owe it to the friendship to do some real thinking about what you're feeling and act accordingly. What you're describing is neither WRONG or RIGHT... it's about how you feel about it and her perception of your gifts. If you really are feeling used, you may need to talk to her about your feelings. I felt for myself that it would have damaged the relationship and chose instead to scale back my spending to a place where I felt comfortable and stopped resenting the gifts I'd gotten in the habit of giving. Ultimately you need to identify and own your emotions about this one. Doesn't sound like she's asking for you to spend on her so again... figure out what you're feeling and own it.
 
Friends may come..
And friends may go..
And friends may peter out...

But YOU my friend..
Are my friend...

Peter in ot Peter out..............................
 
aarya said:
Well.. Ok... Elaboration:
One of my bestest friends and i, are like siblings. We`re not siblings, but she`s my sister nonetheless.
Although, i`ve realized that there is a trend between us.
She`s always broke, and i usually have some money i can spare.
Even when she`s not broke, she never tells me to not spend money on her.
Over the years, i`ve given her over 3000$ in money, groceries and just stuff.
Sometimes when i visit her for a weekend, i`ll first pay my train ticket to get to her, and i`ll pay for the food, for the busfair to and from the city and her apartment. I`ll pay for hamburgers, if she wants that.
Is this wrong? Is it fair? Should i just shut up about it, and accept it?
I never have alot of money, but what little i have, i always share with people.
Maybe i shouldn`t??
Click to expand...

Regardless of how close you are, and weither or not you want to beleive it......... SHE IS USING YOU ! there's not even any doubt about it. So do someting or stop thinking about it cause shit won't change unless you make it.
 
Well, one of my problems is that i don`t have many friends.
Another is that all my friends HAVE left me after a while.
(I know that is mainly because of my TS and ADHD + other "abnormalities".)
I have a problem controlling impulses i get, i say things that might hurt even though i mean the complete opposite. I`ve also started on the slow road towards acknowledging that i`m not as old, emotionally or socially as my age in real years. That`s a tough one, but it ties in with my unability to find and make friends my own age.
Which again brings me back to the problem at hand.
I`m afraid that breaking up this friendship, even though i do see that it isn`t as beneficial as a real friendship would be, will leave me without friends. Simply put, will leave me as an asocial gay guy with the social network of a seaslug on the sun.

Edit: With "abnormalities" i mean the quite common disorders that is seen in people with TS and ADHD, mainly OCD, anxiety, moodswings, sleep disorders and anger problems.
 
When you pay them, they cease being "friends" and become "paid aquaintances". If that is satisfactory to you, then I guess it's ok. At least you know what you can expect or not expect from them. Personally, I'd rather be a hermit than pay someone for fake friendship.
 
Snickers52 said:
When you pay them, they cease being "friends" and become "paid aquaintances". If that is satisfactory to you, then I guess it's ok. At least you know what you can expect or not expect from them. Personally, I'd rather be a hermit than pay someone for fake friendship.
Click to expand...

Would you really rather be a hermit??
Do you really know how lonely things can get, without friends?
Have you ever wished you knew someone who you could ask to watch a movie with you, and had noone to ask?
I have wished, i`ve been alone, but i don`t wish to become a hermit.
Though it seems i`m doomed that way, even if i try something else.
 
aarya said:
Well, one of my problems is that i don`t have many friends.
Another is that all my friends HAVE left me after a while.
(I know that is mainly because of my TS and ADHD + other "abnormalities".)
I have a problem controlling impulses i get, i say things that might hurt even though i mean the complete opposite. I`ve also started on the slow road towards acknowledging that i`m not as old, emotionally or socially as my age in real years. That`s a tough one, but it ties in with my unability to find and make friends my own age.
Which again brings me back to the problem at hand.
I`m afraid that breaking up this friendship, even though i do see that it isn`t as beneficial as a real friendship would be, will leave me without friends. Simply put, will leave me as an asocial gay guy with the social network of a seaslug on the sun.

Edit: With "abnormalities" i mean the quite common disorders that is seen in people with TS and ADHD, mainly OCD, anxiety, moodswings, sleep disorders and anger problems.
Click to expand...


please...every one of my friends are on something for anxiety, add or ocd...and the ones who aren't drink and drug like motherfuckers...you can easily find friends who aren't using you for your money...even if you were loaded and could afford to be generous, you are still being used. don't make the mistake of thinking that you are the only one in the world with emotional problems...everyone is fucked up in this day and age...everyone is also medicated...i used to be really embarrassed about certain things about my family when i was a kid til i realized that pretty much everyone in my neigborhood had gone through the same thing...so kick this bitch to the curb and find yourself some real friends.
 
aarya said:
Would you really rather be a hermit??
Do you really know how lonely things can get, without friends?
Have you ever wished you knew someone who you could ask to watch a movie with you, and had noone to ask?
I have wished, i`ve been alone, but i don`t wish to become a hermit.
Though it seems i`m doomed that way, even if i try something else.
Click to expand...

Well actually, I quite enjoy my alone time and have learned to relish it over the years. When I was younger I ran with a pack and as I aged I became much more of a homebody. I felt the need to purge some of the people I was associated with so I slowly let the vast majority of my so-called "friends" fall away through attrition. I ended up with a small group of 4 people I can count on no matter what, and they can expect the same from me. But there are times when I may go many weeks without seeing any of them or talking with them on the phone.

I stopped "going out" long ago so having someone to pal around with or not is not an issue with me. When I get home I just want quiet and peace. Now if I was still a young buck it might be a different matter. So as I said above, if spending money on these people gives you something in return that makes you happy then by all means. I think as you age though, you will probably tire of this. Personally, I think you should spend more time on looking for someone who doesn't expect a paycheck. Trust me, there are people out there who would love to have a friend and not expect anything in return other than your friendship.
 
not real money
but i would do things for my friends in appreciation and have done it in the past
but under no obligation to them to do anything for me
 
Beyond the bare necessities of life, money and material things are meaningless, right? So spend, spend, spend. Or don't. Of course, if you don't and she stops coming around, you may have something to think about ;)
 
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