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Is kissing cheating?

C

cadburyflake

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My head's in a bit of a whirl and I'm looking for some advice.

Firstly, something perhaps I shouldn't have done, was read my boyfriend of four years' diary. It turns out that he went on a friends birthday night out back in March, which I knew about, but what I didn't know about was that he "snogged and groped" another man in the gents, and went on to say he misses the single life and doesn't feel so bad about doing it.

My heads a whirl because I feel angry, betrayed, hurt, upset and wondering what I've done wrong for this to happen. I thought we were going strong until I found this out. It also makes me wonder if this isn't just a one off drunken kiss - has it happened more times? Should I ask him about it? On the one hand I don't want to say anything because I like what we've got at the moment, and I'd upset both our families if anything were to happen. And on the other, I want to ask him why, if it's not the first time, what's wrong with me etc.

Sorry to be a bore but I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be really appreciated!
 
I'd be pissed and confront your boyfriend. Though I would not mention his diary. Just say someone else told you about a kiss that happened and you want to know if he wants out of the relationship. Watch him like a hawk and if he displays the signs of wanting out, then, end it. Don't waste your time.
 
it depends what kind of kiss
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cheating is not about particular activities, but about breach of trust. kissing that guy was a breach of trust, as is reading his diary. talk it out, and decide whether you guys can forgive each-other, or whether its time to move on.


"[i'm] wondering what I've done wrong for this to happen."

well, many* guys are not inherently monogamous; part of them will always miss screwing around, they will always think about other guys every now and then... and there is a chance they might slip in a moment of weakness. your boyfriend seems to be such a guy. id say it has nothing to do with anything you did or didnt do, and there isnt anything you can do to change him. (this is meant as an explanaition, not an excuse.) if thats not something you can live with, you need to find another purely monogamy-minded guy.

(*id say "most", judging by how common cheating is, not just amongst gay men but everywhere. but thats not really a discussion for this thread.)
 
I'm surprised you didn't read the rest of his diary to find out if he's done it before.

Yes its cheating. You need to confront him, if he's secretly not as happy in the relationship as you thought he was.
 
Wow...

I don't think kissing is cheating at all...

And OF COURSE there are going to be times where one misses his "single life"...

Doesn't mean he wants to go back to it...

WAY OVERREACTING imo...

Best of luck...

:):):)
 
The only advice I have is that if you choose to confront him, you need to be honest about how you found out...

I know it sucks, but you always betrayed his trust as well (albeit after the fact) by snooping through his diary.
 
I've got to say reading his diary is a way bigger betrayal of the trust in your relationship than a single kiss is.

Something tells me that you were already worried about your relationship or you wouldn't have violated his diary like that, especially after four years.

As far as whether this was cheating or not, it depends on your relationship and the parameters you have set. I'm surprised that this hasn't come up before in four years.
 
Of course snogging and groping is cheating. Do you really need to ask? Would he snog and grope another guy in front of you? No, because he knows it's cheating, too. He hid in a toilet and did it. Infidelity begins in the thought-life long before any action takes place. Cheating is something that is hidden and in secret because you know it is wrong. You both did it.

You both bring issues to the table and both need forgiveness and some honest communication because you both went behind each others backs and broke trust.
Can your relationship survive this.? Only you know that.
 
^^^^^^^
Sorry buddy have to agree with wasted time to me a diary or journal is really
sacrosant , i have kept a journal since my lovers death and i write in it every
day without fail sometimes just a couple of paragraphs at other times i can fill
a couple of pages .
What i write about are my hopes and fears and probably a fair amount of crap
as well . If i was to find out that another person had read it i would not be happy
at all . Though that does not mitigate the fact that he had a quick snog in a
toilet with another fella as for is it cheating i dont know your guy could have
been a little drunk and it could have been a spur of the moment thing .
If you are that upset about it then yes ask him but i think you have to be honest
and tell him how you found out .
Otherwise i can see all trust being lost if you lie , and that could lead to even more
heartbreak . I am sorry that you had to find out in such a way but i would think
deeply about what to do next .
 
We it depends on the situation. My honey and me would not consider it cheating to a point.

We kiss and hug and lightly grab the buldge, grab a butt in greatting some friends we know.

But it's not a deep mouth kiss, more like a peck on the lips/cheek side of neck. But we never do it to strangers-ever.

But it's all in fun and trusst. We been together to 26+yrs and are secure in our LTR and have no issues.

We don't go doing it hiding from each other and we know by the friends we meet who we would have done it to. Again it falls under our deep trust we have for each other.


But your may have done a bit to much and missng the single life is were the problem lays here for you. I would ask him but not say about reading his book..
 
How you will be able to act around him now that you know what might be an insignificant tidbit is going to determine what you do with what you know.

Believe me, it's going to turn out to be more about you reading what you shouldn't have been reading. Been there, done that.

He's going to ask what's up with you and you'll need to tell him the truth. Role play worked wonders for my partner and me when we missed being single, although I lost an eyebrow once, but I digress.

Relationships are not "and they lived happily ever after." They require work and sometimes couples counseling. Get busy with both. He should be able to tell you he misses aspects of his single days.
 
First of all - you shouldn't have been reading his diary!
No! you don't now "confront" him... You could start a conversation though. By asking him very calmly if he ever misses being single and what it is about being single he misses most.
The worst thing you could do is start acting all hurt and pouty and sobby; or angry - especially angry. Anger never solved a thing.
You need to be more open with one another to express your desires. As Soreknees says, get busy working on the making the relationship good, rather than tearing it apart.
 
your emotions are understandable and reasonable. personally, I would let it go because although he kissed he left it there even though he may of had the opportunity to go further. meaning he is at least committed to you emotionally and sexually. talking about it up front would basically build a mutual mistrust that will way heavily on the relationship and could leave to a premature ending.

I would store that information and be aware of it and look out for any future warning signs and deal with it those if they happen. bringing up the past never works, deal with the present as it happens. if you want to bring up a conversation somehow along the lines of being committed and missing the single life, that could be cool. but you reading his diary and that party needs to be left out, for your benefit.
 
I think I would be more jealous if my boyfriend kissed another guy than if he gave another guy a bj. Depending on the type of kiss, it could be more intimate.
 
cadburyflake said:
My head's in a bit of a whirl and I'm looking for some advice.

Firstly, something perhaps I shouldn't have done, was read my boyfriend of four years' diary.

Sorry to be a bore but I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be really appreciated!
Click to expand...

It doesn't seem like you're ready for a relationship at all. Grow up and stop reading his journal. What did you expect to find breaching his trust like that? Just looking for a reason to stir up drama is the usual answer I tell my friends when they've done similar nonsense.
 
Spiff said:
I think I would be more jealous if my boyfriend kissed another guy than if he gave another guy a bj. Depending on the type of kiss, it could be more intimate.
Click to expand...

As a mod I know better than to go off topic, so I'll just slap myself. I guess we are all different. To be a bj is the most intimate act even over fucking and certainly over kissing.
 
lucky7 said:
Sorry but this is complete and utter bullshit. Blame the OP for reading his bf's diary? That's not the biggest deal here. Looking for a reason to stir up drama? ](*,)

Cheating is much worse than taking a peek at someone's diary. The only reason I would be enraged at my bf of 4 years reading my diary is if I had something to hide. Otherwise, I'd be a bit annoyed but nothing major.
Click to expand...

And if my boyfriend had a few cocktails and kissed a random guy I'd be pissed he didn't show me pics. A random kiss is not cheating. No wonder a number of people have never had a relationship that's lasted for more than a few weeks.

On a side note; Whenever I've seen a person always concerned about, and always accusing his bf of cheating has been the cheater themselves in the end.
 
^^^^^^
I think moltenrock has got it in one and i agree with his sentiments , sorry lucky
i usualy agree with your posts because they are always full of common-sense
but everyone needs a little privacy no matter how strong their relationship is
A journal should be private unless you say it is ok for your partner to read it.
 
well, i think reading a diary is way worse than kissing some stranger, too.

but making a "you started it! no, you started it!"-discussion out of this isnt going to help anyone, either. everybody involved should stop playing the blame game and take some responsibility for what they did, and risk some uncomfortable introspection & communication.
 
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