Is life just a cartoon?

[Rex]

Sometimes I feel like my life is a cartoon.

With the whole other thread I made about the medical records, it really got me thinking about how I'm so unaware of some of my actions and what they mean. Someone mentioned that the reason why I wanted to expose that girl for the pregnancy terminations was because it was out of jealousy, and maybe that was part of it but at the same time I really cared for that girl, and I think a part of me was jealous, not just of her, but of her boyfriend too. One time when we were at a bar, I danced with her and for a moment I was sort lost in this other place with her where she was mine, even if it was only for 3 or 4 minutes or so. I saw a small part of what he had, and a part of me wanted her for myself.

At the same time, I was jealous and bitter that he'd spent most of his time with her when we used to be best friends. So, maybe that's what it was deep inside and I never realized it. Maybe I was mad that they were happy and found each other, and I didn't have either one of them for myself.



That must be what it was.


I'm glad I quickly came to the realization that revealing to him that secret, if it even is a secret, was something I could never do. I considered it for a short while without even realizing the damage and pain it could cause.


Am I crazy? Do normal people go through shit like this?


Maybe life isn't a cartoon... it's a sleazy, romantic "coming of age" bull shit story with me playing the dirtbag with a heart of gold but still gets fucked over in the ending.



Seriously though, I'm glad everyone talked me though that and made me wake up and actually hear what I was saying. I am a dumb fuck sometimes but whatever.

























I can't believe I just posted such a deep thread talking about all this feelings and shit. That's so gay.

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

no

but folk ans planet giv up try say ta countrys keep make um

-

how space ship goin?
' SSSSH!
oops

 

[fetaby]

I'm glad I quickly came to the realization that revealing to him that secret, if it even is a secret, was something I could never do. I considered it for a short while without even realizing the damage and pain it could cause.


Am I crazy? Do normal people go through shit like this?

Yes. No.

You need to get out of your head. Find someone you can confide these feelings and emotions. You need to get yourself figured out, cause the amount of selfishness and self-absorbed egoism you've put on display here is massive.

So you want them to break up so you can have a go at BOTH of 'em eh?

It was all well and good to try to separate them because he "just can't marry someone whose had two abortions", but now you've magically got over that issue enough to want her for yourself? Please.

You need to quit using these people to fill the stunted emotional development and intimate void you've created for yourself.

 

[Rex]

I think the abortions never was really the issue. It was jealousy against them being together and me being alone and that was a reason to show that they weren't perfect for each other. I'm guessing that's what it all meant. Maybe I'm overanalyzing it.

The time when I wanted her for myself was just a brief moment, long before I knew of the abortion stuff. I don't think I wanted her necessarily. I just wanted what they had.

The point is, I was a jealous dick without realizing it. Sometimes people do really fucked up things without realizing what they're doing, and they need a wake up call. That last thread helped me become more aware and I took some time to question myself and think it over.

 

[fetaby]

Well since you're in a thinking mood.

Why don't you figure out why a woman doing something that she is well within her rights to do could become grounds for a relationship to fall apart?

And you're right, you don't want her. And you don't really want him. You just want somebody/something. So while you're thinking, figure out why you want somebody/something. And why you're able to so callously disregard what it means to be a friend if you think you can gain from it.

 

[Rex]

Well since you're in a thinking mood.

Why don't you figure out why a woman doing something that she is well within her rights to do could become grounds for a relationship to fall apart?

I don't know to be honest. I didn't think it that far through when I was considering telling him. I didn't actually plan on trying to ruin there relationship but when I try to think of a reason "why" I would want to tell him that, I figured maybe that is the reason.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Appreciate the honesty, Sultan. Thank you for making the right decision.

 

[palbert]

.... [portion deleted] .....I can't believe I just posted such a deep thread talking about all this feelings and shit. That's so gay.

I think of it as kind of so human too.

 

[nycguydowntown]

Think your feelings are normal (and so gay! lol--that's a joke) this same thing has been done to me by my best friend.

 

[Taz]

If life was a movie, it would always be one of those depressing arthouse flicks that feel unresolved when its over.

 

[asu1117]

I dunno about a cartoon, but I've often wondered if my life was a Tragedy.



But really, you're not alone. A lot of us do stupid things sometimes without realizing it or even why.

 

[rareboy]

I think you need to keep reflecting at all times on what makes a mature, well adjusted man.

And then remind yourself of this.

I believe that the one thing you need professional help with is jealousy. I've seen it in your posts at other times and I swear it will be your downfall.

You need to figure out why you are jealous and how to let go of this very infantile behaviour.

I also am wondering whether you may be subject to manic depression and whether this sponsors some of your irrational thinking and overly emotional, rather than logical, responses sometimes.

Please do not hesitate to seek out assistance with this outside your service milieu.

 

[sixthson]

A question for you, Sultan. How much time do you spend focusing on finding a love relationship of your own rather than just sex? It's hard to be jealous when you have someone to love in your life.

 

[Rex]

A question for you, Sultan. How much time do you spend focusing on finding a love relationship of your own rather than just sex? It's hard to be jealous when you have someone to love in your life.

Honestly, not as often as I look for sex. That's probably the problem.

I think you need to keep reflecting at all times on what makes a mature, well adjusted man.

And then remind yourself of this.

I believe that the one thing you need professional help with is jealousy. I've seen it in your posts at other times and I swear it will be your downfall.

You need to figure out why you are jealous and how to let go of this very infantile behaviour.

I also am wondering whether you may be subject to manic depression and whether this sponsors some of your irrational thinking and overly emotional, rather than logical, responses sometimes.

Please do not hesitate to seek out assistance with this outside your service milieu.

Can you give me an example of where you see it in my posts? Sometimes I make crude remarks but it doesn't necassarily mean I am jealous of someone. I never thought of myself as a jealous person, at least not anymore than a typical guy but maybe that's something I need to consider.

I have spoken to therapists. The military allows walk in patients for Behavioral Health at any given time, and it was interesting but I don't really think it was for me. I think my problem is I'm just not always self aware. It's very easy to get prescriptions for medication like Prozac, Zoloft, Xanax, etc. in the military and I feel like that has helped be become better adjusted as well.

For the most part, I'm happy with myself.

 

[rareboy]

My concern Sultan, is that you may not be responding well to anti-depressant medication. It is like pumping steroids. In some cases, the mood elevators may instead exacerbate even mild tendencies toward manic depressive behaviour.

I think you are pursuing a very dangerous course by tossing back drugs without determining some root causes for your depression.

I can't go back to the threads that I noticed, but in several instances when you are writing about your guy buddies, there is a note of jealousy if they are not entirely focussed on you. And I think in the past, when you have not felt that you are the centre of someone's world, it may have resulted in deflation of your own self-worth.

And as you say, you have a tendency to not be self-aware....I think this would be a good place to start with a counsellor though; seek their help in becoming more self-aware. I think you also may need, like so many other homos in the services, to find the right person to help you work through the complexities of your sexual identity.