Is monogamy an unrealistic expectation in the gay community?

[Appleman34]

I've been talking to a guy that I really like for a while now. Not boyfriends, but in the dating stage (going out, flirting, texting, etc.). Things were looking great, we both seemed into each other. The other night, while we're watching a movie on my couch, he tells me that he's going over to his friend's house to fuck him. He even called his booty call while on the couch with me. It caught me completely off guard, but he's technically single, so sure, go ahead. At that point I assumed he just considered me a friend and counted this one as a loss.

But still, he flirts with me, wants to take me out for valentines, and always wants me to hang out with him. Now I'm assuming he doesn't want anything serious, he's just doing what he has to do until I can be his next booty call.

I talked to other gay men about it and the general answer I keep getting is that gay men don't want to settle, they just want to fuck, and if I take too long with the 'getting to know each other' stage (too long being more than 24 hours), they'll consider me non-fuckable and move on to the next available guy.

I'm not into that at all. I honestly just want one great boy for the rest of my life. Are my expectations too high?

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh man, tons of guys come in here complaining that no one wants to be monogamous with them. I've always wondered why these guys don' just date each other.

No, all gay men aren't promiscuous, and yes, a bunch of them want monogamy. Maybe you just aren't looking at the ones who do.

 

[KaraBulut]

It doesn't matter what other gay men do. It only matters what you do and what you want.

If you're not comfortable with someone who is so casual about sex and monogamy, then that person is probably not the guy for you.

 

[mcbrion]

Even if you are in 'the dating stage', a guy who calls a trick while sitting right next to you?? That takes balls. And not the good kind. That is wildly inconsiderate and shows no class whatsoever. If I was dating a guy and he did that, I'd tell him off and leave immediately. Inconsiderate = immature, in my experience.

By the way, I heard the same thing most of the time I lived in San Francisco: "nobody wants a monogamous relationship." That was 1978. Completely untrue, even in 1978.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Even if you are in 'the dating stage', a guy who calls a trick while sitting right next to you?? That takes balls. And not the good kind. That is wildly inconsiderate and shows no class whatsoever. If I was dating a guy and he did that, I'd tell him off and leave immediately. Inconsiderate = immature, in my experience.

Totally agree with this. I think its not the gay community, but more so who you are targeting/ hanging out with in the gay community. Clearly the friends you consulted are an echo chamber of this same sentiment, so it might do you some good to start tapping into different social scenes, maybe some with people already in monogamous relationships, so you can learn how they are possible in the gay community.

Also, his behavior seems so outlandish, I wonder if he has been dropping you hints leading up to this? You said you have been "dating" for a while. How long is that? I am not saying you should've fucked on the third date or anything, but had you ever actually talked about sex or had sex? Maybe the amount of time you were dating, thing "fizzled out" for him, and he has been trying to drop you hints to just be friends, but you never picked up on the less obvious ones?

 

[mcbrion]

Totally agree with this. I think its not the gay community, but more so who you are targeting/ hanging out with in the gay community. Clearly the friends you consulted are an echo chamber of this same sentiment, so it might do you some good to start tapping into different social scenes, maybe some with people already in monogamous relationships, so you can learn how they are possible in the gay community.

Also, his behavior seems so outlandish, I wonder if he has been dropping you hints leading up to this? You said you have been "dating" for a while. How long is that? I am not saying you should've fucked on the third date or anything, but had you ever actually talked about sex or had sex? Maybe the amount of time you were dating, thing "fizzled out" for him, and he has been trying to drop you hints to just be friends, but you never picked up on the less obvious ones?

I like your phrase "echo-chamber" because so many gay men have friends who are only adults chronologically and reinforce all the most absurd, stupid myths. Like "all Black men are hung" (one that I really dislike and this board is no exception to the "Ooh, I met a Black guy with a Big Dick.") As a Black man, I can tell you, I wouldn't have a guy who said that as even a friend and I guarantee you MY (White) friends know better than to ever say that, unless they want to be read the Riot Act. It's pretty fucked up be reduced to a "thing" because of some bloody idiotic myth that people use as "the God's Honest Truth." (This was one of the reasons so many Black men were hung: because White Men thought the Black men were after their women. This is a case of people listening to their own negative mental processes to create horrible results, so I'm not big on stereotypes, such as "gay men just want sex.") Find a healthier stereotype, such as All Gays Are Happy People, All Buddhists are Enlightened, All Leaders have Good Moral Character, etc....

And, birds of a feather flock together, so we frequently acquire - when we are young - a group of friends who mirror our own internal beliefs, and lets get real they are such self-hating beliefs, that if you absorb this, you'll become either 1) an unhappy old man, or 2), a bitchy old man. Take it from someone whose been in gay culture since 1971, (Boston, New York and San Francisco), you can't hang around with the wrong people and get the right results. So, if you want to hear the more balanced side of relationships, start finding healthier and more balanced friends. The people you're consulting aren't.

 

[mcbrion]

Oh man, tons of guys come in here complaining that no one wants to be monogamous with them. I've always wondered why these guys don' just date each other.

No, all gay men aren't promiscuous, and yes, a bunch of them want monogamy. Maybe you just aren't looking at the ones who do.

Got that right!!!!!

 

[c750dt]

I've been with the same person since 2012 and as of today, the 16th of February 2017, I have been married for one year. As with a straight couple, there have been some testing moments. However, we're still together and ready to see what's in store in the years to come.

 

[Seasoned]

Monogamy isn't unrealistic, but waiting for someone with no sexual experience to come along and fall in love with you is unrealistic.

What you may want to reevaluated is holding out until marriage.