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Is my colleague dateable?

D

daniel85

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I have a colleague that I am on good terms with. We travelled together recently and had a lot of fun as friends/ co-workers. Since my workplace is of a special nature, we never had any discussions about our sexual orientation. I was never sure about whether he was gay or not. During that trip, while we were driving back, he started telling me about his relationship status. He said that his wife and he are separated, but remain good friends. (I always thought that he was married, so I never showed any romantic interest in him.)

Coincidentally, a few days later when we came back, I received a smilie face from a member on adam4dam. The profile description was shockingly similar to his actual situation, so I responded and it turned out that it was indeed him when he unlocked his pictures. I did't unlock mine and didn't follow up on his email at Adam4adam. Instead, I sent him a text message, and it read like this:
Let's rendezvous next Monday evening if your schedule permits. *** is the most romantic restaurant in town. You can check it out when we get there.

An hour later he responded by saying: OK sounds good. I don't think I've been there before.

Please correct me if I am wrong. I think he showed some interest in me as a potential date. However, one thing that concerns me is his profile description on Adam4Adam. He says that he is always looking for new friends and chooses only 'friendship' in the types of relationship he is interested in. He also states that he is looking for laid-back, career-minded professionals to hang out with, but is NOT looking for a hook-up.

As you probably know, Adam4Adam is mostly a sex site. From what I gather, he is usually logged on through his iphone most of the time. I am a relationship type guy, and would eventually like to find the significant other. Based on the information I provided, how likely do you think that he would be interested in starting a relationship? I guess that I can also ask him that question in person, but how would you phrase the question? English is not my mother tongue, and I certainly don't want to scare him off when we first start dating. However, it's important to me that I'm not spinning my wheels and wasting my time on someone whose interests are not aligned with mine. If you were me, when do you think you would handle the situation

Any advice would be highly appreciated.
 
If he only recently separated from his wife, it's unlikely that he will want a serious gay relationship now. More likely, he wants a friend to help him explore the gay world more and perhaps he wants/needs some casual sex too. It may be that you are just at different stages in life and that includes what you are looking for. Don't let it put you off meeting him but don't assume he's going to want to move in with you straight away or anything.

As for how to phrase the question start off asking about his separation from his wife and then " Do you see yourself being together with a man or a woman in future?". Since he made the first move to meet you it's likely he'll also want to let you know what he's looking for from the encounter.
 
I think Greendragon hit the nail on the head - he's probably moreso looking for a good friend he can come to with questions, someone who he can head out to the social scene with and be comfortable when meeting people.

He may look to take things to another level, but its best not to assume that - he may believe the stereotype that gay guys only want to hook up and aren't looking for relationships - trying to go to fast may make him think you only want to get in his pants.

The only other thing I'd suggest is not to dabble your pen in the company ink. Especially if he's still trying to figure out his situation... you could unintentionally make him very uncomfortable in the workplace.
 
Well, the real question is whether this guy needs a friend and whether it would be better for you to approach him to talk friend-to-friend- versus setting him up for a blind date with someone from A4A that he doesn't realize is a co-worker.

If you don't work directly for / with each other, then call him up, invite him out for a drink and a talk.
 
Absolutely not. I don't understand why you would think the guy is relationship material. He made it clear that he is only looking for friendship. I doubt you'll listen but that is what I see.
 
As much as I would like to comment in a positive way to you because you come across as sincere and hopeful, but I see two specific problems here. The first is the obvious co-worker issue. I would avoid any romantic contact if you work in the same department, sit on any committees together or if there is any potential of one of you supervising the other in the future. The second issue is that you have more information than he has. You know whom you're meeting, while he does not. That has the potential of making him angry and perhaps walking out of the restaurant upon finding out. He could see this as a form of stalking and get creeped out.

I wish your tale was different, meaning that when he unlocked his picture you would have done the same with a message-"OMG, do you believe this? Should we make plans for dinner or a drink?"

I think you have two choices, well three, if you go ahead as planned. While I'm not an advocate of lying, you could break the date, keep what you know to yourself until the grave or your 25th anniversary, which ever comes first, or, call or text him, telling him you have thought it over and decided that surprising him was not the good idea you thought it was after being surprised when he unlocked his picture. Tell him that you had a good time with him on the trip and that you'd like to continue to socialize. Tell him your sorry you got a little panicky and didn't immediately reveal yourself. If he stills keeps the date arrange to pick up the bill as your apology.

This is a lot to think about, but the way things are planned right now could backfire.

Good luck.
 
Thank you very much, everyone, for your detailed guidance. I am sorry about the confusion in my earlier post.

I text-messaged him using my cell phone number, so he knew that it was me, his colleague, who wanted to ask him out for dinner. It won't be a blind date.

I used 'rendezvous' and 'a romantic restaurant' in my text message, so I don't think he would confuse this outing with a regular buddy hang-out. The only thing he doesn't know is how I confirmed his sexual orientation, which I will certainly explain during the dinner.

I do agree with the co-worker concern raised by some of you. It may certainly come across as a conflict of interest issue, but the silver lining is that he is in transition right now. Sooner or later we don't have to concern ourselves with this issue any more.

I welcome any additional advice.

Daniel
 
I have no advice since i just read this and it appears that the dinner was last night. So i'll ask instead.

how did it go?
 
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