Is my friend bi? curious? or just playing a game?

[aijalon18]

I know this prolly seems like a million other posts. sorry it's kinda long. I have friend who Ive known since i was 14 and we're 25 now. I know for a fact he does like girls but I'm not so sure if he is totally straight. When we were younger our relationship was normal and strictly platonic, mainly because he was short, scrawny, had braces and always had a girlfriend in high school and college. So i had zero attraction to him.

We reconnected after college after he broke up with his fiance. He was now my height and had been hitting the gym and is pretty sexy. he moved kinda close to me and we started hanging out a bit. he knows I'm bi but still liked to hang out with me.

We both like to eat out at nice restaurants and go to the movies. I always tell him to bring other people if he wants but he never does. he always wants to go alone. And whenever we are out he always says that the people around us prolly think we're a gay couple. I would imagine they prolly think we are friends but he loves to go the gay route.

He often calls me his boyfriend as a joke and suggested it would be funny if we were boyfriends on facebook. I thought he was kidding but the next day i got an invite to be his boyfriend. So we are presently boyfriends on facebook and I'm a little confused. I dont wanna be his bf in real life. But I do wanna hit that and continue to be friends after.

We did have one sexual conversation where he said he would "let me blow him, since he heard guys give better head." I told him I am not the type to servicing some straight guy and be used and degraded. If I do anything it is mutual and reciprocal. After I said that there was just a long silence then we just started talking about something else.

I almost forgot to mention that one thing I think might be holding him back is his brother. His brother kinda raised him even though he is only 5 years older than us. He loves and respects his brother a lot. But his brother is really homophobic.i'm not sure how to address this whole thing. Is he just kidding around? I dont wanna look dumb. Sorry this is long.

 

[G-Lexington]

If you ask me, he wants some NSA sex from you. But on his terms. Basically, he wants you to blow him. You've responded that you're not really interested in just doing him - you want it in return. And that sort of shut him up.

I'd say next time the topic arises, get blunt. "Look, you keep sort of hinting around at stuff. Did you want to fuck around? I'm up for it if you are, but know that I'm not interested in just sucking some straight guy off. Either he's getting involved, too, or I ain't interested."

Lex

 

[Seasoned]

He may really want you as a bf, but doesn't know how to approach the subject. Before the two of you have sex make sure he knows that you just want to fuck around with him but not be boyfriends. That may be the point when he tells you he doesn't want to be used.

Hopefully things will be sorted out to mutual benefit. Good luck.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, and he may not be interested at all.

Well, you know what I'm going to say. If he's that good a friend and he knows you're gay, why the hell haven't you just asked?

Maybe because you know what the answer is?

 

[yourally]

Hmmm...sticky.

I'd say ask him point blank like Lex said, but don't make it awkward or make him feel pressured. Just casually bring it up more and more, till he's comfortable talking frankly about it.

Just know that sex can lead to feelings you don't want to deal with from him, and possibly even you. So think carefully and make it clear that'd it be "no strings attached" Sex could even mess with the friendship(not trying to be negative, but giving you all the sides here)

So REALLY think this through and I hope it works out well for both of you.

Best of luck to ya

 

[KaraBulut]

It seems that this guy likes pushing your buttons. Perhaps he's curious. Perhaps he's horny. Perhaps he's one of those guys who likes to act ghetto around black people and thinks that if he acts like the group then they will like him and he'll fit in.

Either way- it sounds like the two of you should have a talk about whether he's just playing around and joking or whether he's curious.

But keep in mind- sex with your straight friends can be confusing or can just fuck up the relationship- whether they can't get it up or whether they like it (too much).

 

[aijalon18]

Thanks guys. I never really thought about not being able to be friends if something happens. We're going on vacation together in June. I really dont wanna ruin anything before then. I really want a fun vacation.

But it's not just the 2 of us. Two of our other friends are coming as well. One is a guy who started a thread about before. Who was confirmed curious/bi but has a girlfriend. That guy pretty much did try to get me high and into bed at he and his gf's apartment. I definitely didnt want any part of that drama. The other is in the military and just came back from afghanistan. He identifies as straight, but has made out with guys before on dares and once just because it was new years'.

Sometimes I feel like there are very few guys who are truly straight. it seems like most guys I've known in my life have a strong curiousity about other guys.

 

[rareboy]

I would say that if they're curious, let them be curious with each other.

I agree with Lex. Lay your cards on the table.

 

[Spensed]

Sometimes I feel like there are very few guys who are truly straight. it seems like most guys I've known in my life have a strong curiousity about other guys.

That is not my experience. Most adult guys I know never cross the line.

You've got a couple of things going against you, if you have a sexual interest in your friend.

Firstly, the sexual foundation or dynamic is already wrong. Most guys know if they might be sexually available or interested in someone very quickly. It isn't something that evolves through friendship. To the contrary, in most cases, unless the couple make out early on, it becomes harder and harder to make out as friends. Obviously, there are exceptions if, for example, one is in a relationship with someone else and becomes available later. But, because of the chemistry and mystery of sex, the sequence is from sex to friendship and not vice versa.

Secondly, while guys can "hit that" and become friends and ex-lovers can stay friends, it is hard to keep an established platonic friendship going after a sexual encounter unless both guys are into it as sport or play sex. The odds are that you or he will want more from it

There are many other available guys that you could make out with without any of these issues coming into play. That would be the direction to channel your sexual energy and that would put your friendship in the right context.

Just my opinion, of course. Good luck.

 

[aijalon18]

That is not my experience. Most adult guys I know never cross the line.

You've got a couple of things going against you, if you have a sexual interest in your friend.

Firstly, the sexual foundation or dynamic is already wrong. Most guys know if they might be sexually available or interested in someone very quickly. It isn't something that evolves through friendship. To the contrary, in most cases, unless the couple make out early on, it becomes harder and harder to make out as friends. Obviously, there are exceptions if, for example, one is in a relationship with someone else and becomes available later. But, because of the chemistry and mystery of sex, the sequence is from sex to friendship and not vice versa.

Secondly, while guys can "hit that" and become friends and ex-lovers can stay friends, it is hard to keep an established platonic friendship going after a sexual encounter unless both guys are into it as sport or play sex. The odds are that you or he will want more from it

There are many other available guys that you could make out with without any of these issues coming into play. That would be the direction to channel your sexual energy and that would put your friendship in the right context.

Just my opinion, of course. Good luck.

Thanks for all your advice. But can I ask how old you are? Maybe I'm weird but it seems like we have the opposite experience of guys crossing the line. I was just curious to know if maybe you were from a different generation or maybe a more conservative background.

I'm 25 and since middle school I have been a guy guy. I'm not saying I'm super butch or some kinda lumberjack but i've always had a lot of guy friends (mostly straight but several gay friends too). I went to an all guys boarding school for high school. I've played soccer and track & field since I was about 7 and have always been in predominantly male environments.

And I have often found myself in situations with guys being curious or experimental with their sexuality. I have to clarify that the experimental side only comes out in one-on-one scenarios. In big groups, most of my straight guy friends are very conformist and take on the typical fratlike persona.

So for a long time in high school, college, and even today i started to feel like there few 100% straight guys. maybe it has something to do with my personality but people always share some of their deep secrets with me. Often things that have nothing to do with sex and things that I never wanted to know.

But as far as this goes I'm gonna hold of on making any big moves for a while. At least until after vacation. It should be too hard because he is busy with grad school and we prolly wont see each other much until vacation time.

 

[TX-Beau]

Sometimes I feel like there are very few guys who are truly straight. it seems like most guys I've known in my life have a strong curiousity about other guys.

That's not been my experience either, and it's a dangerous assumption to make. Most guys are definitely not gay. They're not going to date you, be your boyfriend, or anything else gay men want.

While I'm sure that a lot of guys have experimented in one form or another, joked around, played grab ass or whatever, that does not a gay/bi man make; any more than sleeping with women on the other side of the closet door made any of us who did that straight.

This is why I'm a huge fan of disclosure. It gets really old, and really tedious playing those kinds of games. It would be nice to think that we could all have the straight guys we wanted, but back here in reality, it's far better to target guys who'll actually kiss you and want you to take them to dinner.

 

[aijalon18]

That's not been my experience either, and it's a dangerous assumption to make. Most guys are definitely not gay. They're not going to date you, be your boyfriend, or anything else gay men want.

While I'm sure that a lot of guys have experimented in one form or another, joked around, played grab ass or whatever, that does not a gay/bi man make; any more than sleeping with women on the other side of the closet door made any of us who did that straight.

This is why I'm a huge fan of disclosure. It gets really old, and really tedious playing those kinds of games. It would be nice to think that we could all have the straight guys we wanted, but back here in reality, it's far better to target guys who'll actually kiss you and want you to take them to dinner.

I think you misunderstand me. i agree completely that most guys are not gay. But many guys are very curious about other guys. That does not mean they want to have a boyfriend or that they dont prefer women in most cases.

And I'm not talking about joking around and playing grab ass. I'm talking about trying to make out with me, writing me notes, climbing in bed with me, and constantly making sexual comments about other guys. And in high school this was while I was closeted.

All I'm saying is that many guys are curious and do explore their curiosity in some cases. I dont use this to direct my real dating life. In fact i've passed up many of these opportunities because I had the common sense and foresight to realize that it prolly wouldnt end well.

If I was looking for a real relationship with a guy, it wouldnt be any guys that fit into this maybe category. But I definitely am not.

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

I fully empathize with being one that gets a lot of unsolicited ["personal"] disclosures from friends and even acquaintances. My first and last boyfriend (same guy, and ha ha, same lesson) is bisexual and quite the player. Not to demean all bisexuals by any means, please, but it was way back during our first relationship that I decided to not to involve myself with other bisexuals, much less those that are just "curious."

Despite my being in extremely RURAL nw (BFE) Wisconsin, I was astounded by how many closet-cases there are up here. Now when introduced the relatively same amount per capita ratio of "curious" folk out in San Diego, I merely inferred it to be of a more metropolitan freedom / lifestyle. Years later, I too have come to the conclusion that most people do indeed have or have had a same-sex curiosity, but for whatever reason, he or she consciously choose not to share this others, much less act upon it.

Side note: The trust you engender in others is an attribute

 

[Lube]

I'm 25 and since middle school I have been a guy guy. I'm not saying I'm super butch or some kinda lumberjack but i've always had a lot of guy friends (mostly straight but several gay friends too). I went to an all guys boarding school for high school. I've played soccer and track & field since I was about 7 and have always been in predominantly male environments.

Well, those are the gayest sports since bicycling and volleyball.

I think what you're seeing is a lot of closeted guys. But then, my personal theory is that we hang out with people who are like ourselves, so you're just hanging out with other gay/bi men, whether they admit it or not.

Back to the original question...

I think it's pretty clear that your friend is gay, has a huge crush on you, but cannot admit to you (or himself?) that he's gay/bi.

C'mon. No straight guy over the age of 11 is going to want to be your bf on Facebook.

You can ask him straight out, but that might scare him.

The thing is, you've made it clear (to us, anyway) that while you might want to shag him, you don't want him to be your bf. His ego could be in for a crushing defeat.

I'd tread carefully.

 

[aijalon18]

Well, those are the gayest sports since bicycling and volleyball.

I think what you're seeing is a lot of closeted guys. But then, my personal theory is that we hang out with people who are like ourselves, so you're just hanging out with other gay/bi men, whether they admit it or not.

Back to the original question...

I think it's pretty clear that your friend is gay, has a huge crush on you, but cannot admit to you (or himself?) that he's gay/bi.

C'mon. No straight guy over the age of 11 is going to want to be your bf on Facebook.

You can ask him straight out, but that might scare him.

The thing is, you've made it clear (to us, anyway) that while you might want to shag him, you don't want him to be your bf. His ego could be in for a crushing defeat.

I'd tread carefully.

Hey it's not football or hockey. But how are soccer and track gay sports? I wasnt really bringing up the sports to emphasize gay or straightness. But just to reinforce the my history of being in predominantly male environments.

And a lot of the guys have not been people I sought to be friends with. Half of them were guys i thought were total douche bags. In prep school and college they were guys I just happened to live with.

But as far as this guy goes. I didnt really crush his ego. I made it clear I'm gonna be servicing him and getting nothing in return. Unfortunately a lot of low self-esteem gay guys have set this standard of being grateful to service and be degraded by straight guys. So some straight guys think it is expected.

And i know that it's hard to convey w/o knowing him but i know he is not gay. I know he would never really have a boyfriend. I think his whole "you're my boyfriend" nonsense is more of his way of saying he wants to smush w/o saying it.

 

[Reality101]

Yes op, a lot of men are curious whether they act on it or not. This has been my experience too.

I agree with Lex's post. Take that route with your friend

 

[Lube]

Hey it's not football or hockey. But how are soccer and track gay sports? I wasnt really bringing up the sports to emphasize gay or straightness. But just to reinforce the my history of being in predominantly male environments.

And a lot of the guys have not been people I sought to be friends with. Half of them were guys i thought were total douche bags. In prep school and college they were guys I just happened to live with.

But as far as this guy goes. I didnt really crush his ego. I made it clear I'm gonna be servicing him and getting nothing in return. Unfortunately a lot of low self-esteem gay guys have set this standard of being grateful to service and be degraded by straight guys. So some straight guys think it is expected.

And i know that it's hard to convey w/o knowing him but i know he is not gay. I know he would never really have a boyfriend. I think his whole "you're my boyfriend" nonsense is more of his way of saying he wants to smush w/o saying it.

I very much respect you for having the balls to stand up to him and not have non-reciprocal sex. As you say, too many gay/bi guys fall for that fantasy.

I didn't mean to say you crushed his ego by saying that, though. I was trying to say that not wanting to be his boyfriend might crush his ego.

And in terms of sports? Gay men tend more towards sports like bicycling, running, track, soccer, and softball, while it would be harder (but not impossible) to find lots of gay men involved in rugby or football. Just as one example, locally we have a whole gay softball league (over a dozen teams) but just one gay rugby team for the whole state (and they have to fill in with a few straight guys).

And in terms of track, especially, twinks seem to fit that mold rather well.

reinforce my history of being in predominantly male environments.

Well, going to gay bars or bear runs is being in predominantly male environments, and that wouldn't mean I'm straight.

Just because you don't hang around women, doesn't automatically make you around straight guys. There are lots of homoerotic "straight" groupings of men that aren't really as straight as you're led to believe: from boy scouts to college fraternities to the priesthood to the military.

 

[aijalon18]

Soccer and running are gay sports? I have never heard any of your stereotypes about gay sports. The only thing I have heard of being "gay" sports are cheerleading, gymnastics, and figure-skating. I think you are making some pretty unfair assumptions.

And I think we are getting lost somewhere. Ive never been in boy scouts, priesthood, a frat, or the military. I was merely explaining that I'm usually around guys, most of my friends are guys, Ive been on teams with guys, at work i talk to a lot guys, and in my daily life I typically hang out with guys. I'm not trying to say I'm so macho and manly. I just dont enjoy the company of girls for the most part. I'm not opposed to the idea of being friends with women but I just dont naturally form bonds with women on a friendship level.

 

[Lube]

Relax. I'm not saying anyone who plays soccer or is a priest is necessarily gay. Nor am I claiming that you do any of those things.

I'm just pointing out that some "men-only" jobs, sports, or activities are not necessarily filled with mostly straight guys. That's all.

The ones you mentioned (cheerleading, gymnastics, & figure skating) are pretty over-the-top and very stereotypical. There are others that are perhaps less obvious and less stereotypical; you just need to open your eyes. I doubt there are many gay "bears" that can cheerlead or figureskate. Ha ha. Gays come in all shapes and sizes. Don't let the stereotypes blind you.

 

[phonex]

No one cares if there is no drama such as sucking cocks in the change rooms LOL