Is the thrill gone?

[sammyyummy]

My boyfriend and I have had a most eventful relationship. It started off as friendship, cautiously progressing into playfulness and when we were both ready and unattached, into a passionate relationship.

Recently however things started to look different.
After he took a week long biz trip to Hong Kong, and when we couldnt catch each other due to time differences, i thought the distance and absence would make us literally rush in.
That didnt happen, instead we felt disjointed apart and disconnected together. It was like two glass slides with drops of water in between, stuck together but never quite making a deep connection so easily achieved before.

We made an effort to set aside time for each in other to rebuild that strong connection again yet despite talking about our seeming alienation, it still would not seem to work. we felt disrupted, interrupted and apart even when we were together.

in addition, we seem to be spending less and less time together, more time apart and when we are together, we argue over almost everything now.

its confusing cuz when one of us deliberately tries to be scarce, he would leave messages professing he misses me.

we tried again. since i felt very distanced and didnt miss him as i used to, i tried to be creative. i sent him some naughty pics in the hopes that it would make him rush to me since i didnt feel the "rushing in" feeling towards him. but nothing, pffftt and we even argues about that as well.

at one point he pointed that maybe i was used to guys sniffing me around so he was trying not to be those guys wrapped around my fingers; and at another point he alluded to a sort of competition or power struggle between us which insulted me but i brushed aside since i didnt want to argue no more.

he is on a biz trip again to europe and he left a couple of messages before he left and then nothing. he has not returned but in one of those messages he said he was so busy he wouldnt really be able to talk for at least a week.

on one end, i want to understand, i mean he did leave some messages. on the other, being busy never stopped us before.

im confused.
is the thrill gone?
is it time for me to cut my losses before my heart breaks into far too many pieces?
are we deluding ourselves into thinking that something is there when its really no more than polite obligation?
is my need to cut it off a sign that i myself have resigned to it being dead regardless of what the other party thinks and feels about it?
i really miss him but not as much as before and perhaps because to me it seems the end is near?
did our relationship arive DOA before and we were trying to resuscitate something thats already crossed over?

please advise. be brutally frank if you must. i need as much input as possible.

thanks

 

[rareboy]

Yup.

Absence doesn't necessarily make the heart grow fonder.

The problem is the leaving messages thing.

If you were really into each other, nothing would stand in the way of being apart and the yearning that both of you felt would just about tear you in two.

Go out shopping and then dump him.

 

[isuckmen]

Have you tried to just simply sit down and talk to him about this? I dont mean in a coffee shop but like at your place over dinner? I wouldnt be really blunt, but say that

"We need to talk about where this is going, to me it seems like after your trip to Hong Kong we started to slip apart... I dont mean that to sound like its your fault I am just saying we are having problems, I love you I really do but we need ot figure this thing oujt together."

Dunno just a thought, that would be my plan of attack. Then see where that goes from there.

Spence

 

[Rand]

As I read your note, you two were apart and when you got back together again, you felt something was missing - you did not have the connection.

Do you think he cheated on you? Do you feel angry or annoyed at him because he is jetting all over the place and you are staying behind?

Are you both trying to connect or is it one sided and if so, who is really making the efforts? Not having his side, it is hard for us to know. However, when I read your story, I got the feeling that you felt hurt and you were the one having the problems connecting again.

Relationships require work, however, if it is no longer worth that effort to you, then yes, go shopping and move on.

 

[Eagle653]

You didn't say how long you've been together, but sometimes the familiar is not as exciting and fun as the process of "falling in love" in which you find out new and fun things about the other and there's a stronger sense of passion and "missing" someone when they're not there.

It sounds like one of two things are happening, and only you two can really tell which one. Either,

One, you just need to jazz up your existence because you two are in a rut. The cure for that is to get out of your routine. Book a weekend together--some place you two either love, or have never been to before. Schedule leisurely dinners and go for walks. Spend some quality time together to just talk and talk through these difficulties that you are both feeling. Surprise him with a little gift along the way; make a surprise reservation at his favorite restaurant. You two fell in love once, and probably for several reasons. Bring those reasons back up, and fall in love all over again.

Or,

Two, you've drifted apart and the relationship has gotten stale or boring or one of you has grown beyond it. This can be repaired, but it's a fundamentally different situation than just stuck in a boring routine and needing some spice. This requires either many heart-to-heart talks in which there's total honesty and all options (including calling it quits) is on the table. In these situations, couples counseling can really help because it's sometimes easier to talk when a professional is guiding the conversation, keeping it on course, not letting it get out of hand, and looking at things as a outsider.

Just based on what you said, I bet you're nipping this in the bud, and for that I congratulate you. Too many people just ignore signs like this or go into deny or sulk. You're sensitive enough to know something's amiss and you're willing to face and tackle it. If anyone can get past this hurdle, you two probably can.

Good luck. Keep in touch and let us know what's going on.

 

[sammyyummy]

After four days in Europe, i received the email below:

"Alas, my internet connection has been a little spotty. Here I am, in Paris, thinking of you, the pictures , and the flurry of e-mails you sent as I was sitting on the tarmac waiting to lift off. Although i'm not sure you'll believe me, I've missed u much this past week. TRUE STORY. Attached is a Paris picture I thought you'd like. Paris' an interesting place. My friends and I have been galavanting around being our usual selves. I can't wait to get back home to Boston and FINALLY get to sit still for a sec.

I know there are times where it might seem like i drop off the map, but I'm still here. Thinking of you from miles away as always :-D"

I try to be as cheerful and supportive. The last time we talked about each other's oversees experiences, he accused me of not being as supportive and understanding when HE IS the one out of the US.

That kinda scarred. When I went to HK and Florence, despite, inspite of the time differences there was never a single day we didnt speak. Furthermore, we spoke the usual time we always did which meant I stayed up either pretty late (when I was in Asia) or woke up pretty early (when I was in Europe) just so our routine was maintained. But when he was out, the floodgates of disruption was in full swing.

Was my conduct really inconsiderate and self centered during MY overseas trips?
Or this discrepancy with how we assuaged our situations truly exists or is it just clouds in my eyes?

The email struck me as playful as he always is. there is a certain danger about playfulness - a coying lack of deep sincerity (half meant endearment), and a certain recklessness as well.

I dislike the "i miss you messages" because they seem like bland words especially when the actions are not congruent. I hate it much more because it deceptively plays a tug of war between my emotions (words ARE powerful) and a keep-it-together logical sensibility ( see how he acts ).

I still have the same affection for him albeit not as strong. But the question is: should i stay on this road? Am I deluding myself into thinking there is still something alive left to be saved, salvaged and even nurtured? Or am I fooling myself knowing fully well that words are words and they may sink deep but the ship has already sailed?

My situation is so lived by that Lauryn Hill classic "Ex-Factor":

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To gain some reciprocity

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To gain some reciprocity


This is wringing my heart so bad. It hurts.

 

[Eagle653]

You know your partner's writing style and in-person style much better than any of us. But, I thought it was a nice note. It's the type my own partner would send. I often find a dis-connnect between people's email writing styles and their innermost feelings and even behaviors. I think it's because people multi-task and write in cryptic short bursts of thoughts to save time and energy (usually stemming from a dislike of keyboarding).

You two seem to travel to exotic places for business. Do you ever go along with each other? I know it might not be possible to go on every trip together, but could one or the other schedule vacation time and accompany the other to some of those places? Many of the cities you've mentioned are famous for romance, history, food, museums, and natural beauty. Instead of sending brief "I miss you" emails, wouldn't it be better to have you waiting for him in his hotel room when he gets down with his day (or vice versa)? Talk about getting out a routine and rut and adding some spice to life!

Also...what about phones instead of emails? Sometimes, it's just nice to talk in real-time and hear their voice.

 

[isuckmen]

Yeah and definilty try to go with him on trips! That could revive the relationship i think!

 

[sammyyummy]

i guess im wrestling with the possibility that these "i miss you messages" are meant to fuck with my head and feelings - a way to tug at my chain and keep me for awhile.

If we go by history, even when we were both busy, we managed to find time. why is it so difficult for him to do so now?

missing him is becoming unhealthy. at some point i really need to cut it.
would it be to acerbic to say missing him is sickening, him not finding the time is unacceptable and i have stood by long enough to be neglected.

love sucks. i need to kill it, right?

 

[sammyyummy]

After a couple of days, we managed to sit down and talk about it. We were playful at first as I deliberately wanted things to start off light and breezy then eventually progress.

I asked him the questions that I had asked myself: Are we in a slump? Is the thril still there? He gave the affirmative with the "its temporary though. But I think you are not understanding of my situation."

I asked if he felt detached? I inquired if he felt numb? He gave the negative.

So the questions were turned back to me: I think we are in a slump and has been for 1 1/2 months. I try to understand your situation but please do not belittle the efforts I made when I was out of the country yet our communication lines remained open. The thrill is gone for me. I feel detached and tired. I do not feel anything anymore.

Tonight as I walked along the dark streets, I felt something. Something unexpected, something unfamiliar - I felt sad. The sorrow surged through me not so much out of any regret over what had transpired but that I witnessed something die today.

Perhaps a part of me or a dream I thought was finally coming into fruition, or even a feeling I thought was so alive and full of love that it would never ever dry up actually ended.

I walked down that street alone tonight, alone for the first time in a long while holding the hand I always held in the toughest situations - my own. I walked silently, making peace with what had transpired. And in that silence, I finally heard my heart break.

 

[Eagle653]

^^^I want to echo what huntneo says. He's said it all, as have you.

I'm sorry that you don't see any hope in your future with him. This has to be one of the most difficult periods of your life, and something difficult to grasp.

I hope you find peace in the days ahead. I'm sorry it didn't turn out differently.