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Is there a point to "coming out" if youre single?
- Thread starter ladude2011
- Start date
Im 21 and i just came to terms with my own sexuality within the last 2 months iv known that i was gay since a kid but knowing and actualy awknologing it are to differerent things. I decided to come out to some online friends... It was scary... I was Soooo terrified pf what they would think and how they would react... And you know what? They were very supportive... And afterwards i felt so... Free... After years of dening who i am i finnalyfeel that weight lifting from my shoulders... Last weekend i came out to my mom...(who i live with atm) It took me 3 tries to get the words out (over an hour period in all lol) but again once i did it i began to more confortable with who i am... This weekend ill be telling my dad and younger brother... (who i do not live with) Im scared but i know that once i do ill finnaly be free of lies and can get to know the real me... Get a boyfriend for once... (i havnt even had my first kiss yet lol) Have some fun 
But when it comes down to it you have to decide what you want for yourself... Iys a scary prospect but in the end its worth it... It relieves you of a burden you may not have known existed
And if you find some of your friends (if this is a worry for you) will be unsuportave... Then were they really your friends?
But anyways... Its your life... You have to do what you feel confortable with and if you decide to come out do it at your own pace.... Starts small then get bigger once you get going its hard to stop... Sure some people may make fun of you but who gives a crap? You are who you are and denying it is only hurting yourself!
Oh btw sorry for the spelling posting this on my ipod
But when it comes down to it you have to decide what you want for yourself... Iys a scary prospect but in the end its worth it... It relieves you of a burden you may not have known existed
And if you find some of your friends (if this is a worry for you) will be unsuportave... Then were they really your friends?
But anyways... Its your life... You have to do what you feel confortable with and if you decide to come out do it at your own pace.... Starts small then get bigger
once you get going its hard to stop... Sure some people may make fun of you but who gives a crap? You are who you are and denying it is only hurting yourself!Oh btw sorry for the spelling posting this on my ipod
I pretty much felt the same way as the OP, but decided to try the coming out thing anyway. I came out to my sister first, and... it didn't change anything at all. It felt like too much of a chore, so I haven't come out to anyone else since (though to be fair, I don't have any close friends right now; if I did, I probably would've told them too). I certainly wouldn't mind if anyone found out, and might even prefer it, but I just... can't be arsed. And I feel absolutely fine.
A boyfriend would certainly change a lot, though. If I had a boyfriend, then of course I'd come out (albeit passively), because it wouldn't just be about me anymore, but holy crap am I not ready for a relationship. So yeah, don't see the point. If it's not eating away at you in the slightest, then why bother? I say forget about it until it actually matters.
A boyfriend would certainly change a lot, though. If I had a boyfriend, then of course I'd come out (albeit passively), because it wouldn't just be about me anymore, but holy crap am I not ready for a relationship. So yeah, don't see the point. If it's not eating away at you in the slightest, then why bother? I say forget about it until it actually matters.
Lube
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What a beautiful post!Im 21 and i just came to terms with my own sexuality within the last 2 months iv known that i was gay since a kid but knowing and actualy awknologing it are to differerent things. I decided to come out to some online friends... It was scary... I was Soooo terrified pf what they would think and how they would react... And you know what? They were very supportive... And afterwards i felt so... Free... After years of dening who i am i finnalyfeel that weight lifting from my shoulders... Last weekend i came out to my mom...(who i live with atm) It took me 3 tries to get the words out (over an hour period in all lol) but again once i did it i began to more confortable with who i am... This weekend ill be telling my dad and younger brother... (who i do not live with) Im scared but i know that once i do ill finnaly be free of lies and can get to know the real me... Get a boyfriend for once... (i havnt even had my first kiss yet lol) Have some fun
But when it comes down to it you have to decide what you want for yourself... Iys a scary prospect but in the end its worth it... It relieves you of a burden you may not have known existed
And if you find some of your friends (if this is a worry for you) will be unsuportave... Then were they really your friends?
But anyways... Its your life... You have to do what you feel confortable with and if you decide to come out do it at your own pace.... Starts small then get bigger
Oh btw sorry for the spelling posting this on my ipod
ladude2011
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Im on the same page as you. I think I might prefer it if people found out, but it just seems like such a chore to go and tell this person and that person. i'm fine if they dont know. Its not eating away at me of people not knowing. And yes if i had a bf i would of course not hide it. but like you am not ready mentally for one yet. But yes, when i am in a relationship, that is when it will matter. Until then, it really doesnt. For me anyway.
Ganoderma
JUB Addict
hi Aspinn,
thanks alot for you very nice posting. I can imagine very well that you fee right now much more freedom. I hope all will also go fine when you out yourself to your dad and to your younger brother.
You told us that you will soon start to go to college again, and as well in a total different area like where you are right now. Quite likely, there will also be other gays over there, so I hope you will be able to make some gay friends over there as well. Take your time, and keep relaxed, and built up your new life from this good start. Indeed, just ignore people who have inferiour ideas about GLTB's, don't waste time discussing these items with them. Who knows, maybe you can soon present your mum another surprize ('its a boy, and we like each other very much, and I would like to introduce him to you.)
---------------------
Hi Puddle,
Good to hear you have told it to your sister, and that this did not change anything at all. Also very good to hear that you don't mind if anyone else might find out. Do you know for 100% sure that your sister will not discuss these kind of things with one or more of her best female friends? And how about other girls / females in your nearby surroundings (school / work / leisure)? Quite a few girls have a well-developed gaydar, and maybe you are already detected by their radar.
Having a BF is indeed an easy way to let people know that you are 'into guys', and I agree with you that there are issues which can make it uncomfortable to tell people / friends / members of your family 'hey, can I tell u something 'in private', ehhhh). Straight guys don't need to do that. They talk about girls, or they have a GF, etc.
On the other hand, potential BF's / lovers / gay friends will be able to find you (=the nice guy Puddle) more easily when they also know that 'Puddle is not into girls'. You tell us you are 'not yet ready' for a boyfriend, but what about having guyfriends who are gay/bi? Alot of open gays have gay friends, and don't 'date' with them, but they are just good friends of each other.
I mean, being open works on two sides for guys like you.
Very likely, you will not (yet?) be able to identify 'a nice guy without a girlfriend' behaving identical as you (ie gay but not yet open), but it is very likely (?) that this 'nice guy' will also not be able to identify you (=Puddle, a nice guy without a girlfriend) as a gay. So both of you 'walk around each other in circles '. Being open is a step ahead to come out of this circle.
Others over here are right that you are the one who must decide what to do. I would like to wish you good luck. Keep posting over here any question you might have.
thanks alot for you very nice posting. I can imagine very well that you fee right now much more freedom. I hope all will also go fine when you out yourself to your dad and to your younger brother.
You told us that you will soon start to go to college again, and as well in a total different area like where you are right now. Quite likely, there will also be other gays over there, so I hope you will be able to make some gay friends over there as well. Take your time, and keep relaxed, and built up your new life from this good start. Indeed, just ignore people who have inferiour ideas about GLTB's, don't waste time discussing these items with them. Who knows, maybe you can soon present your mum another surprize ('its a boy, and we like each other very much, and I would like to introduce him to you.)
---------------------
Hi Puddle,
Good to hear you have told it to your sister, and that this did not change anything at all. Also very good to hear that you don't mind if anyone else might find out. Do you know for 100% sure that your sister will not discuss these kind of things with one or more of her best female friends? And how about other girls / females in your nearby surroundings (school / work / leisure)? Quite a few girls have a well-developed gaydar, and maybe you are already detected by their radar.
Having a BF is indeed an easy way to let people know that you are 'into guys', and I agree with you that there are issues which can make it uncomfortable to tell people / friends / members of your family 'hey, can I tell u something 'in private', ehhhh). Straight guys don't need to do that. They talk about girls, or they have a GF, etc.
On the other hand, potential BF's / lovers / gay friends will be able to find you (=the nice guy Puddle) more easily when they also know that 'Puddle is not into girls'. You tell us you are 'not yet ready' for a boyfriend, but what about having guyfriends who are gay/bi? Alot of open gays have gay friends, and don't 'date' with them, but they are just good friends of each other.
I mean, being open works on two sides for guys like you.
Very likely, you will not (yet?) be able to identify 'a nice guy without a girlfriend' behaving identical as you (ie gay but not yet open), but it is very likely (?) that this 'nice guy' will also not be able to identify you (=Puddle, a nice guy without a girlfriend) as a gay. So both of you 'walk around each other in circles '. Being open is a step ahead to come out of this circle.
Others over here are right that you are the one who must decide what to do. I would like to wish you good luck. Keep posting over here any question you might have.
Thanks for the reply, Ganoderma. I know for sure that my sister won't say anything to anyone (she doesn't think it's worth mentioning, and even if she did, she's just not the kind of person to do something like that). As for other people, I don't actually talk to anyone at uni (sad, I know), and I don't have a job, so even if anyone did figure it out, I don't think they'll suddenly start talking to me because of that. Like I said, if I had any close friends right now, I'd probably tell them, but I don't.
Regarding other gay guys... well, I'm not too fond of befriending someone just because they're gay, and as for potential boyfriends... not going to happen. I'm about as desirable as an infected scab, so I don't think anyone would suffer any losses if I stay out of the market.
I guess my real issue is that my life isn't really going anywhere... Need to finish uni, get a job, make some friends, maybe pick up a new hobby... Ah, but that's not the point of this thread. Sorry for going off-topic!
Regarding other gay guys... well, I'm not too fond of befriending someone just because they're gay, and as for potential boyfriends... not going to happen. I'm about as desirable as an infected scab, so I don't think anyone would suffer any losses if I stay out of the market.
I guess my real issue is that my life isn't really going anywhere... Need to finish uni, get a job, make some friends, maybe pick up a new hobby... Ah, but that's not the point of this thread. Sorry for going off-topic!
Ganoderma
JUB Addict
hi Puddle,
Thanks for telling me a bit more about your background. I was wondering about the meaning of your signature 'Mechanical Birds'. What does this mean? Has it anything to do with music? I did a quick online search with Google, but I did not get a clear picture out of it.
Ah, and you seem to be an Australian and you are a student at one of the universities at Sydney. How do you know for sure that there are no other students over there who would like be become friends with you?
For sure, there are alot of other gay students at your uni. And I am also sure there are enough other straight students (females as well as males) with whom you can spend time together, or do things together, especially with the ones with whom you anything in common (can be anything). Universities are an ideal surrounding to make alot of contacts with other people, and there are so many possibilities to find 'like-minded' people, that I was wondering why you would be unable to find anyone over there / any group over there who fits with your ideas about 'like-minded people'.
Based on what you have told us over here, you are nice and a friendly and a well-educated student, so no need to worry about issues like "I'm about as desirable as an infected scab." That's just about the out side of a guy. For sure, there will be loads of handsome male fellow-students walking around over there, but that does not mean that you should not be able to make contact with other guys.
On the one hand you are right by stating "I'm not too fond of befriending someone just because they're gay." On the other hand, being (more or less) closed / not interested may also prevent other gays to get in contact with you. I mean, maybe some other gay students over there do have an interest in you as a person, and would like to know you better (eg, as they think that you are an interesting guy). So why not give them a chance?
Puddle wrote:
I tend to disagree with you that your real issue ("my life isn't really going anywhere") isn't the point of this thread.
Towards my opinion, this statement is a major point of this issue. You, and other posters in this thread and in other threads over here, are now in a position that your future is very open.
I mean, no need to bother about childeren and so on, and you are free to do what you want, and what you don't want to do. You live in Australia, and that's not a country where it is really tough for a gay to live. Yous Aussi passport makes it very easy to travel abroad, and to get more knowledge about what's going in other countries.
Why do you think that your life is not really going anywhere? I mean, you are a student, so you are an intelligent guy, you seem in terms with yourself that you are gay, you have an Australian passport, your sister does not care you are gay. So what is the real problem?
Feel free to post a reply, but feel free as well not to post a reply. I mean, it is your life and I don't want to tell you that you have to do 'this or that'. On the other hand, there are alot of people over here, on JUB, who are very willing to help you to get a more clear picture about your future, and who are always willing to answer all kind of questions.
Best wishes & good luck.
Thanks for telling me a bit more about your background. I was wondering about the meaning of your signature 'Mechanical Birds'. What does this mean? Has it anything to do with music? I did a quick online search with Google, but I did not get a clear picture out of it.
Ah, and you seem to be an Australian and you are a student at one of the universities at Sydney. How do you know for sure that there are no other students over there who would like be become friends with you?
For sure, there are alot of other gay students at your uni. And I am also sure there are enough other straight students (females as well as males) with whom you can spend time together, or do things together, especially with the ones with whom you anything in common (can be anything). Universities are an ideal surrounding to make alot of contacts with other people, and there are so many possibilities to find 'like-minded' people, that I was wondering why you would be unable to find anyone over there / any group over there who fits with your ideas about 'like-minded people'.
Based on what you have told us over here, you are nice and a friendly and a well-educated student, so no need to worry about issues like "I'm about as desirable as an infected scab." That's just about the out side of a guy. For sure, there will be loads of handsome male fellow-students walking around over there, but that does not mean that you should not be able to make contact with other guys.
On the one hand you are right by stating "I'm not too fond of befriending someone just because they're gay." On the other hand, being (more or less) closed / not interested may also prevent other gays to get in contact with you. I mean, maybe some other gay students over there do have an interest in you as a person, and would like to know you better (eg, as they think that you are an interesting guy). So why not give them a chance?
Puddle wrote:
I tend to disagree with you that your real issue ("my life isn't really going anywhere") isn't the point of this thread.
Towards my opinion, this statement is a major point of this issue. You, and other posters in this thread and in other threads over here, are now in a position that your future is very open.
I mean, no need to bother about childeren and so on, and you are free to do what you want, and what you don't want to do. You live in Australia, and that's not a country where it is really tough for a gay to live. Yous Aussi passport makes it very easy to travel abroad, and to get more knowledge about what's going in other countries.
Why do you think that your life is not really going anywhere? I mean, you are a student, so you are an intelligent guy, you seem in terms with yourself that you are gay, you have an Australian passport, your sister does not care you are gay. So what is the real problem?
Feel free to post a reply, but feel free as well not to post a reply. I mean, it is your life and I don't want to tell you that you have to do 'this or that'. On the other hand, there are alot of people over here, on JUB, who are very willing to help you to get a more clear picture about your future, and who are always willing to answer all kind of questions.
Best wishes & good luck.
Thanks guys and yes gandoderma going to school for the first time actualy (network admin/security) i am looking forward to meeting some new people! Told my dad and brother today... They were great 
and completly supportive!!! Im finding its getting easier and easier to tell people! Feels great! Anyways im exhausted haha finnished packing now i have to load up the truck (moving to the city were my school is located
But as for coming out of the closet... Is it worth it?
Yes!
and completly supportive!!! Im finding its getting easier and easier to tell people! Feels great! Anyways im exhausted haha finnished packing now i have to load up the truck (moving to the city were my school is located But as for coming out of the closet... Is it worth it?
Yes!
Ganoderma
JUB Addict
hi Aspinn,
Thanks for posting your update. Great to hear you have told it to your dad and brother and that both of them are very supportive. I assume that this also means that your feeling of 'freedom' has been increased.
I hope everything will go smoothly during the move to your new city and that you and your mother will be able to setlle yourself quickly over there. I also would like to wish you good luck with your new school. I hope you will like it over there, and that you will be able to make nice new friends as well over there.
Right now, no need anymore to people in your new area to pretend / assume that you are straight. You are 'Aspinn', and sooner or later people will find out, on one way or on another way (e.g because you tell them, or because they see u with a BF) that you are gay.
Best wishes & good luck.
Thanks for posting your update. Great to hear you have told it to your dad and brother and that both of them are very supportive. I assume that this also means that your feeling of 'freedom' has been increased.
I hope everything will go smoothly during the move to your new city and that you and your mother will be able to setlle yourself quickly over there. I also would like to wish you good luck with your new school. I hope you will like it over there, and that you will be able to make nice new friends as well over there.
Right now, no need anymore to people in your new area to pretend / assume that you are straight. You are 'Aspinn', and sooner or later people will find out, on one way or on another way (e.g because you tell them, or because they see u with a BF) that you are gay.
Best wishes & good luck.