Is there such a thing as emotional cheating?

[madeinjersey]

I am a married gay man, my husband and I have been together for over 5 years and married for almost 2 years. We've never had an open relationship. For the past year our sex life has been sparse, and for the past 6 months non existant.

I recently discovered that he was living an entire fake life online where he wasn't married, and was meeting, chatting, and sometimes showing off and jerking off with other guys. Sometimes it was chatting about casual things, some times it almost seemed like cyber dates that would end it cyber sex. Sometimes he would even go on his webcam with other guys.

One particular time he went on cam with his ex boyfriend who was his first time and his first love and they jerked off together.

This whole thing has really upset me because the whole time he was doing this he didn't want to touch me.

So, a few questions,
1) Is this cheating even though he wasn't with anyone physically?
2) If you were in a commited LT monogomous relationship would this upset you?

We have decided to try to work through our problems, but I can't stop thinking about what he did, and what he said to these boys. It's only been a little over two weeks since I found out, but it's christmas and I feel like a total loser.

 

[sixthson]

Unfaithfulness begins in the heart and mind before the actual act takes place. This is cheating, in my opinion. Not only is he separating from you emotionally, he is pushing you away physically. You have a right to be upset.

I'm glad you have decided to work through your problems. If you intend to stay together, he needs to come clean completely and you will need to forgive him. Best of luck to you.

 

[Kulindahr]

You should drop this one on Dan Savage -- he'd have some good thoughts.

Mine... communicate. People spend the few years before a commitment like marriage getting to know all the things they have in common, that bring delight because they help two people mesh. Then they spend a year or so in bliss. After that they spend a few years learning all the places where what one wants, desires, and hopes for doesn't match what the other wants, desires, and hopes for.

At that point people often start to do what your husband has: decide to fulfill some of those unmet things on their own. Almost as often they decide to do it secretly. All to often, when the other person finds out, it leads to accusations, recriminations, and, often enough, breaking up. It sounds like you've avoided the worst, though, so congratulations.

Is it cheating? Well, the question is what it feels like. If it feels like cheating to you, that doesn't mean it is, but it means you need to tell him, "It feels like you cheated". He may not feel like it was cheating -- then you have something to set straight together.

But in the end you have to find out what he thought was missing that made him turn elsewhere to meet needs, and figure out how close the two of you can come.

Hang in there. Apply hugs as needed, especially to each other.

 

[Rolyo85]

I would agree that to me this would be cheating. And I also agree that it is possible he doesn't consider it such, and therefore communication is needed.

That said, whether it's cheating or not, what it most certainly IS, is a symptom. And a red flag for something that could be your fault. This is not to try and instil guilt in you, but you should think about this - if a man has a living partner, yet prefers online sex, what is the reason jerking off has become a better sexual outlet than the living partner? Clearly there is a problem, and whether you have actually done something wrong or not, you are clearly part of that problem. You need to confront him about it - not in terms of arguing and fighting, but having an honest conversation and finding out why he prefers his hand and strangers to his own husband.

Your are not a "total loser", but there has been something you've missed, and you need to figure out what it is. It could be something that you could work on and fix, or maybe not, but one way or another, you should have a serious sit down, and if you can't resolve it with a conversation, couples' therapy might be in order.

 

[Seasoned]

It's cheating. This is in no way your fault so don't take on any blame. He needs to examine his behavior. It could be an addiction issue. In any case it's not something to minimize. Any suggestion that if you were different or behaved differently you could have prevented this is a perscription for co-dependency. No one can prevent anyone from any behavior unless they imprison them.

These are his issues that he needs to work on independently of you. In addition, if he's willing to change and you're willing to stay married professional marriage counseling is almost a must. Those sessions will be used to repair your relationship and set things in motion for the two of you to handle your relationship issues in the future as they come up.

The two of you haven't learned to communicate and that's a must if you both want a healthy relationship.

I have a 29 year relationship full of addiction, recovery and therapy from time to time. PM me anytime.

Good luck to you both.

 

[Rolyo85]

I believe you should examine yourself all the same. It usually takes to to have a relationship problem. That doesn't mean that it's somehow your fault, I'm just saying you should be aware if you had a role in his withdrawal into cyber-sex land.

 

[madeinjersey]

We had a very long conversation when I confronted him about what he was doing. He didn't try to hide it, and he didn't try to blame me. We've been having sexual problems for a long time. For over a year we've only had sex on a monthly (at most) basis, and for the past 6 months we hadn't had sex at all. I would try to initiate sex and he would be too tired, or not feel like it, and after months and months of being rejected I just stopped trying. He never tried. We didn't even have sex on our wedding annivesary. This behavior of his has been going on since November of last year.

I'm very open, and whenver I have a problem I come out with it. It's much more difficult for him to open up to me (or anyone else) and talk about how he feels. He's been better about it since all of this.

He agrees that what he did was wrong, and he knows I feel as though he cheated on me. He gets frustrated with me because there are times I'm still made at him for it and it's 3 weeks later now. After the new year we plan to attend couples therapy. I just don't trust him anymore.

I don't want to be one of those guys who has to moniter email and facebook and check his phone constantly. I don't want to feel like I'm a babysitter.

While I agree that when problems arise one person isn't at fault, however, people have to own their own individual behavior.

I just don't know how to not feel angry about it all.

 

[Seasoned]

It's normal to feel angry and hurt. There can be absolutely no way you could be the cause of this. He is responsible for his behavior. It seems like addiction to me. People with problems in relationships have a responsibility to resolve the issue with their partner before acting out outside of the relationship.

Now, he may also have resentments but that's not an excuse. Couple's therapy will hopefully see you through this.

Three weeks is nothing when it comes to hurt, anger and mistrust, especially if you don't know if he's stopped the behavior. You're correct with not wanting to babysit. That behavior would send you into codependency and lead to controlling, crazy behavior.

I hope the two of you can work through this.

 

[Rolyo85]

We had a very long conversation when I confronted him about what he was doing. He didn't try to hide it, and he didn't try to blame me. We've been having sexual problems for a long time. For over a year we've only had sex on a monthly (at most) basis, and for the past 6 months we hadn't had sex at all. I would try to initiate sex and he would be too tired, or not feel like it, and after months and months of being rejected I just stopped trying. He never tried. We didn't even have sex on our wedding annivesary. This behavior of his has been going on since November of last year.

I'm very open, and whenver I have a problem I come out with it. It's much more difficult for him to open up to me (or anyone else) and talk about how he feels. He's been better about it since all of this.

He agrees that what he did was wrong, and he knows I feel as though he cheated on me. He gets frustrated with me because there are times I'm still made at him for it and it's 3 weeks later now. After the new year we plan to attend couples therapy. I just don't trust him anymore.

I don't want to be one of those guys who has to moniter email and facebook and check his phone constantly. I don't want to feel like I'm a babysitter.

While I agree that when problems arise one person isn't at fault, however, people have to own their own individual behavior.

I just don't know how to not feel angry about it all.

When you describe it like that, it really does feel like his problem. I wouldn't call it addiction though, it seems more like psychological issues related to sex and/or dysfunctional sex drive. It could even be a purely physical cause. But either way, you seem to have a good course set. Keep us posted.

 

[Laufey]

There are no universal rules on what is cheating and what is not.

If it's something which makes you feel cheated and he hid it from you... well then I consider that cheating even if some other people might argue that they don't think so.

In my opinion emotional cheating is worse than just physical one.

Plus in this case it is kinda physical. Although he isn't touching the other person they are doing a sexual thing together and getting each other off.

He cheated on you and you should react accordingly.

 

[Kulindahr]

This may sound crazy, but....

figure out a way to have separate computers in separate rooms in the house, and link with him by webcam. Maybe it will break through whatever barrier he's up against.

 

[DmitriyEM]

I'm not sure if this qualifies as emotional cheating. He did engage in what I guess is something that you consider to be like sleeping with other people. However it's not as though he was dating other people which I think is a much difficult issue to overcome and could literally be the beginning of the end of your relationship. However I think that you need to communicate with him to understand what exactly is driving him away from you sexually.

 

[Steiner]

I would definitely see that as cheating, even if he hasn't physically been with someone else. It sounds like you're taking all the right steps to work things out though. Best of luck!

 

[Laufey]

I meant there are no universal rules of which acts are cheating and not.

People ask this question so often. "Is this cheating or not?". If you feel cheated then you shouldn't have to justify those feelings to anyone.

I'd say if it's something he wouldn't do in front of you and tries to keep a secret.. I would consider it cheating. Even if it's just talking with someone inappropriately.

 

[Rolyo85]

I wouldn't. I would consider it lying and hiding. If he's hiding big expenses from you for example, it's not cheating.

 

[Laufey]

I meant if he's lying and hiding something he does with another person and it's either romantic or sexual. Something he would never do in front of his lover because it's something they would not approve of.

 

[bankside]

Anything someone does in an honest attempt to turn you on gets a pass.

But he was not wanking with other guys in the hope that you might think it was hot. He didn't give a shit about how you would feel about it, and he kept it from you so he wouldn't have to deal with it or face reality.

His behaviour was thoughtlessly disloyal and hurtful, and if he is serious about being with you, he just wasted a whole lot of time that he could have invested in doing fun sexual things with you, expanding both your horizons, and bringing you closer together in ways that turn both of you on.

Other than the physical contact, this is just like any kind of cheating: disloyal and hurtful.

That's not the biggest problem though. The biggest problem is his response: There have been issues for a year. He's been pulling this shit behind your back for how many months? And now he just expects you to drop it because three weeks have passed?

Quick rule of thumb that he needs to learn if your relationship is going to have a future: if you fuck up and screw someone over, expect it to be on their minds for at least as long as you have been fucking someone over. Minimum. It takes at least as long to fix something as it does to fuck it up, often longer.

So if this goes back to a year ago when your sex life changed, he's stupid if he doesn't understand this is going to be on your mind for at least that long. If he feels persecuted by that reality, I suggest getting a lawyer for the divorce and telling him to fuck off sooner rather than later. If he realizes he needs to show some humility for at least the next year, then I think you have a chance together.