Is this going to work out?

[Maccabee]

I think I need your help (again). All this is pretty new for me, so I'm just very insecure.

I have a boyfriend for 1 month now. And the last two days he wasn't really responding to e-mails or text messages. This made me feel very uncomfortable. I really like him and I get frustrated easily when someone whom I like doesn't respond. I just got the feeling that he wasn't too interested in me anymore.

This morning I got hold of him on msn messenger and I decided just to ask if my doubts were right. He said that he had doubts whether the love he feels for me is love for a good friend or love as a lover. Then I said that I really like him and that I really appreciate it if he would give it a chance. He responded that he wasn't talking about breaking up.

But I really do not know what to think of this. Is this the beginning of the end? Or is this normal? I really hope that the feelings he has for me are feelings as a lover. Is there anything I can do to make that happen or should I let it rest?

I hope someone can give me some good advice on what to do, because I really don't want to loose him...

 

[pausanias_usa]

I've found that you can't push love.

Give him some space (and yourself, too) and don't try to force anything.
Trying too hard to engage another person works to drive them away.

 

[rareboy]

Well, the first problem that so many young guys seem to have these days is that they reduce a relationship to text messaging , placing far too much importance on the constant txt chatter or lack of it and far too little importance on the time spent together.

Everyone seems to think that a bf should be in constant contact 24/7/365.

Stop it. If you are not living together, each person is entitled to their own time to reflect and anticipate. A lot of times, I think that people just end up boring the shit out of one another by sharing all their feelings through sterile and juvenile txtspk lol.

Just leave him be. Tell him you'd like to spend time with him but that you don't expect him to be messaging you every whipstitch and you realize that some things are best discussed face to face or by phone so that at least you can hear one another's voice.

 

[Maccabee]

Thanks guys for the advice. I told him that I was glad for clearing things up and that I'd like to see him, but that he should tell me when.

I now realise that perhaps I was expecting too much too soon. I hope I already didn't ruin it, but that time will tell. It is my first relationship, and I really was long for one. And perhaps I shouldn't rush things. But on the other hand, he was the one to ask me to be his bf. So I thought everything was ok. Or am I just expecting too much of the whole relationship thing?

He told me that he felt really nice being with me, but perhaps too nice (in the sense that it is more friendship than a relationship). In my opinion lovers preferably should also be friends. Have the same interests etc. Am I wrong in this? Or how do you see this?

 

[pausanias_usa]

I'm friends with several of my ex's, but that friendship came later.

One of my best friends from high school / early college came out to me a long time later and wanted to have a relationship, but it felt like incest at that point! Now if he had initiated things during that earlier period. . . .

He's still a bit distant to me, unfortunately, because of my reticence, but that's better than taking a chance and becoming bitter ex's, right?

Read into that whatever helps in your situation.

 

[G-Lexington]

Tell him you understand - you do, don't you? And give him time to decide how he feels.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

Tell him you understand - you do, don't you? And give him time to decide how he feels.

And while you have the extra time on your hands, you need to decide if you're willing to "settle".

If you're fine with the companionship and friendship plus sex, then there's not an issue.

On the other hand, if you're wanting more than a casual relationship, then you'll have your answer about whether this is going to work out...

 

[Maccabee]

Ok, thanks. Yeah I do understand and actually all this made me feel better. Now I do know what to expect and I can't force things, so we will see how things develop.

For now, I'll just give him some space.

 

[Puzuzzu]

Ok, thanks. Yeah I do understand and actually all this made me feel better. Now I do know what to expect and I can't force things, so we will see how things develop.

For now, I'll just give him some space.

good luck sweetheart

 

[texan_slant]

HMMMM. You gotta let it be, and let it take its course without trying to make it something that it isn't. Let time tell - love is usually intuitive - something that shouldn't need to be questioned if both individuals feel it. Unfortunately, if he doesn't feel it, there's nothing you can do. In the meantime, try to relax and have fun and take it a day at a time.

 

[Maccabee]

Thanks guys. And Texan_slat, what you said about love is something that shouldn't be need to questioned... That is what I also thought. So that troubles me. On the other hand he said there was love, but that he didn't know what kind of love it is...

I'm relaxed now, since I know what to expect and what not.

 

[tallguy297]

Ok, thanks. Yeah I do understand and actually all this made me feel better. Now I do know what to expect and I can't force things, so we will see how things develop.

For now, I'll just give him some space.

Mate, your on the right track here for sure...

Its hard not to rush and push and over do when we first start out in a relationship... its human nature to a degree... but usually what happens is one tires of it quicker than the other and its becomes tiresome and annoying to them. Suddenly you find yourself wondering what the hell happened...

Maccabees, its a pretty common thing... try not to overthink it or spend too much time worrying... you cant change the way he feels. Just be the same honest considerate guy that your posts show you are, let him know that you understand a little better now and that you still want him in your life. You've discovered that we still need our own space to breathe in the nick of time I think and thats a credit to you... lots of us learn this lesson way too late...

And personally mate I think your sentiment about lovers being friends is one of the greatest truths there is... Its also why you should feel ok in the place you are at now... because you have grown so much in such a short time and its up to your bf to recognize that.

 

[Maccabee]

Thanks for all your advice... Small update now. I guess it is over now. I still do not understand why suddenly his crush on me was over... We didn't have a face-to-face conversation yet, but we leave a bit apart from each other. I think I have to close the book.
I know love cannot be forced, but I really do not understand why this can change within a week.

Oh, and I want to add something. Maybe you guys can comment on that too... Because I still haven't figured out yet whether I am straight, bi or gay. Somehow I just can't put my finger on it. But I did feel love for the guy and I felt really down when I realised it was over. But is it possible to experience feelings like that if I were 100% straight?

 

[Maccabee]

Yeah, I know I should not try to label myself. Although that is really difficult... The problem is I really do not mind what I am. I only want to know.

Emotionally, I don't really like girls. And the last time I was in love with a girl... Pfff that was in my early high school years I think. But then, on the other hand. When I started getting involved in boys I also noticed girls more often. And that is just so frustrating...