Is this guy f*cking with me?

[terps420]

I feel like my life is a never-ending comedy with all the confusing situations I somehow get myself into. This time I honestly feel like there could be something there though so I'm going to try to explain this without any embellishing 'cause the advice I've gotten from my (straight) friends in person is just making me more confused. It's probably gonna be lengthy but bare with me.

So there's this guy. Very "boyish", and by that I mean he's masculine but not manly. Him and I met at a party through my friends/roommates. I don't remember that night, fast forward to the next week, my female roommate who is going out with my best friend and the guy in question have become fast friends (texting, hanging out, etc.). She tells me she thought he was gay from the way he interacts with her but when he facebooked her she saw pictures of him dancing with a girl she presumed to be his ex girlfriend so she shrugged it off. I didn't really believe her because she's a very, very pretty girl and I find it incredibly hard to believe that a straight red blooded 21 year old American college guy would actively try to be platonic friends with her and not try getting in her pants (boyfriend or not).

We all start hanging out in group settings and my gaydar definitely is picking something up. Despite the fact that he lives in a house with four other guys, hes not close to any of them and his closest friends are two (also very pretty) girls. Time progresses and as I get to know him better personally, I start to develop feelings for him but was casually dating someone at the time and had no idea if I was right about him being into guys so I didn't think much more of it.

Around two months ago, him and I hung out by ourselves for the first time. I was a little tipsy and started flirting with him, which, to be completely honest, I felt he was oblivious to because he reacted to it as if it were nothing. At this point I tell our mutual friends that I'm into him and they remind me they think he's straight. THEN, low and behold, my female roommate tells me she goes on his facebook and sees for the very first time that "men and women" is whats listed under the "interested in" category so all my friends immediately switched into gay-matchmaker-mode and start scheming and shit. I know how juvenile that sounds but I must say I love my friends for trying.

So they set up little situations were things would start off with us in a group and end up with him and I alone. This happened like three different times throughout the last month, all instances where I continued to flirt with him but he actually started flirting back. I start picking up the pace and now we're not just saying sly things and holding each others gazes in person but flirting through texts and calling each other, the works. All this while he has never said anything to any of us about his dating life or sexual experiences.

About three days ago, he comes over and when he sees me, he says "hey cutie" right in front of my roommates. This obviously got me excited because despite our flirting, calling me that out-of-the-blue was the most forward he has been with me. So my best friend, him and I are just siting, talking and he brings up how "the girl he has been hooking up with has hpv". This comment threw us for a loop so my friend tells his girlfriend (my aforementioned sole female roommate) and the following day she decides to cut to the chase and texts the guy that I have a crush on him. He responds "that's cool, I would have a crush on me too if I weren't me". The night before last we're all getting drunk together and my best friend takes him to the side and point blank asks him if he's gay 'cause we've all been wondering, to which he informs him that he's not and he's been hooking up with one of the two close female friends I mentioned before (which I'm not sure if I believe because I've seen them together and their body language gives off a more brother-sister-vibe).

Last night however, he calls me twice to hang out to see what I'm doing, neither times I answered.

Is this guy fucking with me? Or is this just be one of those instances where I'm stupid/crazy and made it all up in my head? What straight guy would call the gay guy he knows has a crush on him twice the night after his friends told him he does while simultaneously being interrogated on his sexuality? Why would he respond so casually about it? If I were straight and I found out one of my gay friends liked me I would let it be clearly known that although flattered I am absolutely not interested. And why would he have "men and women" listed if they're not actually what he's interested in?

 

[Rand]

Testing the waters - not sure of himself with another guy. He might expect you to make the moves and take control? Next time it is just the two of you - ask if you might kiss him - or tell him you are going to unless he says not to.

If you two are going to have a relationship, you need to learn to talk to one another and not through others. It appears he has given signs but does not know the moves to make.

Celebrate your life,

Rand

 

[altlover85]

You have some awesome friends. I love how they set things up for you!

I would move on if I were you. It sounds like a lot of drama and energy you could be using on someone who was out and into you.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, has anyone come up with the terribly revolutionary step of cutting out the drama and asking him?

Yeah, I'd thank my friends then tell them to back the fuck off.

If I was him, I'd probably be annoyed at all the set up attempts and the fishing for information.

I don't know how old you are, but that kinda reads fairly - and I don't mean this in a derogatory way - immature. It's the kind of thing my friends were doing in high school.

If you think he likes you - ASK! If he runs away, you were never going to get anywhere anyway, if he says no, you know he's not interested, and if he says yes you can go knock boots - in any event, you have your answer and can exit the angst fest.

 

[swerve]

No -- he's not fucking with you...

He's probably not ENTIRELY sure of his OWN sexuality yet...

And CERTAINLY doesn't want your HOT girl friends to know that he's interested in you (just in CASE he MIGHT have a chance with them )...

Be a LITTLE more AGGRESSIVE...

And HAVE FUN!!!

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh and yeah. whenever you find yourself hyper-analyzing, and scrutinizing every word a guy says, plus every little action he takes - it's time to stop with the thinking and say something.

That would be you say something, not one of your friends no matter how well intentioned.

Frankly it just sends the wrong message if you try to work through an intermediary - and I don't know of anybody who would like it if their personal life - especially if he's confused, was subject to that much gossip and machination while the guy he might or might not like was unable to come to the point.

 

[RedHawkk]

Dude, I know exactly what you are talking about.

I'm Bi and I have this group or 4 friends. If they see me looking at a guy they will HOP into action and say something to him. I've gotten embarassed a lot of times, and other times... I'm glad I have friends like that. Ahaha

To your story, I have to say.. he might be the type looking for a close, unique friendship. Some guys like to be close to other guys to where they can act any way and talk about anything, or nothing.. but don't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings or having sex.

 

[terps420]

Well, has anyone come up with the terribly revolutionary step of cutting out the drama and asking him?

Yeah, I'd thank my friends then tell them to back the fuck off.

If I was him, I'd probably be annoyed at all the set up attempts and the fishing for information.

I don't know how old you are, but that kinda reads fairly - and I don't mean this in a derogatory way - immature. It's the kind of thing my friends were doing in high school.

If you think he likes you - ASK! If he runs away, you were never going to get anywhere anyway, if he says no, you know he's not interested, and if he says yes you can go knock boots - in any event, you have your answer and can exit the angst fest.

Yes I realize that the whole situation is immature. But we're all in our very early twenties and a lot of this is being fueled by alcohol and boredom.

The thing about asking him now is that it's been done, even if I personally ask him he knows my friends have already, so if his answer stays his answer, not only would I feel gnarly rejected by this really nice guy who might just be trying to make me feel not rejected, but I'd also feel like a total idiot 'cause asking now would be like returning to a week-old-dead-corpse just to poke it. It makes sense that despite having openly gay friends and living in a very liberal part of the country where he could have his marriage to a man be legally recognized even, we're really young and it's totally acceptable to not be comfortable with it at this age.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yes I realize that the whole situation is immature. But we're all in our very early twenties and a lot of this is being fueled by alcohol and boredom.

The thing about asking him now is that it's been done, even if I personally ask him he knows my friends have already, so if his answer stays his answer, not only would I feel gnarly rejected by this really nice guy who might just be trying to make me feel not rejected, but I'd also feel like a total idiot 'cause asking now would be like returning to a week-old-dead-corpse just to poke it. It makes sense that despite having openly gay friends and living in a very liberal part of the country where he could have his marriage to a man be legally recognized even, we're really young and it's totally acceptable to not be comfortable with it at this age.

None of you are 16, why are you playing sixteen year old games? You're all 21, which is young, but not that young. You're all treated like adults, you need to act like one.

Excuse me but these are excuses for why YOU don’t have to ask him out. Do you think a man is going to respect you if you have your friends play these games and never get up the courage to do your own asking? I'm as queer as a three dollar bill, but I would never accept a date by proxy. You want to go out with me, you ask, or you say yes when I ask.

Fine, if what you say is true, move on, nothing to see here. Why are you asking any of us about anything? You won’t ask him out, and your friends have ruined any chance you might have had. Case closed.

None of us know him, anything about him, your situation, or anything about anything, your friends have already done your dirty work for you and now all you have to do is regret their interference and walk away.

Sometimes you get rejected, fact of life. If you never act for fear of rejection, then you’ll be alone. Your choice. Your consequences.

Are you a man? Or are you a boy?

Or is it that you know he’s straight and this is all about wish fulfillment?

He’s either interested or he’s not, it doesn’t seem that you want to do anything that might lead to you getting a definitive no.

 

[saymyname]

As much as I identify with your situation, I agree with TX, even if I think he's being a little harsh. TX, when you ask a question like that - are you a man or a boy - well, to be honest... I'm still in college and sometimes I still feel more like a boy. This guys situation does sound slightly immature but to be fair to him, it also sounds like good fun and fooling around.

To the OP, as scandalous as your Queer as Folk episode sounds, it also sounds like the fun has run out and now you want real answers. The guy sounds very bi and very confused. I don't think he's fucking with you, I think he doesn't know what to do or how to react. Play it cool and keep the control. Not answering when he called you was a good idea. Next time you hang out with him, act calm and relaxed about it, like a blend of indifference but also honest interest. Just ASK him if he's into guys. If he says yes or doesn't say no, and there's no one around, propose making out. What's the worst that can happen?

 

[saymyname]

And on the real, what straight guy says "hey cutie" to a gay guy?

 

[terps420]

Excuse me but these are excuses for why YOU don’t have to ask him out. Do you think a man is going to respect you if you have your friends play these games and never get up the courage to do your own asking? I'm as queer as a three dollar bill, but I would never accept a date by proxy. You want to go out with me, you ask, or you say yes when I ask.

Sometimes you get rejected, fact of life. If you never act for fear of rejection, then you’ll be alone. Your choice. Your consequences.

Are you a man? Or are you a boy?

Or is it that you know he’s straight and this is all about wish fulfillment?

He’s either interested or he’s not, it doesn’t seem that you want to do anything that might lead to you getting a definitive no.

This was actually very insightful so first off I'd like to thank you, despite as harsh as it sounds.

You're right. I am afraid of the rejection. I really like him. It's not the usual kind of longing I have for guys. He's my friend, I thoroughly enjoy his company... I don't just want to jump his bones; I want to get to know him better, all of him. He's a dying breed, not like other guys at all. He's a gentleman.

To my defense, I did not tell my friends to ask any questions. I didn't ask them to do anything, but since last weekend I have asked them to do nothing else. I was really pissed at them when they told me and sort of still am. But you're right, I should be the one to ask him, which I was planning to do. But like I said, I really like him, so I was planning on taking it slow. Which explains why all I've been doing is casually flirting and not actually making physical moves on him this whole time. I wanted him to develop some feelings for me before I pushed the issue, I mean the first time the guy ever said anything sexual to any of us was months and months after I met him even though I've brought up sexual things several times. He's obviously not that sexually aggressive... and that just makes him more attractive in my eyes.

... as scandalous as your Queer as Folk episode sounds, it also sounds like the fun has run out and now you want real answers. The guy sounds very bi and very confused. I don't think he's fucking with you, I think he doesn't know what to do or how to react. Play it cool and keep the control. Not answering when he called you was a good idea. Next time you hang out with him, act calm and relaxed about it, like a blend of indifference but also honest interest. Just ASK him if he's into guys. If he says yes or doesn't say no, and there's no one around, propose making out. What's the worst that can happen?

Thanks for the input! The indifference/honest interest thing was my plan all along actually. I was going for "available but aloof". I think I'm just gonna muster some courage up and tell him to stop fucking with me. Besides including the fact that everything we say will be private and I absolutely will not tell my friends, should I go straight into it with the "into guys yes or no" or should I not even bring up the topic of orientation and go straight to the "I'm not sure if you've noticed but I sortof kindof might quite possibly really like you...a little"?

 

[saymyname]

Well first, I don't think you should tell him to quit fucking with you. Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know that he was messing with your head. I think you should just ask him straight up if he's into guys or girls or both. You could ask if he's ever done anything with a guy. If he says no, ask him if he'd like to try with you. I think it's important to bring up the question of orientation since you really don't know. Don't say the thing about really liking him, or even liking him at all, keep it cool remember?

I've made out with honest to god straight guys at gay clubs before and seriously, the less you feed their ego, the more intrigued by you they are. (At least that's how it was in my case). There was this guy there - a friend of a gay friend - who thought he was so hot. I told him he was "alright" and "nothing to write home about" - by the end of the night I was making out and grinding with him. Guys love a challenge. I know I do. So, really, just be straight up, you know, or you could be ballsy and just propose making out or fooling around, if you're into that.

 

[Seasoned]

How about telling him that you are available? Let him know you are comfortable with a call or text from him anytime. No matter what his oriention might be, you are interested and would be a le

 

[texan_slant]

This is the danger of set-ups, and relying on assumptions of what you and everyone else has seen, both in person, and on Facebook, without just point-blank asking.

Now that he knows you have a crush on him, don't play the drama game, and assume that everything is platonic unless he says he's interested.