Is this normal?

[what3p]

Ok some backround info on my and my life, 21 bi no one knows, only been with one guy who Iam currently in a relationship with. Weve known eachother for about 5 months and just 2 weeks ago made it offical between us. He is 22 bi and also not out. Last night he was talking about how once in awhile the whole girl or guy thing slips in his mind and how he has to try all options to see what makes him happiest. Followed by saying hes happy now very happy but it just slips in his mind once in awhile. Iam the same way but Iam able to ignore that thought because Iam with him and want to be with him. He knows there is 2 girls who constantly try to talk and get with me who i ignore because Iam with him and thats who I want. Yet he talks to one girl who he use to have a "thing" with and makes it obvious how he like flirts with her. I dont get it, I changed how I act and who I talk to just so he knows Iam only intrested in him yet he cant seem to do the same. The whole thing kinda bothered me since I dont wanna be in a relationship with someone who doesnt know what they want yet, I thought by 22 you would know. Am I just over reacting?

 

[TX-Beau]

22 is pretty young, most guys don't know anything much at 22. Even though you feel like you do.

OK first, if you're hiding, you relationship won't last. Sooner or later, the closet will eat you. Either because one of you gets paranoid - and the longer you're not dating women, the more likely that becomes - or because one of you will get tired of lying to everyone, and being someone's sordid little secret.

Second, I'm not really sure what it is that he's doing that's bothering you.

Is he telling you he doesn't know if he wants to be with you? Is he flirting with women? What explicitly is the problem?

Third, don't try to measure him by your standards. He's not you, he's not going to react like you, he's not going to have the same motivations as you.

If you don't like what he's doing (as in actual behavior, not motivations you ascribing to his behavior) then you discuss, no drama, no blame, no recrimination, and see what he's willing to give.

Otherwise, get out. You say you changed but he didn't, well, some advice for the young, you aren't going to be able to change him in any way. What you see is what you get, unless he decides that he wants to change.

All you can do is decide of you can live with it. Love is knowing someone's pros and their cons, and committing anyway, relationships are working to make that commitment a reality.

 

[KaraBulut]

... I dont wanna be in a relationship with someone who doesnt know what they want yet, I thought by 22 you would know. Am I just over reacting?

When you're young, you have a lot of assumptions. Like assuming that everyone your age is as mature as you. Or assuming that everyone wants the same things that you want from a relationship. Or assuming that you don't have to sit down and talk honestly about the basics of a relationship with someone.

And that's where you are- you're discovering that you're involved with someone who doesn't have the same set of values and same idea of what it means to be in relationship.

This is something that you have to work out with him. That doesn't mean arguing or accusing- it means listening to what he wants, want he's looking for and what he's willing to bring to the table in terms of committment. And then telling him what you want.

You may find that he just didn't know what you were expecting. It may be that he's not able or not ready to give you want.. or he may not be able to provide what you're looking for.

 

[rareboy]

so he's immature.

And not ready to settle with you.

Enjoy what you have while you have it and keep your options open since it seems he certainly is.

And if you want more and he doesn't, time to call it quits and stay good friends instead.

 

[Seasoned]

Let's make this about you and not him. There is really no such thing as normal when it comes to gay relationships. They've been with us since the beginning of time but it's only recently that they've been out of the closet and discussed.

It's up to you to be true to your values. Relationships are about compromise, but compromising values is not always smart. Giving in is not true compromise and can lead to resentment and co-dependency.

Realize that over time your values may change, but deal with today's reality.

Someone as old as I may write off your situation as something due to your age. I will not. You are on your own path and must deal with your own reality. No one knows your situation better than you.

Let me advise this about relationships. Discuss everything. Be assertive rather than passive/aggressive. Use I statements and discuss observable behavior rather than conjecture or fantasy. Avoid the words never and always in an argument.

If it is important to you that your bf not fantasize about women in front of you then tell him so. Relationships need ground rules. Have that discussion with him. Never allow a relationship to leave you sad, lonely or afraid more than you are the opposite, but do understand that a relationship will not prevent you from being sad, lonely or afraid at times.

Being closeted makes you insular and very dependent upon each other emotionally. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my children, my friends, my family and my in-laws besides my partner to talk with about all facets of my life.

As for being bi, it might be an idea to self evaluate where you see yourself on the sexual continuim. For example, I see myself as 5-10% straight and 90 to 95% gay and I identify as gay. Ask your bf where he might be on that scale. Just because you are both bi doesn't mean you see the world the same.

So, trust and respect your thoughts and feelings. Check them out when necessary. Don't let anyone use your age against you. You are a fully equipped adult. Be neither too rigid, nor a doormat.

I'm very excited for you and for what the future holds. Trust your instincts and when in doubt check them out like you did here. Best wishes and good luck.

 

[backpacker]

Great advice from all above.

He may be flirting with women as cover. Who would suspect he was with a dude when he's flirting with women? He may also have a hard time fully accepting being bi or gay. I don't think it means that he doesn't want to commit to you. As long as it's just flirting, I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but then again that's me. The best way to deal with the problem would be to come out of the closet. Then he would be able to tell this woman and any others that he's in a committed relationship.

 

[what3p]

Thanks everyone for the replys. I just dont like that I could also be firting with girls and all but I dont because I dont think its right to do when your in a relationship with someone. As far coming out of the closet, I think my friends may have a idea since he has kind of joined out group of friends and Iam with him alot on weekends. That being said Iam still just not ready to tell them, if they asked me I wouldnt deny it and I know they wouldnt care. The only people I dont want to find out right now is my family. It would also make it much easier to tell friends if I knew for a fact "he" was here to stay for awhile. He seems to have 2 sides to him, the first one being caring, nice, telling me how much i mean and all. and side 2 where he doesnt seem to wanna talk/text say much at all about anything. which also confuses me

 

[altlover85]

As far as coming out goes, thinking people have an idea is not the same as coming out, as you still have that weight on your shoulders. Maybe you could tell a trusted friend?

If you feel like he has two sides you need to talk to him about that. Follow the advice given above and go from there.