Is this pathetic of me?

[slickery]

Sorry if this is just another gay whinge.

So I went to visit an ex of mine in NZ for the past two weeks. He was the first person I truly loved and we were together for a good 2 years and we broke up because I moved overseas.

Before I went to visit we hadn't been on speaking terms for several months, so the trip was sort of an impulse decision. Well it turns out we had a wonderful time together, albeit boundaries were in place to keep things neutral. We got along better then we probably ever have in the past. We successfully pulled off the two weeks as just friends with no fooling around, which is great and what we both wanted.

Now I'm back home, and I have this terrible empty feeling inside. I grew really accustomed to having him (or someone) around all the time as I haven't really been serious with anyone else since him. Especially since we lived together for most of our relationship.

Now here is the real kicker, I've offered to buy him a plane ticket for his birthday/chrissie present over to Sydney where I am. I don't know what I am doing/thinking offering this to him, but he accepted and am now just waiting for him to pick out dates.

Is this crazy of me? I don't want an intimate relationship from him because we aren't in the same places as far as life goes and it wouldn't work out. But I want my best friend back! I do go out with friends, and I do meet other people, but then again I'm not looking for a replacement. Even if we are just friends, I don't know how I feel about being this attached to a friend.

 

[Horschallen]

Not crazy at all.

 

[lunarus]

You have history with him it is only natural to long for what was in the past.

Where and how this relationship ends up is entirely up to you. You yourself said you missed having someone else around. That feeling is only compounded by your past with him.

Are you somehow pathetic for offering a trip to him, no, in no way are you.

The best thing you can do to combat these feelings is to get out and meet new people and prospective mates in your new surroundings.

The old adage time heals wounds is true to a point. There will always be something that will remind you of your first love. It is how you deal with those feelings that is key. You can either brood over the past and what may have been or you can look back fondly on what you two had.

We all want someone special in our lives. You aren't alone.



Lunar

 

[manofsummer]

No it's not pathetic to offer someone a trip, be them your boyfriend or best friend. But I don't see why a relationship wouldn't work?
I mean Sydney is not far from NZ. Are there no budget airlines between Australia and NZ? I'd never give up on someone special because of the distance. You can always visit or relocate.

 

[1091MAC]

No, I don't think that is pathetic at all. I think your feelings are legitimate and natural.

 

[treanir]

I mean Sydney is not far from NZ. Are there no budget airlines between Australia and NZ? I'd never give up on someone special because of the distance. You can always visit.

Exactly. Sydney-NZ is not that expensive with your basic Virgin Blue/Jetstar/etc.

I'd say: give it a go. There's a reason you're this close: you like each other's company. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[slickery]

It's not really about the money spent as it is cheap to fly between if one is smart about it.

But I am also not keen on LDR's, no matter what the distance is, so that would never work for me. I was thinking of doing another trip for a weekend in another two weeks, but I also don't want any wrong impretions to be cast. Not to mention my friends are very against even socialising with an ex. I also know by talking to him that he has nil interest in dating me again, which is fine, but comes with the wrong impression.

There's also the factor of meeting other people as I wouldn't want someone I was seeing visiting an ex. Not to mention say I or he were to visit and one of us were seeing someone else it would just be awkward overall wouldn't it?

Then on the other hand we are never going to learn to be great friends over internet conversations and random expensive phone calls.

 

[backpacker]

As long as you can emotionally handle just being friends with him, they I say go for it. It does appear that you may have a few emotional issues to work through with regards to just being friends, but nothing that can't be resolved. Good luck!

 

[slickery]

Alright so admittedly I still harbour some feelings for him, what they are, I can't really determine because I'm choosing not to entertain them.

So is this something I tell him? He's always been a good listener and will always hear me out, but I feel he might have a sort of "god get over it already" attitude. As last time I told him how I truly felt, I told him it was too difficult to communicate with him and went about 4 months without talking to him. Yet when we were visiting he said he hated the fact that we weren't speaking.

Like I said, I don't want or expect anything from him, but I feel I should tell him how I have been feeling yet I don't want to dredge up the past as I want to move forward with him. I also understand that nothing I say or do is ever going to make him change his mind about me so it then makes me wonder what I am even doing associating with him.

 

[lunarus]

So you told him how you truly felt, what did he say in return? And also you cut him out of your life for 4 months and he hated that.

What is it that makes him so appealing to you? Write it down, you will not be able to move on if you obsess over him. IE no man will live up to his standards. Every man you meet will never measure up to him and that is unfair to the new guy and to yourself.

Now I am not chastising you over this. It happened to me and no matter what I did or said, he wasn't ready for a gay relationship. I was crushed but saw it for what it was and felt I deserved better in life...

And why would you want to cut a really good friend out of your life? Good friends are really hard to come by and GREAT friends are near impossible to attain.

Look at it this way would you rather have him in your life as a friend, someone who listens to you and is there for you. Or have him absent and try to replace his friendship somewhere down the line.


Lunar

 

[slickery]

Well when I told him how I felt before we stopped talking, he basically said that I needed to move on and stop thinking about the past. Fair enough, but as with the most recent visit it reminded me why I fell in love with him in the first place.

Reason being, not only do we get along like a house on fire, but I still found myself incredibly attracted to him. He is like my ideal type look wise, and ugh he just drives me wild when I am around him.

The sad thing is, I know perfectly well that what that it's not fair to myself or other people I might meet to hold these standards, but I just haven't met anyone new that makes me feel the same way. And one would think in the gayest city in the world it wouldn't be hard.

I do deserve better, I know I do, and I guess I am just waiting for it? I still want him as an active friend in my life, but I fear that if I tell him what I'm truly feeling that it will scare him away and put us back to where we were before the most recent visit.

 

[G-Lexington]

This guy fills a need in you - a need for companionship, someone to confide in, someone to be "just you" around. That's cool.

But he lives pretty far away. That's not so.

Sure, have fun with him. If he can come visit, enjoy your time together. But realize it's a stopgap measure. The empty feeling is going to return soon after he leaves. Best bet - work on filling it. And not with him, because there's only so much he can do from that far away, apparently. Get out there, and make some new friends.

Lex

 

[slickery]

So do I tell him how I eel and clear the air or do I keep it bottled up inside and work it out on my own?

A true friend should stick it out and work with you through stuff like this yeah? On the other hand I'd rather not sabatage myself with my emotions as I feel it's going to take a fair amount of time of in person visits before I can truely be with him and have no underlying desires.

But if I do tell him, I don't really imagine any good coming from it. And I would just come off as just another sad pathetic queer that can't get over him. Saying that because he told me how "pathetic" all the guys are in Auckland and how everyone he meets falls in love with him and don't leave him alone. Which sounds conceited, but I have witnessed first hand as when I was visiting every one of his friends I met were very petty towards me because I was apparently their "competition."

 

[lunarus]

Do you think it would help the current relationship you have with him now? IE will it be more damaging to said friendship or not?

Will it help you to tell him again? That I cannot answer for you. You could try to clear the air but will that help you in the long run?

How long has it been since you moved away?

My honest opinion and I do not want you to take this the wrong way...

You are pinning for this guy and it is hampering your efforts to move on. Of course with any type of relationship it takes time to move on and clear things out of your system. With that said are you ready to do what it takes to put this in the past and get out there and meet some new potential mates? Until you deal with this little road block you aren't.

How do you go about doing this? Well that is completely up to you. Tell him and you are worried about his reaction. Don't tell him and it will slowly eat you up. Cut off all communications with him and loose a really great friend.

Believe me once you meet another great guy that you fancy, you will fall in love again and he can be your focus. Until then file him in the friend category, someone you cherish for the time you two shared.


Lunar


PS can I ask how old you are?

 

[KaraBulut]

You are pinning for this guy and it is hampering your efforts to move on. Of course with any type of relationship it takes time to move on and clear things out of your system. With that said are you ready to do what it takes to put this in the past and get out there and meet some new potential mates? Until you deal with this little road block you aren't.

^^^QFT

You've idealized the relationship and you're comparing every future relationship to this ideal that you created.

There are no perfect guys. When these situations arise where a person holds on to old relationships, there are usually underlying reasons.

If this guy were perfect and your relationship were ideal, it wouldn't have ended.

It's fine that you like this guy. It's fine that you have some good memories of the past. It's fine that you continue to stay friends with him without bitterness.

But it's time you move on and start looking forward. And time that you realize that you've created an ideal that doesn't exist and until you let go of that, it will be unfair to everyone you date in the future.