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Is this sexual abuse?

M

Maynard

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I'm currently 29 years old and when I was young, my father used to feel my butt regularly when he had an opportunity. For example if I'm standing, he would come from behind and squeeze it but I would always move away quickly in a second or two so I don't know how long it would go on if I didn't. He made it look like a joke and smiled so I also used to smile as if I also thought it was a joke because I was embarrased to be serious about it. He also did some other things when I was lying in bed like lifting my shirt and kissing my belly, biting my ears etc but I've seen other people(especially females) do things like that to kids and I wasn't bothered by them much. Also he was doing them openly even when my mom was there. But the feeling of my butt being squeezed made me feel very bad and vulnerable. He also used to call me a certain word while touching my cheeks when I was young and when I grew up I learned that it's a word that's used for feminine gays. When I was at school, I always wore a long jacket to cover my butt because I felt like my butt was a sexual object that men wanted and I felt vulnerable when that part of my jeans/trousers isn't covered by a jacket/coat. By the way I didn't realize that I'm gay until I was 21 years old. I have depression and sometimes before going to sleep the past experiences like that come to my mind and I have trouble sleeping. Since I'm not able to think clearly, I'm wondering about other people's thoughts. Was it sexual abuse? Is it possible that he did it without any sexual feelings and intentions? Is it normal that I'm obsessing about this or am I just looking for a reason to be sad because of my depression? Thanks for the replies.
 
I'd say it sounds troubling, but it's not "abuse" as such, because he never really did anything blatantly sexual with you. However, it really doesn't sound completely innocent either. I think you need to see a professional about it (which I hope you're already doing if you have depression).

There is nothing wrong with your ass being perceived as a sexual object. I mean, technically it is, and that's great lol. But what you're feeling is insecure about your physical safety, and that needs to be addressed by a professional.

All I can say is, your father never really molested you, even if he might have wanted it (I am NOT saying he did, as I didn't really get an impression as to how old you were when those things were going on), so you should not feel abused. He was just being kinda inappropriate.
 
what you describe sounds indeed inappropriate.
but 'abuse' is a very strong word...

sexual experiences cannot be easily put into well-defined boxes, and unfortunately, this also counts for negative experiences. there are a lot of gray areas between "completely innocent" and "abuse! molestation! rape!".

what you know for sure is that those experiences were not ok for you, no matter what your dads intentions were, and those feelings are valid and important, even if you cant put an easy, well-defined label on those experiences.

(i have also had sexual experiences that im not entirely sure how ok they were, and whether or not they would count as 'abuse'. legally, they would; but i also wanted it at the time; but in retrospective, i dont feel so good about it anymore. i have made peace with those experiences by accepting all the feelings i have about them, no matter whether they are justified, embarassing, "appropriate", or whatever.)

if you are already getting professional help for your depression, then i would bring this up.

good luck, and welcome to jub!
 
sounds like pretty normal father/son interactions especially for a younger child (prepubescent). I wouldn't worry about it at all it sounds like your making things up in your head.

I feel the two matters (your insecurities and childhood experiences) are entirely separate but you are trying to correlate them.

but what do i know, i wasnt there
 
Greenherbz said:
sounds like pretty normal father/son interactions especially for a younger child (prepubescent). I wouldn't worry about it at all it sounds like your making things up in your head.

I feel the two matters (your insecurities and childhood experiences) are entirely separate but you are trying to correlate them.

but what do i know, i wasnt there
Click to expand...

I agree. Doesn't sound like sexual abuse to me.
 
Maybe not sexual abuse, but the fact that it bugs you to this day (and legitimately - if I was in your shoes i'd feel the same way) means he crossed an inappropriate line.
 
He behaved inappropriately if it made you uncomfortable and it's been a lingering issue in your life. It's time for a therapist to help sort out your feelings. My guess is that you were confused subconsciously. Your depression can be a whole separate condition and issue.
 
How old were you when this happened? When I was younger my siblings, brothers and sisters who are older than me, often used to feel up my butt and say it was big and soft lol. It made me feel insecure when they did it but I never took it too seriously and they stopped when I became a teenager. I think it is unacceptable for a father to be nibbling on his teenager's ear and kissing his belly but I think this is normal for parents to be doing something like that with younger kids.
 
I don't know when it started because I can't remember but I think he stopped doing it when I was around 14 years old. I forgot to write that he also used to beat me regularly and that's why I didn't think what he did was because of normal father-son love. Thanks very much for the replies.
 
The fact that it bothers you and that you alter your behavior to this day suggests to me that it is definitely a form of sexual abuse. You have described major signs of what defines the abuse and it's consequences it keeps causing you.

Sexual abuse does not always have to be extreme. Subtle inappropriate touches and behaviors that cause sexual discomfort are forms of sexual abuse. Even if they are pleasurable at the time.

I would most likely suggest counseling with a therapist who is qualified to council sexual abuse victims, as this is bothering you to this day. You need to come to terms with it and get the tools and knowledge on how to deal with it properly.
 
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