Is this unusual?

[secondmonkey]

As with many of you, I love my best friend and I'm having some trouble dealing with it. I'm 20, and very closeted...which means I've never had a boyfriend, or girlfriend. As such, I never bring up the subject of sex, or girls around my friend.

The part I find interesting, is that he doesn't either. As far as I know he's straight, but I've never heard about or seen any kind of girlfriend, or even a stare at a pretty girl that walks by. His two older brothers have had lots of girlfriends that I know about. It's not that he's unattractive or shy, he's the kind of person that could have several girls if he wanted. He's pretty busy with college and work, but it seems like most guys have had at least 1 girlfriend by age 20, haven't they?

I'm just curious how common this might be, for a "straight" guy to not have a girlfriend, ever? Can anybody think of a good reason for that other than being gay? Of course that's my hope...though I think it's pretty far fetched. Does anybody else have friends that act completely asexual?

 

[RicanDAB]

The only straight guys I know that would not ever have had girlfriends are priests. And I am sure you know they are a small minority! As far as guys go, most have had girlfriends by the time they are 25 - I mean with hormones raging they are sexually active at some point before 25 or so. In my experience, guys who show little or no interest in females at that age are not straight.

I knew a girl in college who I swore was lesbian, and turns out she married and has 2 children and is the greatest mom. I think I may have made the assumption based on her short hair and lack of socializing on her part. So, I was mistaken there.

The only way you'll resolve this is by asking ... you really don't want to endure the run-around feelings of "is he or isn't he" for very long!!

 

[Muscles4daze]

This guy at my job is the same way. I never hear him speak of a girlfriend or even, say a girl is hott, or even stare for that matter. One day a co-worker of mine told him this hot girl in another department is in to him and he changed the subject quickly. This guy is hott a fuck too! You should be actually asking two questions is he gay and number two is he in to you, because you don't want to get your feelings hurt. Just give it time and keep observing him like you are now.

 

[secondmonkey]

... you really don't want to endure the run-around feelings of "is he or isn't he" for very long!!

Yeah...I've been putting up with this for about 6 years. I've been looking for an opportunity to jokingly ask, but haven't found one yet. I know he always lists "straight" in online profiles like myspace, but so do I. He is a christian, and I think probably against premarital sex, but that doesn't exclude having a GF. I'm not totally sure if he really has had a GF or not, never asked, but it is weird that it never comes up. Not once in the 15 years I've known him. He did go to a different high school and now college than me, so I'm not exactly watching very closely.

I think I'll probably come out to him sometime soon, so I guess I'll find out then. Part of the reason I never ask is because I'm afraid to know for sure he's straight and kill all hope of a further relationship...

Wouldn't it be funny if he was asking this same question about me on another forum?

 

[trawler69]

I think you have it right when you say you will come out to him. If you were to have just asked him he could well have said he was straight even if he wasn't because he may doubt your motives in asking the question.

To make it easier on you you could phrase it as a question "Would you be surprised if you found out I was Gay" or somesuch question.

Well good luck to you, and it does sound as if he may well be Gay.

 

[Lucas07]

Wow... Our situations are very much alike...
I also have this friend that I have never ever had a talk about girls (sexually) like being attracted to them and that girl is hot and the like..
I'm closeted and I don't know his preference... Hoping he feels the same way.

Our friends tell me that when it comes to the talk of love and girls he always just shrugs it off.. He's really good looking.. I mean really. A lot of girls like him. But he's never courted anyone of them, nor do I have any knowledge of him having a girlfriend. According to our friends, he actually avoids talking about these things.

He does have a lot of female friends.. and he's pretty close to some of them.

Well we're both young (18) and frankly, we / he could get any girl he wants. I mean he's that good looking. But then again, why hasn't he had any interest in girls? It just keeps me thinking. And once I brought up the subject about love and love life and he just goes... "nah! we don't need that!"

I mean. Are you crazy? All the other straight guys I know @ 18 are like rooting for a girlfriend well except for the weird nerdy momma's boy acting ones. Well like me, I'm closeted but I'm rooting for a relationship. If I were more interested in girls than in boys then I'd fuckin get myself one. But I guess I'm interested in guys more.

he just confuses the hell out of me. Since he's reacting / acting the same way I'd react to girls. Maybe he's totally closeted too or is he just sporting his inner celibate priest. Coz I don't have any other reasons.. School or work can't be that commanding to get you to totally prioritizing. You get what I mean.

I know It's frustrating. I feel for you.
I'm wimping out and if he feels the same, I guess he's wimping out too.
So it all boils down to you... and me... to tell him or something.

Update us! I want to hear developments. good luck man

 

[secondmonkey]

If you were to have just asked him he could well have said he was straight even if he wasn't because he may doubt your motives in asking the question.

Yeah, even if he was gay I don't think he would tell me if I just randomly asked. If he is hiding something, he's been hiding it for a LONG time. (as have I)

If I were more interested in girls than in boys then I'd fuckin get myself one. But I guess I'm interested in guys more.

Exactly. If I were interested in girls I would have had one years ago. They try and flirt with me all the time, and he's better looking than I am. He's your average drunken frat boy, so I know there's plenty of drunken girls wondering around his house.

I guess what it really comes down to for me is, HAS he had a GF and I'm just clueless? Maybe I'll just try and ask if he's a virgin and leave out sexuality. He did say something about friendships changing as we get older recently...hmmmm.............

 

[Lucas07]

Just remember.. I've learned it here in JUB...
Don't over analyze Just play it one step at a time..
I dunno but sometimes I could overanalyze stuff and in the end I was just torturing myself...

But I think.. Even though if he's had a GF that would prove him to be straight. I mean cmon. A gay guy could get a gf. I even know some people who are terribly closeted that have GFs just to cover themselves up! Really. I mean, I'm really closeted (my gay side) but to hide it I mean I could go get a girlfriend to build a wall of protection. No problem. So I think it's really a different thing asking and knowing for a fact that he's also interested in guys (gay or bi) than just him having a girlfriend before.

Well, about the friendship comment.. I dunno but it's pretty vague.. I wouldn't give meaning to that just yet, but If I were in your position, initially I'd think the same thing. Because I say the same thing (being closeted and straight acting) to my friends. To Matt (the friend I like) It has meaning of a different sense.. But I also say that to my other good friends but truly the meaning stays true to the nature of "friendship'. Hahaha. This is all too confusing.

We are confusing my friend. This whole situation of ours is really drilling our skulls. It's hard being terrified in hiding.

And welcome to JUB! I'm also new here and it's been great. I'm glad you have also discovered this awesome community!

Well, update us developments!

 

[wentworth]

As with many of you, I love my best friend and I'm having some trouble dealing with it. I'm 20, and very closeted...which means I've never had a boyfriend, or girlfriend. As such, I never bring up the subject of sex, or girls around my friend.

The part I find interesting, is that he doesn't either. As far as I know he's straight, but I've never heard about or seen any kind of girlfriend, or even a stare at a pretty girl that walks by. His two older brothers have had lots of girlfriends that I know about. It's not that he's unattractive or shy, he's the kind of person that could have several girls if he wanted. He's pretty busy with college and work, but it seems like most guys have had at least 1 girlfriend by age 20, haven't they?

I'm just curious how common this might be, for a "straight" guy to not have a girlfriend, ever? Can anybody think of a good reason for that other than being gay? Of course that's my hope...though I think it's pretty far fetched. Does anybody else have friends that act completely asexual?

Shyness.
I know many straight guys who have never had girlfriends.

 

[secondmonkey]

Just remember.. I've learned it here in JUB...
Don't over analyze Just play it one step at a time..
I dunno but sometimes I could overanalyze stuff and in the end I was just torturing myself...

Yeah, I have an anxiety problem so I'm like this about everything, from "is he gay" to "what should I have for lunch". Over analyzing is my hobby.

I know he never had a GF just for show...if he did he would have showed me. Or at least I would have heard about it from his brothers. Plus his mom always had pictures of his brothers GFs around the house, none for my friend though.

He's definately not shy either. He's an actor, and is more calm on stage in front of thousands than I am at the grocery store. And even shy guys at least talk about girls with their freinds, don't they?

It probably seems so obvious to you guys, but I still think it's nearly impossible that he's gay. I don't know why though. Since we met before we even knew the word sex, it seems odd that we'd both turn out gay. What are the odds of that? Having you guys agree that he sounds gay really makes me happy though. I had some really dirty dreams last night.

Now that I've written all this I'm realizing that everyone I know probably thinks I'm gay too. Has anybody heard about the theory that the more older brothers you have, the more likely you are to be gay? Is there any truth to that?

 

[Roland00]

At 20, he could be straight he could be gay. You can't really tell. Now the chances of him being gay if the same thing fact never a boyfriend or girlfriend at 24 or 28

At 20 it could be alot of things.

Good Luck Does he know about you?

Now that I've written all this I'm realizing that everyone I know probably thinks I'm gay too. Has anybody heard about the theory that the more older brothers you have, the more likely you are to be gay? Is there any truth to that?

Due to biological factors (hormonal) in the mother most likely yes.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/mai.../ugay.xml&sSheet=/news/2006/06/26/ixnews.html

Thus there is slightly large chance for a boy the more older brothers he has, but its still a low chance. Lets just say there is a 2% you are gay in the general population, one older brother increases your chances to 2.66%, 2 older brothers increase the chances to 3.56, 3 older brothers 4.74, 4 older brothers 6.32%, etc. Note this is only for the "younger brothers" the oldest still only has 2% chance no matter how many younger male siblings he has.

In other word a very slight chance, but with alot of people it is noticable with statistics.

 

[secondmonkey]

At 20 it could be alot of things.

Good Luck Does he know about you?

Such as? I really am curious about this. The ONLY reason I'm this way is because I'm gay. Aside from that, shyness, and extreme religion, is there anything else?

No, he doesn't know about me, though I'm sure he's just as suspicious as I am. I've kinda been hoping he would come out, so I could just say "yeah, me too". But of course that would be too easy. I think I'm going to send him that brother article and see what he thinks...he's the youngest of three brothers and no sisters.

 

[Jeimuzu]

Well, it's possible. He could be gay, bi, or straight. As much of a lie as this is, you've got a 2/3 chance! Go for it, ask.

My best mate is completely asexual. He just acts like it's nothing, really. Like it doesn't really exist... or more, that it does exist but that he's a whole different person who it doesn't pertain to. Every now and again I wonder whether he'll ever bother. He does have one girl who's pretty much head over heels for him, and he knows it, but he's eighteen, while she's fourteen. He just treats her like a really good friend... but maybe in a couple of years, they'll get together. I can't imagine him with a GF, though. Can't imagine him with anyone, but hey.

 

[secondmonkey]

Go for it, ask.

I wish it was that easy.

 

[Roland00]

I wish it was that easy.

Why not? Is it due to the fact that you are closeted and nervous in general? Is it due to the fact you are afraid of losing your friendship? Or is it the fact you like him?

Not trying to push you, just trying to understand

 

[secondmonkey]

Why not? Is it due to the fact that you are closeted and nervous in general? Is it due to the fact you are afraid of losing your friendship? Or is it the fact you like him?

Not trying to push you, just trying to understand

Many reasons. I have a lot of issues in my life right now...I just don't think it would be a good idea to bring up this too. I would like to come out to him, and him alone, sometime soon, but I don't think that will be until this summer. Maybe sooner...we'll see how things go. I don't think he will have any problem with me being gay, but I am worried about facing the inevitable that he probably isn't. I really, really love him, and at least for now I can dream that he's gay too and someday we can live happily ever after. Unfortunately I've learned that life doesn't usually work like that. At least mine doesn't.

 

[Roland00]

It may not turn out to be ever after, but it does often turn out happily with enough time, patience, and learning

 

[secondmonkey]

The problem is I ran out of patience about three years ago. Lately things just keep getting worse and worse and worse for me...and then worse again. I know he'll always support me no matter what, but if I lose the little bit of hope I have now I'll have nothing left. I know I'll find somebody, someday, but that day is never today.

 

[Roland00]

Wait are your problems with you are lonely and want somebody? Or everything non sexual/romantically related going wrong?

 

[secondmonkey]

All of the above. Being lonely just makes it that much worse. If it can go wrong, it has. And it will again tomarrow.