Isolated guy, introverted, no friends, and his path to coming out

[ChickenGuy]

Thanks for enquiring about me JoeyLj and missbigpretty

Nothing much has happened, and that's been pretty much my fault - I've not been actively pushing this issue at all, and since neither of my aunties have gotten back to me, things have been, for all intents and purposes, 'in limbo'.

I'm actually quite annoyed with myself for being so non-confrontational. I have an image in my mind of what I would like to say and do, but my behaviour never matches my thoughts. I've been gutless and spineless these last two weeks. I'm not proud of wilfully putting everything on the back-burner, and purposefully forgetting about it.

The timing of all this has now coincided with Christmas and New Year, and this isn't the time of year that I wanted to make such a big announcement. This may now lapse into January without much more being done.

Please don't get me wrong - I'm not rowing back on anything I've said or done, and I still have every intention of seeing this process through. It will just not be as quick as I had originally envisaged. I'm frustrated that I don't have the self-confidence and self-esteem to stand up and be heard. Unfortunately, this has always been my personality. I'm very tired of my submissive attitudes. I really wish I was more forthright.

Interestingly, one of my aunties has invited us for Christmas Dinner. So I'll be spending Christmas with my auntie and cousin, perhaps not knowing whether my other auntie has tipped her off or not. My clueless dad will also be in attendance.

I will try and muster up some residue of self-respect and ask one of my aunties, before Christmas, about whether it has been mentioned.

Anyway, I'll be away from the house for the next few days. I'm off to the big city for a spot of Christmas shopping (it's useless trying to shop where I live) so I won't likely be posting much in the way of developments for a while.

I apologise for my blatant avoiding of one of the most important issues of my life.

It gives me no pleasure to have to post this.

 

[Lube]

Just promise yourself you won't dither after the holidays. And promise you'll come back and report.

 

[crowboy]

We are all wishing the best for you.

You need to do what you think is best, when you think the time is right and when you are ready and confident to do it. If it waits, well it waits. Don't beat yourself up over it. So it hasn't happened yet, well you either do it now (you have reasons for not doing it yet) or you wait. So wait. It's OK.

We'll be here if you need a bit of support to wish you well and give you a bit of confidence. If you are going to wait don't think about what you haven't done, think about what you have done. You have taken some major steps to change and improve your life. That is something you should be most proud of. I'm proud of you. I know how much it takes to do what you have done. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.

This issue is most important to you, but I hope you are still able to enjoy your christmas and new years and have a good time with family/friends.

Take care and best of luck for the future.

 

[cosmicblue]

Just read all your post, how did I miss this when you first posted, it seems you have come along way and of that you should be proud, I can imagine what its like for you, considering where you live, small island population and so on (assuming it is one of the islands). I know how you must have felt about telling your dad I was the same, and it didnt work out for me with him. it wasn't as bad as lived at that time in Kilmarnock(Ayrshire) and had a good few friends for support. But anyways you keep on with your journey, and keep us all updated I wish you well. Davie
All the Best for the festive seasona nd make 2010 your own. If you wanna chat get in touch although I no longer live in Bonnie Eccose I do come home regularly.. Dx

 

[ChickenGuy]

I HAVE COME OUT TO MY DAD!

It took a lot longer than I'd originally thought, but it's done now. After this, everyone else I want to tell will be easy. Here's what happened last night.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Did I just do that? I think I'm in shock right now, because everything seems normal and routine. I'd wanted to tell him, but I was beginning to think I'd never get round to it.

OK........

So there was a power cut up here, just a few hours ago. I know it sounds like a contrived plot device, but seriously, there was a power cut. I mean, I really didn't plan this. But we ended up in the same dark room, no computer for me, no television for him, and there was just us alone in a silent room, and he was making small talk and there was a lot of silence. I just felt the urge to bring this up somehow with him, and I first talked about my travel plans and me wanting to find friends and get my independence, go to new places, maybe get the courage to leave home someday.

And I said there were things that I found it difficult to talk to him about, more difficult than anyone else, and how I didn't want to upset him or anything, but that I wanted to be more open and have a different sort of life, and that meant being true to people about who I was, and I also told him about the time last October I was in tears at 1am in the morning trying to phone a helpline, and that I knew what it was about, and that I'd known all of my life what I was.

And at some point, I started sobbing heavily, just briefly, and he said to just let it out, and not to worry. And I said that I had to tell him something, I had to say it to him. And I told him that I was gay.

In fact, it was all a bit anti-climatic to be honest, considering that was the first time I said those words. He just took it in his stride and said something like "Well, OK, fine, that's fine" (he was just normal about it, actually) and I said I didn't want to disappoint him or upset him, and didn't want all this to change his attitude toward me.

And he said something like "Of course it's not going to change anything! You're my son. Why would my feelings for you change in any way?" So after all my worrying about how he'd react, he was completely fine with it. At one point, he said that he loved me.

And I sort of breathily said about always being like that, and that it was just the way things were since I was a child, in school, all my life.

LOL - and then he said "You look like you could do with a cup of tea."

At that moment, I felt a real surge of affection for him, and everything he's done for me in my life. I should have expressed that to him better, but I just said "I'm very grateful to you."

And then he was back to talking about other things, in the kitchen, and I was sort of in shock, pacing around the house in darkened rooms with only the firelight and candles. A bit wierd.

And he chirpily says, You'll feel better now you've got that out!" And because I had said everything I wanted to say, I was just a bit lost for words.

Oh, and then, about 15 minutes after it all was over, the power came back on.

And now he's gone to bed. Things seem back to normal already. Considering his reaction, I feel I was a bit panicky and melodramatic, to be honest.

Bloody hell. What an evening.

 

[rareboy]

Congratulations.

Now it is time to get out there and develop mature relationships and friendships with other guys.

 

[breathe]

ChickenGuy-- you should be VERY proud of yourself. I'm so glad to hear it went well and that your dad was so great about it. Kudos to him as well.

Have you considered finding a counsellor (not a friend or family member) who you can regularly use as a sounding board in addition to JUB? It might be a great support, a "safety net" as you begin your new life.

All the best to you-- keep up the good work. Just make sure in the meantime to get outside each day and exercise a bit every other day-- go for a walk, a swim, lift some weights. You'll feel great for doing it.

 

[BiMike]

Re: Isolated virgin in his 30s, stay-at-home, no friends - coming out!?!?

Well, the first small step has been taken. I went to the sports centre for a swim!


TODAY THE SWIMMING POOL, TOMORROW THE WORLD!!!!

(hmmm, this is going to be a long, long journey......)

JUB meeting next! Long, long journey? Well done you are doing great!

 

[unloadonme]

I saw your thread this morning in HT and it brought a tear to my eye. Well done my Scottish friend.

Now you can go off to the US Mid-West meet and really let your hair down.

 

[cornholio]

I have subscribed to this thread hoping that some day I'd read a post similar to the one you just posted. Sure, it took you some time, but what matters is the present and the future, so I hope you feel better now. I'm pretty sure you do!
Congratulations! well done! and what a great dad you have, as someone said, kudos to him aswell! I like that he encouraged you to let it out and not to worry.

Good luck with your journey ahead!

 

[hijodelaestrella]

And I have a desperate yearning to come out/QUOTE]
I know exactly how you feel. Joining JUB is a step in my process.

 

[Deandbn]

Well done Chickenguy. I am also proud of you. I am sure that now, after the fact, you realise that you should have told him years and years ago. Anyway this is all in the past now so go out and have the best fun you've ever had in your life.

 

[hijodelaestrella]

CONGRATS! Now, if only I could grow a pair and come out!

 

[Lube]

Congrats, ChickenGuy!! Doesn't it feel Great?! A giant weight lifted off your shoulders?

 

[chlomicron1]

I've just read through this whole thread. Was great to follow your progress chickenguy. I'm glad things are working out for you.

 

[slnattak]

I don't think you are as unhappy as you think. I don't even think you have as low self-esteem as you think you do. I just think like most people you were trained to look at the bad in life instead of the good- so your life sucks because you are focusing improperly.

I'm isolated and introverted and I have no friends too. But I never much *needed* them anyway. I don't really like other people. I'm not a people person. I like a very few special people at a time. If you're more like that, maybe we can become friends.

The truth is it's not that hard to go out and hang with people, you just are thinking too much of it and you don't really want to, you like to figure things out yourself and have more ideal and romantic connections with people. I'm the same way.

There's nothing wrong with you. You just are focusing too much on what is going wrong in your life instead of what's going right. I wish you the best.