Issues, or perhaps just an insomnia rant

[DarthWufei]

Hey guys, it's well after 3AM here in Arizona and I can't sleep for jack. However I've been doing a lot of thinking here, lying in bed.

Basically, if any of you remember my other posts I've been on a trip of hopefully a physical transformation. I've been obese all my life, topping just under 270 at my worst, and well now I can proudly say I'm at 211 and still dropping steadily. Well, the changes I've noticed in my appearance are great, I'm starting to even find myself a tad attractive and whatnot at times. However I know I've still got confidence issues. I'm generally shy and reserved and always overly concerned with how other people may be perceiving me, even complete strangers. Kinda like all eyes are on me kind of thing.

Frankly things have gotten better. I talk to people more, I don't fluster over conversation starters and missed opportunities like I used to. However I just don't feel like it's enough, sure I know baby steps might be best, but frankly I'm tired of being in my shell so much. With school out for the summer, and being in Arizona, where I have no friends. I'm pretty much in the house all day aside from when I head out to the gym or run errands. I've met some people, mostly at the gym. I have no qualms with approaching attractive guys when it's entirely just a general thing. But other than that, it's been a pretty lonely experience out here.

I dunno, I guess it just comes in waves. Some days I feel completely ready to tackle anything. Hell I see a cute guy, I make eye contact, smile or nod. If they say hey I might even get a conversation going. Other days it's the total opposite, they look at me I turn away. I start over thinking little things and get tied up on pointless thoughts.

It's just kinda of frustrating. Just the other day, I walked into the lockerroom at the gym and there's a guy in there changing clothes without his shirt on. Well generally I don't get so caught up on physical attractive to the point where I just kinda stop in my tracks, but christ he was next to perfect. He says me come in and I've seen him and says hi and asks me how's it going. (He works at the gym and sees me around since I'm there somewhat often). So what do I do? I respond and keep the conversation flowing, pretty soon I know his name and shit goes well. Totally a friendly conversation, wasn't trying to pursue anything other than to make a friend.

Sorry for the long and pointless rant, but it just irks me how I can be so up and down. I realize it's just going to take some getting used to. I'm still not fully comfortable with myself and situations, but it'll come in time. Can't say it's not frustrating as all hell though. I also realize I answered my own questions half the time, so I hope I didn't waste anyone's time with this. I just kinda need to vent, Anything better than me crying over being lonely again.

 

[EvilForce]

Jesus dude! Stop beating yourself up. You've just lost 60 lbs! Do you have any idea how hard, and how rare that is for anyone, without undergoing surgery?

You're not going to go from your old self to the new Rico Suave in 1 week. Everyday, just push yourself a little bit beyond your comfort zone. If you've never approached someone to ask them out on a date, do it in baby steps. Force yourself, to at least approach someone and start a conversation. Then after a few times of approaching others to start conversations, maybe you can ask for a phone number.

Also, by taking baby steps, or 1/2 steps you consistently reward your ego. You feel like you accomplished something. Which builds your confidence even more.

 

[alley]

Hey--I am from Tulsa

I have been working the same kind of transformation---I was 250 and now hanging around the 180's---still losing size just not too much weight---self esteem is going up and I flirt rather often---just have to get over that next step of following through--

 

[DarthWufei]

Hey--I am from Tulsa

I have been working the same kind of transformation---I was 250 and now hanging around the 180's---still losing size just not too much weight---self esteem is going up and I flirt rather often---just have to get over that next step of following through--

Props to you man! Quite a feat, definitely can't wait till I'm in your shoes with my weight loss. Also, I've spent nearly all my life in Tulsa and haven't met a single gay guy, not that I tried or anything, lol. Perhaps you can show me how it works up there.

Anyway, I really appreciate the responses. I know I'm hard on myself that's for sure. I just have a crappy mentality sometimes, where I don't applaud myself for the progress I've made, but instead worry about the stuff left to b done. It's a nasty habit that I need to work on.

 

[DarthWufei]

So tell me it just takes practice to start realizing when you're being hit on. I got hit on at the gym, and I blew the guy off cause I was a little focused on my workout. I realized what had happened after he had left and kicked myself for it, but the next time i saw him and double checked that he was actually interested and me, and sure enough he kept and held a lot of eye contact with me. So I gave him a nod.

I didn't speak with him though, as it didn't really occur to me at the time to do that. (I know not smart, XD). But I've been set on trying to start a conversation with him next time I see him, sadly it's been over a week with no sight. I'm not sure if it's cause I come in on different days now or what who knows. Ah well, not bummed about it or anything, just amused.

I know they'll be a lot more opportunities, I just hope I can realize when they hit next time.

 

[alley]

Props to you man! Quite a feat, definitely can't wait till I'm in your shoes with my weight loss. Also, I've spent nearly all my life in Tulsa and haven't met a single gay guy, not that I tried or anything, lol. Perhaps you can show me how it works up there.

Anyway, I really appreciate the responses. I know I'm hard on myself that's for sure. I just have a crappy mentality sometimes, where I don't applaud myself for the progress I've made, but instead worry about the stuff left to b done. It's a nasty habit that I need to work on.

Sorry--I did not see your response---Well---since I am just coming out, my showing you about would not work since---I know absolutely no gay guys in the area---But you live in the OKC area---there are a number of Jubbers who live up there and with the colleges in the area I would imagin there are some active gay organizations---if you get to Tulsa or if I go up to OkC would love to a have a coffee or a drink.

Losing weight takes time and I hit a lot of places on the scale and just hung out at that weight for a time--- til I could just throw myself harder into the process---My downfall is bread---I love it.

 

[DarthWufei]

Thanks for replying guys, Volcom, you're exactly right. I've made great strides, and plan to keep making them. My confidence has definitely grown that's for sure. Though I still give myself a hard time like you said, which I gotta get over.

Awesome, alley! Yeah I have issues with bread too, today was really my first week where my diet kinda faltered, but my workouts have been fine.Well except leg days, my back was giving me issues so I had to pull off on heavy exercises, but I'm back to good now.

Also, I'd love to have a coffee or something with you! Maybe we can set something up when I start school again. And haha, I really need to get out there and explore the scene in OKC. I'm part of a gay organization at school, but I've never done anything with them really. Planning on taking a more active role this upcoming year and maybe tagging along on some of their outings. We'll see.

 

[Invidious]

I am right there with you. I am at 200lbs down from 245 or so. My friends pretty much call me Capt. Oblivious because I have had men hitting on me HARD and I just don't notice. I think it is something that you have to learn/get used to.

 

[alley]

Yes---I have experienced the same thing--I have never really thought of myself as attractive---but in the last few months I have been hit on a lot----it is so much fun. I love flirting so much now---of course I look a bit different at 180lb than I did at 250lb.

 

[alley]

Thanks for replying guys, Volcom, you're exactly right. I've made great strides, and plan to keep making them. My confidence has definitely grown that's for sure. Though I still give myself a hard time like you said, which I gotta get over.

Awesome, alley! Yeah I have issues with bread too, today was really my first week where my diet kinda faltered, but my workouts have been fine.Well except leg days, my back was giving me issues so I had to pull off on heavy exercises, but I'm back to good now.

Also, I'd love to have a coffee or something with you! Maybe we can set something up when I start school again. And haha, I really need to get out there and explore the scene in OKC. I'm part of a gay organization at school, but I've never done anything with them really. Planning on taking a more active role this upcoming year and maybe tagging along on some of their outings. We'll see.

Hey ---do you think it would be a good idea maybe to do a mini Jub meet at Eskimo Joes or something along that line---wonder if we could get any other Okies interested---

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

Absolutely well done to you guy. That is a massive achievement.

 

[EvilForce]

I didn't speak with him though, as it didn't really occur to me at the time to do that. (I know not smart, XD). But I've been set on trying to start a conversation with him next time I see him, sadly it's been over a week with no sight. I'm not sure if it's cause I come in on different days now or what who knows. Ah well, not bummed about it or anything, just amused.

I know they'll be a lot more opportunities, I just hope I can realize when they hit next time.

Remember this as a lesson. It may be a quirk of fate that you ran into him when you did. Always take the opportunity. Holding back saying mentally, "well next time I'll say something to him", means you may never get the opportunity again. Strike when the fire is hot.

 

[DarthWufei]

I am right there with you. I am at 200lbs down from 245 or so. My friends pretty much call me Capt. Oblivious because I have had men hitting on me HARD and I just don't notice. I think it is something that you have to learn/get used to.

Tell me about it. I've started to notice i get more looks and stares, but I never do anything about them. Like it never crosses my mind that they might be staring at me because they like me lol.

Hey ---do you think it would be a good idea maybe to do a mini Jub meet at Eskimo Joes or something along that line---wonder if we could get any other Okies interested---

I wouldn't mind that at all, sounds like fun. I'm up for it.

Absolutely well done to you guy. That is a massive achievement.

*Blush* Thanks, it's a great job well done, but I've still got a ways to go. Things can only get better.

Remember this as a lesson. It may be a quirk of fate that you ran into him when you did. Always take the opportunity. Holding back saying mentally, "well next time I'll say something to him", means you may never get the opportunity again. Strike when the fire is hot.

You're exactly right and I'm learning this. I just have get up onto the ball and grow some balls and start being a little more confident in myself. That way I can take those chances. Problem is I'm not very good at coming up with something out of the blue. usually when it's too late can I think of a nice way to approaach someone when they've shown interest.

Hell, last night at the gym )I swear this where I get most of my attention) there was a really nicve looking guy watching me from across the room when I was finishing up my leg work. I was under the assumption he was just watching me do the exercises, but he wouldn't stop even after I looked at him. I could've just gone up to him and asked him what he's doing and what part of the body that helps, something really simple, but I didn't htink of that until this morning. Not even to try and flirt, just feel him out see if he actually was interested.

I'm horrible I know lol.

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

Onwards and upwards then.