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It's about time

bhandsome

bhandsome

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It's only been less than a month since I came out to both of my best (female) friends. I'm so proud of myself for finally coming out to somebody! Now the thoughts of having to tell close family members, including my mother, have been daunting me.

One of my friends advised I wait to tell her in person, being I am currently away at college. I agree, I wouldn't tell her over the phone because she deserves a respectful in person conversation. I'm not really worried about her response but more so nervous about having to tell her in general. I'm sure this is a general concern for all who have came out or in the process of coming out like me. It's not a comfortable feeling and I can't wait to get it over with.

On top of that, I want to tell a handful of my frat brothers and it's been killing me to tell them. This whole journey has been a case of easier said than done, and I just want this all to be over. I wish it was just easy to simple respond with, "I'm gay," to every girl related question. Tired of covering up and lying to myself. I deserve better for myself and my future. I can't see myself being in a relationship or interacting with another gay man until I'm comfortable being seen in public with him and not give a damn about what people think.

Only time will tell...
 
To tell you the truth, I've been out for a year, and yet I have just recently started being uncaring and PDA-ing with my bf in public. Hiding and being embarrassed by it isn't a habit that's easy to get away from, but its also not necessary to break it completely before feeling comfortable with who you are. I'm out to everyone ever, but it's always easy with ppl you know.
 
Congrats and continued good luck as you come out. I've been where you are at, scared, but never regretted telling anyone and never looked back.
 
Whenever I'm with my brothers, the urge to tell them gets stronger. I want to follow my gut but my mind is holding me back.
 
I rushed a frat before, the whole girl thing made me not want to pledge. Ball was in my hand and I didn't take it. Let us know.
 
Well if I don't regret joining a frat but it feeling out of place comes as a consequence I guess
 
I have a strong gut feeling to start coming out to some of my brothers. The one's I feel closes too and won't run their mouths. Idk when or where but it will be very soon because I'm tired of hiding this and not living my life.

Wish me luck!
 
So there's this guy that I'm pretty sure that he's gay, but I don't want to approach him and look stupid. I've made a point of making eye contact with him and I even caught him checking me out from head to toe (I loved it, haha). His attitude and gestures make me think he's gay.

Should I approach him? I'm not sure what would I say
 
Do you share anything? Classes, mutual friends, w-ever? If yes, go to him/text him/msg him on FB and ask him out for coffee. If he's straight, he'll either get it and let you know what's what, or you'll have coffee and quickly find out on your own. If he's gay (and he probably is - you should trust your instincts more), he'll get that you're asking him out.

Which doesn't mean you need to do anything special even if he says yes and you have a nice time. Talk a little, see how approachable he is, then maybe share some of your story with him. We all needed that one gay guy to show us the ropes haha.

Or I might be completely off. I mean, I have no idea what kind of guy he is haha
 
bhandsome said:
So there's this guy that I'm pretty sure that he's gay, but I don't want to approach him and look stupid. I've made a point of making eye contact with him and I even caught him checking me out from head to toe (I loved it, haha). His attitude and gestures make me think he's gay.

Should I approach him? I'm not sure what would I say
Click to expand...

Just be casual.

First, say hello.

Then, talk about the great/shitty weather.

Then, ask him where he got something he's wearing if he is a cool dresser.

It may take a couple of sessions before you feel comfortable enough to ask him to grab a coffee or a bite with you or something like that, but that dear boy, is how it is done.

Try to do this in real time, and not through some flirtatious and cryptic texting.
 
bhandsome said:
So there's this guy that I'm pretty sure that he's gay, but I don't want to approach him and look stupid. I've made a point of making eye contact with him and I even caught him checking me out from head to toe (I loved it, haha). His attitude and gestures make me think he's gay. Should I approach him? I'm not sure what would I say.
Click to expand...

Hi Bhandsome,

You told us "This whole journey has been a case of easier said than done, and I just want this all to be over. I wish it was just easy to simple respond with, "I'm gay," to every girl related question. Tired of covering up and lying to myself. I deserve better for myself and my future. I can't see myself being in a relationship or interacting with another gay man until I'm comfortable being seen in public with him and not give a damn about what people think." and I tend to think that your current situation (ie a closeted gay) is one of the problems you face when you try to make contact with this guy.

I mean, when you would live as an open gay, and it would be widely known over there, then it would be also very likely that alot of people over there are aware that you are gay, and likely also this guy. Why not smile back to him, and say hi, and start any conversation about a relevant topic (see Rolyo85 his posting for some ideas).

So I tend to think that appoaching this guy is much easier and much more relaxed for you when you have openend yourself. On the other side, this does not mean that this particular guy will know for sure that you are gay. In contrast, I tend to think that you will be more relaxed about your own sexual orientation, and that you will feel less stressed in making contacts with other guys, be it straight ones or gay ones, when you have openend yourself, and when you feel comfortable about your own sexual identity.

I hope soon you will tell your frat guys (and others over there) that you are gay. Lateron, the news will go around, and then there is no need anymore to tell all people you are gay. In case the talkings are about girls, and they ask you a specific item about girls, you can also tell them 'I don't need a girlfriend'. Maybe they will reply with 'why not?' And then you can continu? Or are all of your frat mates already aware that you avoid discussions about girls, and thus don't involve you in that kind of discussions?

Best wishes & keep posting any question you would like to ask.
 
Thank you all for your input. Regardless of being in the closet or not, I don't find harm in wanting to be his friend. Maybe he will help me become more comfortable with my sexuality, especially being I don't really have any gay friends.
 
There is one thing you should consider - a LOT of out gay guys are not really cool with guys in the closet. I have caught myself having negative feelings for closeted guys too. It is because we all know how hard it is to come out, I guess, which makes us resentful towards people who in our eyes haven't made that effort.

I am just saying this to warn you. Your guy might not be that kind of person at all, but you won't know until you approach him. I just know I have a helluva easier time making gay friends now that I'm out than when I was still on a "need to know" basis.
 
^That makes total sense.

I've been trying to play multiple scenarios in my head about when I come out. Trying to think about what it means to be out. Do I just tell everybody I know or just respond when asked?
 
I can't give you a very good advice there, cause it's different for me. I'm a music major, and for music people it's almost the norm as far as outsiders are concerned (there are less of us in the music school than ppl would expect actually).

BUT what I did (and still do with new people) was, I just started to make sure it got clear to anyone I talked to that I was gay. I am not making a deal out of it, I act as if it's everybody's business, and it's just another quirky thing about me.

Also, I am friends with a lot of girls, so the news travels fast.

And last - I always wear a rainbow bracelet. I got different ones, but my favorite is leather, and very stylish, so it goes with practically anything. I wear it all the time, even during concerts.

So I am always in people's faces without being flaming. If you think any of this could be helpful to you, feel free to copy - it's hardly original to begin with.
 
So last night an old classmate of mine found me on Adam4Adam. A few years back he sent me a message on Facebook trying to hook up with me and I declined and told him I wasn't gay (denial at the time). He told me how he had the longest crush on me and always wanted to make out with me; I felt he was moving a little too fast and made me kinda uncomfortable, but I continued to talk to him. He told me he wanted to take me out to a movie/dinner and I told him I would consider it. Even though I really wouldn't...

I asked him if he has told anybody he was gay and he told me he's told close friends but will NEVER tell his family. Today I sent him a message telling him I will never consider going out with him because my journey consist of being honest with myself and my family and without doing so will lead to an unhappy life.

I feel it's a step in the right direction. Thoughts?
 
Yeah I should have been honest upfront but I guess I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I've always been raised to have a mind of my own and to be honest with myself so yeah it's a personal decision to surround myself with people who do the same
 
You were in his position before I assume. I would've have at least got in touch with him, nonsexually if you needed that barrier.
 
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