It's Been Three Years, and I Still Think About Him

[Nomenclature]

It's been three years since i've had contact with a certain someone. Even though It ended badly - due to reasons beyond either of our control -, and even though it's been such a long time, I still find myself thinking about him.


Does anyone else here have someone from long ago who still pops up in their mind?

 

[7Anthony5]

Yes, but it's been longer than 3 years. We didn't even part on bad terms. I've been trying to make contact, but no avail.

 

[HornyHenry]

I regret stuff I should have done with a couple of guys but didnt back before meeting my long time lover and going monogamous with him.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

There are a couple guys from my past that I still somewhat carry a torch for. I've made contact with one of them and in a year I will be moving relatively close by (an hour and a half drive) so we can see each other occasionally.

I think if you've broken up and its OVER, full stop, and you still linger over the relationship its still fine to do so. That said, there are degrees of lingering. Accepting that it is over and still, every once in a while, thinking about that person is normal. Dredging up thoughts often and being wistful about what was (given the same situation) means that there is a part of you that hasn't accepted the finality and you need to let go (and may need help to let go if its been a matter of years).


They guy who is in my life that I thought about for a long time and then recently reconnected with was a work-mate that ended up progressing into a bit more. He identified as straight, but he was bicurious at the time, and had a gf. Over the two years that we worked together our relationship grew as friends, but it was always with a very strong sexual undercurrent. When we went out with our crew for drinks every other week we'd sit beside each other at a table (with his gf on the other side of him) and we'd intentionally touch legs. It was our version of secretly holding hands.

So, eventually I left that place to focus on school and he worked at a couple more places in town before he left for europe for a few yeasrs. Before he left we met up at a pub, he and I, and chatted over a couple of beers. After leaving the pub we went for a drive and we stopped at the top of a low mountain that over-looked the city (nighttime) and I asked him if we wanted to get blown. He said yes, so I did. It lasted for maybe 2 minutes and we stopped because people were approaching, then we headed back to my place and we parted ways.

So I haven't seen him since. Its been about 10 years and I've thought about him often. Turns out he's thought of me too. I think he's still in the bicurious range, and maintains public relationships with women. Anyway, I found him recently through FB and we've been chatting it up. Our messaging (FB chat) has gotten VERY sexual so it should be interesting when I see him in a year.

It took me 10 years to find him again, but I did. Every year or so I'd do a Canada 411 search to see if anything came up but nothing ever did. Thank god for FB and that he signed up on it.

If we hadn't reconnected I would still think about him, wistfully, but I wouldn't pine away. I recognize that we had something, a something that he felt as well, and if that was all we were ever going to have then that was ok.

 

[Nomenclature]

If it's not too much to ask, i'll ask you to put yourself in his position and give me your honest thoughts:


You meet someone, you have a couple of incredible hook-ups together; there's a connection, and you start to fall for each other; you talk about seriously dating. Then, since you would be his first boyfriend, the other dude's crazy family finds out he's gay for the first time ever, they freak out and there's a huge argument. They call you up and tell you to stay away, because they can't deal with seeing their son date another guy right now, so you stop talking to him.


If things changed and that guy ever wanted to reconnect with you, would you be willing to talk to him again. . .or would you tell him to fuck off?



I understand that it's entirely MY fault for what happened; I was young, confused and just wanted to hook up to see "Okay, so am I actually gay or what?". I never expected to meet a guy like him on a site like that, and if it was up to me, he would have been my first boyfriend.


Part of me tells me that it would be INCREDIBLY audacious and insulting for me to ever try to reconnect with him, but I think I deserve some sort of closure. Hopefully that doesn't make me too selfish. \()/

 

[rareboy]

Yup.

Some good memories.

Some not.

25 years on.

 

[altlover85]

I think you deserve some closure too, Nom. His family's homophobia is not your fault.

 

[Sha-Rok]

Yeah..Friend w/ benefits that passed away. It's gotten to a point where I cried when I smelled his cologne. It brought back so many memories. I think it hurts so much because we ended had a major disagreement. Then a day before my birthday I get the message "Huy has passed"and it didn't compute until I decided to text back later that night. It was his brother who had sent the text. My heart drops just typing this. I don't think I'll ever forget him, nor do I want to.

 

[Nomenclature]

I think you deserve some closure too, Nom. His family's homophobia is not your fault.

Well, actually it was my family's homophobia that separated us. His family was homophobic, too. . .but by the time I met him, they had already had time to deal with it, had calmed down and adopted more of an "Okay, graduate college and get out of our house" mentality.

My family had just found out that I was gay and seeing a guy all in the same night. So, it was huuuuuuuge news. It was just really bad timing.



-----

Yeah..Friend w/ benefits that passed away. It's gotten to a point where I cried when I smelled his cologne. It brought back so many memories. I think it hurts so much because we ended had a major disagreement. Then a day before my birthday I get the message "Huy has passed"and it didn't compute until I decided to text back later that night. It was his brother who had sent the text. My heart drops just typing this. I don't think I'll ever forget him, nor do I want to.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've spoken to a few people who've gone through that, and I also have an uncle who's grieving the recent passing of my aunt. I can seriously imagine how it feels, and my heart really goes out to you.

 

[altlover85]

Oh, I misread. Either way, it's still not your fault for coming out. I don't think he should hold it against you.

 

[maxpowr9]

Although I vow never to consider "taking back" a guy, there is one guy that if he showed up at my doorstep, I would welcome into my arms right away. I still think about him almost everyday but I don't tell my current BF. Of course I think the problem with "that guy" is he just abruptly severed the relationship. He never returned my calls, emails etc as to why he did that. I told my current BF about him and he thought he was a nice guy but he at least assured me that if our relationship was struggling, he would at least sit down and talk with me about it and not just get up and walk away. I think if closure was brought to that relationship, the thoughts/feelings would go away but I still wonder why he just left me in the dark after 3 years.

 

[Sha-Rok]

Well, actually it was my family's homophobia that separated us. His family was homophobic, too. . .but by the time I met him, they had already had time to deal with it, had calmed down and adopted more of an "Okay, graduate college and get out of our house" mentality.

My family had just found out that I was gay and seeing a guy all in the same night. So, it was huuuuuuuge news. It was just really bad timing.



-----










I'm so sorry for your loss. I've spoken to a few people who've gone through that, and I also have an uncle who's grieving the recent passing of my aunt. I can seriously imagine how it feels, and my heart really goes out to you.

 

[MorrisseyX]

Wow the OP's post resonates with me. My story is sad but I guess it is life. I knew a guy for seven years he's from a different culture than me he is South Asian I am black.

I never really "looked" at a South Asian before or was attracted to South Asian men until I met this particular guy. He is very deep in the closet and I am not in the closet I am out to my family. I accept my homosexuality.

One day in his university residence five years ago he asked me if we could have sex. I said no because I was afraid of hurting the friendship. Next day in 2005 in the university office we are talking and then he kisses me. We don't talk for a week then we talk and agree to be pals. We get closer, he talks to me about the whole arranged marriage issue. He's the only son in his family so there is pressure for him to marry a woman. We cry on the phone late at night together because he's afraid his parents are old school from the Punjab they do not accept homosexuality.


I learned so much from him about India and how cruel the South Asian culture is to young Indians both gay and straight. Heterosexual South Asians got it rough too. If a person dates someone from a different caste, or religion they may be murdered by family members. The ritual is called an honour killing and yes it is serious. In Canada, there have been some high profile honour killing cases.

A few years pass and in 2008 we finally have sex. We start dating, he introduces me to Indian cuisine, Indian culture, his Indian friends. He buys me stuff, buys me clothes ect.
I fell hard for him. We break up because he wants to go back to being just pals.
He tells me he is 80% accepting of his homosexuality and 20% not accepting. He says he doesn't want a "committment" and so I tried to follow his wishes.

I say to myself "yes I can do this I can be just his friend this is what he wants." So for six months I do this in June 2009 it just got hard for me. I tell him I can't do this anymore it is too emotional for me. He gets upset cries on the phone hang ups on me. Sept 2009, I go to his house he screams at me for two hours. He's upset I did not call him for a few months. I say I didn't know what to say.

I return to university September 2010 focus on my course work. However, I still think about him. Sometimes I cry in my bedroom alone thinking about him.

May 2010 I call him leave a message, e-mail no response. I tell him in the e-mail yes we both made mistakes but I also say to him I hope he's happy, hope he gets the help he needs from his South Asian friends and lives his life on his own terms.

I enter therapy in June 2010. I entered therapy because I thought something was wrong with me. I wondered to myself, why do I think about him? It has been nine months this is not normal.
The therapist says he thinks the issue about ex boyfriend relates to his own issues and is not about me.


I wish I NEVER contacted him in May 2010 I totally made a fool out myself. My phone message was short I just said how are you and left my phone number. But why wasn't I stronger? For over eight months I never contacted him and I wish I never had.

Anyway, he gone and if I have to urge to contact him again I will call my sister. My sister said it best she said "do you think he cares about you? He's not thinking about you so don't think about him. Concentrate on you, get fit, go to the gym." I start going to the gym and volunteering. I enter final year in university in September 2010. I promise I will not contact him again. Do I miss him? Of course, I do. I sincerely hope he resists his parents. I know people think Toronto is this amazing city but old cultural beliefs are tough to break. He has good friends and I hope he can stand up to his parents and not marry a woman. I sincerely wish him well in life I really do.

 

[LuvBoys]

Absolutely! I think it's completely normal to think about guys you've liked in the past. I mean you look back on all sorts of good times and bad times and memories from your past, why wouldn't you think about people you've cared about or had feelings for?

I still think about a few of the guys that I wish I still knew, or wish I could go back and do things differently. A few that got away and a few that I have certain regrets I wish I could go back and fix. Once people get inside your heart, there's no letting go, no matter what. They may be pushed away in the recesses, but once in a while anyone who's touched your life will pop up into your thoughts.