It's eating my up inside.

[Obsessive]

I don't know what to do anymore, so let me start by telling you all what my problem is. I really like this guy, and I have for about 6 years (Since I was in the 7th grade of middle school.) I've always told myself oh It will pass, you have to get over him you'll never be able to get with him, he's straight. But again and again, I find myself being drawn back to him no matter what I do, he seems like the perfect match for me, and I've never been able to completely get over him.

The whole thing starts when I was best friends with him for most of middle school, we did everything together. We knew each others secrets, liked the same things and all the things you'd find between compatible people. Later on he started being mean to me, but I never felt like he really meant it, he'd call on me to go up in the front of the class all the time, he'd always comment on me, be a critic, all things that made me fall deeper and deeper in love with him. We still talk, he's still in a lot of my classes, and I can't take it anymore. People, me included have always suspected him of being gay, or bisexual and I mean a lot of people think it, even his other friends. Let me tell you though, that we are by no means "best friends" how we used to be. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm openly gay to only a handful of people, just because sometimes you need someone to talk to that's not on the other side of a computer screen god knows how many miles away.

So my problem is, I don't think I can ask him out without openly admitting that I'm gay, a thing I don't believe I'm ready to do - and even if I was I wouldn't know if I'm his type, or even if he's gay at all.

It's just like destroying my inside, and I don't know how to handle it. Suggestions?

 

[TX-Beau]

I don't know what to do anymore, so let me start by telling you all what my problem is. I really like this guy, and I have for about 6 years (Since I was in the 7th grade of middle school.) I've always told myself oh It will pass, you have to get over him you'll never be able to get with him, he's straight. But again and again, I find myself being drawn back to him no matter what I do, he seems like the perfect match for me, and I've never been able to completely get over him.

The whole thing starts when I was best friends with him for most of middle school, we did everything together. We knew each others secrets, liked the same things and all the things you'd find between compatible people. Later on he started being mean to me, but I never felt like he really meant it, he'd call on me to go up in the front of the class all the time, he'd always comment on me, be a critic, all things that made me fall deeper and deeper in love with him. We still talk, he's still in a lot of my classes, and I can't take it anymore. People, me included have always suspected him of being gay, or bisexual and I mean a lot of people think it, even his other friends. Let me tell you though, that we are by no means "best friends" how we used to be. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm openly gay to only a handful of people, just because sometimes you need someone to talk to that's not on the other side of a computer screen god knows how many miles away.

You know what, until you can be honest about who you are, you have no business worrying about anyone else. So you can’t tell him you’re gay, you can’t ask if he is, you can’t give him up, and so around and around the angst wheel you go.

Of course you could walk away, you just won’t. You could work on that closet thing, you could do a lot of things that you’re not doing. Why is that?

Is it safer and easier to pine away over someone you know you’ll never have, than it is to work on being out, and finding a guy who’ll love you back?

So my problem is, I don't think I can ask him out without openly admitting that I'm gay, a thing I don't believe I'm ready to do - and even if I was I wouldn't know if I'm his type, or even if he's gay at all.

What? You're unwilling for him to know you're gay? How is that gonna work out exactly? You have no right to ask him, if you're not willing to answer the question yourself.

t's just like destroying my inside, and I don't know how to handle it. Suggestions?

What's destroying you I suspect is that you're pretty sure he's not gay and have no intention of finding out, and that makes him a safe outlet to obsess over, instead of doing the hard and scary things like coming out and gambling on finding a real gay man who might or might not return your interest.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, your JUB name kinda sums it up, doesn't it?

It's a common theme here. "I'm gay but closeted, and I think my friend is gay but closeted, and I want to ask him out/hook up with him, but I don't want him to know I'm gay." Sorry. No risk, no reward.

You've got plenty of history, and he's still friends with you, even if you're no longer pinky-pals. So I'd say your friendship can handle something like "coming out of the closet". Because that's your first move. And, to be honest, your only move. If he's gay, you admitting your sexuality will be his cue that you're cool with it, and that he can tell you if he so desires. If he doesn't respond with a "me too" thing, then either he's straight, or he's gay and (for whatever reason) not interested in pursuing something with you. So if you don't get a response, then you need to accept that.

I say that's the only move, but I guess to be honest, it's the only move FORWARD. You can move sideways. Stalk him on facebook and myspace and twitter and real life, looking for more "hints" and suggestions that he's gay. And get excited at all the "hints" that suggest he is, and convince yourself not to trust the ones that suggest he's straight. But it won't help your insides any.

Lex

 

[rahulxxx]

Do you have a group that I could join?!
coz you and I share the same story !
anyway..it hurts, i know! i experience it on a daily basis... thinking about him twenty four seven...but it isnt worth it... do the age old thing... keep yourself busy.../!!! may god bless us, both !

 

[spencer]

Have you tried dating gay men?

 

[Seasoned]

How long has this been going on and how old are you? What you are doing to yourself is not healthy. Some therapy might help. Short of that try the self-help section at your local large bookstore.

You need to take care of yourself. And you need to realize and believe that you are a complete person all by yourself. Relationships should never be used to make up for inadequacies.

My guess is that you feel safe in the closet and hope for a relationship with your dream guy to make everything better for you. No healthy person wants the task of making someone else feel complete. I'm afraid that until you realize that you already have everything necessary for a healthy life you are setting yourself up for an unhealthy relationship, or a series of unhealthy ones.

Life is not the fairy (no pun intended) tale of waiting around to be saved by the prince on the horse. Please see what you are doing to yourself. Become the best person you can be. An aura of self-confidence will attract others to you. I wish you the best. It will take some work, but it will be worth it.

 

[deserter85]

Have you tried telling him how you feel?