It's happened again

[crubbed]

Hey.
It's been a long time since I last posted.

I don't know if anybody remembers my history. It's pretty long, and hard to recap. You could check my previous posts if you're interested.

Well, here I am again. This summer, just like last one, I have been working as a waiter at a popular bar in my little town. And I've kinda 'fallen in love' with one of my customers. Actually, I met him last year: I made friends with these very straight and horny guys, named Liam and Matt. They are athletic, and have lots of experience with women, and most of all, gulp!, they don't have a clue that I am gay. The guy I was talking about hanged out with them, and he's named Al. Actually, he was Liam's cousin. Last year, when I used to wait for them, I noticed that he was totally handsome and hot, but we didn't really 'click'. Instead, I became really close with Liam and Matt. During the winter, I've been out of town, at college, and in the meantime Al graduated. This summer, when I came back to work, the tables turned: Al has become my new daily customer (together with his friend, hot as well) and the other two guys have never actually come regularly. So, I started developing a real relationship with this guy, I helped him and his friends with some things and then..........

....Then what happened is that his coming at my bar really made my day, I was always quite happy to see him etc etc. Today, he had to leave for college (he's starting now) at 7 pm and I invited him and his friend at my place for breakfast. They were more than glad to accept. I made breakfast for them (and it looked and tasted really good), and we spent, like, 3 hours sitting here, chatting and laughing and stuff -- never a moment of silence.

He is such a funny guy - quirky and goofy in a certain way, but totally handsome, and hot, and he's got such an awesome smile... and his eyes smile with his mouth. He's Caucasian but he's got a dark complexion, black hair, black eyes (needless to say - he looks smashing in black) and one of the hottest bodies I've ever come across with. He's just like those models in porn, you know. He's totally too hot for words. Today, while we were joking, he also admitted to being virgin, with no real problems [he was saying something along the lines of 'I want to live until 130 yrs, and I want to bang every girl all my life althou I'm still a virgin!' (or something like that, just consider that he was kidding and we were laughing)]. OMG, he's 3 years younger than me, he's super-hot and he's still a virgin. I like him even more.

I also like how he and his friend look up to me. Since I am older, they treat me as an older (and straight) brother and I love that.

Anyway, today, I had to tell him goodbye, and good-luck for his college days and stuff. How I whish I was just as young as him, and needing to start college for the first time (my first year was a disaster... check my previous posts). That made me sad, a little. You know, it's not like I'm madly in love. I know that there will never be anything. I'd like to think so, but that's never going to happen. I really like him, and in a way I whish I was like him. Handsome, straight (yeah, I know) and all the rest. Saying goodbye to him was not bad on a "love level", it's just that it makes me feel empty and longing. You know? In a way, it opens my eyes.

I don't even know why I am posting this. There's nothing you guys can tell me, because there's nothing I'm really asking. I probably needed to vent. Tonight I really miss him, I will miss him as one of my customers and oh, how I whish I had a picture with him. But that's it for now. I'm really preventing myself from making it an obsession as it happened in the past.

But it's a really sad thing to fall for a straight dude.

 

[Horschallen]

When one door closes, another door opens. Good luck with your future new customers.

 

[8tomtoms8]

Your last sentence really says it all. Falling for a staight guy only hurts the gay guy. I know, I've been there. Good luck finding a guy who swings the way you do.

 

[rareboy]

Falling for straight guys is the easiest way that gay guys can avoid the actual effort and the possibility of rejection and betrayal that might come from getting involved with a gay guy.

It is a great way of preserving a fantasy and romance.

Literature is rife with similar stories of unrequited love and pent up passion.

 

[crubbed]

Well said, rareboy.

You know, I think distance makes the heart grow fonder... that's why I'm thinking about him more and more. I wonder if he's been thinking about me at all.

I also find it interesting to examine this case in order to estabilish once and for all WHAT attracts me in a man. Something that Al and Sacha had in common is that they really rely(-ed) on me, their beatuful smile and their quirky sense of humor. Needless to say, they were both hot (but Al is hotter), but I think that comes after everything else. When Al was a simple customer, yeah I noticed he was super-hot, but I didn't give a damn. He even came at my home once, but nothing came out of it. He wasn't himself when he was with his cousin and Matt. Oddly enough, he's himself with me now (I think).

The idea of coming out of the closet just freaks me out.
My little town would take fun of me, and my family... ohh, my mother would have a heart attack, my sister and my brother-in-law would forbid me from seeing my nephew and so on. More than anything, I've never had any real experience with women. I've never met one that would consider me a possible love interest. I'd like to know what it feels like to bang one. Plus, I don't like gay/girlish guys, I'm more into masculine guys, so, there goes my tendency to fall for straight guys. I'm also planning to have gay sex soon, but by hiring an escort.

One last thing: this year, some of the customers of the bar have started targetting me because they think I'm gay. Every once in a while, in my whole life, people have come out and claimed I was gay and all. All the time, the thing upset me and made me all nervous and sad for days.

I don't know what these customers see in me. I wear a hat at work, I hardly even speak, I'm running all the time, and I'm very thin. I try to move the manliest way I can imagine, but nonetheless they start pointing at me, whispering in their ears and looking at me. I hate it. It makes me nervous and very depressed. I would hate that the rumor would reach the ears of someone who thinks I'm straight. In fact, I tend to cut all the relationships with people who think I'm straight but came across the rumor that I was probably gay. Those relationships are, like, compromised, to me.

I know, I'm pathetic. But that's the way it is for me now. My dream is just to sleep on Al's chest someday. But that will always be a dream.

Whoa, I haven't been THAT honest in quite sometime. I usually lie every second of the day.

 

[GBirdie]

Well, honestly speaking, from my point of view.... having to hide your sexuality, and trying to ACT Manly, is quite a hard thing to do. I, personally, came out, because I was tired of acting straight, and while my friends talked about the hot girl on the right side of the bar, I was checking out the cool guy on the left.... whenever they asked my opinion, I'm like "Oh, that one?.... hmm.... well, she's cool...."


But anyhow, choosing whether to come out or not is totally your own choice. But I think, you shouldn't force yourself to ACT manly or anything like that. Most importantly, Just BE Yourself. And Why cut off relationships of people who are straight and heard that you're gay? Stick with them and prove them wrong (or right)........ or else you'll have to end up making friends all over again all the time.

If people try to pass rumours around that you're gay or anything, well, personally I don't know what it feels like coz I look totally straight from the outside and haven't had any rumours of me being gay passed around. You don't really have to care, if I were you, I'd only face the rumour if it came to my doorstep.

Just some advice anyway.

Lastly, lemme tell you something I've known so far. "A dream that can come true isn't a dream"


So long, and good luck

 

[truegentleman]

One last thing: this year, some of the customers of the bar have started targetting me because they think I'm gay. Every once in a while, in my whole life, people have come out and claimed I was gay and all. All the time, the thing upset me and made me all nervous and sad for days.

This feeling sucks. I'm familiar with it as well, and if you figure out a way to get over it without coming out let me know.

 

[chance1]

great story - or rather great real life stuff

not easy crushin on str8s - we've all done it - sometimes its fun and harmless - sometimes its intense and .......... useless

love the idea that its not just about sex - how ur convos were so stimulating - we get a bad rap about being ALL about sex - and well it isnt - for me anyway - so thanks for pointing that out

u write really well crubbed - and i can tell from how u lay it out there - that ur good - and that's good

all the best

i look forward to ur thread about finding a gay guy

 

[rareboy]

I wear a hat at work, I hardly even speak, I'm running all the time, and I'm very thin. I try to move the manliest way I can imagine, but nonetheless they start pointing at me, whispering in their ears and looking at me. I hate it. It makes me nervous and very depressed. I would hate that the rumor would reach the ears of someone who thinks I'm straight. In fact, I tend to cut all the relationships with people who think I'm straight but came across the rumor that I was probably gay. Those relationships are, like, compromised, to me.

It's the hat.

Just kidding.

Isn't it time that you moved someplace else?

You can act as manly as you want to. The signs of gay are unmistakable. I could pick you out of a crowd in a minute.

But stop hiding from others and yourself and enjoy this wonderful gift you've been given.

Find joy.

 

[seven_sins]

If some of your customers are beginning to think you are gay, you may be giving them clues that you are totally unaware of. For example, if a group of guys and girls come in and your eyes check out the guys and not the girls, what do you think they would conclude? You also might be unknowingly flirting with the guys and neglecting the girls. I think your best bet is to just forget it and be yourself. You can't help who you are. Better yet, go back to college. Or do you want to be a waiter for the rest of your life?

 

[crubbed]

Thank you all for your responses guys; with all my heart!

If some of your customers are beginning to think you are gay, you may be giving them clues that you are totally unaware of. For example, if a group of guys and girls come in and your eyes check out the guys and not the girls, what do you think they would conclude?

I always make a point of checking hot chicks when they come on my way, making sure that my straight co-workers notice it as well. I've gotten used to that. Even thou I don't give a shit about that girl's ass, I will go on and say "OMFG!". I avoid looking at boys in that sense.

I think your best bet is to just forget it and be yourself. You can't help who you are

You know what? This summer I have realized that I am the perfect definition of "gay". Let me explain it: I am always happy, I'm always smiling, I'm always laughing and stuff. "Gay" in that sense. But then people start pointing their fingers at me, and I actually feel disgusted of myself, and guilty of being that happy. I don't know where that comes from.

I'm a very nice and kind person. Even when I don't give in to my over-the-top tendencies, I'm always kind and down-to-earth. But it looks to me like that's not what's required from a man. Every straight man I know is just so monotone, always carrying that grumpy and don't-share-an-emotion face*. While I don't wanna be like them, I wanna have something that they have: the fact that noone will ever suggest they're gay, and that plenty of stupid chicks will fall for them.
[*now that I'm thinking about it, I started falling for Al when he started smiling and laughing with me... I even mentioned his wonderful smile above... wow]

When I have old customers, I am myself because usually old people don't recognize a gay guy like me (I mean... I'm not what you'd call queer, and by that I mean no offense to anyone). When I have young customers, well, I wear that grumpy and chip-on-my-shoulder face, in order not to look gay, but then again, I come off as bitchy, so there goes my cover.

Better yet, go back to college. Or do you want to be a waiter for the rest of your life?

Being a waiter is just a summer job, don't worry. I'll go back to college (3rd year) as soon as I finish here. I wanted to work this year, just like last year, as some kind of act of penitence because on my first year, my roomate discovered I loved him and threw me out [check my old posts.... long and dramatic story!]

Tonight Liam and Matt came to pick me up at work. I've spent a couple of hours with them. Liam fell asleep, but Matt (who was driving) told me everything about a summer affair he had with a girl from here... What a hot story! And it was totally real. My God, I wonder when he will ever notice that I have never got anything like that to tell him.

While talking, they also started badmouthing Al and his friend (the one he always came with to sit at my tables). Liam/Matt are not friends with Al/friend anymore, for some odd reason. They started talking about them as spineless kids, and Liam accused Al of still being virgin no matter being that good-looking. That made Al look even hotter to my eyes. Now he's also kind of a poor sexy victim I'm going to protect.

If only Liam and Matt knew that I invited Al and his friend at my home before they left, and not them (for now... I'll call them on Wednesday!).

This feeling sucks. I'm familiar with it as well, and if you figure out a way to get over it without coming out let me know.

Yeah, I whish! You know, I don't understand... Don't these guys have a life?! Don't they have anything to do beside targetting me? When I am with guys who think I'm straight, so when I am in straight mode, I'm never like 'Oh, look at that fag!'. Nor would I say 'look at that dyke!'. I could not stand it even if I was out. I don't know -- these guys seem to have a void in their life that they can fill only by swifting the attention on us. I hate them so much. [oh, and the same goes for those bitches who act like that too]

PS. JUB... THANK YOU FOR EXISTING.

 

[Lube]

You've been given lots of good advice in this thread about accepting yourself for who you are.

Heed it.

Don't hide it.

 

[crubbed]

You've been given lots of good advice in this thread about accepting yourself for who you are.

Heed it.

Don't hide it.

I don't know who I am... I could be bi, as far as I know (I haven't had any real experience with either sex; I occasionally like straight porn).
And now that your signature makes me think about it, I've never even been comfortable in my skin, since I've never liked my body (too slim).

 

[crubbed]

Okay, here I am.

Today, Al came back to town from college, and the first thing he did was coming at my bar to say hi. I can't tell you my happiness when I saw him. I felt my heart smiled. He came alone (his friend is still there), just to say hi. We talked for about 30 minutes non-stop (thank god there was noone), and it was just beautiful. We laughed and smiled... But I got further confirmation that he's ultra straight. Uh, whatever. In the end, we shaked hands and said goodbye. He told me he is going to come back before he leaves once and for all for college.

He was so beautiful... I spent, like, two minutes looking at his wonderful lips. And he's so funny as well.

Then, when we closed the bar, Liam and Matt came to pick me up. I thought we were in for one of our usual after-work rides with the car....Not. Sure we drove around town, but ultimately we ended up on the beach, where we met a female tourist walking a dog. Liam stopped her and we started chatting. Liam and Matt started doing some main sexual innuendo, and the girl responded (she didn't give in, but she just smiled and continued chatting with us). For example, they asked her what was the dirtiest thing she ever said while making sex. And she answered something I can't remember right now (I could not care less). We went on for about 45 minutes (soo boring), and then she left to go back to her boyfriend (Liam started criticizing him, saying he was not a man to let his girlfriend go around the streets while he was sleeping).

What followed was, like, half hour of Liam and Matt driving around town, and regretting not having caught the girl and made sex with her: they were sure she was "wet", and that she was going to have sex with her boyfriend as soon as she got back in the car. And they were like "OMG, what stopped me?!? That bitch...". I laughed with them and stuff, but the truth is: she wasn't that "worth it".

What really bummed me was that they totally misinterpreted her behaviour. Sure, it was a little ambiguous, but the way they saw it she was going to give it to them but then resisted for her boyfriend. To me? She was sleepless, enjoyed some talking, wasn't afraid to touch hot issues, and couldn't care less. I'm just so speechless in front of the fact that there can be two opposite points of view for the same happening. I also think that some of these guys' confidence would help me.

(PS. I saw Matt's dick while all the three of us were peeing. OMG, disgusting. Al's dick, on the other hand I'd pay to see)

(PPS. oh, yeah, Al... he looked like a star today. Just think: he arrived back in town at 7 a.m., and at 6 pm - when I start working - he was there at my tables. I absolutely adore him. How couldn't I?)

 

[crubbed]

Hey there.

Today I told him goodbye. He's leaving town for good tomorrow morning. I did my best to get a day off today, to spend it with him, but in the end I only got to spend just one freaking hour with him this morning. He woke me up, he came to my place with his friend, we had breakfast (I was in zombie mode because of work) and that was it. We said goodbye. It was awful. I went to sleep from that moment on because I'm totally depressed. AGAIN.

I wanted to hug him. But all I got was a shake of hands. He was his beautiful self today. I love him deeply. He's gorgeous but I don't lust over him. I'd love to sleep on his chest and things like that... it's not only a sexual thing.

I feel there's a deep hole of affection inside me. I wanted him to fill it (and he did for quite sometime). I won't see him until December (and for that time, I think I'll be over my current affection). But these days will be awful, being alone and thinking about him. And to think that he doesn't care about me as I do about him. I cannot even cry.

I don't think that my problem is about being closeted and thus loving straight guys. If Al was gay, and had the same personality he has, I would be even more in love.

I found some pictures of him via some of his friends' pages on Facebook. I saved them. I think that's some pretty obsessive behaviour. But he's so beautiful. I'd just love to stop thinking about him all day long. I'll even miss waiting on him in my tables. Please, guys... help me with your responses. I'm feeling so empty and lonely.

 

[G-Lexington]

If this were a movie, when you grabbed your suitcases and were all set to step aboard the bus, you'd hear the voice behind you - "Crub?" And there he'd be, crying, finally admitting his feelings for you.

This isn't a movie.

You'll board the bus/plane/train, move to a new city, and start rebuilding your life. You'll be busy getting things together, finding your place in a new setting, and meeting new people. And, day to day, the pain will become less. Eventually, it'll settle into something a lot more bearable. Something you can talk about with friends - "I had such a crush on this guy..." - and even laugh about.

But that's a side effect. Your real goal - get your life going again.

Lex

 

[crubbed]

If this were a movie, when you grabbed your suitcases and were all set to step aboard the bus, you'd hear the voice behind you - "Crub?" And there he'd be, crying, finally admitting his feelings for you.

This isn't a movie.

You'll board the bus/plane/train, move to a new city, and start rebuilding your life. You'll be busy getting things together, finding your place in a new setting, and meeting new people. And, day to day, the pain will become less. Eventually, it'll settle into something a lot more bearable. Something you can talk about with friends - "I had such a crush on this guy..." - and even laugh about.

But that's a side effect. Your real goal - get your life going again.

Lex

I know I'll be better tomorrow, and I will probably forget about him in a week, but right now what scares me the most is that I am "able" to feel this way very easily. It doesn't take me too much to feel so depressed. That scares me so much.

 

[G-Lexington]

Then keep yourself busy enough that you don't have time or energy to feel that way.

Lex

 

[crubbed]

Then keep yourself busy enough that you don't have time or energy to feel that way.

Lex

That's the reason I got this job in the first place, but nonetheless the feeling found its way back in my soul.

Tomorrow, I'm going back to work, but I will feel the absence of those two guys. I just wish I could understand what is the thing that attracts me in this guy (which is the same thing that attracted me in Sacha). They both trusted me and looked me from the down up, as I was their mentor. I probably like it when handsome men show me their weaknesses and somehow ask me to protect them (or that's what I imagine). I have such a twisted mind... I hope I'll fall asleep pretty soon tonight, in order to forget about him pretty quickly.