It's never the alcoholic's fault, is it?

[Yves]

Enabling and codependency are not uncommon.

gsdx, this thread and similar comments you have made in the past seem to confirm your role as an enabler. You and your friend deserve a healthier future. Living together is not a good solution. Have you considered a new roommate? What are the barriers?

 

[gabriel1]

been there done that. It will never change unless you stop giving him money. At which time you will be totally in the wrong in his eyes. Reading of your circumstance in the past makes me post that I think you really need to find another option for living.

 

[seven_sins]

I have the feeling that gsdx relies on this guy to help pay the bills.

 

[Críostóir]

Time to change the locks and put his stuff in the yard.

Most loving thing you can do at this point.

Get a new housemate. First, if you need to.

 

[NickCole]

I have the feeling that gsdx relies on this guy to help pay the bills.

Well yes, that's pretty obvious.

The point is, there are reliable people who need a place to live and will help pay the bills.

We choose the people who populate our life. And they, in turn, become part of defining the quality of our life.

 

[PreTTy PeTe]

i like all this great advice
anybody qualified to offer it
just asking

i lost my brother because of substance abuse
i was just a kid

we were being easy
give him tough love
they said

one day he just walked out the door
and never came home

it's been 20 years of me waiting for him to come home
i still have the same phone number
just in case

 

[Jeimuzu]

Why are people blaming gsdx for this? The 'giving him $10', as he stated was for paying the rent. In other words, that guy hadn't coughed up enough. I'm pretty sure a landlord wouldn't give a damn about who's paying, who owes what, and so on. He wants his money, and if you don't cough up *on time* you lose the house.

That's not classic enabler behaviour, it's classic 'normal guy' behaviour. He's done nothing to enable the guy to indulge his habit except letting him stay; and I'd assume it'd not really be so easy to kick a guy out when you need to have a housemate to pay the rent.

I swear, it's almost as if half the people here seem to think it's not the alcoholic's fault, and you are ironically enough, blaming gsdx like the alcoholic housemate.

On the topic of the OP, I seem to remember this tramp guy who was subject to a documentary. Complete alcoholic, he had a cousin who was a landlord who actually one day started letting the guy use a flat of his for free. So the guy now had a nice house for free, and had all those benefits coming in... what did he do? Spent his entire month's benefit cheque on wine in one day, drank it all, and then complained.

 

[PreTTy PeTe]

i'm not blaming anybody

it's easy to blame the addict but you have to remember he does have a disease

and it's easy to blame the person you call the enabler because they have to cope with the shit that happening around them

but it's harder to do something about it

any advice should be constructive
that's what i'm saying

http://www.canadiandrugrehabcentres.com/drug_rehab_centres/Ontario_drug_rehab_centres/more2.html

 

[darcey]

If I could, I would help you physically or financially GSDX, but I'm not employed right now.

You deserve supportive people & this guy is not one of them.

Please seek supportive help - it does exist !!

 

[Spensed]

My post copied from an earlier thread in case it might be of use or interest to anyone:

Al-Anon helps people who are affected by someone else's alcoholism.

You can find out some basic details on its website:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

There are gay orientated meetings. It would surprise me if gay issues would cause any problem at any meeting you go to. But you can see what kind of people are at the meeting and what they are saying before revealing your hand.

It's suggested that you try at least six meetings to see whether anything clicks as different meetings have different characters. Some are very friendly and welcoming. Others are more stand-offish to newcomers. People tend to react to the vibe you put out so, if you're in a leave-me-alone mode, chances are you'll be left alone. The meetings typically comprise opening readings from program text, a speaker sharing his "experience, strength and hope", a coffee break and sharing from individuals in the group. However, some meetings will substitute a book study for the sharing. There is no completely fixed format.

It's an anonymous program and, although people may introduce themselves, no one's going to impose themselves on you and you can leave at any time. You can just pass if, by any chance, someone asks you to say something so you don't have to say anything at all about yourself ever and certainly not unless you feel confortable.

Whether it works for any individual is up to them. But, even if it doesn't, there are a couple of very good principles that many people would find useful, e.g. "detachment" that you can love someone without having to fix them; that you have to keep the focus on yourself and your own behavior because you have some control on those things and ultimately you have no control over what someone else does nor doesn't do; and, finally, particularly useful for teenagers, is that you aren't responsible for someone else's alcoholism or behavior.

For obvious reasons, it's especially useful, in my opinion, for teenagers with alcoholic parents or people with alcoholic "significant others".

Alcoholism impacts not only the alcoholic but also the people close to him or her sometimes without them realising it. Al-anon doesn't prejudge whether you stay with the alcoholic in your life or leave. It gives you a support group and a methodology for dealing with your self and things you actually have some control over, yourself and your own actions.

Some people have an issue with the Higher Power concept, which I see as having more to do with the historical origins of twelve step programs as much as anything else. But, if that doesn't work for you, hear it out and see whether you can use the concept as a tool or not.

For me, the Al-Anon program (and I'm not as heavily into it as maybe I should be) was very helpful not only in changing the way I behave around people with alcohol problems but also people generally. I am much less drawn to people, who are a mess, so that I can work on their problems with them. But I'm also much happier just playing the ball back with people generally rather than trying to control what they do with it. So that, as Martha would say, is a good thing.

But do check out the meetings. It isn't a cult. It's an anonymous program that costs nothing. So, if it's not for you, nothing's lost.

 

[LaloGS]

Talking about the alcoholic who currently shares my abode.

He never has the money to pay me back for what he owes, but he always finds a way to buy his booze. When I get frustrated and upset and challenge him on it, he gets mad at me and switches everything around so it sounds (at least in his own mind) that I'm the one who is responsible.

GSDX, it's called enabling. You need to stop. As long as the enabling continues his drinking will continue. He needs to recognize what is important to him, and can't because of his addiction to alcohol, and you are not helping. Bring tough love to bear on him and force him to make a choice, the bottle or what ever else is important to him.