It's not worth it anymore.

[JayQueer]

I'm 25 and I'm from Southern California. I am Indian-American (my parents came to the US from India). I am also a gay man.

My parents have known that I am gay for about 1 year. But they would prefer that I not talk about it -- they want me to stay in the closet, at least for another 10 years. They often say that I am selfish for not wanting to settle down in a traditional lifestyle with a wife (an Indian girl, of course) and give them grandchildren. My parents are extremely traditional & conservative -- my father still thinks I should consider "therapy" that might help me "change" to become straight. Still, due to my Indian culture, I cannot break my ties and connections with my parents.

I thought I would find a little more acceptance in L.A., in West Hollywood, but I've found that the guys in West Hollywood aren't interested in me at all. I guess maybe because I have a merely average (or by gay standards, maybe even fat) body. Maybe it's because my life doesn't revolve entirely around drinking or partying. Or maybe it's because I'm Indian, and most of the other guys are White. Perhaps all of those gay guys from the Midwest see me as a foreigner, even though I've lived in California longer than any of them.

When I look at my personal life, I don't know if there's anything to look forward to. Does being a gay man mean that I have to spend my time in gay bars, or trolling Craigslist or Grindr, hoping to hook-up with a different guy every night?

My (straight) friends are married, or are getting ready to get married soon. I cringe -- not because they're getting married -- but because I'm constantly reminded that I haven't found a special someone in my life, or at the least, a close group of gay friends whose lives don't revolve around sex or something superficial.

I accept myself for being gay, even though I wish I wasn't gay. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to face the discrimination & challenges that being openly gay entails. I cannot count the number of times I have cried myself to sleep.

I feel like just a failure and disappointment & just don't know if life is worth living anymore.

 

[Mitch04]

I've asked myself that question before. Do you want to know what the answer was every time I asked??? Yes life is worth living. I myself have gone through more stuff in my 20 years of existence than most people will ever go through in a lifetime. I've dealt with injuries, accidents, disease, death, violence, hatred, extreme depression and so much more I can't even remember. It is pretty sad that when I was 17 I made a prediction that I wouldn't make it to 20. The one thing you have to remember through all of this... is that things ALWAYS get better. I myself just went through hell on and off for the last decade of my life and maybe a bit before that. However now at the end of all that suffering came great rewards. I have a great job, a wonderful set of friends, a nice family and things although still a bit rocky are looking up. You may read this, and choose to believe what I said or not. It might sound like my life wasn't all that bad and I am just making things sound worse then they actually are. But in all honesty... all of it is true and everything is worse than it sounds, I just can't explain my life well with words. I am almost in tears myself as I am typing this but what is stopping me from crying is the thought that things always did and always will get better. I'm sorry I can't put my emotions and thoughts into words very well.

 

[Seasoned]

My suggestion would be to get involved in activities, clubs, social organizations, etc. Right now you need friends. I would also suggest looking for Indian gay groups and an Indian therapist to help with self acceptance.

I wish your parents could be put in touch with PFLAG.

 

[GPK1984]

Well i can say i have and still feel the same as you but please don't do anything crazy!! It's not worth it gets better.

 

[altlover85]

All I have to say is don't despair and don't give in to what others want you to be.

I know men in their 60's and 70's that did that and you don't want to have all the issues they have because you decided that making society happy was better than making yourself happy.

You deserve better and so do your children!

Good luck and if you need to talk to someone don't hesitate to PM me!

 

[treanir]

Does being a gay man mean that I have to spend my time in gay bars, or trolling Craigslist or Grindr, hoping to hook-up with a different guy every night?

No. That is NOT what being gay is. It's fine if that's your thing, but it's not a requirement any more than having a rainbow flag tattooed on your right butt cheek is. Yes, many gay men seem to live their lives in clubs and on hookup sites. However, do realise that they are the most visible group out there, the one that's catered to the most. There are plenty of us who are not club bunnies and who don't live on Grindr. We're just a bit harder to find? Where we are? Well, we can sometimes be found dancing out little tails off in a club, but more often we're in non-nightlife connected social groups.

Apart from trying to find your place in the gay world, I also see a struggle with living as a gay American Indian. I've done some research on being gay and member of a native people and I've found a few good resources. You may have already found these, but I'm going to give them anyway:
Two Spirits (a documentary)
The NorthEast Two-Spirit Society
Collection of Two-Spirit societies
The Bay Area American Indian Two-Spirits (a little closer to you than New York)

And lastly, a personal recommendation: [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Uncles-Story-Witi-Ihimaera/dp/1861058373"]Witi Ihimaera's The Uncle's Story[/ame]. He's a brilliant author and some of his books deal with being gay and (in his case) Māori. If I recall correctly The Uncle's Story also deals a bit with other native peoples (it's where I first came across the term Two-Spirit).

Hope this helps. Above all, remember that there is a place for you both as a gay man and as American Indian. You're allowed to be exactly who you are.

 

[KaraBulut]

You may feel like a fish out of water at the moment. But the real issue is that WeHo, Craigslists and the bars probably aren't the right pond for you.

What is missing from your life is gay friends. Guys that will accept you, that you can be friends with and who will be supportive of you as you battle this out with your family.

There are plenty of opportunities to meet people in LA. Find gay social groups that you have an interest in- there's lots of them in LA. Do volunteer work with gay organizations. Meet people and just be friendly and be yourself. Don't assume that people aren't interested in you- either as a friend or as a lover.

 

[jackoroe]

JayQueer, you're in a rough patch right now. But I wouldn't worry too much about it. Your parents aren't happy with your being gay, but that's their issue to deal with. You are who you are. No therapy is going to change that.

You're also not part of a clique. It's important to our self esteem to be part of a group. Hanging out in gay bars isn't going to get you there. You're in the middle of a pretty big gayborhood in LA. Get involved in the community! That's how you meet people, network and gain acceptance.

I'm sure there is somebody out there who will accept you for who you are. We all can't be 20 and gym bunnies. But that is not to say we have no worth or are incapable of being loved. Keep the faith, you'll be fine.

 

[JayQueer]

Thanks everyone for commenting. I am involved occasionally with a couple gay social groups & organizations in L.A., but it's still difficult. Some days are a little better than others, and other days are a lot worse. I guess if I was naturally a more outgoing, gregarious kind of person it would be easier as well -- but I was always more of a quiet, thoughtful person to begin with.

I accept myself for being gay, but I'm still ashamed of it. If it was truly possible and efficacious to "rip the gay out of me" and live a more "traditional", anonymous kind of life in the suburbs -- I would totally do it. I'm not overly religious -- I'm more spiritual -- but I can't help but wonder that if a thing such as reincarnation exists, I was surely a very anti-gay, homophobic bigot in my past life.

@Treanir -- I'm Indian American (as in INDIA, not the Native Americans or "American Indians"). It amazes me how many people still confuse the real Indians for Native Americans -- I guess I can thank Columbus for that. I'm not sure how all the links about gay Native Americans would be pertinent to me, but thanks anyway.

 

[lunarus]

Okay first an hug for you

You needed that!

Second STOP looking at the present places you are looking in for some meaningful relationship. It will never happen or the likley hood of it happening is extremely low. Make friends, make yourself available. Don't worry about trying to fit the standards of what some imaginary made up glossy porn driven image is. BE YOURSELF! Be confident! You cannot and will not please everyone all the time, so stop trying.

Your family and or parents or any tie that binds. You have told them you are gay now it is up to them to deal with it. I am sorry but it is total BS they want you you to marry some woman and lie to her just to provide children. Um no that is so wrought with crap I can smell it all the way here in VA! They have issues it is now up to you not to allow them to push their issues onto you. Life is hard enough without trying to solve someone elses issues for them. I gather from your post that you have moved away from the home front, you are no longer under their wings, use yours and do what makes you feel good.

You are gay feel proud that you came out to your family. That was a great step, like I said earlier do not allow them to make you feel ashamed about it. To hell with your upbringing! You are an adult with reason and logic, use it, make yourself happy. Be content in the knowledge that there is no one else like you and you have so much to offer a mate.

In closing IT DOES GET BETTER, but it will not happen unless you want it to. Another words stop worrying what your parents want, start thinking about what you want out of life. Until your parents/family can come around I would just let them be IE don't call or talk to them. When they contact you and ask why you haven't talked or stopped talking to them, tell them you how you feel. More to the point how they make you feel about being gay. Hell send them a copy of the movie A touch of Pink. Tell them to watch it then tell them to get back to you. But what ever you do don't let them ruin your life because they don't want you to accept you for being you.

And always remember we here at JUB are always here to listen to you.



Lunar

 

[treanir]

@Treanir -- I'm Indian American (as in INDIA, not the Native Americans or "American Indians"). It amazes me how many people still confuse the real Indians for Native Americans -- I guess I can thank Columbus for that. I'm not sure how all the links about gay Native Americans would be pertinent to me, but thanks anyway.

I just saw that you actually specified that in your post. Sorry.
(now I feel like a total idiot)

 

[KaraBulut]

@Treanir -- I'm Indian American (as in INDIA, not the Native Americans or "American Indians"). It amazes me how many people still confuse the real Indians for Native Americans -- I guess I can thank Columbus for that. I'm not sure how all the links about gay Native Americans would be pertinent to me, but thanks anyway.

What? You don't own casinos?

It's confusing for those who grew up in the US. Keep in mind that quite a few of the members here aren't from the US, so it's even more confusing for them.

 

[Alistair]

I share a lot in what you are going through. I grew up in a strict southern baptist family. My parents felt the same way as yours. I'm quiet and introverted person myself.

But I can tell you, you don't have to live a life of bars and hook-ups. I'm 40 have had several long term relationships and I have never entered a gay bar.

The most important thing you can do is stop hating yourself for being gay. You need to learn to love yourself for who you are. It will be a lot easier to love someone else and to let them love you.

and like others have said, JUB is an invaluable help. Post around, make friends, and have a good time.

 

[JayQueer]

@KaraBulut,

No need for a snarky reply.

I clearly explained in the first line of my original post (at the top), that "I am Indian-American (my parents came to the US from India)...."

So I don't understand how that would be confusing, even if you're not from the US.

 

[youngnihilist]

yep as others said the bars and hookups aren't what everyone's doing, it's the most visible aspect, I know many young LGBT who are not hooking up or going to bars. They are focused more on politics, art, computers.... if anything they are the silent majority.

Weho, well I may disagree with you in your characterization of it as some white midwestern pretty boy mecca, if anything they are the minority... most weho residents are older, and most weho club goers are of color and often not in shape. and all of them are having fun with their friends. it is possible to fit in there too, very welcoming community.... look for those who do not fit the stereotypical white pretty image... and they may be more receptive

 

[Mstrshake]

Ultimately, your parents cannot control your life.

 

[Deandbn]

@KaraBulut,

No need for a snarky reply.

I clearly explained in the first line of my original post (at the top), that "I am Indian-American (my parents came to the US from India)...."

So I don't understand how that would be confusing, even if you're not from the US.

I dont think you are and indian-american, i think you are an indian-indian from india. American indians are more commonly known as red indians and are from america.

Like some people call themselves african americans, but they are not - most of those that call themselves african americans are actually black americans and shouldnt really call themselves africans as they have never even been to africa in their whole lives.

 

[KaraBulut]

@KaraBulut,

No need for a snarky reply.

I'm seldom snarky and certainly wasn't being snarky in this thread.

 

[Lube]

Ultimately, your parents cannot control your life.

Exactly.

A right of passage into adulthood is taking control of your own life. You own your life, not you parents or family or country or religion.

You.

Do what you think is right. Tell everyone else to go fuck off. If you don't, you risk them controlling your life forever.

And then after they die, then what? Will you hate yourself even more because of the risks you didn't take?

 

[Deandbn]

Besides what i said previously, I do think it must be very difficult for you to meet people in america because of the huge cultural differences between yourself with probably a hindu or islamic background. Where you come from i am surprised that a marriage had not been arranged for you at the age of 12 or so.

Here in SA there is a large indian population, i suppose you might call them indian africans and most of them have retaiined their religion and culture from when they arrived in africa in the 1850's so they dont mix well with my culture. You might call me an english african because i am very much like the english americans. I came from england to africa in the 1850's as i also think many english and irish americans came from england.